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Humor

PONDEROUS POINTS TO PONDER

Why is that everybody knows exactly where the Central Intelligence Agency headquarters is? It's a big building in Langley, Virginia with a sign with the big letters CIA right there in the parking lot announcing to the world that this is where our spies hang out. Am I missing something here?

Who's idea was it to build all those mansions in California in places alternately ravaged by wild fires and and swept away by mudslides. These things seem to happen once or twice a year and everybody on the newscasts always seem shocked that such an extraordinary thing could happen. Aren't rich people supposed to be smart? And shouldn't news reporters have even a little bit of short term memory? I mean, they have these things on videotape from last year so they could look it up if their memories are on the blink. Maybe even save some money and not send any camera crews to the scene and roll the old tapes. I mean, who would know? I'm just saying…

Why do all these new bands you hear lately seem to all sound alike, look alike and have pretty much the same things to say? I think we've got the alienated, pussy-whipped slacker schtick with the jangly guitars and the crybaby lyrics and the identity crisis down pat. Anybody else out there have anything else to say, anything at all? Anybody with a guitar know who the hell they are and aren't afraid of their own shadow? Step into the batters box and take a few swings, junior. Rock & Roll desperately needs another shot of in-your-face-motherfucker-take-me-as-I-am or-get-fucking-lost attitude, you know, the Elvis and Little Richard kind, that sneering confidence and cockiness that made the music so exciting and alive in the first place. Is Kid Rock the only guy out there with a pair of balls? And as far as the women rockers, only Amy Winehouse among the new crop of female rock stars seems to not give a crap what you think of her, she just wants to rock her own way, all 60's
Ronette hair and makeup with a wicked band swinging behind her. I'm not hearing a whole lot of original voices out there. And the government does nothing about it…

Are people not caring enough about our fake invented American Idols? Are we not sufficiently shocked about the obvious, such as the fact that Clay Aikens is, shall we say, a "flamboyant sort," Ruben Studdard has sold maybe seventy five albums and Taylor Hicks is a hack lounge singer? Are we not hating that cruel prissy English weenie enough? Or maybe not making enough fun of Paula Abdul (my personal favorite and a real funny comic) with her pills and booze and boytoy seducing antics? I worry about these things…

So these three guys were working at Pay Pal a couple of years ago. They have an idea for a web site, just like a shitload of us out here in etherland. Only thing is, their web site was called YouTube.com. They opened for business in October 2005 and in November 2006 Google bought their company for 1.65 billion dollars. Not too shabby of a profit for 13 months work, eh? Of course they had to split it three ways, so each partner had to make do with a paltry $550 million apiece. Horatio Alger lives! So just let me say to you megabuck investors out there that bobcrespo.com will entertain serious offers for acquisition, opening bids to start at say… hmm… I don't know…. how about half a million? I'm not greedy, or rather, at least not all that greedy. My flesh is as weak as the next guy, and all the guys next to me seem especially prone to temptation. What are you gonna do? My friends are my friends and I love them just they way they are.

I figure a hundred million bucks would pretty much ruin my life. I would definitely never do another lick of work after that, and my lovely wife Louise recently revealed to me the secret to life: Stay occupied. So half a mil would pay off my house but still leave me needing to work. Who knew the secret of life was so friggin' simple? To think of all the years I wasted trying to figure out that bad boy! Of course if somebody did offer me stupid crazy mad huge mega whacky money and insisted I take it I suppose they could twist my arm to hand over the keys to bobcrespo.com for some of those hundreds and hundreds of millions. Just an educated guess, of course, like I'm guessing now that water is fairly wet.

I wonder why people are shocked when celebrities do stupid things. Now a lot of these poor kids that the media has so much fun with are addicts of one sort or another, meaning they have a disease that's tough to control and so I won't mention them, just hope they can get the help they need before they die young like too many people already have. It's all the rest of those bozos who abuse underlings, crash their cars, make stupid statements, chase each other's spouses and get themselves arrested. Why would that shock anybody? Non-celebrities do these things all the time. But generally celebrities are fairly wealthy and live pampered lives with a bunch of assistants and handlers shielding them from reality and doing their dirty work. Life is a smorgasbord of privilege and pleasure for a lot of these people and so they don't really grow up. Why all the hand-wringing and concern?

If you let a kid loose in the candy store, what do you think is going to happen? He's going to eat all the candy he can force down his little gullet and puke all over the place, that's what. Same with celebrities. Why is it news when they do as they please when they please and never think of the consequences? Let's get over our indignation already and start enjoying their little foibles. They are entertainers, after all, and some of their shenanigans are actually pretty funny, like Three Stooges funny. They have the dough to hire big shot lawyers to get them out of whatever trouble they cause, so let them do their dumb-ass, out-of-control comedy acts for us and we can laugh and laugh at these wild and whacky stars. There's not near enough slapstick pie-in-the-face comedy anymore so let's take what we can get here and have ourselves a good belly laugh. Just a thought…

Is there any possibility that someday the internet will have too much information loaded on to it and get full? Seems like there's more information on the web today than actually exists. I get the feeling people are just making stuff up and posting it. I know I do when I run out of ideas for my blog, things like conducting interviews with cartoon characters and the like. When I write about real stuff I do research and find out the facts before shooting off my mouth, but doing a blog every day sometimes brings you to some odd places inside your skull so you invent stuff just to fill a page. And I'm sure I'm not the only one doing it.

I just hope the good people who write Wikipedia don't do that or I'm screwed when it comes time for me to look up The Republic of Chad or the history of the hot dog or something. They could be lying to me about either of those and I'd never know. I suppose some things you just have to take on blind faith. I'm also told that once something is posted out there in webland it never goes away, floating around for an eternity in the virtual ether that is the internet (and that includes all your ill-considered e-mails too), waiting to be plucked back to a computer screen and paid attention to by somebody, anybody.

Must be awfully lonely out there for an e-file with nobody to Google it and make it feel good about itself. But if nothing ever goes away and millions and millions of new things are posted every day, at what point does the whole thing either shut down or start spitting out reams and reams of information all over the floor like that puking kid in the candy store? I can just picture the mess, all that information all disjointed and running together, and all the Kings horses and all the King's men will never be able to put it together again! Can this happen? Does anybody know? Am I part of the problem here? Do you I think I've had too much coffee today? Could be, could be…

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