Bobcrespo.com: Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Hathaway.

Earnest Hathaway: Sit down, Bob, and please, call me Ernest!

BC: Really? Well then, call me enthusiastic!

EH: What?

BC: Nothing… shall we start by explaining to our readers just how it is you came to be Satan’s lobbyist in Washington?

EH: Certainly. Hathaway & Associates became the success we are not by representing the easy clients, any fool can plead a case for the friggin’ Boy Scouts or the American Cancer Society! You want to prove your salt in this biz, you need to take on what we call the “Special Challenge” clients. Does the name Idi Amin ring a bell? Uganda, late 70’s? The first guy to let the other  psychotic leaders in Africa know that the world hates genocide except when practiced on brown people by other brown people, giving them a pass when they pull out the “Tribal Card,” so fire away? That Idi Amin? Well, let me tell you something; the Tribal Card was my idea! You’d think the rest of those murderous psychos in Nigeria, Afghanistan, Somalia, Rwanda and all those other places all over the world ever paid me royalties when they got a pass for slaughtering everyone in sight with their Tribal Cards? Not even a thank-you note, the rotten ingrates. I’ll remember that when they come looking for someone to make them look like St. Augustine when their time comes…

BC: So, Idi Amin put Hathaway & Associates on the map, so to speak?

EH: Bingo! I made my bones repping Idi in DC, straight out my apprenticeship, no less! That let everyone on K Street know there’s a new gunslinger in town. I was a kid then, not yet 30, full of piss an vinegar… ah, those were the days…

BC: Your apprenticeship, sir?

EH: What would you call 4 years in Congress? I was one of those Boy Wonder Congressmen who pop up from time to time, then sort of fade away from public consciousness after 2 or 3 terms. We call it paying our dues around here, sort of an unpaid apprenticeship. There’s a lot of us in the biz and, being a quick learner, I bailed after 2 terms.

BC: Unpaid? But a Congressman’s  pay is $174,000 a year!

EH:Tell me about it! I call them The Mother Theresa Years. Didn’t own a single Rembrandt back then!

BC: Your sacrifice is inspiring…

EH: Never let it be said Ernest Hathaway didn’t come up the hard way!

BC: Didn’t it bother you representing Idi Amin, who’s nickname was “The Butcher of Uganda?”

EH: Before you get on your high horse, Bobcrespo.com, ask yourself why no one complains about criminals getting diligent representation in our courts from their attorneys, who are obligated to do their utmost to plead their case!

BC: Well, because they’re attorneys in a court of law upholding our sacred of  notion “Innocent until proven guy” and not paid fixers using their insider status to influence the government to act against its own people’s interests, maybe?

EH: Hah! We are no different from lawyers!  We represent people who have been accused in the court of popular opinion, all of whom are painted as guilty! People are just jealous that I managed to wrangle a deal for old Idi to live out his senior years in luxurious safety in Saudi Arabia and die an old man in his bed.

BC: And if Mr. Butcher of Kenya thought your services were too expensive?

EH: Then Mr. Amin’s story has a less than happy ending for him, that’s what, and he knew it! Not every prospective client is willing to go the extra yard to meet our fees, the highest on K Street. You can bet your sweet ass that Manuel Noriega has had a lot of time on his hands to reflect on the wisdom of bouncing his check to us!

BC: I’m beginning to see why Satan contacted your firm…. Who were some of your other clients? Were they all “Special Challenge” clients?

EH: Hell, yeah! Augusto José Ramón Pinochet Ugarte, now there was a challenge, but he’s another cutthroat who lived to be 91 and never went to the slammer or, worse, fell into the hands of the kind of guys that used to work for him. Unfortunately for me, they worked in teams that were code named the fairly easily-decipherable: “Pinochet’s Death Squads.” That sort of put a lot of extra work on his case, right from Jump Street. Without Hathaway & Associates pulling some strings in the State Department, he’s toast back in the 90s!

BC: And that kind of influence costs big money, I’m guessing…

EH: It don’t come in a can, I’ll tell you that! Don’t worry about Augie Pincochet’s wallet though, he stole billions!

BC: Augie? Sounds like you 2 were friends!

EH: We were very good friends, and I learned a lot from the man. Pinochet wasn’t a bad guy once you got past that whole “death squad” thing.

BC: Yeah, those “he ran a bunch of death squads named after himself” labels are sort of hard to shake…

EH: We have a saying in this business – “One man’s mass murderer is another man’s patriot! ”

BC: I see. So, how long have you been repping Lucifer?

EH: Going on 15 years now.

BC: And exactly why did the Devil feel he needed a lobbyist all of  sudden? Seems there’s no shortage of people doing his work for nothing for about, oh, I don’t know… forever!

EH: All well  and good, but why rely on amateurs when you a can afford the best to really get your programs off the ground? I assure you, Lucifer hires advocates to influence every world government, not just the good old U-S of A! The price is just a lot steeper here in D.C., but the Devil’s got very deep pockets.

BC: So you’re not his first lobbyist then? Did you have to sell him your soul to get his account?

EH: I may have been born at night but it wasn’t last night! You better believe he tried, though, and you should have seen the small print he proposed, claiming my soul on my 65th birthday, giving him dibs on my first-born, that sort of thing! Just wicked! Well, I guess wicked’s a given with him, but when I called him on the small print, he knew I was his man. I’ve been repping Satan on Capitol Hill ever since.

BC: How do you further your client’s agenda when your client is not a corporation or an organization, but the Devil himself?

EH: Oh, there’s a thousand ways to further the cause of evil as a lobbyist. I worked mostly for for murderous tyrants and rogue global conglomerates even before I met the Devil. Hello-o! I thought I knew them all, but I have to admit, the Devil’s taught me some new wrinkles! Long experience, I’m guessing. How about getting people to argue in favor of bisecting America with an unnecessary, poisonous pipeline? In a sane world no one would even propose such absurdity, never mind make it a celebrated public debate! That was our work, thank you very much!

BC: But the president put the kibosh on that thing!

EH: Of course he did! Anyone with a shred of decency and brains would, I mean just think of the folly, the pure mendacity of this crazy idea, but that’s beside the point. Hathaway & Associates, at our client’s behest, found a way to make people love an idiotic idea and attack the normal people who see no reason for it like rabid dogs! He’s in the mayhem business, you see. Who do you think got Charlie Rangel elected again and again? Or that drunken crybaby Boehner? They didn’t elect themselves, Bob! Reality TV was Beelzebub’s idea too. If you think the Kardashians made themselves famous, guess again. Being the Devil’s Advocate is a full time job, my friend!

BC: So, the Devil is your only client these days?

EH: I never said that. Let’s just say he’s my most high profile account, and when you’ve got Old Nick himself on board, the slime buckets come out of the woodwork waving multimillion dollar checks in your face, begging you to sign up. After word got out about Hathaway & Associates work planting all those murderous psychos in the religious right’s political wing on behalf of Lucifer, we had to rent an additional 2 floors of office space and hire scores more fixers and spinners, plus support staff. Spreading evil is a business here on K Street, and business is booming!

BC: Well, I guess at least that’s one segment of the economy that’s recovering…

EH: And if we here on K Street have anything to say about it, it will stay that way! The worse things are or everyone else, the better they are for lobbyists and their clients.

BC: I sort of suspected that…

EH: Believe it! How’s your 40K plan doing these days? I’m betting it’s in the crapper.

BC: You mean the worldwide Financial Collapse of 2008 was your work?

EH: You give me too much credit, but I’ll take it. Hell, who am I kidding, I’l take anything that’s not nailed down whether I need it or not, just to take it, know what I mean? No? Well, that explains your Men’s Warehouse wardrobe… let’s just say that it was a concerted effort by a lot of high priced talent. The general feeling in the Privileged Community was that way too many people were getting too much of their pie… and well, things had to be done about that.

BC: The Privileged Community? Their pie? I’m not following you….

EH: Boy, Old Nick was right about you, you really are clueless about how the world really works!

BC: The Devil knows who I am? What the….

EH: Relax, the devil knows who everyone is! That’s why he’s the Devil and you’re not! He tells me you’re worthless to him, so don’t lose any sleep over your mortal soul, at least not yet, he’s still working on your sappy ass. All you want to do is love everybody and help people, he tells me, and that sort of thing bugs the crap out of him. Can’t say what he’s got up his sleeve, but a word to the wise, Bobcrespo.com, watch your back! That’s the first and last free advice you’ll ever get from a lobbyist. He’s the one who insisted I grant you this interview, not me. I wouldn’t give you the time of day myself. Nothing personal, pal, but I saw right off the bat you have no money to give me and there’s not much left to take away from you…

BC: You saw that right away? Geez…

EH: I’m a lobbyist, pal! We can smell money like sharks can smell blood in the water from miles away, and, to put this as gently as I can, you’re the unscented variety. Frankly, I don’t know why my client insisted on this interview. He’s got some mysterious motives I find it prudent never to question… but hell, I don’t ask why some of my other clients poison water supplies, murder a big chunk of their own countrymen or steal granny’s pension either! There’s some questions you just don’t ask. Like Vito Corleone said: “It makes no difference to me how a man earns his living.” I’m just hired to help them legitimize their activities so now they are not crimes anymore, and make them look like saints to some fools in the process. No one ever said it’s an easy job.

BC: That must take an incredible about of skill and smarts!

EH: Like they say, that’s why I take the big money…

BC: I think they say “make” the big money…

EH: Have it your way…

BC: I’m guessing it never occurred to you to apply your impressive skills towards doing good and helping other people…

EH: Not for one second. Why, is there any money in that?

BC: Never mind. Let me ask you who are your contacts in the government and how you go about convincing them to undermine the country to help your clients?

EH: You can ask all you want, but I’m not betraying my accomplices for free!

BC: But you would if the money was right?

EH: In a flash! What is it you’re not getting about the term “lobbyist,” Bob?

BC: I’m getting it, I’m getting it… How about your methods, or is that a secret too?

EH: I hardly think I’ll be giving away any trade secrets describing bribery and blackmail. When straight bribery doesn’t work we simply resort to our Jedgar Files.

BC: What’s a Jedgar File?

EH: Simply put, compromising information on individuals, named for the undisputed master of the judicious use of incriminating and/or personally comprising dossiers, J. Edgar Hoover, hence the name Jedgar. We make it our business to find out which major players, on both sides of aisle in Congress, in every federal agency and in the Pentagon, which if them enjoys fooling around with hot and cold running girls, or boys, or who has a spouse with a wicked pain killer addiction, maybe they’re nasty drunks themselves, maybe they have a kid or two with some criminal charges hanging over their heads, a huge gambling problem, all sorts of career-ruining, family-shattering stuff. Any time you see a huge scandal break, it’s either someone screwing up in a lobbying firm, not likely at all, or the target of the scandal was foolishly refusing to go with the Privileged Community’s program, and so they get “outed,” so to speak. Does the name “Eliot Spitzer” mean anything to you? How about that gnarly old chicken hawk Larry Craig, Mr. Wide Stance himself?

BC: It occurs to me that he devil has put himself in the company of this “Privileged Community ” you speak about. Why is that?

EH: Don’t confuse Lucifer with Jesus, my friend, hanging around with poor shlubs and performing miracles for free! Ole’ Scratch knows where the good times are, being filthy fucking rich, doing whatever the hell you feel like, whenever the hell you feel like doing it! As far as the Privileged Community, Satan says he’s got even more rewards in store for most of us when we die.

BC: I can well imagine…

EH: Don’t be so certain of your final destination either, Bob! Satan assures me he’s got a nifty little Jedgar file on you too!

BC: I would guess he does… it’s been an interesting battle with him over the years, and he’s come out on top more time than I’d care to admit… but that’s my problem.

EH: So, are we done, here? I believe I’ve satisfied my client’s request.

BC: Just let me recap for my readers here, sir. I think I understand now why Satan uses your services: Even though, by definition, he’s above prosecution and nobody outside of emaciated Goth teens ever learned to love the guy, he needs advocates to create a smokescreen. You promote his work as the opposite of what it is, and sell it to oafish individuals as the greatest thing since ice cream, convincing them at the same time this miracle is being kept from them by another segment of humanity that they need to hate and kill if they want to have a perfect world. Is that about the size of it?

EH: Bingo! That’s lobbying in a nutshell! You ever read any legislation, Bobcrespo.com? And no, I’m not talking about the opening paragraphs, what the law says it’s supposed to be about, but all the riders and “earmarks” attached to a good idea until it becomes something that accomplishes the exact opposite of what it’s supposed to. Retailers call this bait and switch. We call it a day at the office. Legislation, elections, foreign policy, industrial regulations and safeguards, the sanctity of people’s pension funds, all of those things are targets of aggressive manipulation by all my clients, not only Satan. That’s what the Privileged Community does, and that’s how we remain The Privileged Community, but none of us are as active as Lucifer. That SOB is even busier in the mayhem department than Exxon/Mobile, if you can wrap your head around that one!

BC: That is impressive, I suppose, in a super creepy sort of way… can you tell me what name to devil goes by these days?

EH: Sure. Ashton Kutcher, maybe you heard of him? He’s huge on Twitter.

BC: Ashton Kutcher the actor?You’re kidding?

EH: Actor? You’re being kind, and I’m quite serious, Ashton Kutcher is the Anti Christ. One of his more brilliant manifestations, no? Now, if that just about does it, I have an appointment with President Assad of Syria. Good day, sir!

Editor’s note:That went well, as these things go, but as usual I feel that maybe interviews are not my forté. Until next time, this has been another bobcrespo.com exclusive interview.

Bob Crespo: “Thank you for granting us this interview, Mr. Cheetah, it is an honor and a pleasure.”

Cheetah: “No prob, Bob, and drop the Mister! It’s just Cheetah.”

BC: “Thank you, Cheetah! So, what brings to you to New York City? I heard you were living in retirement in Florida?”

Cheetah: “What else? Doctors! At my age it’s always one thing or another , prostate, heart trouble, you-name-it! This time it’s my kidneys. I remember back in the day when a trip to the Big Apple meant tons of fun, nightclubs, restaurants, shows…”

BC: “Sorry to hear of your health woes, Cheetah. May I ask how old you are?”

Cheetah: “Sure, I’m 80.”

BC: “And how many years is that in Chimp Years?”

Cheetah: “It’s 80, fool! You think the calendar changes because I’m a chimp? Get real!”

BC: “Well, I just thought that since one year is 7 dog years…”

Cheetah: “That’s a bunch of crap too! Dog simply don’t live all that long. Chimps do.”

BC: “Sorry…”

Cheetah: “Just don’t make me sorry I signed up for this interview with your cockamamie outfit! What the hell is a bobcrespo.com, anyway? My agent said your site is on the “cutting edge” and I should talk to you. The cutting edge of what, being a complete jackass?”

BC: “Well, there are some who have said exactly that…”

Cheetah: “Ah, don’t mind me, son, I’m just getting a bit grumpy in my old age, and I’m thinking his kidney deal might just bring down the curtain on old Cheetah… Go ahead, ask your questions.”

BC: “How did you get into show business?”

Cheetah: “The oldest Show Biz story in the books, but the God’s honest; born in a trunk in DeMoines to a touring vaudeville family of Chimpanzees. Dad was Jiggs, Mom was Daisy, and I was part of the act  before I was weaned, learning to dance, be an acrobat and dress in a tuxedo with a derby, Classic Chimp Comedy Clothes.”

BC: “I thought you were born in the wilds of Africa…”

Cheetah: “Why, because I’m a Chimp? Did you think the same of Louis Armstrong and Lena Horne because they were black? Don’t get me started...”

BC: “No, no, it’s just that in all your Tarzan Movies, you seemed so at home in Africa…”

Cheetah: “Ever hear of a skill called acting, Bob? Like you, I’m born in the USA!  Not a single one of those movies were shot in Africa, I’ve never even been there! They were done mostly on movie studio sets, and the location shots were taken in Florida or Central America, and the “jungle animals” were all actors like myself, every one of them with an S.A.G. card. Old Leo the Lion, good buddy of mine and most famous for roaring at the beginning of every MGM movie, he was in all sorts of films, ‘Mighty Joe Young,’ ‘Ben Hur,’ ‘Samson & Delilah,’ you name it. They needed a lion, Leo was the go-to guy. He had great acting chops , never flubbed a roar, and was in huge demand.”

BC: “What was it like working with Johnny Weismuller?”

Cheetah: “Hell of a nice guy, but a bit of a dumb jock, and I had to carry him for our first bunch of pictures before he learned to act. Being a champion Olympic swimmer doesn’t qualify you for being much but being a champion Olympic swimmer, otherwise that pothead bozo Michael Phelps would be a huge star, but Johnny was pretty game and put his mind into learning the trade, and always asked me for tips and advice. When he got stuck on the motivation for his character’s lines a couple of times, I just slapped him upside his head and reminded him this that was Tarzan we’re talking about here, not Hamlet! Just hit your mark and say ‘Bad men must leave jungle now!’ He eventually got it and you could wake him up in the middle of the night and he could deliver that whacky Tarzan scream and mumble some inarticulate crap quite easily.”

BC: ” You make it sound so … pedestrian… workmanlike…”

Cheetah: “It’s a job, Bob! We’re really good at acting and special effects and telling stories out in Hollywood, in case you weren’t aware. You’re a musician, you oughtta know that just because you sing a sad song doesn’t mean you’re feeling suicidal!”

BC: “Sorry, you’re right of course…”

Cheetah: “Damned straight I’m right! I haven’t been in Show Biz for 80 years for nothing!. That’s why they call it show business, not show art! Artists starve, entertainers make serous dough!”

BC: “I think I’m beginning to see my own problem… Anyway, what was Maureen O’Sullivan like?”

Cheetah: “A dream to work with, a consummate pro, and damned easy on the eye, lemme tellya! She and I had a thing for each other, hot and heavy, for years you know, we were very deeply in love…”

BC: “I’d never heard that!”

Cheetah: “Of course you didn’t, the studios kept a tight lid that stuff back in the day, so you never knew about interracial couples, drunks, dope fiends, gay matinee idols, love children and so on. Don’t forget, this was the 1930s, when baseball wasn’t even integrated, never mind the rest of the country, and with the Great Depression going on, most people didn’t have two nickels to rub together. The Hollywood American Dream Machine was busy trying to keep up appearances, and eventually Maureen and I drifted apart due to some pretty intense studio pressure…”

BC: “A shame…”

Cheetah: “Yes… yes it was… and one of my few regrets, not getting to raise my own son…”

BC: “You had a child with Maureen O’Sullivan?”

Cheetah: ” We did, and I don’t care who knows it now! After a lot of arm twisting by studio bosses, we gave the boy up for adoption so he’d have a shot at a normal life far away from the spotlights and the inevitable scandal… but it was in his blood, I suppose, and he’s a famous man today. Maybe you’ve heard of our son, he’s a pretty big deal on TV, his name is Bull O’Really. I can’t help but think that he wouldn’t have turned out to be such a cold, arrogant jackass if I had raised him myself… ah, but that’s all water under the bridge now…”

BC: “Are you in touch with your son?”

Cheetah: Sadly, no. He’s ashamed to introduce me to his family. I’m Jewish, you see, and he’s a devout Catholic, and won’t tolerate my Judaism, even though I’m not particularly observant. Funny, but Maureen never had a problem with that, and she was as Irish Catholic as they come!”

BC: “Do you miss Maureen?”

Cheetah: “Very much so. I have fresh roses sent to her grave once a week since we lost her back in ‘98.”

BC: “Did you stay in touch with Johnny Weissmuller after the Tarzan movies?”

Cheetah: “Who do you think set him up with the ‘Jungle Jim’ franchise? I had been in the business all my life as a performer, and knew I was always going to be typecast, “the Chimp in the picture,” so I branched out into producing, directing and screenwriting, and brother, that’s where the money is, and the creative control! I set Johnny up as executive producer, and he retired on his Jungle Jim residuals. Wasn’t much call for aging Tarzans in Hollywood either, so Johnny invested wisely and was sitting pretty in his golden years until de died in 1984. I did the same thing for Maureen, and why not? There was plenty of dough to go around, and I say dance with the one who brung ya! We three came up together, became stars together, and no one ever had to throw any benefits for Tarzan, Jane, or Cheetah, thank you very much!”

BC: “Very generous of you, Cheetah. I know you have retired completely from Show Biz these past several years, so how have you spent your Golden Years?”

Cheetah: “Writing my memoirs, of course! The book is called ‘The Chimp Stays in The Picture,‘ and will be published by Random House in the Spring of 2012, going for the must-read summer books lists, huge promo campaign, and also available on Kindle and iBooks. I’ve been tweeting short passages to my Twitter following, so advance orders have been strong…”

BC: “You have a Twitter following?”

Cheetah: “Who doesn’t? Only Ashton Kutcher has more followers than me! You know what they’re saying; ‘Tweet or die,’ Bob, Tweet or die!”

BC: “I think I’m seeing another thing I’m doing wrong…”

Cheetah: “You mean that an 80 year-old monkey has a Twitter account and you don’t? Get real, Bob, check the calendar!”

BC: :”Pretty much, Cheetah, pretty much… I see I have much to learn from you Show Biz veterans. Thank you for taking time out to speak with bobcrespo.com, Cheetah. It has been an honor.”

Cheetah: “No prob, Bob! And remember, ‘The Chimp Stays In The Picture’ comes out this spring, and early word on the Strip is that Spielberg is dickering for the rights, and already has Matt Damon on board to play me! Happy New Year, Tarzan Fans!”