Bat Boy is coming back to news stands across this great nation once again, and not a minute too soon. In a world where all of a sudden the news has all turned bad, an announcement was made that publication of the Weekly World News will resume shortly. Their motto is “The World’s Only Reliable News,” and since its inception in 1979 had striven mightily to live up to that mandate. In no other weekly news magazine do you have a section devoted to what space aliens are up to on our planet. Does Time or News Week tell us that Sarah Palin bagged a Bigfoot while hunting? And who but Ed Anger can identify America’s greatest problems and come up with simple and sensible solutions in classic editorials such as this one: “Let’s Pave The Stupid Rain Forests And Give Schoolteachers Stun Guns!”

Weekly World News goes where Mainstream Media dare not tread. They provided us with photographs of both Heaven and Hell, the interior of alien spacecraft and of Osama bin Laden’s cave. As a matter of fact, Bat Boy himself provided the U.S. military the location of bin Laden in that famous incident where Bush The Younger let him get away in Afghanistan’s Tora Bora region. Bat Boy has since soured on working through official channels and has returned to working as a free agent operative, fighting injustice wherever it may be found. Not that he has abandoned America. Bat Boy recently resurfaced to endorse Barack Obama, even bringing along Obama’s long-lost half-brother Barack Obatma for an emotional family reunion! 

Weekly World News digs hard for the truth, just like the Mole People the government thought they could keep a secret from the rest of us. The Mole people, you say? Why was that not headline news in other publications? Well, they can’t all be W.W.W., can they? There’s only one news organization willing to dedicate a portion of its content to the many mutants and animal/human hybrids living among us that the worlds’ governments would keep a secret from us. Who else but W.W.W. would get the inside information on the many organs John McCain had replaced with computer parts, thus explaining his previously puzzling robotic behavior?

Well, now that Bat Boy and Weekly World News are back, I expect this financial crisis to ease up as well. A few visits through their skyscraper windows from an angry Bat Boy ought to straighten out these greedy Wall Street CEOs. Nothing like getting dangled out of the 60th floor by your ankles by an angry bat/human hybrid with razor sharp teeth and claws and a short fuse to make you see the wisdom of honesty and integrity. Of course that might entail letting a few of these thieving bozos fall to the pavement with a bloody thud, but Bat Boy is willing to go the extra yard to make his point and the rest of them will fall in line swiftly. Barack Obama would do well to include Bat Boy in his inner circle of advisors.

And all Americans would do themselves a favor by paying close attention to the tireless investigative reporting of Weekly World News. Kim Jong Il was recently spotted in a record store in the state of Georgia. Did any other media outlet inform you? The real reason A-Rod and Madonna have been seen together lately is that he is her love child given up for adoption when Madge was a teenager. Did USA Today catch that? And when the U.S.S. Intrepid, the aircraft carrier and air/space museum sailed back into New York Harbor, why did all the other media outlets air-brush out the images of the giant 4-armed prehistoric beast the Kraken out of the picture? W.W.W. showed Grakkle the Kraken in all his glory and even quoted Mayor Bloomberg’s comments on his appearance at the festivities, which none of the other New York papers saw fit to do. Well, the days of secrets, lies and censorship are over. Bat Boy and Weekly World News have returned and a grateful nation welcomes them home.

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