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GOOD JOBS

Thinking of a career change? Maybe you've grown restless in your current occupation and would like to pursue other opportunities. Perhaps you feel your line of work is a dead-end proposition. Surveys suggest that crack whores and beggars are especially prone to these sentiments, and one supposes, understandably so. Those fields seem to be suffering from a new influx of workers making competition difficult for older crack whores and beggars, leaving many of them wondering if perhaps a new career path might be the way to go.

What to do with oneself? There's a lot to be said for sticking to what one knows best, and long years of experience an the expertise gained can be a satisfaction in and of itself. But these days, dwindling pay rates due to the influx of new workers to their already overcrowded fields have many beggars and crack whores looking elsewhere for their daily bread. Looking around a suddenly bleak U.S. economy, the handwriting on the wall tells beggars that there's less loose change around lately and many more outstretched hands seeking that dwindling resource. Crack whores are finding that drug addicts are feeling the pinch as well and many of them, forced to allocate their limited funds, are foregoing the services of the crack whore and going with only the crack. So there's two traditionally strong American jobs facing bleak times.

So here's a suggestion for crack whores looking to apply their skills in a new field: Hedge Fund Manager. That position is also a high-risk job that will find you consorting with all manner of unsavory characters and doing things most people would not approve of. And the pay is great, often exceeding a billion dollars a year. The highest paid hedge fund manger pulled down 3.7 billion last year, up from the 3 billion he earned the previous year, which is more than all the crack whores everywhere earned in that same period for pretty much being the same kind of natural born unscrupulous hustler that most crack whores are. Even the least well-paid hedge fund managers can earn a couple of hundred million a year from their investors, and a good crack whore is an expert at instantly assessing the maximum amount of money that can be squeezed out of each client. And it's the same in that it is always somebody else's money that you put at risk, so if the deal goes bad you're not out any of your own dough. A match made in career-switching heaven.

As for beggars, there's many golden opportunities for those willing to relocate to Washington, D.C. Our nation's capitol is Beggar Central and there's always room for more, an overcrowded field never being a problem since the beggars there target the entire nation's loot, not just the broke-ass people that happen to be strolling past your street corner. These beggars are called lobbyists. They wave no dirty cups and and wear no rags. They even have offices and big cars and nice houses and all the good things normally not associated with begging, but the job description is the same. They are experts in sob stories, and no one can invent a sob story like an experienced beggar. A good beggar will take your money and make you feel bad you didn't give him the keys to your car too.

Case in point: The Congress this week decided to pass a bill to provide relief to working class homeowners in danger of having their houses taken from them and being forced to join the overcrowded beggar industry. A good and worthy bill, no? Yes, but where average people see wisdom and charity, a good beggar/lobbyist sees an opportunity for a score. While the Senators and Congressmen were felling all benevolent and generous the lobbyists put on their best forlorn faces and managed to convince Congress to load that bill with billions in tax breaks for giant businesses, even car companies that have nothing to do with building homes or taking them away from their owners. By the time that bill was written in its final form, the beleaguered home owners were little more than an afterthought and slated to receive the least help of any of the beneficiaries of the new law.

Pretty neat trick, eh? But yet there were business owners who feel that the lobbyists didn't go far enough in looting the public treasury and transferring that money into their own bank accounts. They were angry that the working class home owners got any mention at all in the final version of the bill, figuring what the hell, we're the professional beggars, not those foolishly proud and independent American workers. How dare they try to work our corner? They felt there were many billions more left sitting on he table that a more skilled beggar could have easily cadged from a soft mark like Congress. So, there's a lot of begging jobs still begging to be filled on Capitol Hill. All that is needed experience-wise is the ability to tell implausible sob stories with a straight face. Any street beggar worth his salt would have no problem portraying multi-billion-dollar corporations as destitute orphans on the brink of starvation.

So, dissatisfied crack whores and street beggars, don't bitch, switch! The long years of hard knocks and harder experience can pay off big time if you apply yourself with the same tenacity that made you an expert in your field. The crumbling economy can be a godsend to hustlers. Remember, the Chinese character for crisis also stands for opportunity. And who knows better how to make money form a crumbling American economy than the Chinese?

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