Hello folks, it’s ANSWER MAN TIME again! Here’s how it works: you send me you questions, and I answer them. It’s just that simple! Now remember, The Answer Man only replies to questions, so think Jeopardy here. Okay, let’s go.

Dear Answer Man: Who’s dumber, Palin or Beck? – Al Depantzyu

Dear Al Depantzyu: Which Palin; Todd, Sarah or Bristol? And which Beck? Can’t be the rock star, he’s pretty sharp. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Sarah and Glen. – Al Depantzyu

Dear Al Depantzyu: I’m sorry, but you didn’t submit this in question form, so there’s no question for Answer Man to answer. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Are you making fun of my disabled son Trout? – Sarah from Alaska

Dear Sarah from Alaska: Looks like you just did the Answer Man’s job for him, Sarah. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Me smarter than her be! – Glen from Mount Vernon

Dear Glen from Mount Vernon: Is this too difficult a concept for you, Glen? You ask a question, I answer it, period! Maybe tic-tac-toe is more your game than linguistics. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What is the atomic weight of cadmium? – Danny The Dancing Bear

Dear Danny The Dancing Bear: 112.411. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What’s your opinion of Israel? – Mort Goldsteinmanowitzberg

Dear Mort Goldsteinmanowitzberg: Kudos for not shortening your name. Others I’ve known go with Mo instead of Mort.  Anyway, Israel is a small foreign country bordering the Mediterranean Sea in the Middle East, population approximately 7,600,000. It’s bigger than Liechtenstein but smaller than New Jersey. Other than that, The Answer Man doesn’t think much about the place. Why, is there anything interesting going on there? Next!

Dear Answer Man: You can’t be that out of touch! – Mort Goldsteinmanowitzberg

Dear Mort Goldsteinmanowitzberg: Again, there’s no question here, so Answer Man can’t help you. How can Answer Man be expected to provide answers when there is no question? Next!

Dear Answer Man: Geez, Answer Man, what’s with that Mort guy? – Bee Mynhus

Dear Bee Mynhus: Probably some geography nut trying to stump The Answer Man. Not going to happen. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Who’s hotter, Madonna or Lady Gaga? – Justin Beaver

Dear Justin Beaver: Lady Gaga. Next

Dear Answer Man: Are you kidding? – Justin Beaver

Dear Justin Beaver: No. Next!

Dear Answer Man: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound, and if so, what sort of sound? – Puddin’ Head Wilson.

Dear Puddin’ Head Wilson: Of course it makes a sound, the same sound as when you bump your wooden head on reality. Next!

Dear Answer Man: But how can you be sure? – Puddin’ Head Wilson.

Dear Puddin’ Head Wilson: The laws of physics don’t change when Puddin’ Head Wilson’s not around to supervise nature. That’s like saying the things that blind people cannot see do not exist. Next!

Dear Answer Man: That’s telling him, Answer Man! Now, for my question: What is God’s real name? – Manny Tymzover

Dear Manny Tymzover: Slappy Jones. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Is the Mayan calendar correct in predicting that the world will end in 2012? – Tim Eisenmyseid

Dear Tim Eisenmyseid: The world ended a long time ago for the Mayans. If they were any good at predicting the future they’d have known about the Spaniards going all Apacalypto on them, maybe prepared themselves and lived to see 2012. So, the answer is no. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Do you know the secret to life? – Bill Fould

Dear Bill Fould: Yes, yes I do know the secret to life. Next!

Dear Answer Man: You didn’t tell me what it is!

Dear Bill Fould: Sorry, Bill, not in the form of a question. Can’t help you, pal. Well, folks, that it for The Answer Man for now. Until next time!

As a public service, bobcrespo.com from time to time offers interviews with prominent people. You can check our archives for our interviews with Mick Jagger, Willie Randolph, Satan’s son, Bush The Younger, Santa Claus and others, as well as our groundbreaking sit-down with the great Elmer Fudd. Today’s interview is not of a famous person, but more of the man-in-the-street variety, or more accurately, the man-in-the-casket. For the first time ever, bobcrespo.com has received permission to interview a dead person, to see what insights we can get from beyond the grave. Meet Benny The Dead Guy:

Bobcrespo.com: So, Benny, this is it. What can you tell readers of bobcrespo.com about the service you received here at Chillum’s Funeral Home?

Benny The Dead Guy:

Bobcrespo.com: Okay, Benny, we’ll take that as a no comment, and maybe a head’s up to the folks here at Chillum’s. What about your funeral, Benny? Were you pleased with the turnout?

Benny The Dead Guy:

Bobcrespo.com: By the expression on Benny’s face, it appears there were some no-shows. Care to name names, Benny?

Benny The Dead Guy:

Bobcrespo.com: Very cagey, Ben. Your expression says it all, they know who they are. So tell us, are you looking forward to your dirt nap?

Benny The Dead Guy:

Bobcrespo.com: You’re right, Benny, that was just wrong and didn’t deserve an answer. Sorry. I suppose it’s difficult to contemplate eternity, even after you’re dead, eh?

Benny The Dead Guy:

Bobcrespo.com: You’re not helping me out much here with your knowing silence, Benny, it just doesn’t translate well to the written page. And your body language is just a little too subtle, pal. The readers here are expecting some insight into death. Can you help us out here?

Benny The Dead Guy:

Bobcrespo.com: Okay, if that’s how you want to play it, fine! I’ll just throw out some autosuggestions, and you twitch or something if it rings a bell, do nothing if I’m wrong. Here goes: Did you see God?

Benny The Dead Guy:

Bobcrespo.com: Okay, not yet, eh? There must be some sort of screening process before you get to meet the Big Guy. Makes sense… okay then… how about that white light we hear so much about from people with near-death experiences?

Benny The Dead Guy:

Bobcrespo.com: No? I guess that death, like life, is a different experience for everyone. Try this on for size: Pearly Gates!

Benny The Dead Guy:

Bobcrespo.com: Doesn’t ring a bell,eh? So tell us, Benny the Dead Guy. what exactly has been your experience with death?

Benny The Dead Guy:

Bobcrespo.com: What about harp music? Or is more like cellos, flutes and violins?

Benny The Dead Guy:

Bobcrespo.com: Don’t be so coy, Roy, our readers want to know! What’s it like to wake up dead?

Benny The Dead Guy:

Bobcrespo.com: Well, that does it, Benny The Dead Guy! If you don’t want to cooperate, why didn’t you just say so in the first place?

Editors note: Well, that didn’t work out as planned. Funny, Benny was all for it before he died, figuring he’d be the first one to give us all a shout out from the other side, but went all unresponsive and silent on us. Apparently something changed his mind. Wonder what that was? Until the next time, this has been an exclusive interview from bobcrespo.com with Benny The Dead Guy. We’re outta this funeral parlor!

Benny The Dead Guy: What an asshole! I thought he’d never shut up and go away.

Ah, education, what a wonderful thing. ABCs, numbers, science, history, all sorts of good stuff we need to cram into our little noggins in order to prepare for life in the Big Bad World. With any luck, we can stay in school until our mid-twenties, soaking up all sorts of facts and skills to better arm ourselves in the fight for scarce jobs that characterizes life at the dawn of the 3rd millennium.

Well, kids, for those of you embarking on the adventure of your own lives, looking for jobs, significant others and places to live, here’s a few tips for you, vital information even the most thorough education cannot provide. Forewarned is forearmed. Pay attention now, class:

YOU CAN FORGET ALGEBRA: Once you’ve left school, your algebra days are done. The only reason you were forced to learn it was to teach you to think elliptically. Most of life is solving for X, whether dealing with members of the opposite sex, trying to figure out tax forms, or wondering why why a college graduate is saying “You want fries with that?” all day long.

A DEGREE IN ENGLISH IS USELESS: There’s already too many English teachers, and no listing in the Want Ads that says: “Wanted – The Next Great American Novelist.” Before you can tell great stories, you need to live some first. The advice here is to start drinking heavily and getting involved with unbalanced women ASAP.

YOUR FIRST APARTMENT WILL BE A DUMP: Assuming you can afford to move out of your Mom’ basement, forget that spacious contemporary layout with the terrace and park view. Think rickety fifth floor walkup here, spotty plumbing, a hooker and a troubled loner living on either side of you, and a preachy, sourpuss vegan roommate.

KEEP YOUR BRIGHT IDEAS TO YOURSELF: Once you leave school, you’re not in Oz anymore, Dorothy. Your imagination will not be stimulated and no one is going to ask you to write an essay about “alternative solutions” to anything. Odds are your bosses will be more interested in what you can do than what you know, and won’t give a rat’s ass what you think of them. Don’t strain yourself looking around for the Suggestion Box, either.

THE GEEKS HAVE INHERITED THE EARTH: From Bill Gates and Steve Jobs on down to your standard irritating tech wizard, today’s world is a Geek’s Paradise. You can be as cool and hep and good-looking as can be, but the Geeks whose lives you made miserable in school are the ones becoming boy billionaires and dating supermodels while you jiggle the handle for twenty minutes trying to flush the toilet in your smelly 5th floor walkup.

Everybody has had a Swiss Army Knife at one time or another, that handy-dandy combo tool that’s a knife, a saw, a screwdriver and can opener. Hardly a fearsome weapon, but darned useful. Not only that, it’s got your basic personal grooming kit; a scissor, nail file, tooth pick and tweezers. Best of all, though, is the corkscrew. You have to figure there’s a reason why the Swiss have been neutral in every war, and the wine opener that is standard issue to every Swiss soldier is a telling clue.

The Swiss Army also has an official Swiss Army cigarette lighter so Swiss soldiers can light up a smoke while enjoying their wine. True to the Swiss Army credo, the cigarette lighter has another use, doubling as a compass, to let the Swiss soldiers know where they are if they’ve used their corkscrew a little too much. Here is a peek at some other unique Swiss Army equipment:

Swiss Army Combo Rifle and Umbrella: A soldier’s life is often a rugged one, living out in the elements in all weather and terrain. When your army never fights any wars, what’s the harm in mating your weapon to reality? A dry soldier is a happy soldier.

Swiss Army Tank/Jacuzzi Spa: 30 tons of steel and chrome, the Swiss Army Tank is the home-away-from-home for her crew. That’s why the Swiss have included a Jacuzzi hot tub with massage jets in their “battle” tanks. It’s right next to the kitchen and behind the sauna.

Swiss Army Machine Gun/Pasta Maker: Swiss Army officers figure that their boys aren’t going to be mowing down enemy combatants with their machine guns anytime soon, so they have incorporated a do-it-yourself pasta maker for soldiers homesick for Mama’s cooking. Rigatoni, ziti, shells, angel hair, lasagna or linguine, there’s no pasta the Swiss Army Machine Gun cannot make!

Swiss Army Helmet/Fondue Pot: The Swiss love their cheese, and a soldier on bivouac is no different. Slip out the helmet liner and the helmet is a teflon-lined fondue pot, the perfect complement to a mellow bottle of wine. Ideal for preparing  a spicy bouillabaisse or boiling pasta as well.

Swiss Army Rocket Launcher/Leaf blower: Swiss people by their nature are sticklers for neatness and order, and soldiers by their training, especially Swiss soldiers, are absolutely manic about it. With no wars to fight ever, officers of the Swiss Army have to keep their men busy somehow, and all those shoulder-mounted rocket launchers that will never be fired in anger ought to be used for something. Swiss Army bases are the neatest and most beautifully landscaped military facilities in the world.

Swiss Army Jeep/Lawn Mower: See Above.

Swiss Army Fighter Jet/Crop Duster: It was decided early in its developmental stages that the 4F Conciliator would be a different sort of fighter jet, one that does combat with enemies of the nation’s crops, pesky weevils and weeds. With it’s speed and maneuverability, entire Alpine valleys can be dusted in no time, leaving Swiss pilots plenty of time to patrol their airspace for imaginary enemies and still be back in time to enjoy a good bottle of wine.

Swiss Army Skis: Unlike every other piece of Swiss Army gear, there’s no second use for them, nor are they any different from regular skis, but Switzerland is pretty much entirely Alps, so not skiing is a Swiss person’s idea of a vacation. Unfortunately, the only place to be stationed if you are in the Swiss Army is Switzerland, so the Swiss make a big deal about being the best skiing army anywhere. Other armies agree, since no one can recall any conquering armies laying waste to nations on skis, but no one has the heart to tell the Swiss.

It’s Answer Man Time, boys and girls! Shoot me your questions and The Answer Man will answer them. Nothing’s simpler, so let’s get started:

Dear Answer Man: Should America legalize Medical Marijuana? – Beau Dashuss

Dear Beau Dashuss: Yes, of course it should, Marijuana is relatively harmless, but only if all the pot smokers admit they really don’t care about Medical Marijuana all that much and just want their mind-bender of choice to be as legal as whiskey. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Who da man? – Slappy McCoy

Dear Slappy McCoy: You da man, Slappy! Next!

Dear Answer Man: When will our precious animals be given their rights? – Kitty

Dear Kitty: When the precious things start voting and paying taxes and quit crapping all over the place, that’s when. Meanwhile, make mine medium rare. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Would you explain to my little Billy how important it is to eat his vegetables? – Peg O’Mahart

Dear Peg O’Mahart: No. That would be your job, Mom. Besides, for all I know, you’re trying to feed the poor kid Brussels sprouts, which falls under the category of “cruel and unusual punishment.” Next!

Dear Answer Man: Will Sarah Palin be the next president? – Bull Shultz

Dear Bull Schultz: Of what? Next!

Dear Answer Man: Of America, of course! – Bull Shultz

Dear Bull Schultz: Im sorry, but you need to put your inquiry in the form of a question before the Answer Man can help you. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Not so fast, Slick! Will Sarah Palin be the next President of The United States?

Dear Bull Schultz: No. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Why not? - Bull Schultz

Dear Bull Schultz: There’s an unwritten rule that America only gets to have one really stupid president per century, and Bush The Younger already used up the 21st century’s quota. Next!

Dear Answer Man: How come Bull Shultz got 4 chances? – Mike Hunt

Dear Mike Hunt: I like his name. Yours, not so much. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Who is really buried in Grant’s tomb? – Cici Ryder

Dear Cici Ryder: Ulysses S. Grant. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What do you call a butler from India? – Rick Shaw

Dear Rick Shaw: Mahatma Coat. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Who wrote The Autobiography of Winston Churchill? – Alex Allenti

Dear Alex Allenti: He did, of course. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Who did? – Alex Allenti

Dear Alex Allenti: Who did what? Next!

Dear Answer Man: I meant who wrote The Autobiography of Winston Churchill? – Alex Allenti

Dear Alex Allenti: I just told you, he did! You’re starting to get on Answer Man’s nerves here, pal. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What’s with that Alex Allenti dude? – Juan Barleycorn

Dear Juan Barleycorn: Some people are just slow, Juan. Next!

Dear Answer Man: How do you fold a fitted sheet so that it is perfectly flat? – Ophelia Kidney

Dear Ophelia Kidney: You don’t. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Glen Beck is losing his eyesight. How can I help? – Al Dante

Dear Al Dante: See if you can get the infection to spread to his vocal cords. Next!

Dear Answer Man: I meant how can I help Glen Beck? – Al Dante

Dear Al Dante: Make up your mind! Think seeing eye dog here, Al. Next!

Dear Answer Man: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? – Murray Poppins

Dear Murray Poppins: You can’t fool The Answer Man, Murray, this is a trick question! Everybody knows angels can’t dance. But if they could dance, the answer would be one. Pinheads are tiny (check your mirror). Next!

Dear Answer Man: Have you ever read the Bible? If so, how does it turn out? I lost interest halfway through. – Di Tryon

Dear Di Tryon: Yes I have, and it ends with a lurid description of a bad acid trip. Sort of anti-climactic and disappointing. Go figure. Next!

Dear Answer Man: How dare you call the Book of Revelations a description of a bad acid trip? It is the revealed word of God! – Reverend Mel Lowe

Dear Reverend Mel Lowe: I just call ‘em like I see ‘em, Rev. If you know for sure what The Book of Revelations means, let’s hear it. That ought to be a real revelation. Well, that’s it for the Answer Man, boys and girls. We’re done!

Editor’s note: It’s NEW FEATURE TIME once again here at bobcrespo.com HQ in sunny Brooklyn. Today’s new entry is a fairly straightforward posting. You ask questions and THE ANSWER MAN answers them. Hence the name THE ANSWER MAN. Not much else to say:

Greetings from THE ANSWER MAN! Here’s how this works: You ask a question, any question at all, and I answer it. It’s just that simple! Let’s see what brain-busters you readers of bobcrespo.com have come up with for THE ANSWER MAN. I’m told this a very bright demographic so I’ll be sure to be on my toes. Let’s go:

Dear Answer Man: When was the War of 1812? – Fredo from Vegas

Dear Fredo from Vegas: 1812. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What’s the capitol of Washington, D.C.? – Jimmy Crackhorn

Dear Jimmy Crackhorn: Washington, D.C. is the capitol city of the United States, Jimmy, and so does not have a capitol. Next!

Dear Answer Man: My bad! I meant the capitol of Washington State. – Jimmy Crackhorn

Dear Jimmy Crackhorn: I’m sorry, but there was no question in this letter. Can’t help you. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Okay, okay! Is the capitol of Washington State The District of Columbia? – Jimmy Crackhorn

Dear Jimmy Crackhorn: No. Now that’s 3 times in a row for you, pal. Give someone else a chance. Next!

Dear Answer Man: I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck on a 3-letter word for “man’s second-best friend.” Can you help me out here? – Sherry Pye

Dear Sherry Pye: The answer is “cat.” It is spelled C-A-T. Next!

Dear Answer Man: But what if I hate cats? They wouldn’t even be my 1,000th best friend! What would the answer be then, Mr. Big Shot Answer Man? – Sherry Pye

Dear Sherry Pye: The answer is “cat.” It is spelled C-A-T. Next!

Dear Answer Man: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? – Chuck Wood

Dear Chuck Wood: Just enough to make you a new wooden head, Chuck. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What is the most accurate figure for the value of Pi (∏)? – Forrest Sherwood

Dear Forrest Sherwood: That would be, to the 50th place: ∏≈3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716933337510. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Don’t you feel guilty answering all these foolish questions? – Benedict from Rome

Dear Benedict from Rome: Answer Man doesn’t question how the heck you make your living, sir. Back off. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What’s with that guy? – Butch McCoy

Dear Butch McCoy: He’s a jerk. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What’s that little hangy-down thing on my Grandma’s neck that’s just like a turkey has? What do you call that thing? I think it’s funny. – Ginny who’s 6

Dear Ginny who’s 6: That’s called a dewlap, honey, also known as a wattle, and it is not funny. Fear it. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What’s the best way to plug an oil leak at the bottom of the sea? I can make it worth your while. – Tony from the U.K.

Dear Tony from the U.K.: Answer Man has that answer, Tony. Let’s meet privately and talk turkey. Next!

Dear Answer Man: If a tree falls in the forest and there’s nobody there to hear it fall, how much time would it take for a woodchuck to chuck it? Gotcha! - Chuck Wood

Dear Chuck Wood: Forever. The truth is, woodchucks really can’t chuck wood, Chuck Wood. Now, The Answer Man is outta here. Tony from the U.K. is sending a jet. See ya!

Well, it’s Summertime and you know what that means, right? Yeah, sure barbecues, beaches and laying around getting brown, to be certain, but we also get treated to the latest brainstorms from the good people in TV Land, new shows designed to entertain us and sell us many consumer goods. Our reaction to these pilots and previews will decide what’s on the programming schedule this Fall. So, as a public service, bobcrespo.com has gotten hold of some clips and episodes from these TV hopefuls to let you know what we’re in for. Let’s check them out:

Six Blabbermouths Talking at Once: New from CBS, the producers figure they’ll go “The View” one or two better with this lunchtime talk show featuring both men and women discussing anything that pops into their heads. In an interesting (maybe) twist, there will be no moderator and the show’s panelists will spend the whole hour interrupting one another and getting loud, vicious and angry.

Real Lunkheads of Brooklyn: Forget that New Jersey moron with his “The Situation” 6-pack abs. Brooklyn-born producer Joe Blow of TNT has found a whole bunch of people even dopier than him, and with tip of the cap to The  Jerry Springer Show, prone to sudden violence. We get to meet “Sticks” Fallon, Tony “Tech-9″ Tumello, Lamar “Ice Pick” Johnson, Angel “Of Death” Guittierez and Ivan “The Terrible” Rostov, 5 small time hoods leading violent and stupid ethnic gangs as they battle each other over drug corners and control of prostitution, protection and gambling rackets, all while trying to avoid getting whacked by the more competent and established criminal gangs. The idea is to see if any of them or their henchmen survive the entire season.

Law & Order, Parking Violations Bureau (PVB): Now that the flagship series of the L&O franchise has been cancelled, the producers have come up with another sure-fire winner. In Law & Order, PVB, you’ll see PVB officers writing summons after summons on the streets of New York, with the occasional car tow-away for hardened scofflaws. This tense drama stars Andy Dick as the PVB field supervisor, Loretta Swit as the no-nonsense Motor Vehicles Department Judge, The Fat Guy from “KIng of Queens” as a tow truck driver and Megan Fox as the hot babe who always pushes the envelope when it comes to summons-issuing.

The Everything Sucks And I’m Surrounded By Traitors Show: This new political commentary show from Fox News will be hosted by talented newcomer Brandon “Iron” Birch, a commentator that Fox producers assure us is even more smug and ignorant than Bull O’Really, louder and less coherent that Glen Bucks and more filled with hate that Flush Limburger. Fox promises Mr. Birch will continue their “fair and balanced” (wink, wink) approach.

The Old Gay Guy, A Baby, A Ho, A Drunk And A Dwarf: This new situation comedy from ABC figures to out-Will & Grace “Will & Grace,” and also”Two and A Half Men,” “Big World, Little People” and the new show on USA network, “Real Crack Hos of The Bronx.” The deal is that an old chicken hawk gay dude who lets handsome young men (and the hot women that attract them!) hang around his large, beautifully appointed Manhattan apartment in the hopes of any kind of action, has suddenly found himself with full custody of his jailed lover’s baby girl. Starring David Hasselhoff as the old gay dude, he enlists the help of aging prostitute Tiffany Lamp (Sarah Palin), a young alcoholic slacker (Ashton Kutcher) as the object of both the wrinkly old dude’s and the pathetic hooker’s affections, and an irritable dwarf dog trainer named Stretch (Danny DeVito). Fun for the whole family! Tuesdays at 9.

HMO: Medical Battleground! This gripping new medical drama takes place not inside any emergency room, clinic or hospital ward, but at the real front lines of providing medical care in America; inside the offices of Megahealth, Very Ltd., a huge health insurance corporation. Hold on to your seats as dedicated clerks and middle managers fend off deadbeats and charlatans seeking expensive medical treatments for pre-existing conditions and wasteful surgery for doomed children, and question the need for disposing of expensive latex gloves after every examination. Starring Corben Berenson as Vic Taney, Denials Manager, with Robert Vaughn as Billionaire CEO Martin Cheswick and Katey Sagal as their arch-nemesis Sneaky Sally, a box-store employee with a Mickey Mouse health insurance plan who keeps trying to get Megahealth Very Ltd. to foot the bill for dialysis treatments for her sullen, tantrum-prone daughter, played by one of the Olsen Twins, the producers are really not sure which one, but she looks appropriately sickly.

Celebrity Maury Povich Show: Identical to the regular Maury Povich Show, only this time the loose women are accusing famous men of being the father of their child. First episode: “Hold That Tiger!”

Judge Judy – Terror Court: This one is actually produced by the United States Government and taped on location at Guantanamo Prison in Cuba. Defendants are volunteers from the inmate population who are looking to end their incarceration one way or another and agree to abide by Judge Judy’s decisions. The twist is that Judge Judy gets to hand out whatever punishment she feels like. Imagine the terrorists’ surprise when she sentences them to being one of 72 “virgins” in Leavenworth Prison with “Property of The Aryan Nation” tattooed on their foreheads and buttocks.

Bad enough we’d all barely gotten over the mind-numbingly dull Winter Olympics only to receive the news that from now on the Gulf of Mexico is off-limits to fish, fowl and humans, now we are forced to pay attention to something called The World Cup. Soccer blows and Americans never felt obligated to pretend otherwise. Why the hoopla now? Can’t we just ignore the silly thing like we used to?

Are we so traumatized living in these perilous times that we crave a spectacle and will grasp at any distraction that presents itself, no matter how asinine? Thanks to Cable TV, we are now subject to endless promotion of the most boring sport this side of curling, every tedious match televised, every news talking head and sportscaster pretending to give a crap about soccer.

Curiously, none of them mention the fact that the British, our former masters and long-time “ally,” are not only the people responsible for the disastrous Gulf oil spill, but the ones who invented soccer to give the illusion that British people could compete in a sport that doesn’t involve conquering and oppressing Third World nations. Some friends.

Right-thinking Americans live in fear of America ever winning the damned World Cup and making the game popular here, a distinct possibility if anyone ever gets the brainstorm to employ skilled athletes instead of soccer players.

The World Cup is the quadrennial world championship of soccer, called football by the rest of the world since only two guys on the field are nimble enough to be allowed to use their hands while the other 20 guys just lamely flail at the ball with their legs (erroneously called “kicking”) or slam it with their heads and faces without a helmet.

They do this while running aimlessly back and forth a huge field for 90 minutes with only one break while doing their best not to let the ball go into either of the gigantic goals on both ends or they will be forced to endure a maniacal announcer shrieking “gooooooaaaaaalllll!!!” at them in a painfully screechy voice for ten minutes straight.

This so unnerves the team who let the ball escape that they usually don’t make that mistake again and for the rest of the game the ball doesn’t get anywhere near the forbidden goal areas. After all this willy-nilly running around and flailing and face-slamming, the score of a soccer game is usually 1-0 or 1-1, with the occasional 2 or 3-1 score, which sends soccer crowds into a frenzy. Talk about your low expectations. Imagine their delirium if they were watching a sport involving actual athletes where something really happened?

Somehow this nonsense got to be the most popular sport on the planet, not all that impressive when you consider that the most popular organized human activity of all is war. Unfortunately, unlike in war, all the participants in a soccer match survive to flounder about another day, and it looks like they’ll be back to annoy the crap out of us every four years. This is a menace and a disgrace, and the government does nothing about it!

For the umpteenth time the Pentagon has announced that it has killed or captured the #2 man in Al Qaeda. The title, while it might be loaded with prestige for the man who gets to sit at the right hand of Osama bin Laden, has to be one of the most hazardous jobs around. Now that America has killed the latest #2 man, Mustafa Abu al-Yazid, with an unmanned predator drone aircraft, somebody has to move up a notch to fill his job. The meeting of the Al Qaeda Leadership Council to pick a successor to Mr. al-Yazid went something like this:

Osama bin Laden: “I guess you’re wondering why I’ve called you all here…”

Sheik Yerbouti: “No, we’re not wondering, Ozzy. Everybody knows what happened to Mustafa. You’re looking to appoint a new #2 man. Well, count me out!”

Osama bin Laden: “It is duly noted that you don’t want the job, Sheik Yerbouti, and don’t call me Ozzy!”

Mullah Yabba Dabadu: “Sheik Yerbouiti isn’t the only one around here who feels that way, Osama. Allah knows that the #2 job in Al Qaeda is very hazardous to your health”.

Osama bin Laden: “Where is your martyr spirit, my people! Let’s keep the big picture in mind here, the defeat and conversion to Islam of the Great Satan America.”

Sheik Yerbouiti: “And where is yours, Ozzy? No one here remembers you volunteering to blow yourself up for the cause!”

Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: “Yerbouti’s right! You want to fill the #2 job so bad, take it yourself!”

Osama bin Laden: “How can I be an assistant to myself! Besides, the role of martyr does not fall to leaders and planners like ourselves…”

Sultan Peppah: “Tell that to the last couple of dozen #2 men, Ozzy!”

Osama bin Laden: “They were well rewarded with 72 virgins in Paradise, and Alllah is most pleased with them! And stop calling me Ozzy!”

Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: “And since when is our mission to defeat and convert America? We thought it was only to get America to leave us alone!”

Osama bin Laden: “After 8 years in Afghanistan, is has become obvious that the Great Satan is a very tenacious foe and will not leave until they kill or capture me. Therefore, they must be completely defeated and their country must be converted to Islam.”

Sultan Peppah: “Oh, is that all? Defeat the most modern army in the world and take over America? With what? Hijacked airplanes and illiterate goat herders? What part of Guerilla Insurgency don’t you get, Ozzy?”

Osama bin Laden: “The guerilla insurgency will defeat the Americans in Afghanistan and Iraq, and then we move the fight to their home soil for complete victory. And stop calling me Ozzy!”

Ayatollah Howmenee: “Conquer America? You had your cave checked for mold spores lately, Ozzy, ’cause you’re not thinking straight. Last time we did that they invaded Afghanistan, annihilated its army and toppled their government in like, what, 3 weeks? A year or so later they did the same thing to Iraq,  only this time they hung their leader for good measure. Now their flying robots kill us like steel hawks from the  sky! This would be a good time to lay out the grand plan to defeat these people, Ozzy. Where’s your invasion force gonna land? Who gets to govern Vegas once America surrenders?”

Osama bin Laden: “Enough with the Ozzy already! We will conquer the Great Satan from within, with American Muslim men willing to die for Allah.”

Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: “Sure, like that Einstein you sent to Times Square! Get real! I’m thinking now that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to use up all 19 of our top guys on that 9/11 mission. What have we done since then? The Shoe-Bomber nitwit and the Times Square slacker, who left the keys to his damned getaway car in the car bomb?”

Sultan Peppah: “A car bomb which never went off, might I add?”

Osama bin Laden: “Okay, so they all can’t be home runs. What about the trains in Spain?”

Sheik Yerbouti: “Like the Rolling Stones song says: ‘Who wants yesterday’s papers?’”

Osama bin Laden: “Personally, I prefer ‘Exile on Main Street,’ but what is your point?”

Sheik Yerbouti: “I mean that you used up all of our best people in a just couple of big headline bombings, that’s what! The rest of ‘em can’t even read, for Allah’s sake! They couldn’t plan a meal, never mind spectacular attacks on infidels. Most of our people are real good at shooting AK47s up into the air and howling like banshees, and not much else! This is your army, pal, so command it to overthrow The Great Satan already! And while you’re feeling frisky, why stop at the conquest of America? Our toothless illiterates ought to be able to conquer the whole world in a couple of years, right?”

Osama bin Laden: “It will take more than a couple of years, my friend, perhaps even a decade…”

Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: “10 years and the world will be ours? In that case, you are indeed a masterful leader touched by Allah, and no man is worthy to be your assistant. I call upon this counsel to proclaim that from this day forward: ‘No mortal man shall sit at the right hand of Osama The Great.’ He will be his own #2 in Al Qaeda. long may he live! Those in favor say Aye!”

The Assembled Leadership Council: “Aye!”

Osama bin Laden: “Now, wait just a dog-gone minute…”

Imam Hoozya Dadyeh: The ‘Ayes’ have it! Congratulations, Ozzy, from here on in you’re your own Number 2# man! Let the world know that Osama The Great is both the #1 and the #2 man! Meeting adjourned. Watch out for those hawks, Ozzy!

Ah, people! Were just chock full of notions, bless our hearts, one bright idea after the next; inventions, rules, philosophies, codes of behavior, religions, laws, poems, essays, operas, stories, texts, tweets, TV shows and recipes. There’s just no shutting us up, nearly 7 billion bright ideas.

As a public service, senior  analysts and researchers at bobcrespo.com have been working feverishly to sort out these grand ideas being put forth into the arena of public opinion, hopefully separating the wheat from the chaff. The beneficial and successful ideas can be seen pretty much anywhere, while we present some of the less successful ones so that our readers can steer clear of life-wasters. Consider these non-starters:

Real Crack Hos of Kings County: Set in Brooklyn, this reality TV show follows the lives, loves and foibles of 4 wacky crack-addicted women from the area called Brownsvillle. Watch as Rhonda, Wanda, Chica and Blue Lou scour the ghetto streets in search of money for the drug they love and show the world what they will do do get it. Episode 1: Wanda and Blue Lou are released from the Women’s House of Detention and encounter some interesting and imaginative gypsy cab drivers as they whore their way back to Brownsville with no money, trading “favors” for cab rides. Rated PG.

The Time Channel: Cable TV’s answer to the phenomenally successful Weather Channel, the Time Channel presents public access to the exact time anywhere on Earth! Wondering if you’ve got the right time? Wonder no more and tune in to the Time Channel!

iGlasses: Not one of Steve Jobs’ and Apple’s most popular products,  iGlasses were introduced as a complement to the iPod, for music lovers who also enjoy the music videos that often accompany their favorite pop songs, as well as movies and TV shows. iGlasses are just what they sound like, a pair of eyeglasses that plays high definition video before your eyes, anywhere, any time, one after another after another. The problem here was obvious, of course, and Apple wound up settling some nasty lawsuits out of court and quietly withdrawing the entire iGlasses product line.

The Prairie Home Jihadist: This was a very short-running radio show designed to cash in on a new demographic: American born alienated young Muslim men. Sponsored by a mosque in Queens, the broadcast was a combination variety show and talk radio, featuring inspirational condemnations of The Great Satan, a repertory company called The Gen-X Jihadis, something called “Bin Laden’s Greatest Hits,” and a comedian telling infidel jokes in Farsi (Translation: “Q: How many infidels does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What’s a light bulb?“). It also sponsored many vacations abroad for Islamic bachelors, mostly to “Koran Kamps” in Pakistan to reconnect American Muslims with their roots.

Methane fueled cars: Everyone knows what methane gas smells like. Thanks, but… Back to the drawing board, Einsteins.

The Remote Remote: How many times has this happened to you? You’re on the couch, the snacks and dip are laid out, drinks are on ice at your elbow, you’re snugly wrapped in your slanklet and settled in for a night of Reality TV, but you can’t find the remote! You don’t want to get up, but what are your options? With The Remote Remote, problem solved! A pendant-sized keypad that hangs around your neck, this labor saving remote control controls your remote control when it is out of reach. Or in someone else’s hand! Watch their faces when they tune in to their favorite shows and discover that your show pops up every time! Act now and get a free TV Buddy Bed Pan, and you’ll never have to get off the couch again!

The Tea Party: With many Americans fed up with both the Republican and Democratic parties, the time is ripe to form a new one. Unfortunately, the new Tea Party is not a real political party, but a subsidiary of the GOP, and so far offers nothing but rage. Sort of like a lot of those scruffy 1960’s activists; good for a protest rally, or a sit-in with some good TV face time ranting about “The System,” but a little light on The Plan, Stan. Any solutions? Acceptable alternatives maybe? We’re all ears. So far, it’s all “don’t pay any damned taxes and carry your sidearm openly in the supermarket,” like some 8 year-old boy’s cowboy dream. Oh yes, there’s also “Providing health care is Stalinism and Obama is the Manchurian Candidate.” What, the two Forever Wars are okay with today’s takin’-it-to-street tough guy rebels? Bunch of wimps. No tear gas, no street cred. At least those 60’s guys helped to stop their Forever War. Did it stoned on pot and LSD, too. The Republic endured.