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AMERICA’S LEAST WANTED: THE MANHUNT DOESN’T START NOW!

Join host Jim Welch on this week’s unexciting new episode of “America’s Least Wanted,” the show that profiles those people that America just wants to go away. Whether they are annoying celebrities, crooked politicians or greedy corporate princes, America’ Least Wanted fearlessly does not pursue their whereabouts or praise them in any way. The manhunt doesn’t start right now:

TOM CRUISE: The Scientology evangelist and thick slice of cinematic ham has been annoying America for the better part of two decades. Every fifth or sixth movie this half-pint egomaniac will turn in a good performance, letting everybody know that he is at least capable of being a fine actor, but the great majority of his work makes William Shatner look nuanced and subtle by comparison. In the past couple of years he’s really been getting on the world’s nerves, turning up on talk show after talk show spouting some real dense bullshit about his religion and making a series of bad movies where he overdoes his schtick to the point of embarrassment. This mental midget of a man/child needs a time out. 

GOVERNOR ROD BLAGOJEVICH: This sad clown who’s name sounds like a Russian drinking toast (Blah-Goy-avitch!) is the Governor of Illinois who tried to sell President Obama’s vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder. Not only that, he said so repeatedly over the phone and got himself recorded a whole bunch of times. Then he denies the whole thing, saying it was taken out of context and refuses to go away. How “I want to maximize the monetary worth of the seat” or “I want half a million dollars and a job for my wife for Obama’s Senate seat” are out of context is a mystery to most listeners, unless maybe he was really referring to a murder he was planning and the bribes just came up as a side issue. Unfortunately the guy is not stupid-funny like Bush The Younger or forcefully brazen like Chicago’s late boss of all political bosses Richard Daley and is a disgrace to his Moe Howard haircut. Time’s up!

DONALD TRUMP: Never mind. It seems the guy has gone away. Be thankful for small miracles.

CONDOLEEZZA RICE: Other than Shotgun Dick Cheney, Ms. Rice is the only other prominent member of the Bush The Younger Gang to last the whole eight sordid years. Now that the rest of them are slinking away in ignominy, she’s signing up with the Philip Morris agency, looking to cash in big time on her part in The Worst Administration in History And Into The Future For All Time Forever. While people used to think she was some sort of enigmatic mystery woman with more to her than meets the eye, that turned out not to be the case. She stuck around too long and her character, or rather her glaring lack of same, was revealed. She is as devoid of personality as she is of emotions and Philip Morris will have a hard sell with this amazingly uninteresting person who should have had a fascinating back story but simply doesn’t. Sorry, Condee, but you are The Woman Who Wasn’t There. Stay that way.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: If we need to hear from fat drug addicts with an attitude and no brains at all, well, there’s always Hollywood and the world of Rock & Roll, where there’s no shortage of such people. At least with our fat drug-addled actors and musicians, you get some talent to go along with the contradictory nonsense they spew. With this guy, the poster boy for the failure and collapse of the neo-conmen, you only get the whining. And he can take poster girl Anne Coulter with him. Their entertainment value expiration date has long since expired and they’re starting to stink up the joint.

MICHAEL MOORER: Until he stops putting himself in his documentaries, it’s time for this fat obnoxious slob to take a sabbatical too. While his heart may be in the right place, his rumpled baseball caps and homeless guy chic are starting to get on everybody’s nerves. Maybe he can start filming an expose of condescending fat guys who are strangers to the comb and the razor and dress like slobs and think everybody else is stupid. Or he could set up Limbaugh and himself in a cage match, the winner to take all the Twinkies.

VINCE OFFER: The SHAMWOW! guy has now branched out to a new product, a flimsy vegetable chopper reminiscent of the Veg-O-Matic. Somebody stop him before we’ve got another Ron Popeil or Billy Mays on our hands! You watching the camera, guy? We can’t do this all day…

THE PLACE-IN-HISTORY CLOWNS: Bad enough we’ve had a year of TV talking heads debating where Bush The Younger’s place in history will be (At the very bottom, fools!), now they’re starting on Obama’s place in history! While he is certain to go down in history as he first black guy elected to the Presidency, outside of that no-brainer maybe we should give the guy a full week in office before we start jabbering about this meaningless nonsense. Just a suggestion. Can we get these people some help? Can we get them off the air? Can we give them their own place in history, like extinct?

Tune in next week when America’s Least Wanted doesn’t pursue the whereabouts of Dick Morris, Bill O’Really, Paris Hilton and Karl Rove. These less-than-riveting celebrities and politicians have used up their 15 minutes of fame without having contributed a dime’s worth of anything useful or memorable. Join ALW’s indifferent farewells to these and more of America’s Least Wanted and least interesting people. Go ahead, don’t stay tuned and touch that dial all you like! It’s not like you’re missing anything.

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