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WHITE HISTORY MONTH – A CHILD’S PRIMER

Guess what, boys and girls? It's already the 11th of January and that means were almost in the middle of White History Month! America is celebrating the history of white people in America with television specials, magazine articles and newspaper profiles of famous white people. Believe or not, there were a lot of white people who have contributed a whole lot to building this nation. For example, did you know that Thomas Jefferson, the author of the Declaration of Independence, was white? Most of his descendants were not, but he sure was.

When whites arrived in this country they were a tiny minority, mostly refugees from evil European kings seeking to make a new start in what they called The New World. The red people who were living here didn't call it that, they just called it The World since it was the place they had lived for thousands and thousands of years and they didn't know any better. White people liked it here very, very much and and sent word back to Europe that there was a whole lot of great farming land and plentiful game and timber and fish, much more than the red people needed since there weren't all that many of them. So more and more white people came here and convinced the red men to share it with them. The red people were very happy to have such smart teachers!

Before too long there were so many white people here that the red people moved west so the white people could use the land properly. It was a lot of hard work to build a civilization from scratch so the white people brought some black people here to help them. They decided there were too many forests in America so with their new black helpers they chopped them down and created big beautiful farms. They sold the wood to Europe where most of their trees were chopped down already.

These farms were so big they needed a better name for them than just farm so they called them Plantations. Plantations were very cheerful places that produced a lot of cotton and corn and other good things. You could tell how happy the black people were because they sang songs while they worked in the fields. They liked their work so much they worked from sunrise to sunset every single day! And they had white people to thank for this opportunity, kids!

The black people were thankful enough to build the white people very big houses because they knew whites like to have a very big house. The black people, having come from Africa, were not used to living in big houses so they made tiny cabins for themselves apart from the white people. They also realized that white people did not like to work in the fields all day long so they did all the planting on the plantations. And the plowing and the harvesting and woodchopping and cooking and blacksmithing and wagon building and housework too. The red men would not do these things for them so the whites needed the black people's help.

After a while the red people started to resent that the white people were more successful than they were. They were jealous that the white people turned the New World into a lot of pretty towns and farms. When the red people had farms they only grew enough food for themselves instead of selling most of it to Europe so they didn't need big farms and black helpers. When they hunted animals they didn't kill more than they could eat. They were not smart enough to kill all the animals in the forest so they could sell their skins to people across the ocean and let the rotting meat of the skinned animals fertilize the ground so it would good for farming when they chopped the trees down and sold the lumber. It was a win-win situation for the whites and for the soil!

Finally the resentment led to bad arguments and the red people had to move to places that were just big enough for them instead of hogging the whole landscape. These places were called reservations and the red people found happiness there. No longer did they have to hunt or roam the wild wilderness but instead they could finally settle down and drink whiskey the white people gave them and live in tiny cabins like the black people. The white people then decided that nobody needed a billion buffalo so they killed most of them to make room for farms, once again selling the skins of the buffalo and letting the not-so-tasty bison meat fertilize the Great Plains for farming. Then they planted millions of acres of wheat and soybeans and corn and alfalfa and rye and vegetables.

Then the white people met the brown people who were in the southwest. They were called Mexicans and were ruled by evil Catholic white people from Spain and France. They also had way too much land, more than they could use so the white people bought a lot of land from the French Catholic people. This was called the Louisiana Purchase. The land included much, much more than only Louisiana. It actually doubled the size of America! Some of the red people living on the purchased land did not remember the French people owning it but the whites showed them the receipt from France and it was all legal and proper so those red people went to reservations too to relax.

In the Southwest the brown people were very mad at the evil Spanish Catholic kings and told them to leave them alone. The evil Spanish Catholics were not so happy when the brown people threw them out and made their own country called Mexico. The white people were very happy though, because they realized the brown Mexicans didn't really need Texas, New Mexico, Colorado, Arizona and California. They already had all of Mexico all the way down to South America! The white people knew that this was more than enough for them. The brown people did not know how to make use of all that land so the whites moved in and showed them how it's done.

The brown people also were not aware of Manifest Destiny, the term used to describe how white people showed the red people and brown people how to create a proper civilization. Well, soon enough they learned all>/i> about Manifest Destiny and gave the white people the land they didn't know what to do with. In the Pacific Northwest there were also places loaded with timber and deer and beautiful rivers filled with salmon that the red men there were just wasting so whites moved to the Oregon Territories and made some pretty towns and farms there too. These lands were not part of the Louisiana Purchase and the white people decided that must be a mistake and the red men must want to get to know them. The red men were astonished at the resourcefulness of the whites and soon moved to their own cozy reservations so the whites could make the Pacific Northwest civilized too.

White people then decided after some big arguments between them that they called The Civil War that black people didn't have to work on the plantations anymore. They figured they'd be happier doing chores for white people and living in tiny cabins all over the big new country called America. So the black people got their own special neighborhoods to live in, their own nice schools and even a special place to ride on the buses and trains! The country had gotten so big that white people needed a lot of railroads in it so they brought over some yellow people to help the black men do the chores. The yellow people came from China and they helped build the railroads and wash and iron white people's nice clothes.

They were very happy in America and moved into a lot of neighborhoods in America's cities they called Chinatown where they could live together in tiny apartments. White people were amused at their funny language and very happy to let them live in America and do chores for everybody and make Chinese food for whites and blacks and browns to enjoy. The red people were on their reservations so they didn't eat Chinese food. They were very happy to eat government beef that nobody else wanted and grow vegetables in the sand and rocks where they lived if they were lucky enough to get rain that year.

Meanwhile more and more white people kept coming to America from different countries in Europe where the evil kings were making them very unhappy. Most were very poor and a lot of them were Catholics so they had to live in tiny apartments together and do chores too until they learned to be civilized. When they were civilized then some new immigrants came to America and did chores for them and lived in the tiny apartments that were owned by more civilized white people. The new white people who kept arriving seemed to be pretty hungry all the time so more farms had to be carved out of the unused land to feed everybody. Soon America was almost filled up with white people and their black, yellow and brown helpers so it was very lucky that the brown people had given the white people the land they didn't need.

Other countries liked America and bought a lot of of food and nice things we made in our factories, making some of the the white people very, very rich. Russia liked us so much they sold us Alaska for about a nickel and acre. The Hawaiians liked us so very much that they told their queen to stop being queen and let white people build giant hotels on Wakiki and let them dock their big navy boats in Pearl Harbor and grow a lot of pineapples for people to eat. People like pineapples. The brown Hawaaians liked having the smart white teachers rather than some silly queen!

Then some other yellow people from a place called Japan got jealous and sunk some of the white people's big navy boats. That was not very nice so the white people locked up the yellow Japanese people living in America on their own reservations and took away their land and property. Then they went to war with Japan and punished them by incinerating two of their cities with very, very big bombs. The yellow people were very sorry then for sinking the white people's big navy boats. The people from Japan are now good friends with white people and make cars for them.

While all this was going on there was a very very big war in Europe between different kinds of white people. The German white people attacked a lot of other white people so a few nations ganged up on them and destroyed their country and set free the Jewish white people that the German whites had been killing for no reason for years. Everybody pretended it wasn't happening since they were not Christians but only Jewish white people. Believe it or not, kids, there is a difference between Jewish white people and civilized white people. Nobody is exactly sure what it is but they accept it, boys and girls, so we won't ask a lot of silly questions about that, will we?

So now the big wars were over and American white people were very powerful. They had come a long way from being the tiny minority who came here in little boats. Now they pointed those very, very big bombs at Russia because Russia did not like America anymore and pointed their own very, very big bombs at this country! All these very, very big bombs were very, very scary to the red and brown and yellow people all over the world. This went on for forty years in what white people called The Cold War. Isn't that a funny name, boys and girls? Russia finally broke apart into a lot of little Russias and America was left as the most powerful nation on earth. The white people in America still have all those very very big bombs but there's no one to point them at anymore, a very, very sad thing for the white generals so they keep them handy just in case anybody feels naughty enough to try to sink their big navy boats again.

In these days in America everybody is equal; the whites, the browns, the yellows, the reds and the blacks. Almost everything here is owned by a very small group of white people who are the most equal of all but they called dibs and everybody is happy for them. The rest of the white people do the chores for them along with the brown, black, red and yellow people. Sometimes people complain but as you know, children, nobody likes a crybaby!

Everything is very nice and pretty and happy in America and sometimes the rest of the world gets jealous and says mean things about the white people in America but nobody cares because those people live in tiny cabins with hardly any food and did not learn how to civilize themselves. If only they would learn from the whites they would probably be much happier. That is why sometimes the white president sends the Marines to visit these unhappy people. After the Marines are finished you don't hear too much from them so they must make the unhappy people happy again. These people are then much too busy building new houses and roads and factories to worry about being sissies and whiners.

So let's celebrate White History Month, children! Thank a white person today for the wonderful place that is America. And if it is more wonderful for white people than for brown or black or yellow or red people, well, maybe white people are just better at having fun, boys and girls. Don't some children know how to have fun better than other children? Can you say Manifest Destiny, Billy? Can you spell Eminent Domain, Loretta?

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