HATEBOOK PAGES
Red State, Blue State, one-two-three! Facebook has become the new battleground in the ideological war between normal people and the neo-Neanderthals attempting to erase the Bill of Rights. The media-created issue over a proposed mosque in New York City has brought politics into the social networking website in a big, bad and mean way. Here’s some verbatim excerpts from actual Facebook pages, the mangling of the English language intact, no comment needed:
Comment: “attention, the pakistani relief fund just received a bag of shit from the the widows of 9/11.”
Reply: “LOL!”
Comment: “i got a great idea? america should drop whats left of its napalm stockpile on all the pakistanis who made it to the ground!!!!”
Reply: “LMAO!”
Comment: “pakistan is underwater and the United nations wants to know why the world is slow to react!!!!!!!!lol lets see maybe because most of the worlds charity comes from this region? No…..Ohh it must be that all the human rights activists are from this part of the world?I know its a nation of womens rights?I got it, it the right to free speech and vote… No…. Hmmm ohh it must be all the terrorists”
Reply: “The same went for Haiti, didn’t they get a lot of charity?”
Reply (from the same person): ‘That is, the first bits…I think they’re too broke in Haiti to be terrorists.”
Reply: “she dont know what shes talking about with that crap …We have had New Orleans under water and no one gave a shit esp ARABS in any desperate situation NO ISLAMIC NATION EVER HELPED so DROWN !! This isnt about reality and we need to stop feeling sorry for people who dont give a shit about US!!! Soooooo many other horrific floodings other than there like the MIDWEST where the f is everyone from those places!!!! Feed our Hungry, Card the foriegners who dont pay Taxes and eat for free on our tax $$$$ and those who despise US GET OUT..those who feel sorry join the peace corp and stop bitching about people who dont care about OUR Children!!!! Love the USA 911 Neva $ get!!!!! One for all and all for US”
Reply: “Oh they’re underwater? Hopefully there’s some raw sewage mixed in there. Let’s nuke them now and create a shit cloud over the whole region.”
Reply (from the guy who made the original comment): “there not defenceless, look at your friends the palestinians little ali has grade a weapons training before he changes his diaper….just think were taking care of the problem before its done breast feeding”
Comment: “The 9/11 terrorists did THIS in the name of Islam. The wounds are still open and Americans are still hurting from the senseless attacks on our citizens. The ground around where the World Trade Center once stood is SACRED. If a mosque is built at “Ground Zero”, it will forever be an irritant and a flashpoint for violence and mayhem. Most of us understand they’re building it in a respectful way… but it just shouldn’t be down there. Period.”
Reply: “Fuck them … Build it at the bottom of the Hudson…”
Reply: “God bless America”
Reply: “If you are a christian in some Muslim dominate countries under Sharia law, you are killed. Convert or die. Do not lambast me for stating a fact.”
Comment: “the premier obama is now backing the mosque at ground zero, at first I didnt think it would be a major issue especially in new york ….but it seems to be pissing off the whole country .Mayor bloomberg said be quiet and get over it, i say shut the fuk up mayor and listen to the people who elected you”
Reply: “your to much…. premier obama..LOL.. you should have a column I swear!!”
Reply: “We are now a Muslim free society. Get the fuck out. That’s how I’d word it. You know, so the masses understand”
Comment: “good for aRIzona This cOUntry hAs a COnstituTion, A Bill of rIghts anD Laws THat MuSt BE OBeYEd”
Reply: “WTF?”
Pretty interesting in a sad, crude way. Somewhere Shotgun Dick Cheney is trying to turn his permanent sneer into a smile and English teachers are wailing and gnashing their teeth.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 730
As proof that life has not become completely out of hand, the word “cheesefood” still isn’t in the dictionary. Small victories count.
INTERVIEW WITH BENNY THE DEAD GUY
As a public service, bobcrespo.com from time to time offers interviews with prominent people. You can check our archives for our interviews with Mick Jagger, Willie Randolph, Satan’s son, Bush The Younger, Santa Claus and others, as well as our groundbreaking sit-down with the great Elmer Fudd. Today’s interview is not of a famous person, but more of the man-in-the-street variety, or more accurately, the man-in-the-casket. For the first time ever, bobcrespo.com has received permission to interview a dead person, to see what insights we can get from beyond the grave. Meet Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: So, Benny, this is it. What can you tell readers of bobcrespo.com about the service you received here at Chillum’s Funeral Home?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Okay, Benny, we’ll take that as a no comment, and maybe a head’s up to the folks here at Chillum’s. What about your funeral, Benny? Were you pleased with the turnout?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: By the expression on Benny’s face, it appears there were some no-shows. Care to name names, Benny?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Very cagey, Ben. Your expression says it all, they know who they are. So tell us, are you looking forward to your dirt nap?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: You’re right, Benny, that was just wrong and didn’t deserve an answer. Sorry. I suppose it’s difficult to contemplate eternity, even after you’re dead, eh?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: You’re not helping me out much here with your knowing silence, Benny, it just doesn’t translate well to the written page. And your body language is just a little too subtle, pal. The readers here are expecting some insight into death. Can you help us out here?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Okay, if that’s how you want to play it, fine! I’ll just throw out some autosuggestions, and you twitch or something if it rings a bell, do nothing if I’m wrong. Here goes: Did you see God?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Okay, not yet, eh? There must be some sort of screening process before you get to meet the Big Guy. Makes sense… okay then… how about that white light we hear so much about from people with near-death experiences?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: No? I guess that death, like life, is a different experience for everyone. Try this on for size: Pearly Gates!
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Doesn’t ring a bell,eh? So tell us, Benny the Dead Guy. what exactly has been your experience with death?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: What about harp music? Or is more like cellos, flutes and violins?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Don’t be so coy, Roy, our readers want to know! What’s it like to wake up dead?
Benny The Dead Guy:
Bobcrespo.com: Well, that does it, Benny The Dead Guy! If you don’t want to cooperate, why didn’t you just say so in the first place?
Editors note: Well, that didn’t work out as planned. Funny, Benny was all for it before he died, figuring he’d be the first one to give us all a shout out from the other side, but went all unresponsive and silent on us. Apparently something changed his mind. Wonder what that was? Until the next time, this has been an exclusive interview from bobcrespo.com with Benny The Dead Guy. We’re outta this funeral parlor!
Benny The Dead Guy: What an asshole! I thought he’d never shut up and go away.
THINGS THEY DON’T TEACH YOU IN SCHOOL
Ah, education, what a wonderful thing. ABCs, numbers, science, history, all sorts of good stuff we need to cram into our little noggins in order to prepare for life in the Big Bad World. With any luck, we can stay in school until our mid-twenties, soaking up all sorts of facts and skills to better arm ourselves in the fight for scarce jobs that characterizes life at the dawn of the 3rd millennium.
Well, kids, for those of you embarking on the adventure of your own lives, looking for jobs, significant others and places to live, here’s a few tips for you, vital information even the most thorough education cannot provide. Forewarned is forearmed. Pay attention now, class:
YOU CAN FORGET ALGEBRA: Once you’ve left school, your algebra days are done. The only reason you were forced to learn it was to teach you to think elliptically. Most of life is solving for X, whether dealing with members of the opposite sex, trying to figure out tax forms, or wondering why why a college graduate is saying “You want fries with that?” all day long.
A DEGREE IN ENGLISH IS USELESS: There’s already too many English teachers, and no listing in the Want Ads that says: “Wanted – The Next Great American Novelist.” Before you can tell great stories, you need to live some first. The advice here is to start drinking heavily and getting involved with unbalanced women ASAP.
YOUR FIRST APARTMENT WILL BE A DUMP: Assuming you can afford to move out of your Mom’ basement, forget that spacious contemporary layout with the terrace and park view. Think rickety fifth floor walkup here, spotty plumbing, a hooker and a troubled loner living on either side of you, and a preachy, sourpuss vegan roommate.
KEEP YOUR BRIGHT IDEAS TO YOURSELF: Once you leave school, you’re not in Oz anymore, Dorothy. Your imagination will not be stimulated and no one is going to ask you to write an essay about “alternative solutions” to anything. Odds are your bosses will be more interested in what you can do than what you know, and won’t give a rat’s ass what you think of them. Don’t strain yourself looking around for the Suggestion Box, either.
THE GEEKS HAVE INHERITED THE EARTH: From Bill Gates and Steve Jobs on down to your standard irritating tech wizard, today’s world is a Geek’s Paradise. You can be as cool and hep and good-looking as can be, but the Geeks whose lives you made miserable in school are the ones becoming boy billionaires and dating supermodels while you jiggle the handle for twenty minutes trying to flush the toilet in your smelly 5th floor walkup.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 728
The blank ID card that comes with your new wallet isn’t valid in Missouri, Wisconsin, Kentucky, Guam and American Samoa, no matter how good your penmanship. It’s best to go with the driver’s license in these locales.
SWISS ARMY EQUIPMENT
Everybody has had a Swiss Army Knife at one time or another, that handy-dandy combo tool that’s a knife, a saw, a screwdriver and can opener. Hardly a fearsome weapon, but darned useful. Not only that, it’s got your basic personal grooming kit; a scissor, nail file, tooth pick and tweezers. Best of all, though, is the corkscrew. You have to figure there’s a reason why the Swiss have been neutral in every war, and the wine opener that is standard issue to every Swiss soldier is a telling clue.
The Swiss Army also has an official Swiss Army cigarette lighter so Swiss soldiers can light up a smoke while enjoying their wine. True to the Swiss Army credo, the cigarette lighter has another use, doubling as a compass, to let the Swiss soldiers know where they are if they’ve used their corkscrew a little too much. Here is a peek at some other unique Swiss Army equipment:
Swiss Army Combo Rifle and Umbrella: A soldier’s life is often a rugged one, living out in the elements in all weather and terrain. When your army never fights any wars, what’s the harm in mating your weapon to reality? A dry soldier is a happy soldier.
Swiss Army Tank/Jacuzzi Spa: 30 tons of steel and chrome, the Swiss Army Tank is the home-away-from-home for her crew. That’s why the Swiss have included a Jacuzzi hot tub with massage jets in their “battle” tanks. It’s right next to the kitchen and behind the sauna.
Swiss Army Machine Gun/Pasta Maker: Swiss Army officers figure that their boys aren’t going to be mowing down enemy combatants with their machine guns anytime soon, so they have incorporated a do-it-yourself pasta maker for soldiers homesick for Mama’s cooking. Rigatoni, ziti, shells, angel hair, lasagna or linguine, there’s no pasta the Swiss Army Machine Gun cannot make!
Swiss Army Helmet/Fondue Pot: The Swiss love their cheese, and a soldier on bivouac is no different. Slip out the helmet liner and the helmet is a teflon-lined fondue pot, the perfect complement to a mellow bottle of wine. Ideal for preparing a spicy bouillabaisse or boiling pasta as well.
Swiss Army Rocket Launcher/Leaf blower: Swiss people by their nature are sticklers for neatness and order, and soldiers by their training, especially Swiss soldiers, are absolutely manic about it. With no wars to fight ever, officers of the Swiss Army have to keep their men busy somehow, and all those shoulder-mounted rocket launchers that will never be fired in anger ought to be used for something. Swiss Army bases are the neatest and most beautifully landscaped military facilities in the world.
Swiss Army Jeep/Lawn Mower: See Above.
Swiss Army Fighter Jet/Crop Duster: It was decided early in its developmental stages that the 4F Conciliator would be a different sort of fighter jet, one that does combat with enemies of the nation’s crops, pesky weevils and weeds. With it’s speed and maneuverability, entire Alpine valleys can be dusted in no time, leaving Swiss pilots plenty of time to patrol their airspace for imaginary enemies and still be back in time to enjoy a good bottle of wine.
Swiss Army Skis: Unlike every other piece of Swiss Army gear, there’s no second use for them, nor are they any different from regular skis, but Switzerland is pretty much entirely Alps, so not skiing is a Swiss person’s idea of a vacation. Unfortunately, the only place to be stationed if you are in the Swiss Army is Switzerland, so the Swiss make a big deal about being the best skiing army anywhere. Other armies agree, since no one can recall any conquering armies laying waste to nations on skis, but no one has the heart to tell the Swiss.
LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 727
Understanding life wouldn’t be all that hard without all the lying and deceit we enjoy so much. That changes it from simple math to quantum physics.
YAWN…. ANOTHER CORPORATION CAVES TO FOREIGN CENSORS
Well, there’s good news and bad news from Canada. First, the good news is that Canada is generating news of any sort. Okay, Canada, we know you’re a shy country not given to flashy self-promotion like some North American nations (ahem!), but the rest of the world was thinking about checking your pulse. Everyone knows you’re America Lite, which isn’t such a bad thing, really.
Canada gets to unload all their pesky talented people that tend to draw a lot of attention to themselves on the USA, where that sort of thing isn’t frowned upon. Our second-tier entertainer and B-list celebrity rosters are teeming with Canadians, who we’re fairly certain would have enthralled and enlightened us with their unique artistic visions if Canadians were permitted to have such things.
The bad news from Canada? The Canadian telecommunications giant (now there’s a phrase you don’t hear everyday), RIM, the makers of the very expensive and popular (there’s one that you do) Blackberry phones, just surrendered to the censors in Saudi Arabia. How very Corporate American of them!
It seems that the Saudi Thought Police had already gotten the giant internet servers to aid and abet their interception of personal computer messages, but the advent of smart phones and their e-mailing capabilities made it harder for the minions of the royal family to eavesdrop on their subjects.
Now, Blackberries aren’t the only smart phone on the market, and the Saudi market is a lucrative one, so the head honchos at Blackberry surrendered the necessary codes to Saudi authorities rather than lose market share.
Blackberry’s American competitors have been adept at pretending to resist censorship while cutting back room deals with tyrants and kings, so the RIM Corporation cut right to the chase and just gave it up without any tedious hand-wringing or comment, Canada style, if utter lack of style can indeed be called a style.
So that’s it for news from Canada until this nation that is defined by Winter loses every event at the next Winter Olympics, even at the oddball quasi-sports like curling and ice hockey that they invented. Other than the cold fronts that blow down from there every December, you’re more likely to hear Botswana mentioned in the news than Canada before then.
- LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 735
- THE ANSWER MAN IS READY!
- LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 734
- 100,000 IDIOTS ON AMERICA’S LAWN
- BOB CRESPO LIVE IN CONCERT AT CONEY ISLAND WITH THE TASH BROTHERS BAND! FREE SHOW!
- LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 733
- DO THE SOCIAL DISCONNECT (NON)DANCE
- LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 732
- THE HALLOWED GROUND BUSINESS
- LIFE EXPLAINED, PART 731
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