I’m going public, ladies and gentlemen! Consider this message to be the official IPO. I am assured by my good friend Bernard Madoff that IPO stands for Initial Public Offering, so I’m offering people the chance to get in on the ground floor by buying stock in my web sight. Mr. Madoff has been kind enough to let me use his 17th floor offices in the famous Lipstick Building in Mid-town Manhattan, quite a step up, headquarters-wise, from my modest living room in Brooklyn. It seems Bernie’s got some time on his hands lately, having left one of his businesses in the hands of his sons and the other one, the one previously located on the 17th floor of the Lipstick Building, in the hands of the Federal Government. He says I can move in when the Feds are finished “processing some papers,” or some other technical process, I’m not exactly sure.

It’s kind of complicated how that happened, but Bernie tells me that was his “secret business,” and one that made him a fantastic personal fortune, more than even the Feds will ever realize, whatever that means. He chuckles a secret little laugh when he says that so I don’t press him for the details. I figure that with the Feds involved and it being called his secret business and all he was probably involved in some Top Secret government stuff, you know, spies and fighting terrorism and the like. It must be, since a lot people seem to be trying to get at Bernie to harm him, no doubt heinous villains. 

But not to worry, Bernie seems quite well protected by all kinds of Federal Agents, who have even thoughtfully provided him with a tracking device around his ankle in case any of these bad guys try any funny business. Real high-tech stuff, let me tell you, and combined with the small army of government operatives surrounding his house and even inside his house guarding him and going over information on his personal computer and various papers he has in his safe, well, that only reinforces my impression that he was involved in some pretty high level government stuff.

And he’s got some house too, a huge penthouse in Manhattan loaded with famous works of art and expensive furnishings, more like a combination museum/palace than a home. And just think, this is the guy who wants to put together my IPO! Bernie’s a legend on Wall Street and is on a first name basis with a ton of major investors, but he tells me he’d rather find some new customers for stock, fresh meat as he puts it. Must be a Wall Street term. I’m not so well versed in the financial services industry so I’m relying on Bernie to guide me through this whole process.

For example, I was pretty surprised that you’re allowed to sell 5,000% of your company and still keep 51% ownership for yourself. I also found out that you don’t have to report all the income to the government either, at least not for the first 15 years. Must be a corporate thing. I’m honestly not looking that far down the line I’m so nervous, but Bernie tells me he’s got a whiz of an accountant who’s got a fancy office in a strip mall on Staten Island who will be reviewing all the pertinent papers. That’s very reassuring. After all, it’s my name on the mast head around here and I want everything to be on the up and up. Thank God I have a friend like Bernie Madoff who’s been there before many times or I’d really be a nervous wreck!

Not Bernard Madoff, though. Nerves of steel, let me tell you. Here’s a guy in the middle of wrapping up a huge top secret government operation, Federal Agents all over the place and angry foreign provocateurs trying to get to him and he’s as calm as monk, planning our IPO (Bernie will become my full partner here) and ordering real fancy looking stock certificates for from his printer and arranging a press conference to offer the stock to general public. He tells me the initial offering will be for $50 per share and he’s sure he can move at least 250,000 shares the first day. I’m not so good at math but Bernie assures me that with my 51% ownership of the company that I ought to clear at least 75 thousand bucks for myself. Wow! 

That’s a lot of dough, especially when you consider that doesn’t make any money to speak of, but Bernie tells me that’s all going to change now and a whole lot of people will be speaking about this transaction very soon. He promised me that the name Bob Crespo will be on a lot of lips in no time! How cool is that? I asked him if we’ll have to pay dividends to stock holders, but he says no, they’ll have those $50 dollar fancy stock certificates to show for their investment, and they can keep them and they could become worth more and sell them for a profit if they like. Like I said, I’m not really up to speed about how the world of high finance works, but with Bernard Madoff as my teacher, I’ll bet I’ll be learning some valuable lessons real soon!

So, kind readers, if you like and always dreamed of getting in on the ground floor of a major investment opportunity, here’s your chance! For only 50 bucks a share you can own a piece of this website and be guaranteed to watch your investment change value very rapidly (Bernie told me to say that. I think that’s another one of those Wall Street terms for rising in price). Anyway, this is an exciting time for and I hope a lot of people will buy our stock. In this insecure economy people are looking for safe places to put their money, so it’s a great thing that the “Guru of Big Bucks” is behind this deal. That is why stock in comes at a good time for investors and the overall economy. With Bernard Madoff running the show, what could possibly go wrong?

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