Thank you, Science Dweebs. You guys finally came up with something worthwhile to the average man. Screw all that black hole crap and super colliders and inventing dumbass diseases like Attention Deficit Disorder and Bipolar Disease. Of course nobody pays attention to you when you bore the hell out of them with stupid questions and convoluted blatherings about stuff that means nothing to anybody without a long white lab coat. Might as well diagnose the whole world with attention deficit disorder when it comes to contemplating your body of work in recent years.

What ever happened to sending guys to the moon? Curing terrible diseases? Inventing plastics and designing supersonic airplanes? Who’s on the ball with jet packs these days? Flying cars? Nobody is the answer to those. Reinventing the iPod every six months isn’t fooling anybody. Sending us electronic memos telling us you’ve come up with an upgrade for our computers isn’t exactly knocking anybody out with your uncanny brilliance. The computers were invented already, Einstein, and for all we know it’s a hoax since our computers perform exactly the same after we download your “updates.” And what’s the deal with alternative energy? What have you got, wind? What, you guys visited Holland and noticed all the windmills? That’s not science, that’s common sense! How about something the size of a mothball you toss into a tank full of water to turn it into high octane fuel? You want to impress us with your cleverness, that’d be a good place to start. Dust off that chemistry set and get to work!

But at last there’s some good science news. The DNA detectives, previously sidetracked in figuring out who was part Phoenician and who wasn’t and other tedious drivel, have announced that Caveman DNA was passed down to modern man.YES! We really are cavemen to a great degree. I knew it! Men, do you know the ramifications of this announcement? Vindication, boys, vindication! Talk about your breakthroughs! A built-in alibi for our Neanderthal behavior! My brow is forming a bony ridge just thinking about it. Guess who’s not shaving today! 

I’ve all of a sudden got a new motto: “What do you expect? I’m part caveman!” It’s a go-anywhere, do-anything excuse, for everything from leaving the toilet seat in its proper, upright position to getting arrested for brawling at your wife’s best friend’s wedding. You haven’t washed your car since 2006? Even caveman know it rain plenty! You’ve sat around all weekend watching boxing and football and now you’re surrounded by empty beer cans, take-out food containers and pizza crusts? Well, so what? Caveman no need eat vegetables and watch stupid wussy sit com! Caveman eat meat, watch blood sport! 

You can even claim to have more caveman DNA than most people. Who could prove otherwise? New vistas of insensitive and surly behavior open up. Piles of unwashed clothes is just marking your territory. You can buy tools you don’t really need just because they’re shiny and sharp and make a very loud noise. You can claim not to understand opposing points of view in arguments of any sort: Caveman head hurt! Stop make silly talk!  No longer will you need to feel guilty about not being remotely interested in things like flower beds, window treatments (whatever the hell they are), The View, decaffeinated anything, salads, throw pillows, ballet, Hillary Clinton, Sex And The City, wallpaper, minivans, text messaging or anything else that rubs you the wrong way.

Your whole philosophy can boil down to this: Cave man work hard, hunt and gather all day. Me come home, want eat meat, have hot sex and no hear complaint! Of course getting everyone else on board with this whole concept might be an uphill struggle, but some causes are well worth the fight. You just have to believe that the music you play is not too loud, the things you think and say are absolutely correct and your business is your own damned  business and nobody else’s. Being unreasonable is not necessarily a bad thing, disdain of all things politically correct is a desirable trait and baseball takes precedence over painting the living room some creepy pastel shade. If all this sounds a little extreme, well, all I can grunt is: What did you expect? I’m part caveman!

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