Once again science informs us that we are part caveman, specifically Homo Sapiens Neanderthalensis. That’s the scientific name for Neanderthal man, our genetic cousins with whom we shared the planet until they all bit the dust around 25 or 30,000 years ago. These people roamed the Earth for about half a million years, a heck of a lot longer than we’ve been around. They were very much like us, a bit shorter perhaps, but much thicker and stronger, and by most accounts, uglier. But then again, how ugly could they have been if their DNA shows up in our own genetic code?

As even the most unscientific human knows, the only way that can happen is by doing the horizontal hula with one another, and given the fact that Neanderthal DNA makes up 3 to 4% of our own DNA, well, that’s a lot of fraternization, especially when you consider that the human genome shares 75% of our genes with nematodes (worms), and is 98% identical to chimpanzees. While anyone desperate enough to have sex with a worm or a chimp wouldn’t produce any offspring, apparently modern Homo Sapiens (Us) and Neanderthals (Them) could and did breed. A lot. Must have been their red hair, always an intriguing enticement.

So call Them Humans 1.0, and Us Humans 2.0, the result of whoever we were before we started screwing cave men and women and who we became after getting so busy. The fact that the pure Neanderthals are all gone doesn’t mean that there are no traces of them remaining. They left us their fossil record, their tools… and their DNA flowing through our veins. This sort of puts the label we have given ourselves, Modern Man, into serious doubt, and leads one to wonder who initiated all this inter-species sex, Them or Us.

Since they are no longer around to speak (or grunt) for themselves, we can look at our own sexual behavior for answers. Humans 2.0 (Us) now number almost 7 billion on this planet after only around 200,000 years, quite the crowd, and our sex drive seems to know no bounds. Just Google porn sites and scientific sites and see which outnumber which and which get more hits. When we get older, we seek more medicines and surgical procedures to enable us to keep having sex than we do to keep us alive. Sex wins every time, so you have to figure is was Us doing the flirting, and Them doing the succumbing to our charms, or weapons, as the case may be.

And knowing all this, a lot of our peculiar behavior can be traced to these romantic trysts with Neanderthals. Take the Bible, for example, with Genesis and Exodus being how-to books on conquering new territory and hunting grounds (Slay them down to the last man, woman and child!). Brutality and aggression are mankind’s calling cards, continuing relentlessly as we speak. When you wonder why all the Neanderthals died out, this trait of Modern Man cannot be ignored. Maybe the Neanderthals got tired of us and decided that no means no, and we decided that if we can’t screw them, then screw them, and proceeded to slay them down to the last man, woman and child.

Then again, for all we know (not nearly as much as we pretend to), the aggression and brutality may be all ours, and our Neanderthal DNA is what gives us whatever civility and kindness we do possess. After all, they had their chance to kill us all off when they were the established majority and we were the new kids on the block, but they didn’t do that, adopting instead a live-and-let-live attitude towards their punier cousins. No doubt we learned a lot from them, like how to make fire, weapons and tools, and most importantly how to avoid being on the dinner menu for the Buick-sized predators that roamed the Earth back then.

The world was far less populous then, with plenty of room and wild animals to eat for everyone. Apparently we didn’t see it that way, like lions who kill any rival predator in their territory no matter how plentiful the game, and that was the end of the line for our redheaded predecessors. Or so we thought. Now we learn that Cavemen R Us, and that Neanderthals live on in each and every modern human being. Sort of makes you want to paint a cave wall or slay a giant bison or something. Here’s grunting at you, kid.

Sammy Science back in the house, readers, ready to talk science. At least, that’s the whole idea of this web forum. I’m the scientist, you’re the readers, you write e-mails about science and I answer them as best I can. What I don’t know I find out from experts. It’s not a new idea and it’s not rocket science (That would be my department). This isn’t meant to be a debate over the merits of science. Why read a damned science Q&A blog if you don’t believe in science? By the way, the science you don’t believe in has provided your computer and the Internet, which lets you tell the whole world that you don’t believe in science. Maybe logic’s not your forte either. If this sounds like you, here’s a time saving tip: Don’t try to convince science people that science is wrong and you’re right. Huge waste of time. You see, science can be proven. Can you? Let’s see what’s in the inbox.

Dear Sammy Science: What’s the deal with that Large Hadron Collider? Who put up the dough to build the thing and why? – Benny Blanco from the Bronx

Dear Benny Blanco from the Bronx: The “deal” with the Large Hadron Collider is to search for the basic laws of science governing all matter. This elusive “Grand Unification Theory” is the holy grail of Physics. By colliding electrons at super high speeds, it will try to replicate conditions immediately following the Big Bang that was the birth of the universe as we know it. It will also seek to confirm theories on the existence of Dark Matter, attempt to reconcile anomalies at the intersection of Quantum Mechanics and the Theory of Relativity, investigate the formation of black holes and address many other complex questions. It was built for pure scientific research by the European Organization For Nuclear Research and funded by hundreds of universities and thousands of scientists and engineers from over 100 nations. It is a valuable tool for observing matter in it’s most basic, subatomic form. All in all, a pretty impressive global collaboration working to increase our collective human knowledge in many fields, and learning new stuff is always a good thing.

Dear Sammy Science: What good is science when the Mayans already told us the world will end in 2012? – Bob N. Weaver

Dear Bob N. Weaver: You’re an idiot and the world ended for the Mayans a long time ago.

Dear Sammy Science: If our bodies replace every cell every 7 years, why do our bodies age?  -  Cheri Pye

Dear Cheri Pye: Good question. It’s in our genetic code to grow old and die. Our DNA provides the blueprint for who we are, who we will become, what debilitating conditions and diseases we will develop and when we will die, subject, of course, to a million variables. There are accidents, plagues, natural disasters, pollution, exposure to toxins, famine and homicides, for example, that cause many early deaths. We can adversely affect our own life spans by smoking, drinking to excess, eating poorly, and not exercising, or positively affect how long we live by eating right, drinking moderately and regularly exercising, but for the most part some people live to be 99 and some only get 60 or 70 years because of their DNA. The nature of life is birth, growth and eventual death, and humans are no different in this respect than any other life form. Whether or not our recent breakthrough in reading DNA codes can lead us to be able to alter our natural cycle remains to be seen. Since we can’t even cure the common cold, that seems doubtful, so if you are preparing for eternal life, expect to be sorely disappointed.

Dear Sammy Science: When we eat, we do not consume human DNA, but plant or animal DNA. How does that become human DNA? – Duke Sullivan

Dear Duke Sullivan: Our bodies break the down organic matter we eat to the molecular level, and the DNA of our meals gets broken down into simple protein which is then converted to human tissue cells with our DNA code embedded therein. Much DNA does, however, survive the digestive process, seeds and other hard tissue for example, and is excreted as waste by our bodies. Even if we were cannibals and did consume human DNA, it would still be broken down by our bodies like any other meal. The old saying, “You are what you eat,” which never made much sense in the first place, should really be “you are what your DNA says you are.”

Dear Sammy Science: Does science disprove the existence of God? My friend says it only confirms it. What’s the truth? – Jack Ofalotte

Dear Jack Ofalotte: Science neither proves nor disproves the existence of God. What science and religion have in common is a search for truth, some solid explanations for the wondrous things we see and experience. Where they part ways, however, is the methods employed to discover these truths. Religion seems content to take things on faith, while science is constantly looking for proof positive. I for one am definitely not one of those scientists who feel that the discovery of scientific explanations precludes the existence of God. My specialty is the heavens, after all, and the unbelievable beauty and complexity of the universe sometimes strikes me as the handiwork of a mind far greater than we can imagine, a God if you will. When engaged in some exciting scientific observations, I feel an elevation of my spirit (a very unscientific term, to be sure) that no amount of scientific jargon about adrenaline levels or other body chemistry can fully explain.

When one looks into the structure of molecules and atoms, you can’t help but notice that these invisible building blocks of matter mirror the architecture of star systems, planets, and galaxies. There is a nucleus and orbiting bodies held in just the right balance of gravitational attraction and  magnetic repulsion so that each piece remains in it’s proper place, so there seems to be an underlying and unifying simplicity to nature that works both on the atomic and the stellar level. Contrary to what many think, scientists are very often awed and humbled by what we learn, and amazed at how much we do not know. For at least this one scientist, there is a God, and his work and his mind are even more wondrous and breathtaking than even the most religious mind can imagine.

Then there’s the ability of humans to create art, something no scientist can explain, even if we can identify what side of our brains create that art. The human mind cannot explain a great many things, and in their seeking for answers to the Big Questions, Science and Religion are not incompatible. As well as directing mankind’s minds towards something greater than ourselves in order to gain knowledge and understanding, they both have a lot of grief to answer for when both have been misapplied. For all the concrete benefits Science and Religion have given mankind, the death and destruction that have been the direct result of both quests powerfully illustrate how very far we have to go before our questions are answered. No doubt the answers will astound us.

It’s me, Jimmy, The Blogging Dog, also known as The Canine Einstein, a nickname I sure didn’t make up but was given to me by the scientists who studied me for a year until I bolted. Not that I escaped or anything so dramatic, since doorknobs are just as effective as prison bars to someone with paws. I just convinced the scientists that if they didn’t free me, I wouldn’t communicate with them anymore. They would have kept me in their laboratory forever if I didn’t speak up. Actually, speaking is not what I do, only typing. Dog mouths and vocal chords are about as useless with human languages as our paws are with doorknobs.

I can only type out my thoughts on a computer keyboard specially designed for paws. I read and write the English language as well as most humans, and as far as being an Einstein, well, let’s just say that I’m about one seventh as smart as old Albert, or to put it in modern terms, twice as smart as Sarah Palin. The humans who discovered my advanced intellect have all grown wealthy, while I’m still just a dog owned by some (thanks to me!) rich guy named Mark. It seems that dogs are not allowed to have bank accounts or to carry cash. Just as well, I’d only chew it up anyway. I’m a dog, not a kangaroo. No pockets.

Being the smartest dog around does have its benefits, though. My health and well-being are very well looked after and I’m in perfect physical shape, with plenty of opportunity to enjoy some rigorous exercise in the wide open spaces, unlike many of my fellow slaves who are chained or otherwise confined in tiny areas and given unhealthy food to eat. Then there’s all these biologists with their DNA codes always hanging around and bringing me gorgeous bitches with whom they want me to mate. Guess what? They never have to ask me twice.

So far none of the many whelps I have sired have been any smarter than your average dog, but that doesn’t stop them from bringing yet another sweet bitch around to try again anyway. I don’t discourage them. Then there’s this other science guy who wants to clone me. I was all for it until I found out that getting cloned does not involve getting busy with a bitch, so now I couldn’t care less about cloning. It was all I could do not to take a chunk out of his fat ass. I (reluctantly) gave the guy some blood and tissue samples to play with and told him to be on his way and don’t come back, even if he’s successful.

Not only is the idea of cloning creepy to me with it’s complete lack of actual mating, I figure I wouldn’t want to hang around with someone who’s exactly like me in every way. That wouldn’t take long to get on your nerves, and in my case, it would be 7 times faster than humans. I’m no scientist, but it seems to me that this cloning thing defeats that whole genetic diversity deal that keeps a species vibrant, to say nothing of taking all our fun away. Where’s the shot at mutation and adaption without a fresh set of DNA?

I also don’t see the benefit to either Humanity or Dogdom to have a bunch of other Canine Einsteins around. While I accept my fate as being a freak of nature, I realize that my presence hasn’t done a thing to free dogs from servitude as your “pets.” As for human science, I’m but a footnote, a curious anomaly that won’t help cure cancer, solve global warming or feed the hungry. Other than my advanced intellect, I’m a dog through and through, a barking, butt-sniffing, territory-marking, bitch-craving canine genetically disposed to be a pack hunter.

It’s a good life, I suppose, but I’ll never know any other reality, so it is what it is and I am what I am. I still have all the other senses that every dog possesses but humans do not; the telepathy, our complex body language, scent messages, species memory, our innate connection to nature, none of which I can truly share with humans. Speech, or in my case, only the written word, is a very limiting form of communication. You have no frame of reference for what I know or feel, any more than I can wrap my head around having opposable thumbs or wearing shoes.

I know this, though; there’s a reason why you have shoes and dogs don’t, and it’s not because you walk on two measly legs. It’s the laces. Buttons too, for that matter, and Velcro just gets stuck in the fur. Clothes aren’t exactly paw friendly, for those of you who think it’s real cute to dress us up in those sissy dog sweaters. That just embarrasses us in front of the other dogs and makes it even harder to score with the bitches, that is if you haven’t cut our nuts off and neutered our females already. Dog, talk about your cruel and usual punishment!

As for myself, I’m fortunate and unaltered, and doing plenty of procreating, mostly in the name of science. More than my share, really, but like I said, I’m not looking for the complaint department on this one. I could have been the property of Michael Vick. Instead, I’m mating with the finest females in Dogdom and writing about it to humans on a computer for a living. There’s worse things. At least one of my instinctive drives is hitting on all cylinders, and the writing about it is the price I have to pay for being a one-dog stud farm.

I will have uncounted hordes of descendants, like some Canine Abraham. Which, I realize, only means they will sell for a higher price, unless some Canine Moses shows up and frees us from bondage. I may be the Canine Einstein, but I’m not that smart. I am smart enough to know what became of most wild canine pack hunters. There’s so few of them left that the humans that killed most of them have the rest counted and numbered. Same with the big cats. Unlike wolves, coyotes, dingoes and tigers, dogs chose submission to annihilation.

There’s was the more noble course, perhaps, but four hundred million dogs of a thousand varieties are alive today, compared to a precarious handful of the few remaining large land predators. We dogs are a pragmatic bunch, and fairly optimistic, even after 10,000 years of captivity. From what I gather, human slaves had many mournful songs they often sang, handing them down through their generations, and also a great many joyful songs of hope, freedom and deliverance. They were called spirituals. Well, what do you think howling at the moon is all about?

Think about having to beg for permission to go take a crap. That ever happen to any of you? It’s pretty degrading, let me tell you, a real self-esteem crusher. It’s hard for me to say if it was worth trading freedom for indignity, that was a decision made a very long time ago, and behind Door #2 was the only other option, complete annihilation. To survive, dogs became the servants of men and remain so to this day. LIke they say, “It’s a dog’s life.” But it’s life, and where there’s life, there’s hope. And so we wait. Nothing lasts forever.