LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 798
Life is all about the food.
There’s nothing else we obsess about 3 times a day.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 797
The only thing we really have to fear is other people telling us what we should fear. Fears are a case-by-case affair, no coaching necessary, thank you.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 795
Those who are about to die always make their last messages about love, thus defining the truest and most powerful measure of their lives. When push comes to shove, outrage, anger, fear and despair all take a back seat to love.
General Interest, Humor, Politics
THE BILL OF RIGHTS: A BURDENSOME SET OF ENTITLEMENTS!, AND OTHER SUREFIRE VOTE-GETTERS
American politicians are prepping for their quadrennial World Cup in 2012, The Presidential Election. A lousy economy has Republicans smelling blood in the water as the president’s approval rating plummets in perfect parallel to the Dow Jones Industrial average. We’re all about the money around here, see. Benjamins, or the glaring lack of of them.
So, a bunch of Republicans have been spending an astounding amount of money getting into game shape for over a year in anticipation of primary season. On the advice of their inner circle, most of them go the extra yard and hire personal trainers, highly paid specialists called “President Coaches,” who teach them how to appear reasonable and presidential. This is no easy task, since most of them are I’ll-stand-the-whole-way-in-the-subway-rather-than-sit-down-next-this-frightening-person crazy. There are good reasons why these people have “handlers.”
Clearly, these President Coaches are taking the wrong tack here, trying to smooth out the rough edges of the Rocky Mountains This is as impossible a task as our former President Bush The Younger, who set the bar for crazy presidents, has given himself in retirement; clearing all the brush in Texas. Trying to do a makeover of an insane person is as nuts as they are. The coaches need to play to their candidate’s strengths, not reinvent them, and their main strengths are their strident ignorance coupled with obvious insanity, but a good coach uses the players he has, not the team he wishes he had. What is needed is bold thinking, some off-the-wall campaign slogans and promises that will make one raving lunatic stand out above the rest.
Their whole theory of winning the 2012 Presidential World Cup is that President Obama is so weak in the polls that America is in the mood to elect a crazy and dangerous president just for spite, so why not me? Why bother to coach that kind of exuberance out of a candidate, that raw lust for the game? Instead, the challenge is to somehow convince the people that abrasive insanity and willful ignorance are essential presidential attributes in these trying times. Maybe try some of these attention-getting slogans:
VOTE FOR ME OR YOU’RE A LIBERAL PUKE!
THE BILL OF RIGHTS: A BURDENSOME SET OF ENTITLEMENTS!
I WON’T KILL ANYONE THAT DON’T NEED KILLIN’!
I CAN SEE CHINA FROM MY YACHT, AND IT’S NOT PRETTY
LETS CHANGE THE NAME OF THE COUNTRY TO “BIG DAWG OF AMERICA!”
AMERICA IN CRISIS: ARE THE POOR DOING ENOUGH?
HATE THE SIN, KILL THE SINNER!
GOD WANTS AMERICA TO KILL HIS ENEMIES!
MEMO TO FRANCE: THANKS FOR THE STATUE, BUT KEEP THE POODLES!
KEEP THE GOVERNMENT’S HANDS OFF OUR FARM SUBSIDIES!
WHEN THEY OUTLAW JOHN DEERE CAPS, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL WEAR JOHN DEERE CAPS!
VOTE FOR ME AND I’LL BE PRESIDENT!
I’M LOUDER, AGRIER AND MORE UNPREDICTABLE THAN MY OPPONENT!
GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES, AND I’VE HELPED MYSELF TO EVERYTHING THAT WASN’T NAILED DOWN!
SCIENCE, SHMIENCE, WINTER IS TOO COLD ANYWAY!
THE TEA PARTY – RESTORING AN AMERICA THAT NEVER WAS!
THE TEA PARTY – GOOD ENOUGH FOR ALICE IN WONDERLAND, GOOD ENOUGH FOR AMERICA!
A DISCO BALL IN EVERY HOME!
DON’T LOOK NOW, BUT THE PRESIDENT IS A BLACK GUY FROM KENYA!
VOTE FOR ME OR RISK GOD’S FIERY WRATH!
ONLY LIBERAL PUKES KNOW WHERE ALL THE COUNTRIES ARE!
IT’S TIME TO ROLL BACK SOCIALISM – FIRE THE FIRE DEPARTMENTS!
THE ONLY GOOD TERRORIST IS A REVENUE-PRODUCING TERRORIST!
AMERICA FIRST, RIGHT AFTER WE DESTROY OUR PRESIDENT!
BEING RICH IS GOD’S STAMP OF APPROVAL!
THE TEA PARTY – FOSTERING CRACKERS’ ILLUSIONS SINCE 2008!
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 794
Love defies logic, mathematics and physics because, the more of it you give away, the more you have.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 793
Life is funny. Not hah-hah funny, but funny. Eventually you get it, but way too late the avoid that “Born to Boogie” tattoo, two failed marriages and a couple of years in the pen for fencing stolen goods.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 792
Never trouble another for what you know damned well they’re going to do for you anyway. No sense rubbing it in.
- INTERVIEW WITH SATAN’S LOBBYIST
- LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 814
- LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 813
- LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 812
- THE CHIMP STAYS IN THE PICTURE! FINAL INTERVIEW WITH CHEETAH, TARZAN’S FRIEND, RENAISSANCE CHIMP
- LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 811
- LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 810
- LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 809
- LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 808
- LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 807
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