When I'm in charge of the world there will be no no renaming allowed. Used cars will be advertised as used cars, period, no matter how many BMW engineers swear on stack of owner's manuals it's as good as new. Pre-owned, my ass. If it was such a cupcake, why'd the guy who bought it get rid of it? And heavy fines will be levied on corporations who announce they are "downsizing" instead of admitting they are firing a bunch of people because one of their boy genius executives fucked up, or they simply want to make more money for the corporate elite by shipping said jobs to some place where running water and electricity are novelties and safety inspectors are the mayor's cousins with third-grade educations. Calling relocating people's jobs in a foreign country "out-sourcing" doesn't make it anything else but a betrayal of those who made you successful in the first place and skipping out on paying taxes to the nation that provided you the opportunity. It is what it is and they are going to have to say so.

The words parent, party and mentor will revert to their former status as nouns. The label handicapped was never meant to be a negative connotation so "physically challenged" is out, too. "High risk behavior" will be referred to as it used be; lunacy. Government contractors who carry automatic weapons, drive armored attack vehicles and fly helicopter gunships will be called mercenaries again. Government contractors will be people with tools in their hands or a truckload of supplies. An economic downturn will be once again called a recession. Or a depression, depending on how much the government and the corporations screw up a robust economy.

Polluters don't get to be called "the regulated community" anymore. "Oil Speculators'" will be called pirates and thieves and beaten with sticks until they stop siphoning billions out of our gas tanks. Calling a spade a spade will be the hallmark of my Boss of The World Administration. Reality television programs will be properly labeled Crap TV. News stations will be required to actually report news and leave the celebrity gossip to Pat O'Brien. Christian Conservative political groups will be forced to explain exactly which of the four Gospels detailing the life and teachings of Jesus Christ instructed them to promote war, intolerance and bigotry as Christian family values. If they can't do so then they have to rename themselves Fascists for Jesus and wear matching shirts and funny little caps.

If I was not so adamantly opposed to capital punishment I'd find the guy who invented the term "power nap" and slay him on the spot. That's a power nap, you jackass, not my little enjoyable snoozes! I'd also get all the medical authorities together to finally decide once and for all what the hell is the deal with good cholesterol/bad cholesterol. I would also demand to know exactly why somebody should call a doctor instead of all their friends to brag about it when their erection lasts more than four hours. That's not something your wife is likely to seek out the complaint department over. Trust me on this one, Docs.

And when I'm running the world political candidates must be asked questions about what they plan to do when they get elected. TV morons will not be allowed to ask them about their religion, the price of their haircuts, flag pins, their patriotism(!), their spouses, their ethnic background or which historical figure they'd like to have dinner with. The only thing these bozos forgot to ask the candidates is their favorite color. Don't blame the candidates. They'd love to discuss their policies if any of the half wits in the media would only ask them.

I'd also force people the world over to stop calling their racist tendencies "tribal loyalty." The world has long since moved on from tribalism. At least the progressive and technically advanced portions of the world. Everybody is sick and tired of all the slaughter and genocide in the name of your so-called tribe. If your tribe is so special why are they living in unsanitary backwaters of the world doing not much of anything but slaughtering their neighbors? If your tribe is so important to you why have you done nothing to change this? Do the words education, initiative or enlightenment mean anything at all to all you earnest haters? How about logic? Try this: If the tribe you hate is worth nothing but scorn and slaughter, what makes it so surprising when others feel the same way about you?

Can I get a show of hands here, tribes? No, I didn't think so. Never was a lot of logic or any sort of thinking at all involved in that whole racist thing. But be proud of your consistency. Where others have learned, you have refused to do so. And where they have prospered, you have wallowed in your own shit. Perhaps with centuries of tradition of living in a shithole maybe the only excitement is in murdering your neighbors. Breaks up the monotony of having no importance whatsoever in the scheme of things. Well, stay in your shitholes if you must, but just have the balls you were born with and admit you are a genocidal racist wasting the lives of your children who will learn your ways. And by all means have a nice day.

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