If anyone doubts that there have gays in the military forever, just take a gander at some of the Generals’ and Admirals’ uniforms throughout history. Those frilly ensembles didn’t design themselves.

Few men enjoy opera, ballet or sappy romantic comedies, but endure them for their women. Don’t go hog wild with the praise or she’ll know you’re full of shit and there goes football season. Just go with the program.

Somewhere along the line someone will try to maneuver you into denying what you believe to justify their own hateful nonsense. Tell them nice try, but you’re smarter than that, and they’re on their own with the evil bullshit.

Nobody loves you like your inflatable girlfriend.

Good genes and temperate habits take you only so far. Runaway dump trucks don’t care how long you were supposed to live. Don’t discount dumb luck.

As proof that life has not become completely out of hand, the word “cheesefood” still isn’t in the dictionary. Small victories count.

Dentists are the nicest people we hate.

The blank ID card that comes with your new wallet isn’t valid in Missouri, Wisconsin, Kentucky, Guam and American Samoa, no matter how good your penmanship. It’s best to go with the driver’s license in these locales.

Understanding life wouldn’t be all that hard without all the lying and deceit we enjoy so much. That changes it from simple math to quantum physics.

Nobody loves you like your invisible friend.