Bob Crespo

It’s election time in Iraq. You know what that means, right? Yes, that’s right, an opportunity for Urban Renewal! In a unique cultural quirk, Iraqis look at elections as not only ringing in the new when it comes to elected officials, but a chance to demolish a lot of aging, decrepit buidings. And if the demolitions experts are notorious for not clearing the area of civilians before setting their explosive charges, well, that’s just Darwinism at work, Iraqi style. The thinning of the herd and survival of the fittest is more than dry book theory to Iraqis, who put it into practice with constant field testing, and only the fittest, the smartest and the swiftest of Iraqis survive election season.

Which works out pretty well for them. Who would you want rebuilding your shattered infrastructure, a bunch of slow, unthinking drones who blindly walk into a trap and are mowed down like so many blades of grass, or those smart enough and fast enough enough to outwit and outrun the demolition men? Of course you’d want only the best and brightest to build the New Iraq, what with the old one being in pretty bad shape after a 10 year war with Iran back in the 1980s, a beat down by America troops in 1991 and the complete annihilation of their army and former government by America starting in 2003 and continuing to this day. These people need their wits about them!

With their old leader hung and his government removed from office (hung), the elections are are a necessary exercise to formulate a working government in preparation for the day when American troops cease occupying this Texas look-alike. And what better way than to start fresh, with brand new roads, buildings and power plants to replace the old roads, buildings and power plants? Which, truth be told, were getting a little long in the tooth, with some of these structures dating back thousands of years! Forward-thinking Iraqis are grateful to America for providing them this golden opportunity to bring their ancient nation into the 21st century.

Towards that end, whenever an election is called, the demolitions experts get busy. First, they gather to decide which buildings and open air markets have to go, then there’s the recruitment and training phase where young men are signed up to carry out the clearing of the old and decrepit to make way for the shiny and new. Apparently many Iraqis are unhappy with their government buildings, especially those housing their police and military forces, and also their hopelessly antiquated polling places. So, in order to provide the New Iraq with state-of-the-art facilities, the old ones need to be torn down, and in a big hurry. Nothing says go away like several hundred pounds of C-4 plastic explosives packed tightly in an old sedan!

And if some Iraqis are too old, slow or dimwitted to avoid the demolition sites, well, it’s the old eggs and omelets theory, although the Iraqi recipe for making an omelet always seems to start with vaporized eggs. To each his own, as they say, and who’s to say that Iraqi omelets are less tasty than others? What may seem chaotic and frenzied to Western eyes is merely a new cultural take on political institutions and nation-building. So far during this election season, many new construction sites have been prepared, with some of the explosions so powerful that the foundation is pre-dug for the builders. All the engineers need to do is clear away the rubble and the bodies and start pouring cement!

So let us applaud the industrious Iraqis for their refreshing approach to democracy. Useless people and useless infrastructure swept aside together, making room for the new, the bold and the modern! When the dust clears (literally), Iraq will be in possession of a new set of leaders and a new set of impressive buildings in which to house them. America can then pack up and go home, well satisfied that our work is done as the newest member of the Brotherhood of Democracies sets up shop in the Middle East as a shining beacon of liberty and a fine example of self-determination and Social Darwinism. Let the voting and exploding begin!

For the first time in 13 years, the Chinese Communist Party has issued a new ethics code. Apparently the universally proclaimed (by communists, anyway) superior virtue of just being a communist needs periodic reinforcement. The founder of Chinese Communism, The Great Helmsman himself, Mao Zedong, was always revising his list of dos and don’ts for his fellow Chinese, most notoriously by starting the Culturual Revolution 23 years after his Regular Revolution secured him undisputed power. Mao was seriously addicted to revolution, murder and rule making, so in 1966 he started the Cultural Revolution that was a perfect combination of his three passions and resulted in millions and millions of deaths of people who weren’t even his enemies. And yet somehow this monstrous butcher gets to be remembered as some kind of cuddly old Grandfather of His Country.

The current regime is a bunch of button-down capitalists who are communists in name only, a curious combination of good old fashioned police state dictators and robber barons, the first generation of Chinese leaders who did not participate in the revolution of 1927 to 1949. Now that those Communist puritan founding fathers and grandfathers are safely dead and the government no longer makes war on their own citizens, communism is pretty much what these commu-capitalist tyrants says it is. There are no more expensive and futile efforts to remake humanity into some sort of ideal beings working for the common good, and their disastrous 5 Year Plans are also history. And instead of implying what is wright and wrong and showing people the errors of their ways by killing them when they don’t take the hint, the new Chinese dictators, in line with their corporate leanings, issue detailed directives spelling it all out. Consider these puzzling new rules for Chinese Communists.

No Communist Party official shall endanger profits.

Copyrights and Patents are decadent Western concepts.

In order to ensure that our comrades’ mail is delevered perfectly, all personal communications, both electronic and traditional, will be thoroughly inspected for spelling errors by party officials.

Foreign journalists working in China will be granted the privelege of having their stories and reports improved by officials at the People’s Better Writing Bureau.

Members of Opposition Political Parties and Movements will be given the opportunity to pursue increased physical stamina and personal discipline at The People’s Sleep-Away Camps For Grownups.

Effective immediately, all technical support representatives dealing with America customers will henceforth use the only the names Betsy or Butch. This will simplify the process and gain the trust of the American Running Dogs of Socialism.

All good Communists will henceforth read the Little Green Book, a collection of the wisdom of Warren Buffett on international markets, value investing, aggressive accumulation and how to create a state-sanctioned monopoly.

In order to eliminate corruption in the Worker’s Paradise, any rewards paid to Party Officials by corporations for favorable treatment will be called “incentive bonuses” and “stock options.”

All references to the “incident” in Tiananmen Square in 1989 will be henceforth referred to as “The Tiananmen Square People’s Disco Bash.”

History books will be amended to reflect the desire of the Tibetan people to be liberated from the ruthless tyranny of the Dalai Lama and his barefoot monks.

An area of The People’s Republic the size of Pennsylvania called the “Former Lead Battery Capital of The World” has been closed for repairs for the remainder of the millennium. The New Lead Battery Capital of The World is being constructed by The People’s Buddhist Monk Volunteers Brigade in Lhasa, the capital of Tibet.

In an effort to allay the fears of citizens in the so-called “earth-quake alley” of northern China, all new construction of dams and nuclear power plants shall be built on top of a 12-foot foundation of shock-resistant and water-absorbent Sham Wow Super Absorbent Wipes to soak up any floodwaters and nuclear waste material in the event of another earthquake, which will be wrung out afterwards by The People’s Buddhist Monk Volunteers Brigade.

With China now having the largest number of people in the world who speak English, the People’s Republic has commissioned a Linguistics Conference to do something about the letters R and L. Until such time as a satisfactory resolution is reached, no Chinese shall use the words “inscrutable,” “lollipop” or “irregular” unless absorutery necellaly.

Recession, Shmasession! Governor David Paterson did something this past week to make all New Yorkers’ hearts swell with pride and strengthen our collective resolve to lick these Hard Times! Governor Paterson single-handedly vaulted New York back into the lead in the Disgraced Governor Club! Himself a Governor by Appointment, replacing the Disgraced Eliot Spitzer, Paterson announced that he was dropping out of the campign for election this Fall due to a scandal.

While not a luridly sensational sex scandal like Spitzer provided, with clandestine train rides, fine hotels and expensive hookers in Washington, D.C., Paterson has abused the privileges of his office and accepted inappropriate gifts, while his personal intervention in a police matter to save his close  aide from arrest for spousal abuse is pretty rotten behavior by anyone, inexcusable for a Governor.  So make that 2 in a row for New York, beating Illinois, New Jersey and North Carolina 2-1 in the Disgraced Governor Sweepstakes. Eat our dust, Wannabees!

While Disgraced Governors are not all that uncommon in America, having two of them back-to-back is unprecedented in the annals of state governments and sets New York apart as the elite, the creme-de-la-creme of thoroughly corrupted state governments. Not only does our second consecutive New York State Governor have to disappear in a hurry, the national consensus is that our New York State Senate, our New York State Legislature and our New York State Judiciary are all just as riddled with incompetence and corruption as the Governor’s Mansion! We’re #1! New Jersey only WISHES! We’re # 1 we’re #1…

Hard times, these. Money’s tight and we’re all looking for ways to stretch a buck, a piece of paper hard to come by in sufficient quantities lately. So, as a public service, bobcrespo.com has been researching ways to save some of your hard-earned. Towards that end, today we look to Pawn Shops, those outlets that profit on others’ financial distress and pass the savings on to you. Television, musical instruments (musicians always seem to be broke), jewelry, cameras, computers, silverware, antiques, appliances, stereos and all manner of electronics and portable valuables. We all need these items for ourselves, and buying retail can be prohibitive. While you may not enjoy the wide array of choices that mainstream shopping offers, sometimes a small compromise can save you a few dollars. Items like these:

1 very large “Hope & Change” gold necklace, inlaid with small rubies, diamonds and topaz for a red, white and blue motif. – Only $1,200. Originally commissioned for $24,000. Hardly ever worn.

75 Sarah Palin action figures with Kung Fu Grip and Secret Decoder Palm in original packaging. – $6 apiece. Perfect gifts for kids too young to know any better, or collectors crossing their fingers that they’re sitting on the next Luke Skywalker doll.

15,000 lbs. of assorted office supplies. – best offer. This particular pawnshop in Manhattan cashed in on all the fired junior executives from the financial service industries in 2008 who, stung by taking the hit for their mega-thieving bosses, turned around and looted the place down to the last staple. Equip your entire office cheap! Enough Post-it notes alone to last a lifetime!

1,000 copies of Al Gore’s book, “An Inconvenient Truth.” – .25¢ apiece. It seems this pawnshop, located in a Washington, D.C. buried in 2 feet of global warming, has cashed in on the sharp drop-off in sales of Mr. Gore’s best seller. Canny speculators will wait until July to unload them at a tidy profit!

500 copies of the Academy Award-winning movie, “An Inconvenient Truth.” – .89¢ apiece. See above.

1 Academy Award Statue, inscribed: “Al Gore – Best Documentary in 2006.” – $2,500. The number of Mr. Gore’s speaking engagements has plunged in direct proportion to the mercury on the thermometer, so here’s your chance to brighten up the old mantle piece with an Oscar of your own. Another 75 bucks gets it inscribed to you in any category you like!

1 Official Speaker of The House portrait of Newt Gingrich. – $850. This fine oil painting once hung in the halls of The House of Representatives! Mr. Gingrich is pictured with an outdated trophy wife model and has since commissioned a new one to update his latest marital acquisition. Roll the dice, and if this guy ever does become president, you can sell it for a fortune on the frozen streets of Hell

50,0000 Heavy duty Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac inscribed welcome mats- $1 apiece. The former home mortgage giants used to give them away to every customer, and these classic woven hemp welcome mats were the only thing most of their customers have to show that they once owned a home. And for only a buck apiece, you can build a reasonably sturdy, warm and rain-resistant shelter with a several dozen of these bad boys.

1 Trump trophy wife. – $750,000. This one-of-a-kind, gorgeous blonde gym rat in her early thirties from somewhere in Eastern Europe (no one’s really quite sure where) is a steal at only 750K, especially considering that The Donald’s standard Pre-nup calls for a $25 million buy out when her expiration date of 30 is reached. One payment covers everything, including lump-sum alimony payment. Live like a billionaire for an estimated 6 months to a year!

100,000 Winter Olympics Official earmuffs and matching T-shirts. – $1 each. These first-quality Hanes all-cotton T-shirts in all sizes and Antarctic-rated earmuffs are inscribed with the logo: “2010 Winter Olympics, Vancouver, Canada.” Apparently Canada forgot in their excitement over hosting the games that it is the most boring nation on earth and thought more people would show up and watch them fail to win a medal in sports they invented out of necessity to keep warm.

9 million Toyota floor mats. – .10¢ each. These durable rubber-backed synthetic fiber automobile carpets can be easily glued together to form a beautiful all-weather carpet for your family room at a fraction of the cost of wall-to-wall carpeting! Available in standard Toyota interior colors.

Last month’s iPhones. – $35. Every time Steve Jobs calls a press conference, millions of techno-trendies determined to be in the vanguard of personal electronics line up to pay astronomical prices for the newest iPhone that is practically identical to these discarded models that were used for a very short time and work just fine. No one will be able to tell the difference!

Well, the New Year isn’t new anymore, Life’s Rich Pageant is marching earnestly along, and news of great and small portent flows like lava from an angry volcano, showering all of us and demanding our attention. Well, so what? That, my friends, is the essence of Not Caring: so friggin’ what? There’s all sorts of new and exciting developments to not care about, a veritable Cornucopia of Callousness to stir our deep-seted apathy. These are exciting times to be alive and ambivalent, indeed. Let’s just scrape the tip of the Iceberg of Idiocy, if you will, and review the contenders for The Rat’s Ass Awards:

The Winter Olympics: Always a reliable finalist for a Rat’s Ass Award, as in “who gives a,” these Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada are especially uninteresting since they are being held in, well, Canada, aka The Country That Wasn’t There. Now that they are almost over, can anyone remember who won what in any category? Of course not! And why would anyone care? What usually takes days to forget now happens instantly. But we will remember the pretty blonde woman curler who cried. Crying? There’s no crying in curling! It’s the  unavoidable Canada (non) Factor, and the usual Rat’s Ass Award in the Bad Cabin Fever Category to The Winter Olympics.

American Idle: Who is Simon Cowell and what’s the big deal with him going away? When you don’t know or care about some super wealthy guy who seems to be famous (you’re not quite sure) for being nasty, you just sort of shrug it off. Since actually finding out anything about the guy would entail watching some episodes of America Idle, it’s best just cut to the chase and maintain your ignorance. A Rat’s Ass to Mr. Cowell in the Go-ahead-and-let-the-door-hit-you-in the-ass-on-the-way-out Category. You’re a bazillionaire. Who cares?

Tiger Woods’ penis: Not since President Clinton was running the country with a huge smile on his face have we been accosted with 8 pages of details about the adventures of a famous penis in mainstream newspapers. As far as Mr. Woods’ character is concerned, why would anyone be surprised (or even mildly interested) that he cheated on his wife when his whole life was a fraud? You see, the only reason that he was the best golfer ever is because he was an athlete! In all of recorded history, there have never been any athletes involved in professional golf, so it stands to reason that even a mildly talented athlete would beat the pants off the assortment of fat guys and scrawny geeks that are professional golfers. That’s like letting LeBron James compete in the Special Olympics. Of course he’s going to win all the prizes and make everyone else cry! So Tiger Woods’ penis gets a Rat’s Ass Award in the Boring Fraud Category.

Mark McGwire: Does anybody anywhere think that Mark McGwire did not pump himself full of steroids in order to hit 70 home runs one year? No, no there is not. All anyone had to see is him embracing the entire family of Roger Maris like Paul Bunyan scooping up a bunch of puppies to realize that this guy was one temper tantrum short of becoming the Incredible Hulk and wrecking a significant portion of St. Louis. Beside, Mr. McGwire got his comeuppance just 3 years later when his home run record was broken by another Incredible Growing Steroid Man, Barry Bonds. Now Mark McGwire returns to baseball as the batting instructor for the St. Louis Cardinals and we’re supposed to be interested in this personality-free Uberjock? And the Rat’s Ass goes to…

Guns in National Parks: There’s a big hoopla going on about people carrying guns in National Parks. Should they or shouldn’t they? Is it ethical or a danger to children? Well, there have been people with guns in National Parks forever. They’re called Park Rangers and every so often they have to shoot a bear or a wolf who’s eyeing someone’s chubby baby as a potential meal, so maybe it’s not such a bad idea for people dim enough to bring small children in close proximity to vicious predators to be heavily armed. Its not the kids’ fault their parents are so friggin’ stupid. But then again, what are the odds of these kids growing up to be any smarter than their peculiar progenitors? Further, what are the odds that their goofball parents will be any more skillful with a rifle than they are with the lives of their children, especially when drinking a lot, which seems to be an integral part of the Nature Experience for so many of us loyal citizens? Probably quite small on both counts. This is an especially rewarding problem to not care about due to its complexity and the existential questions about the thinning of the herd it does not raise in our jaded and apathetic minds. Hopefully, it won’t take too many “hunting accidents” to convince the authorities to reevaluate that whole Armed Drunken Tourist notion before sensible people start getting slain along with the dim. What the hell, let’s just have done with it and give The Big Rat’s Ass in the Scary-Morons-With-Rifles Category to those park patrons who come loaded for bear, in more ways than one! So What?

Lifetime Achievement Rat’s Ass Award: For consistently maintaining low standards, demanding attention for pedestrian concerns and dubious achievements, the Rat’s Ass For Lifetime Achievement goes to… Donald Trump, world class bore and serial trophy wife collector!  We salute The Donald for never ever saying anything interesting or displaying the slightest interest in anything that does not revolve completely around Donald Trump. Poorly done! Unbrilliant! How very sad! Go away! Forgettable! Pathetic! How trifling…

In our ongoing quest to affect a more civil society, bobcrespo.com has been a leader in publishing our continually updated MODERN RULES FOR GENTLEMEN, with such timeless nuggets as “a gentleman always takes the wet spot” and “a gentleman refrains from appearing on reality shows.” In the interest of fairness, we now bring you MODERN RULES FOR LADIES, a handy guide to the difficult task of being a lady in these strident and contentious modern times. These upgraded rules for decorous behavior are essential as the role of women in society grows and evolves in what we ambitiously like to call this Modern Era. Consider these:

A lady never contacts the wife of her lover for any reason.

When chugging whisky from the bottle, a lady always wipes the rim with her sleeve before passing it on.

No one can call herself a lady who appears on an episode of “COPS” as anything other than one of the cops.

When engaged in pole dancing, a lady never shows her utter contempt for the slobbering losers shoving beer-soaked money in her G-string.

A lady makes sure her man doesn’t clutter up the yard in front of their double-wide trailer with more than 2 rusting pickup trucks. A creative lady turns them into attractive planters.

When a lady schoolteacher is giving “private lessons” to a high school boy, she takes pains to wipe the huge grin off her face afterwards.

A lady never takes a pool boy as her lover when the house she shares with her husband has no swimming pool. Explaining his presence in the household would be quite problematic.

A lady makes sure her Sugar Daddy pays a hefty price for his gifts of jewelry to her and always acts dissatisfied that he didn’t spend more. This will keep the old gentleman on his toes, and he will not fail to spend more next time.

When plotting to steal one’s wealthy boss from his wife, a lady does so in a subtle manner in order to make it appear that it was all his idea.

When a lady’s famous husband is caught cheating, it is not necessary to stand by his side silently and supportively at the press conference where he tries to explain away his preference for transvestite albino dwarves. “Stand by your man” only goes so far, and a lady is no one’s doormat.

When one too many plastic surgeries make a lady look like the inflatable love doll from Hell, she refrains from frequenting playgrounds and scaring the children.

When losing an argument with one’s gentleman, a lady always brings up his past misdeeds, especially those of many years ago, and acts as if freshly wounded. The judicious use of tears will also help a lady prevail, no matter how weak her argument or silly her request.

A lady always exhibits impeccable taste in choosing a firearm to eliminate tedious husbands and troublesome lovers, and is ever mindful of the advances in forensics.

Similarly, a lady makes sure that her husband’s life is well-insured.

A lady always remembers that her own money is hers, while her husband’s or gentlenman friend’s earnings are always “ours.”

A middle aged lady is very careful not to publicly exhibit her hatred of beautiful young ladies.

When employed as a crack whore, a lady never brings her clients home.

A lady makes it her business to know the difference between cheap knockoffs and genuine designer goods, and lets her gentleman know that she knows.

A lady always provides a happy ending.

As a public disservice, bobcrespo.com has been scouring the world for oddball facts. Just in case you don’t have enough useless information stored up between your ears, try these on for size:

A lactating Holstein dairy cow produces about 150 pounds of waste each day, one third urine and two thirds wet feces. Is it any wonder why so few of us want to be dairy farmers?

Bulls are really colorblind and the red cape that bullfighters use to infuriate them appears gray to them. The real reason the bulls are so pissed off is because they have already been stabbed several times by picadors before the matador starts waving his cape around and stabbing him some more. The red cape, however, looks really smokin’ with the matador’s flashy duds.

Enough about bovines. The new thing with turkeys is to deep fry them. Not that the taste of this dry ass bird is any better deep-fried, it’s just than some people want to cut to the chase and swiftly move on to the Thanksgiving Day football games. Only problem is that a great many homes have been burned down by people who figure it’s okay to have a few drinks before tossing a 25 pound frozen bird into 5 gallons of boiling oil. Not exactly the most brilliant idea to come down the pike lately, but often a pretty spectacular sight.

To those who are critical of American industry, there’s hope. Almost 90% of all pornography is produced right here in the good old U.S. of A, with 260 brand new porn websites going online every single day. Fastest growing genre? Hot Asian Babes Doing All Kinds Of Weird Stuff. Take that, China!

The smallest nation on Earth in both area and population is Vatican City, 110 acres and 800 people. It’s also one of the most influential nations on earth, what with the Pope living there and all, and him being the boss of all bosses of more than a billion Roman Catholics. While its power is not quite what it was in the Middle Ages when kings and emperors kissed papal ass, the Vatican still packs an ideological punch.

Good news for the Pope: Christianity is the world’s fastest growing religion.

Speaking of tiny countries, the only nation on earth with more personal computers per capita than The United States is San Marino, properly known as The Most Serene Republic of San Marino, with 738 computers per thousand citizens as opposed to a mere 574 per thousand in America. There are 30,000 Most Serene Marinans in a 23.5 square mile landlocked nation surrounded by Italy. This nation also boast the world’s oldest Constitution, dating from 1600, and has been independent since the year 301, when they split from the remnants of the Roman Empire. That’s about as much information as is needed about San Marino. More, probably.

The top of the food chain is occupied not by humans, but by the smallest of living creatures, bacteria, which eat us when we die. So much for our big brains, appetizers for microbes.

In the World’s Record For Futility Department, the structure that was the biggest failure and took the longest time to build and is the longest wall ever is the Great Wall of China, 800 years in the making and completely useless for keeping out invaders, its only intended purpose. It did however, begin paying dividends in the 20th century as a popular tourist attraction.

We’re #3! We’re #3! As it turns out, America is not the nation with the highest percentage of fat people. Australia tops us for the #2 slot, but the real connoisseur of corpulence, the champion of chops, the lord of lard, the Supreme Leader of Eaters is Samoa, where an impressive 93.5% of the population is obese. Well done! Or rare, medium, medium well, whatever…  just get it to the table and watch it evaporate!

At least the good old US of A still leads the world in teenage binge drinking, even if we are only a paltry #43 in average alcohol consumption per capita. The number one drinking country is, get this; Uganda! When you consider that the only other thing you’ve ever heard about Uganda is the genocidal misadventures of Idi Amin, that figure becomes understandable.

While we’re doing meaningless records, guess which country has the most bicycles per capita? No, not China, but The Netherlands. When you consider that drugs are practically legal there and driving cars while really stoned is problematic, and sort of dangerous, that brings the bicycle thing into sharper focus, even if that’s about the only thing in sharp focus over there.

The record for the most autobiographies is held by the late Winston Churchill, who apparently never had an unexpressed thought. While the man led a riveting life and was a major player in one of  history’s most fascinating  epochs, you’d think that two or three “The Story of My Life” books would have sufficed, but good old Winnie figured a dozen or more (many with several volumes) would be more like it. No one recognized the man’s indisputable greatness more than himself.

The person holding the record for the most Google searches ever is Michael Jackson. Second and third on the list? Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. You have to go a very long way down the list to find people like Einstein, Lincoln, Gandhi, King, Caesar, Christ, Newton, Voltaire, Jefferson, Washington, Mandela and yes, good old Winston Churchill, who is hundreds of millions of Google hits behind Madonna, who has written about a dozen fewer autobiographies.

The most nutritious food in the world is seaweed, possibly explaining why whales and Japanese senior citizens are in such great shape.

The Million Man March in Washington D.C. on October of 1995 was 600,000 men short of its title, but the “400,000 Man March” is nowhere near as cool a title.

Deserts cover one third of the world’s land masses, while water covers two third of the entire earth. Factor in all the swamps and uninhabitable mountain ranges and that pretty much explains why the subways are so crowded.

The movie phrase that is heard least often in real life is: “The Force is strong in this one!” The most often used movie line? “Feeling lucky, punk?”

The world’s biggest ball of yarn? Who gives a crap where it is and who put it there? Nobody’s making any detours to see that! There’s a limit to skull space for oddball facts and bobcrespo.com draws the line at gigantic balls of yarn.

There’s lots of facts about Canada, none of them remotely interesting. Again, there are limits to our curiosity and Canada is a guaranteed eye-glazer.

Got to admit, 2009 was one lousy year for headlines. If it wasn’t for Tiger Woods riding to the rescue to provide some comedy relief with his 14 identical girlfriends as the year drew to a close, it would have been a clean sweep for bad news. Tiger saved the day for like, 3 weeks straight, and if it cost him his marriage, well, what the hell, he’s only a golfer and a celebrity, not a real person. Besides, the guy cheated his way into being a billionaire by being an athlete. Everyone knows golf is not an actual sport, its a game for soft, out-of-shape husbands who don’t like home life all that much!

Of course an athlete would excel at something like that. Not only did Tiger Woods hijack their pitty-pat little game that involves no running, no heavy exertion and no defense (basically walking around slowly for an afternoon) he outdid them all in extra-marital activities. Serves him right to lose a couple of hundred mil. Hell, he’s got plenty more  where that came from. Anyway, he did us all a favor by knocking Mr. Bad News off the front pages for a few weeks. Hopefully the coming New Year will provide some more upbeat headlines for a long overdue change. Maybe stuff like this:

OBAMA ENDS BOTH WARS! TROOPS BEGIN PULLING OUT IMMEDIATELY. PRESIDENT DECLARES: “WHAT WERE WE THINKING?”

MAJOR MUSLIM HEADS OF STATE AND RELIGIOUS LEADERS CONDEMN TERRORISM IN THE NAME OF ISLAM. PAKISTAN HANDS OVER OSAMA BIN LADEN

GOLDMAN SACHS VOTES TO AWARD BONUSES TO THEIR INVESTORS AND CUSTOMERS

CHEEZ-WHIZ FOUND TO CURE CANCER!

SOCCER OUTLAWED IN AMERICA. CONGRESS: “SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING NEXT!”

PATRIOT ACT REPEALED, BILL OF RIGHTS RESTORED!

DICK CHENEY TO MARRY KARL ROVE IN MASSACHUSETTS

BUSH THE YOUNGER ARRESTED FOR WAR CRIMES, HEADED FOR THE HAGUE IN HANDCUFFS. PLANS “STUPIDITY DEFENSE,”  BLAMES MR. AND MR. CHENEY!

TALIBAN OUSTED FROM POWER IN PEACEFUL AFGHAN ELECTIONS, ORDERLY TRANSITION OCCURS.

INVENTOR ANNOUNCES PETROLEUM’S REPLACEMENT: GREENHOUSE GASSES! PERFECT ECOLOGICAL BALANCE ACHIEVED!

SIMON COWELL BEATEN INTO A COMA BY SUSAN BOYLE

STEVE McQUEEN VOTED COOLEST DEAD WHITE GUY EVER. LEAST COOL DEAD WHITE GUY: RICHARD NIXON

SARAH PALIN ATTACKED BY ROGUE MOOSE, MAKEUP SMEARED, GUCCI TOOLED-LEATHER RIFLE SLING DAMAGED

WEALTHY PEOPLE VOLUNTEER TO PAY TAXES AGAIN

UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE PASSED ALMOST UNANIMOUSLY, COVERING EVERY AMERICAN EXCEPT JOE LIEBERMAN

NEW ENERGY SOURCE AND AGRICULTURAL METHODS END WORLD HUNGER! SALLY STRUTHERS RETIRES.

POPE ADMITS HE HAS NO IDEA WHY HE WEARS THAT POINTY HAT

ALIENS ABDUCT SMART GUY FROM BIG CITY

CANADA FINALLY FORMS AN OPINION ON SOMETHING! DETAILS TO FOLLOW IN NEXT DECADE OR TWO

Last week bobcrespo.com published the obligatory “predictions for 2010,” the usual bag of hot air for forums of this sort. We are well aware of what a crap shoot (and a load of crap) that is, and almost none of the predictions will come to pass, which is about the same track record as everyone else has when it comes to fortune telling. So, today we go with a bunch of predictions that have a 100% chance of being true, since they already happened. Whatever the slim odds of something occurring are beforehand, well, once it happens, those figure go right out the window.

For example, in 2008, the odds that all the world’s largest banks, mortgage lenders and insurance companies would engage in criminal acts that nearly bankrupted  the whole world’s economies were 100%, a sure thing, while in 2007 that same prediction would be a million-to-one shot. See, that’s the beauty of predicting the past, you can hit the bullseye every time! They’ll be calling us Nostradamus Junior soon. So, being that the year is almost over, here is bobcrespo.com’s 20 SURE SHOT PREDICTIONS FOR 2009:

1. Michael Jackson will die unexpectedly while preparing for a big comeback. There, that was easy, no?

2. The lousy economic situation left over from 2008 will continue to suck, the serious recession deepening with near-record home foreclosures and high unemployment. On the plus side, the super-wealthy bankers will begin collecting huge bonuses from other people’s money again.

3. Barack Obama, the first black President of the United States, will take office, making history and world headlines. We’re on a roll now!

4. The second most famous half-black man in the world, Tiger Woods, will make world headlines by having 14 girlfriends that look exactly like his wife, displaying the tenacious consistency that made him the best golfer in the world, which, truth be told, is the less impressive accomplishment. Hell, even fat guys can be great golfers, but few people can have 15 identical women.

5. In several desperate efforts to remain relevant, the disgraced right wingers in America will ensure their continued downward spiral by dusting off Shotgun Dick Cheney to do a media tour saying the most hateful things imaginable, Glen Beck will be promoted as the Second Coming of Rush Limbaugh and The Republican Party will unveil Michael Steele as their official House Nigger.

6. Senator Ted Kennedy will die of brain cancer, which will turn out to be a blessing for him since he won’t have to witness his fellow Senators flush his life’s work down the crapper by turning the Health Care Reform Bill into an endorsement for The Way Things Already Are, reforming nothing while earnestly lining their own pockets with hefty bribes.

7. We’re going out on a limb here and predicting a story for nearly the very end of 2009, when we predict there will be a huge blizzard over the entire Northeast United States a week before Christmas. Which is not the big story here since, what the hell, it will be December and these things happen. The big story will be that television weather reporters will continue to be surprised when it snows in the winter in places where it frequently snows in the winter. This will once again bring high praise for TV stations for hiring the mentally handicapped as weather reporters.

8. In entertainment news, men will find out from their wives and girlfriends that Oprah Winfrey announced that she will quit her television show, which will come as a big surprise to them since they were only vaguely aware of the Oprah Winfrey Show and weren’t certain if it was still on the air or not.

9. The President of The United States will both escalate the war in Afghanistan and win the Nobel Peace Prize. That sounds like a pretty insane prediction, but we guarantee it will come true! What can you expect from a Peace Prize named after the the guy who invented dynamite? If not for their beautiful blonde women, no one would pay any mind to Sweden or their whacky prizes.

10. Rod Blagojevich will be impeached as the Governor of Illinois for trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat, the first of 2 State Governors to get in trouble in 2009. The other guy will be Mark Sanford, who will at least get famous in the time-honored Disgraced Governor Tradition, a good old All-American Sex Scandal. Fittingly, Sanford will keep his job while Blagojevich will be impeached. If only Blagojevich tried to trade the Senate seat for some pussy instead of money, he’d still be running things in Illinois.

11. Bernie Madoff, age 70 and the poster boy for Guys Who Are Already Super Rich But Steal Anyway, will be sentenced to 150 years in prison. In a related story, most of America’s veteran bank robbers and stickup artists will weigh the $150 billion he stole against his advanced age, and agree it was well worth it, figuring old age is no picnic no matter where you spend it, in a penthouse or the Big House, and he got away with it his whole life.

12. A relatively mild strain of the fu will spread, just like every year, but this one will cause worldwide panic and be named after pigs; Swine Flu. Scientists will call it a pandemic and it will kill 10,000 people worldwide in 2009, about as many as will die of starvation every 6 hours and 20 minutes, which will cause no one to lose a minute’s sleep.

13. Nerds all over the world will rejoice when another dumb ass Harrry Potter movie is released.

14. Not to be outdone by movie nerds, political nerds will bring Sarah Palin back out of obscurity after she quits her job as Governor of Alaska because it’s boring. Ms. Palin will then release an “autobiography” written by someone with an actual command of the English language and take up where she left off in 2008, saying incredibly stupid things to audiences of incredibly stupid people. This will somehow pass as news.

15. Bobcrespo.com will be declared The World’s Second Best Website for the second year in a row, by Bob Crespo.

16.Nobody will capture Osama bin Laden but several more of his “#2 men” will be slain by robot predator aircraft, making the job of being # 2 man in al Qaeda the Worst Job Ever according to high school guidance counselors.

17. Making official what has been happening for decades, 2 out of the Big 3 American auto makers will file for Bankruptcy, claiming that they were victims of unfair business practices because foreign auto makers manufactured better cars and sold them for reasonable prices. The United States government lends them billions of dollars anyway.

18. There will be a Global Warming Conference in the freezing cold city of Copenhagen, Denmark, where representatives of every nation on Earth will command the planet not to warm up by more than 3 degrees. Planet Earth will issues a terse ” no comment,” several volcanic eruptions and a couple of giant blizzards.

19. We’re going to go out on a limb again here and provide the exact date and time of this prediction: On January 15th, 2009, at precisely 3:31 P.M., Eastern Standard Time, a jet plane carrying 158 people from New York’s LaGuardia airport will experience double engine failure due to sucking in a bunch of geese, but will not crash. Instead, it will be landed safely by her pilot, Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, in the Hudson River, a stone’s throw from Manhattan, with no loss of life and only several minor injuries. Sully will instantly become the most popular man in America.

20. For the 142nd straight year in Canada, nothing of any interest will occur. What doesn’t happen in Canada, stays in Canada, thank God.

And there you go, a list of predictions that will all come true. Ta-da! Don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner. Maybe we’ll do 1976 soon. Meanwhile, have a Happy New Year and don’t make any ridiculous resolutions you’ll never keep. Here’s a good one: Visit bobcrespo.com every day and check out all the changes that will be added to the site in 2010. It is, after all, The World’s Second Best Website. That’s true, and you can look it up. On bobcrespo.com.

Yes, that’s right, it’s that time of year. Christmas is over, you got a little fatter, abused your liver a little more and you’re broke again. Same shit, different year. So now it’s time to make some New Year’s resolutions on the off-chance that you’re not going to fuck next year up like you did this one, and a whole bunch of other ones too. Just be glad it’s not a leap year with that extra day to screw the pooch. Trouble is, at this point you know yourself, and you figure that making resolutions is just one more way to let yourself down and feel like shit. You know damned well you’re not going to control your cholesterol, or cut down on your drinking or be a regular at some fool gymnasium.

As a matter of fact, you’re long past the point of even purchasing a gym membership to impress yourself or others, and the only six pack you’re looking forward to is not located on your abdomen. Underneath it is more like it. But still, you haven’t totally given up on yourself and you’re not a complete wreck just yet, and it is traditional to make New year’s resolutions. So you aim a little lower than attaining financial independence, the heart rate of a 20 year-old and singlehandedly bringing about world peace. You’re looking for a few things that are at least doable for someone as fun loving and with as little will power as yourself. Try some of these:

Tell more lies: This one’s a snap. Lie about your weight, your age, how much you drink, or smoke, or whatever it is people break your balls about. Why not? It’s not like they give a rat’s ass about you anyway, they just get on your case to be cruel and to feel better about their own miserable selves by acting superior to someone. Let them find another patsy this year.

Swear off Japanese models: It’s not exactly like you’re swimming in exotic Asian babes anyway, so make it a resolution that you’re not going to get romantically involved with some drop-dead gorgeous Japanese girl with a sexy accent and a captivating laugh. Piece of cake.

Give up sacrifice: This one’s perfect for Lent, too. Promise yourself you’re not going to make some self-righteous hollow declaration to prove you are better than others by depriving yourself of any of life’s little pleasures. Why be some showoff martyr?

Avoid pompous assholes: You already do this, so why not make it official and turn it into a virtue?

Promise that if a pompous asshole is on fire, you’ll piss on him: With this resolution, you can at least claim to be a humanitarian. Sort of.

Swear to be a better person: Between the horrible year you just had and your resolution to extinguish flaming assholes, this one should be low-hanging grapes.

Save some money: Okay, you know full well that you’re not going to score with every New Year’s resolution, but throw this one in for the hell of it. Just in case lightning strikes and you come into some money, try not to blow it all.

Lose weight swiftly: This can be attained in several ways besides tedious dieting and exercise. The only drawback is that week-long drug and sex binges with addict prostitutes sort of cancels out the “save some money” resolution, but you will lose weight in a hurry. Just use condoms if you don’t want to lose all your weight.

Be kinder to animals: In other words, don’t starve another dog to death when you’re on one of your week-long drug and sex binges. That’s always a chore explaining the smell to the neighbors.

Get a job: That might help in the old self-esteem department. How long can you rob liquor stores and 7-11s for a living anyway?

Get a new car: You need a new M.O. anyway. Switch from holdups to car theft. Far fewer car thieves than stickup artists get caught, and you can ride in style for a night or two before selling it to a reliable chop shop.

Be mindful of your parole officer: Another pressing reason to get a job. Those people can be pretty unreasonable.

Go to church more: A good place to meet women. Lonely, sexually repressed women with good jobs and apartments who will feel guilty for doing what you’re doing together and try to convince herself she can change you. That should take care of January, after which she’ll repent and toss your hoodlum ass out.

Visit different churches: Word gets out. What about February?

Be more charitable: Stop robbing the poor boxes at all those churches you’ve been visiting and automatically more money will go to charity.

Volunteer your time for a worthy cause: Charities, hospitals and soup kitchens are also great places to meet lonely women who want to save you.

Redecorate: A little plaster to fill the holes you punched in the walls when your church lady girlfriend dumped you is cheap and easy, and so is a can of Lysol to get rid of that dead dog smell. And new bed sheets for the windows wouldn’t hurt either, and are a lot cheaper than curtains.

Relocate: At some point in the New year, this might be the smarter move than redecorating, especially when you take into consideration the disgruntled girlfriends, the testy parole officer, the detectives closing in on you and the landlord bitching about the stink and all the holes in the walls. It’s in your best interests, really, and maybe you might consider not getting another dog anytime soon. You haven’t exactly been doing them any favors lately.

Try these simple and easy to keep New Year’s resolutions and you can feel like a decent human being again! Of course that will wear off swiftly, but that’s just the way it goes with New Year’s resolutions; here today, gone tomorrow. At least you haven’t promised yourself anything too dramatic, so your depression won’t be quite as deep as usual, with fewer holes in your new apartment walls.