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BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS

THE BAD NEWS: The city of Amsterdam, Netherlands plans to close down 243 “open sex window” brothels where gorgeous prostitutes display their wares for potential customers. They also plan to close 43 coffee bars where marijuana can be purchased and smoked openly.

THE GOOD NEWS: There will still be 240 open sex window brothels and 185 marijuana bars open for business in Amsterdam, Netherlands.

 

THE BAD NEWS: The outgoing Prime Minister of Israel, Ehud Olmert, has accused his own countrymen of conducting “a pogrom” against Palestinians in Hebron in the troubled West Bank region of his nation. The term “pogrom” is an especially strong condemnation coming from a Jew, that word being a description of the many despicable anti-Semitic campaigns waged against Russian and European Jews throughout history, resulting in countless deaths, imprisonments, stripping of property and exportations. 

THE GOOD NEWS: You don’t live there.

 

THE BAD NEWS: Vladimir Putin is using the world economic crisis to seize Russia’s mining, oil and natural gas industries in his continuing quest to bring back the good old Soviet Union, the demise of which he has repeatedly called called a “national disaster.”

THE GOOD NEWS: Western nations can expect another wave of talented, educated and prosperous Russian workers to come and be productive in their countries while Russia once again slides into the corrupt ineptitude that caused the Soviet downfall. Former Soviet Republics and potential invasion targets on their borders are breathing easier with Putin so distracted with appropriating private assets.

 

THE BAD NEWS: President Bush The Younger admits he was operating with flawed intelligence (make up your own joke here) when he made the decision to invade Iraq. As it turned out, all the intelligence reports were completely wrong about Iraq’s alleged weapons of mass destruction and there was absolutely no reason for the invasion.

THE GOOD NEWS:  Pretty soon President Bush The Younger will be operating The Decider Flat Tire and Presidential Library Service on the side of a dusty road in the middle of nowhere while grown-ups clean up the horrendous mess he had made of his nation and the world.

 

THE BAD NEWS: The New York Times reports that media over-saturation of climate change issues is occurring, relegating stories of global warming to the back burner as public interest wanes. Many other mainstream news outlets openly speculate the the worldwide financial crisis will prevent nations from investing in the technology that can reverse the damage we have done to our climate and atmosphere, thus speeding the melting of earth’s polar ice caps.

THE GOOD NEWS: Future beach front property in the Appalachian Mountain chain is going for a song.

 

THE BAD NEWS: O.J. Simpson was sentenced to at least 9 years in prison. 

THE GOOD NEWS: See above.

 

THE BAD NEWS: In Somalia there has not been a functioning government for years, giving rise to piracy on the high seas, universal lawlessness and the return of Islamic Fundamentalist warlords. Somalia is a disaster by every measure of living standards. It’s such a mess that not even the bloodthirsty neighboring regimes have the slightest interest in conquering the place.

THE GOOD NEWS: You don’t live there, either!

 

THE BAD NEWS: Senator John McCain said the situation in Afhanistan will become more difficult.

THE GOOD NEWS: John McCain is not in charge of the situation in Afghanistan.

 

THE BAD NEWS: In Sheboygan, Wisconsin a woman was arrested for animal neglect because she allowed her grossly obese collie to become frozen to the sidewalk for 12 hours.

THE GOOD NEWS: The video will be available soon on You Tube. Nothing says solid video entertainment like a really fat dog frozen to a sidewalk.

 

THE BAD NEWS: Right wing unofficial Minister of Propaganda Anne Coulter broke her jaw and it had to wired shut.

THE GOOD NEWS: Right wing unofficial Minister of Propaganda Anne Coulter broke her jaw and it had to wired shut.

 

THE BAD NEWS: The Prime Minister of Canada, Stephen Harper, suspended the Canadian Parliament only two weeks after it was seated in order to block attempts to defeat his government.

THE GOOD NEWS: For the first time since its nearly anonymous history, Canada has finally done something controversial, even if they did politely ask the Queen of England for permission to do so. With Canada, you take any excitement you can get.

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