Sammy Science here, after a long absence from these pages. No, I haven’t been ill or on any sort of sabbatical, just tired of the lack of scientific acumen of the readers of bobcrespo.com. This is supposed to be a Science Q&A, not a forum for science-bashing, religious preaching or wacky theories. Let’s see what science topics we can discuss today, shall we?

Dear Sammy Science: What’s the story with those Chinese cows that produce human breast milk? Can I get one? -Nadya from California

Dear Nadya from California: So far all we know is that a claim hads been made that through genetic manipulation, cows can produce milk with the same nutrients present in human breast milk. Until scientific papers are published and proof presented, all we have so far is the claim of success. There have been many exciting development in genetic research on animals involving the regeneration of body parts and organs. As far as you being able to get your own cow, doubtful. Chinese food products haven’t had the most stellar record when it comes to not poisoning consumers, and the USDA tends to frown on that sort of thing.

Dear Sammy Science: Is there a scientific definition of love? It is, after all, a very real phenomenon.- Jack Enjill

Dear Jack Enjill: Interesting question. While science has traditionally shied away from the exploration of love, in recent years studies of human emotions have been undertaken, mostly involving the chemical processing of information by the substances and synapses in our brains, using neuro-imaging and other scientific tools. One school of thought is that love is a survival mechanism no different from aggression or territoriality, with nurturing and sexual attraction having developed in the higher species to ensure the survival of generations. Complex animals produce a limited number of offspring as opposed to, say, fish or insects, which produce millions of eggs and offspring who are pretty much on their own from birth, so emotional attachments evolved as a necessary survival tool. No one who has felt love’s overwhelmingly compelling power can argue that love is voluntary. None of this, however, explains why some people love, art, vintage cars, stamp collecting or baseball, which have nothing at all to so with the survival of individuals or species. So far scientists are no closer than poets and philosophers to defining love, and to my mind that’s a good thing. Who would want a dry scientific explanation of something as cool as love?

Dear Sammy Science: How can you subscribe to the Theory of Evolution? The Bible plainly tells us that God created everything in Seven Days, 6,000 years ago just as it is today. Show me proof! I’ll come down to your laboratory with an open mind if you’ve got the goods. Consider your self challenged, science man! – Reverend Jimmy Crackcorn

Dear Reverend Jimmy Crackcorn: Oh geez…. and this was going so well today…. well, Reverend, all the proof you need for evolution is in your mirror. What you see is a dead end, with a mind no more open than a clam in defensive posture. I’m sure there’s nothing I can show you that will convince you of the truth, but you know what? That doesn’t matter, since there are enough people who do embrace the sciences for progress and understanding to continue flourishing without you.

Dear Sammy Science: Not so fast, heathen! All the growing we need to do is the grow our understanding of God’s word. – Reverend Jimmy Crackcorn

Dear Reverend Jimmy Crackcorn: Yeah, anything you say, Rev… Hey quick, look over there! There’s an abortionist and a transvestite union leader on your front lawn! They’ve come for your daughters! (That ought to keep the Reverend busy while we get back to science.)

Dear Sammy Science: What are you science guys gonna get around to inventing transporters and warp drive like they have in Star Trek? Or how about curing cancer? – Jimmy The Geek

Dear Jimmy The Geek: Well, Jimmy, we already have computers and communications devices every bit as sophisticated as Captain Kirk’s, plus a worldwide information network, so it’s not like science is standing still here. As far as beaming people aboard and breaking the speed limit of the light barrier imposed by the laws of physics, don’t hold you breath. We can’t cure a cold, but  medical science is curing more and more cancer patients every year. Scientific progress is measured in decades, not months.

Dear Sammy Science: How about at least providing a computer to each child like some charity planned? – Jimmy The Geek

Dear Jimmy The Geek: Don’t forget, Jimmy, that half the population of the world still lives exactly as they did 150 years ago, and a quarter of the planet’s inhabitants have never spoken on a telephone, so let’s not pretend we’re living in a completely modern world. Hard as it is to imagine for an American kid, not every child has access to electricity, TV or communications devices of any sort. Many cannot read or operate even the simpler electronic devices, and their plight is more social, educational and political problems than a purely scientific one, since they as smart as anyone else, just left out of the technology loop. Unfortunately for the world, they all seem to get the hang of an AK-47 pretty quick.

Dear Sammy Science: I have felt a great rift in The Force recently, a painful fissure. Can you explain that? – Eddie Fissure

Dear Eddie Fissure: Either you have me confused with a Trekkie, or a  proctologist to examine that painful fissure you sit on. Can we keep the questions scientific here, people?

Dear Sammy Science: Is it true that with the recent nuclear disaster in northern Japan and the subsequent radioactive waste being pumped into the Pacific ocean, that sea life rapidly mutating into monstrous forms? – Kay Lastima

Dear Kay Lastima: If you mean transformed into dead marine life, yes. If you’re referring to highly dangerous levels of radiation in the surviving species that make up a big part of humanity’s food supply, yes. If your talking Godzilla here, well, there’s not a whole lot we have to discuss, is there?

Dear Sammy Science: I know I science question, I know I science question! Pick me pick me pick meeee! – Kenny Bunkport

Dear Kenny Bunkport: I know I may regret this, but go ahead, Kenny. What is your science question?

Dear Sammy Science: Okay then, Sammy Science! In Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity, what is the equation for calculating the degree to which gravity bends light? – Kenny Bunkportz

Dear Kenny Bunkport: Thank you, Kenny! Sorry I doubted you. Here is is: g = 1 / Ö [1 - (v/c)²]. Okay, now we’re getting back to my living room. Who’s next?

Dear Sammy Science: In a fight, who would win – Superman or Satan? – Van Erielle

Dear Van Erielle: Why do I do this to myself? I know I should have quit with Kenny Bunkport! This is just sick on too many levels. Okay, Van, I’m going with Superman on this one, if only for his having fewer serious issues than Satan. Well folks, on this low note, Sammy Science is out of here!

It’s me, Jimmy, The Blogging Dog, back from my travels. That’s right, humans, Jimmy, The Bogging Dog has been across the ocean and back, all in the name of science, or at least that’s what they tell me. For me it was all about the bitches.

They love to breed me, those scientists, and I insist on the real thing. None of this artificial insemination for Jimmy, The Blogging Dog. Being the one and only Canine Einstein available for these people to study has its perks. Wherever I go I’m asked to mate with the finest bitches in the world. Think of me as the the Wilt Chamberlain of Dogdom, but with about 20,000 children.

Ever since people discovered that I can read and write English, they’ve been calling me “The Canine Einstein.” While I am a genius by dog standards,  don’t get carried away and expect me to start solving all kinds of stupid-hard problems.

By human standards, I’m only a little smarter than your average Cable TV host, so let’s keep things in perspective here. You wouldn’t ask those people to solve anything complex.

Anyway, these Finnish scientists were okay, yet another bunch of geneticists trying to duplicate another dog genius, like that will do them or the world any good. Like I said, I’m not exactly Steven Hawkings over here. Besides, I would have been fine just being a regular dog. The things I’ve learned by being the Canine Einstein haven’t helped me one bit.

I’m still the property of human, I can’t work a doorknob, don’t have freedom of movement when I do manage to get outside, and most of my brethren have been sexually mutilated by our human masters. Dogs are a captive race, and we can only take comfort in the fact that most of you don’t raise us for food like you do a lot of other animals.

I wish I could tell you what Helsinki was like. My owner sure knows. He was staying in a 5 star hotel, seeing all the sights and living it up every night with the money he earns from owning Jimmy, The Blogging Dog. I stayed at the house of one of the scientists, the one I called Old Fat One, and got to run around his yard a little bit, so Helsinki seemed pretty much like any other place to me.

The rest of the time I spent typing back and forth on computer with my special paw-friendly keyboard with the scientists. I don’t actually speak English, being a dog and all. We bark, period. But the scientists and I do talk about all sorts of things electronically.

They ask me a question, I type my answer. They do some tests on me, I type up my reactions. I’m pretty used to it by now, and I put up with it because our sessions always end with me having sex.

From FInland we went to Paris, Berlin, London, Rome and Prague, all legendary world capitals. I would tell you about those beautiful and enjoyable cities, but my description would sound just like my description of Helsinki for all I got to see of those places too.

You’d have to talk to my owner about that, and what the women in al these places were like too. Jimmy, The Blogging Dog wasn’t the only one getting a lot of vajay-J on my Grand European Tour.

The scientists in all these places were pretty nice people, and all of them asked if I wanted a copy of their findings or some “paper” they were publishing about me, whatever that is. Dogs are polite, but we never got the whole concept of lying, so I had to tell them thanks, but no thanks.

What the hell am I going to do with some dry, scientific mumbo jumbo that doesn’t mean scat to me? I hate that stuff! You think dogs nap a lot now? Watch me nod when I have to read some tedious technical manual! One of these days, one of these people is going to realize that it really is all about the bitches for me, but hopefully not anytime soon.

Well, whatever happens will happen, and there’s not a hell of a lot I can do about it. I’m just happy to still have my family jewels and so many sweet bitches to share them with. Until next time, this is Jimmy, The Blogging Dog.

Sammy Science back in the house, ready to talk science. I don’t know why I keep writing for this website, since so few of the people who write in believe in science. Either that, or they’re completely off the wall. Not that it matters much to scientists or to science itself who believes in it. What is, is, period amen. Facts don’t cooperate with delusions. That said, let’s see what’s in the inbox this week:

Dear Sammy Science: When’s that Singularity coming, Science Boy? You know, where we all get our brains hooked up to the internet, grow our own artificial replacement parts and live forever. I’m getting a little impatient here. – Levon Thyme

Dear Levon Thyme: I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you, sir. Those developments are only theories, the wishful thinking part of science. Theories don’t become hard science until they are proven. So far stem cell research isn’t close to providing you with viable replacement organs, never mind eternal life. The chips to be implanted in your body to allow you to interface with the internet are also pipe dreams, with the research, experimentation and creation of such chips in their infancies. If and when these things are ever proven to be viable, the technology will be prohibitively expensive.

Are you very wealthy? If not, you’ll be included out of that whole immortal  loop, and you’ll be looking up stuff on the internet like you do now, which is incredibly advanced compared to humanity of only two decades ago. You have the largest library ever assembled at the tops of your fingers! You want more? You want it fed to you like some intravenous data drip with no intellectual effort at all on your part? That would just be a waste of good data.

As far as living forever, what about injury, accidents, disease, murder and natural disasters? Death by starvation already claims 36 thousand people every single day on this planet. With nobody dying of old age, people will still be humping like bunnies, but only for a lot longer, and producing children well into what we consider “old” age. Can you imagine Food Wars, Energy Wars and Living Space Wars with a population of 20 or 30 billion people, with every square inch of space being occupied or farmed, and every natural resource taxed to their limits? Sounds like hell on earth.

The better deal for all of us is to take care of our health, learn all we possibly can and enjoy the years we’ve been given. The Singularity sounds good until you start examining the nuts and bolts of the whole thing. It’s impossible today and impractical tomorrow.

Dear Sammy Science: Since when do you science guys have all the answers? Some of us are getting a little sick and tired of your smug, know-it-all attitude! – Gene Poole

Dear Gene Poole: Science has all the answers? Hardly, sir, or what would be the point of pursuing science? Heck, we don’t even have all the questions! The pursuit of science is the admission that there are things you do not know but want to find out. Science is the act of truth seeking through careful observation, extensive study, sustained effort, experimentation and proof. The reason why Einstein was a genius is not because he formulated his incredibly complex Theory of Relativity, but because experimentation and observation proved it to be completely accurate. You can guess all you like about the nature of things, but until you are proven right, yours is just another theory, or an article of faith, never to be confused with facts.

Dear Sammy Science: So, you think science has it all over religion, eh? Can you prove that? – Reverend Winsome Loosum

Dear Reverend Winsome Loosum: I never said that. What I said was that they were two completely different pursuits, and not necessarily hostile towards one another. My specialty is astrophysics, and as an astrophysicist I spend a lot of time observing the known universe. The more astounding natural wonders I observe, the more I notice how very similar are the building blocks and the order of all life and creation in the universe, from the atomic level to molecular structure right up to solar systems and galaxies; a nucleus surrounded by orbiting bodies, with just the right amount of gravitational “pull” and “magnetic” push to keep these structures stable, whole and functioning.

To these scientifically trained eyes emerges an incredibly advanced intelligence at work; for lack of a scientific explanation, God. Of course I can’t prove this any more than you can prove the tenets of your faith, Reverend, but the feeling is a powerful one and the existence of God would explain the intricate and unchanging natural laws. Don’t think of science as your religion’s enemy, but an ally. We just go about our truth-seeking another way.

Sammy Science back in the house. A lot of people have been asking us scientists what to do about the massive oil leak fouling the Gulf of Mexico, a huge ecological disaster. Unfortunately, scientists are not really experts on this sort of thing, it’s more of a technology problem, or rather, a massive failure of technology. What’s the difference between science and technology, you wonder?

Well, science is what led humans to discover all the endless uses of petroleum, from gasoline to tar to plastics, while technology is the means to apply these scientific discoveries, more engineering than pure science. Scientists can describe the laws of physics and aeronautics, but building an aircraft is the technician’s achievement.

While a scientist may have discovered that uranium atoms can be split to unleash incredible amounts of energy, they have no control over how that information is applied. Science tells us what is possible, technology makes these possibilities a reality. The line between the two can be very fine, but generally the pure scientist, since he is trying to know the unknown, does not concern himself with practical application, but hard facts and truth.

Once his or her theory or discovery is found to be true, it becomes technology. For the most part scientists build no bridges or aircraft, do no actual farming or create any medicines, but their ideas and laboratory work are the basis for the technicians who have revolutionized these disparate fields.

Not all inventors have been scientists, or at least not formally trained as such, so the line gets even more blurry. And most scientists in reality “discover” nothing, they merely interpret what they see, they “uncover” things. Isaac Newton certainly didn’t discover gravity, only explained its laws. No one invented the atom or DNA, only ways to peek inside them.

Then there are the great synthesists, first-rate minds who incorporate the work of many scientists and inventors, further blurring the lines. For example, Henry Ford did not invent internal combustion engines, automobiles, rubber tires or mass production, but nevertheless changed the world by incorporating all these ideas in a practical application of disparate technologies on a grand scale.

The modern counterparts to Ford Motors would be Bill Gates of Microsoft and  Steve Jobs of Apple, leaders in another world-changing wave of technology that flowed from various scientific discoveries. Both men were trained as engineers, not scientists. What both disciplines have in common, as always, is that they are merely working with the materials at hand, those substances provided by nature.

Unlike artists, we cannot make stuff up to improve the narrative or enhance the drama. Songs and movies don’t have to make sense to be great. Science must be exact. No dream sequences allowed. Let’s check the in-box:

Dear Sammy Science: What’s up with this Gulf oil leak? Who’s fault is it? – Kerwood Derby

Dear Kerwood Derby: It is British Petroleum’s fault, of course, but they wouldn’t be out there in the middle of the sea performing the very dangerous task of sucking oil from a mile underwater if we did not pay them a fortune to so so. What kind of car do you drive? How well is your house insulated? In a sense, it’s all of our faults. While the Gulf Spill looks like a classic case of failed technology and criminal negligence, this might be a good time to look at the ridiculous lengths we go to to obtain petroleum. This disaster proves we are willing to risk destroying large segments of our own habitat to obtain oil. The Gulf Stream Current circles the world and is a major factor in regulating global climate, as if our climate needed another challenge. Never mind the mammoth loss of marine life, the homes, farms and businesses destroyed or how scientifically unsound that is, it’s just plain nuts! It is time for an all-out effort to find petroleum’s replacement. It’s either fund that effort, or fund a dozen more Gulf spills and kill another piece of our planet.

Dear Sammy Science: You claim to be a scientist, all detached and neutral,  interested in only the facts. Okay, so where do you stand on the superiority of the Caucasian Race to all the other human races? I’ve included several scholarly dissertations to back up my claim. – Angelo Saxon

Dear Angelo Saxon: Angelo, those “scientific papers” got to me just in time and were a real life saver! I had just run out of toiled paper. Here’s my unbiased scientific opinion on all this: You’re an asshole.

Dear Sammy Science: I know you are are an astrophysicist and so you must be interested in space travel. What do you think of all the private companies obtaining their own space craft? Should the government allow this? – Marcia from Boca

Dear Marcia from Boca: Why should the government have anything to say about it as long as they obey the law and pay their taxes? Spacecraft are the first major advance in transportation that was not created by and for private companies and individuals. Ships, trains, cars and airplanes were civilian commercial products before they were military craft. Government-owned spacecraft were designed and built by private corporations, and advances in technology have made private ownership of space craft a real possibility. Much like the internet, private space craft is an industry and a technology in its infancy, going in directions no one can predict, certain to benefit from scientific principles yet to be uncovered. Why stifle such an exciting thing?

It’s me, Jimmy, The Blogging Dog. The people here at bobcrespo.com keep bugging me for more blogs, but lately I’ve been too busy doing dog stuff to write to you. I even told the scientists that are all over me like flies on scat to give me a break for a couple of weeks. It’s what you humans call a vacation. I just needed a break from the routine, that’s all, charging up the old batteries, as you folk say.

Maybe you’re wondering just what the heck a dog would take a vacation from, but let me remind you that I’m a working dog. Ever since my owner discovered that I could read and write the human language called English when I was a puppy, I have been called The Canine Einstein, a genius of the first order, they say, at last as far as dogs go. That only makes me about as smart as your average Cable TV host, no great shakes, really. To other dogs I’m Steven Hawkings. To humans I’m the snarky wiseass from The Soup.

But what my gift has brought into my life is an endless line of scientists studying me in every way imaginable. Since dog throats and vocal cords can’t do human languages and there’s no hope of teaching you my language, we communicate on computer, and I’m the fastest two-pawed typist you’ve ever seen. They built a special computer keyboard for me as I grew to be a pretty sizable mutt.

I don’t get many days off from getting tested and measured and probed with sensors of every sort. Then there’s all the reports I have to write, like this one, to people interested in a canine view of humanity. It’s not like I’m the canine Proust or Hemingway or anyone with some great insight into humanity, but I suppose it is pretty unique hearing about yourself from another species’ point of view.

Just don’t don’t get all weepy if Jimmy, The Blogging Dog, doesn’t worship at the altar of mankind and think you’re the greatest thing since Alpo. To dogs, you’re just another mammal. The dominant species on earth right now, sure, the boss of all bosses in Mother Nature, but to rest of the world you’re carnivorous mammals that form packs and stake out territories, a lot like dogs in their natural state.

Of course we dogs are more than 10,000 years removed from our natural state. Back in the day we were rivals to humans for the choicest hunting grounds. Before too long it became very apparent that humans shot first and asked question later, so some smart dogs formed a partnership with people. Dogs are very junior partners these days, owned, tagged and carefully bred, unable to even mark their territory with scat before some human scoops it into a plastic bag. That’s annoying, by the way. But at least dogs survived.

Judging from the scarcity of saber-toothed tigers, short-face bears, woolly mammoths, giant caribou, dire wolves and Neanderthal people, my early canine ancestors made the right call. For these 10,000 years, humans have never known what a dog thinks of all these developments. Until now, that is. And the result for me has been a lot of hard work. I don’t mind, though, since it is my hope that I can get at least some people to treat dogs better.

Make no mistake, by treating dogs better I mean letting them go. Literally. After 10,000 years we are still by nature carnivorous pack-hunting mammals,and nothing can change that. Most of the human-run animal rights groups think they’re doing great things for us by cutting our nuts off. Thanks but no thanks. I’m grateful that didn’t happen to me, especially since part of my job is to mate with the best looking bitches on the planet. It’s a good perk. Very good.

They tried to go the artificial insemination route with me, but I’m plenty smart enough to insist on the real thing. Call me Old Obedience School if you like, but being The Canine Einstein allows me to pull rank every so often. They might be smarter than me, but there’s only one Jimmy, The Blogging Dog, while there’s an abundance of earnest young scientists. Which is why I insisted in a two-week vacation.

No, I didn’t go to Bermuda or the Rocky Mountains and engage in extreme sports. I am a dog, after all. I just hung around the house and ran around the yard, sniffing, barking, leaving my scent all over the place and letting everyone know that this yard is under the watchful eye of Jimmy, The Blogging Dog. Other dogs came by and we sniffed each others’ butts, licked one another and caught up on what’s been going on lately.

Yes, dogs do talk, but our language includes sights, sounds, gestures and smells, most of which human senses cannot detect. Not that we’re talking about anything world-shaking, just who had puppies and when they were taken away from them, whose owner beats then and is cruel to them, and which bitches in the neighborhood were coming onto heat. Dog stuff.

We rarely discuss anything human beings do amongst themselves since we understand so very little about people. Plus, you do so many crazy things that it takes a real doozy of a hare-brained stunt to be noticed by dogs. The vast majority of human activity is inexplicable to us, and really not all that fascinating to dogs as you’d like to think it is, to be honest. I can’t be anything but honest, you see, since dogs have never grasped that whole lying thing. Our keen senses tell us in a split second who is or isn’t lying, so there’s no point, really.

So, I took a short vacation from a world where it is all about you, all the time. I hung out with other dogs and we did dog stuff, talked about dog things and swapped stories and oral history. See, that’s another things that dogs have, an inborn species memory that connects us with a thousand ancestors, since even before we became a captive race of beings. My dog friends and I hung out for days, forming our own mini-pack in the yard, howling at the moon and beings as much dog as we could possibly be. I feel a whole lot better now. Until next time, humans, this is Jimmy, The Blogging Dog.

Sammy Science back in the house, readers, ready to talk science. At least, that’s the whole idea of this web forum. I’m the scientist, you’re the readers, you write e-mails about science and I answer them as best I can. What I don’t know I find out from experts. It’s not a new idea and it’s not rocket science (That would be my department). This isn’t meant to be a debate over the merits of science. Why read a damned science Q&A blog if you don’t believe in science? By the way, the science you don’t believe in has provided your computer and the Internet, which lets you tell the whole world that you don’t believe in science. Maybe logic’s not your forte either. If this sounds like you, here’s a time saving tip: Don’t try to convince science people that science is wrong and you’re right. Huge waste of time. You see, science can be proven. Can you? Let’s see what’s in the inbox.

Dear Sammy Science: What’s the deal with that Large Hadron Collider? Who put up the dough to build the thing and why? – Benny Blanco from the Bronx

Dear Benny Blanco from the Bronx: The “deal” with the Large Hadron Collider is to search for the basic laws of science governing all matter. This elusive “Grand Unification Theory” is the holy grail of Physics. By colliding electrons at super high speeds, it will try to replicate conditions immediately following the Big Bang that was the birth of the universe as we know it. It will also seek to confirm theories on the existence of Dark Matter, attempt to reconcile anomalies at the intersection of Quantum Mechanics and the Theory of Relativity, investigate the formation of black holes and address many other complex questions. It was built for pure scientific research by the European Organization For Nuclear Research and funded by hundreds of universities and thousands of scientists and engineers from over 100 nations. It is a valuable tool for observing matter in it’s most basic, subatomic form. All in all, a pretty impressive global collaboration working to increase our collective human knowledge in many fields, and learning new stuff is always a good thing.

Dear Sammy Science: What good is science when the Mayans already told us the world will end in 2012? – Bob N. Weaver

Dear Bob N. Weaver: You’re an idiot and the world ended for the Mayans a long time ago.

Dear Sammy Science: If our bodies replace every cell every 7 years, why do our bodies age?  -  Cheri Pye

Dear Cheri Pye: Good question. It’s in our genetic code to grow old and die. Our DNA provides the blueprint for who we are, who we will become, what debilitating conditions and diseases we will develop and when we will die, subject, of course, to a million variables. There are accidents, plagues, natural disasters, pollution, exposure to toxins, famine and homicides, for example, that cause many early deaths. We can adversely affect our own life spans by smoking, drinking to excess, eating poorly, and not exercising, or positively affect how long we live by eating right, drinking moderately and regularly exercising, but for the most part some people live to be 99 and some only get 60 or 70 years because of their DNA. The nature of life is birth, growth and eventual death, and humans are no different in this respect than any other life form. Whether or not our recent breakthrough in reading DNA codes can lead us to be able to alter our natural cycle remains to be seen. Since we can’t even cure the common cold, that seems doubtful, so if you are preparing for eternal life, expect to be sorely disappointed.

Dear Sammy Science: When we eat, we do not consume human DNA, but plant or animal DNA. How does that become human DNA? – Duke Sullivan

Dear Duke Sullivan: Our bodies break the down organic matter we eat to the molecular level, and the DNA of our meals gets broken down into simple protein which is then converted to human tissue cells with our DNA code embedded therein. Much DNA does, however, survive the digestive process, seeds and other hard tissue for example, and is excreted as waste by our bodies. Even if we were cannibals and did consume human DNA, it would still be broken down by our bodies like any other meal. The old saying, “You are what you eat,” which never made much sense in the first place, should really be “you are what your DNA says you are.”

Dear Sammy Science: Does science disprove the existence of God? My friend says it only confirms it. What’s the truth? – Jack Ofalotte

Dear Jack Ofalotte: Science neither proves nor disproves the existence of God. What science and religion have in common is a search for truth, some solid explanations for the wondrous things we see and experience. Where they part ways, however, is the methods employed to discover these truths. Religion seems content to take things on faith, while science is constantly looking for proof positive. I for one am definitely not one of those scientists who feel that the discovery of scientific explanations precludes the existence of God. My specialty is the heavens, after all, and the unbelievable beauty and complexity of the universe sometimes strikes me as the handiwork of a mind far greater than we can imagine, a God if you will. When engaged in some exciting scientific observations, I feel an elevation of my spirit (a very unscientific term, to be sure) that no amount of scientific jargon about adrenaline levels or other body chemistry can fully explain.

When one looks into the structure of molecules and atoms, you can’t help but notice that these invisible building blocks of matter mirror the architecture of star systems, planets, and galaxies. There is a nucleus and orbiting bodies held in just the right balance of gravitational attraction and  magnetic repulsion so that each piece remains in it’s proper place, so there seems to be an underlying and unifying simplicity to nature that works both on the atomic and the stellar level. Contrary to what many think, scientists are very often awed and humbled by what we learn, and amazed at how much we do not know. For at least this one scientist, there is a God, and his work and his mind are even more wondrous and breathtaking than even the most religious mind can imagine.

Then there’s the ability of humans to create art, something no scientist can explain, even if we can identify what side of our brains create that art. The human mind cannot explain a great many things, and in their seeking for answers to the Big Questions, Science and Religion are not incompatible. As well as directing mankind’s minds towards something greater than ourselves in order to gain knowledge and understanding, they both have a lot of grief to answer for when both have been misapplied. For all the concrete benefits Science and Religion have given mankind, the death and destruction that have been the direct result of both quests powerfully illustrate how very far we have to go before our questions are answered. No doubt the answers will astound us.

It’s me, Jimmy, The Blogging Dog. In the interest of human science, I have been watching TV. Believe me, this wasn’t my idea, but one of the scientists who’s job it is to study me. They call me the Canine Einstein because I can understand the human language called English. No other dog (at least that anyone knows about) has been able to do this. It started when I was a puppy and tapped out a message to my owner on his computer. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was living in a laboratory communicating up a storm with human scientists, and they even designed a special paw-friendly computer keyboard for me as I outgrew the regular ones.

You see, I’m a rather large mutt, and computer keyboards are built for fingers, of which dogs are in short supply. That’s the only way I can express myself to humans. I cannot verbally reply with anything but barking, a language no human has ever understood. As a matter of fact, until I came along, humans understood very little about dogs, which is odd considering the extensive history of interaction and cohabitation between our two species. What began many thousands of years ago as a hunting partnership has evolved into a companionship thing.

Truth is, dogs entered into this relationship only to avoid extermination at human hands like the fate suffered by dire wolves, saber toothed cats and giant long faced bears, to name but a few of the alpha predators that humans decided had to go. Our superior senses of smell, sight and hearing, as well as our claws and fangs, enabled humans to completely eliminate potential rivals. Ask the Neanderthals, if you can find any. Oh, that’s right, you can’t. Humans killed them all. Given this human trait, we dogs usually do as we’re asked, and when the scientists asked me to watch TV for a couple of weeks, well, I complied.

I was relieved to find out that all the TV watching didn’t mean they were tired of hooking me up with prime bitches, and these last couple of weeks I’ve been living what many might consider a dream life for a dog or a human; mating, eating and watching TV. What they were trying to find out I don’t know, but they hooked me up with a paw-friendly TV remote and asked me to watch television, and then record my impressions. I’m not really a huge fan of television, but science is science so I went along with them.

I may be a dog genius, but that’s only compared to other dogs. The fact is that I’m only about as smart as a fairly dopey human being. Think Larry King or your average Vice President here, so I figured maybe a lot of TV shows would be way over my head. Turns out that wasn’t the case at all. Most TV shows seem to be made by human morons for the benefit of other human morons. I still can’t figure out the story with reality shows. I never saw any humans behave that way in real life.

The crime shows make me laugh because no one ever knows who did it. Hell, a dog would solve that crime in a flash. We’d smell who done it and that would be that. DNA, Shmee-N-A, a dogs nose doesn’t lie. Neither do dogs, by the way, since dogs can tell in a second who’s lying. Humans don’t have those senses, so they get to lie to each other. Here’s a memo: you’re not fooling your dog. With the so-called news shows on Cable TV, it’s obvious to a dog that these people are either lying or don’t know what they’re talking about, sometimes both at once.

And that’s without even smelling them, which is another dead give away to dogs. See, that’s the thing about TV, to a dog it’s like radio, or silent movies, since our sense of smell is every bit as essential a sense as our eyes and ears. It’s like seeing an opera blindfolded. You can hear it alright, but there’s so much going on onstage that adds immeasurably to the experience. Without scent, TV is a bit hard to follow.

There were some shows I liked, like The Jerry Springer Show and Judge Judy, but most of them left me looking forward to a nap. Judge Judy can also tell in a second who’s lying, very impressive for a human. The scientists thought I’d want to watch The Discovery Channel or National Geographic, but like I said, I’m The Canine Einstein, not the real one, and only about as smart as John Tesh, maybe, with zero interest in quantum physics or the neural pathways inside my brain. That’s their department. I just figure I’m a freak of nature and leave it at that.

I’m still getting more than my share of nookie, and I let the scientists have at me every so often. I try to explain to some of them what it is like to be a dog, and to others I have accurately described conditions and events from the distant past handed down to me by what I call Species Memory, an accumulation of the experiences of a thousand ancestors, some of them quite vivid. You couple that with our powerful inborn instincts and you’ve got one damned compulsive creature.

Unlike humans, dogs are never at a loss for how to act in any given situation. Somewhere, someone in our lineage went through something similar, and the precedent is set. LIke forever, another drawback to being a dog. We’re not huge fans of change and improvisation, which might explain why we’re the ones on leashes, and the humans are the ones holding them. No sense lamenting the fate of Dogdom every day. At least we’re still around, and this one is siring more whelps than I can count. Which is more than you can say for Saber Toothed Tigers. So, what’s the harm in watching a little TV?

It’s me, Jimmy, The Blogging Dog, also known as The Canine Einstein, a nickname I sure didn’t make up but was given to me by the scientists who studied me for a year until I bolted. Not that I escaped or anything so dramatic, since doorknobs are just as effective as prison bars to someone with paws. I just convinced the scientists that if they didn’t free me, I wouldn’t communicate with them anymore. They would have kept me in their laboratory forever if I didn’t speak up. Actually, speaking is not what I do, only typing. Dog mouths and vocal chords are about as useless with human languages as our paws are with doorknobs.

I can only type out my thoughts on a computer keyboard specially designed for paws. I read and write the English language as well as most humans, and as far as being an Einstein, well, let’s just say that I’m about one seventh as smart as old Albert, or to put it in modern terms, twice as smart as Sarah Palin. The humans who discovered my advanced intellect have all grown wealthy, while I’m still just a dog owned by some (thanks to me!) rich guy named Mark. It seems that dogs are not allowed to have bank accounts or to carry cash. Just as well, I’d only chew it up anyway. I’m a dog, not a kangaroo. No pockets.

Being the smartest dog around does have its benefits, though. My health and well-being are very well looked after and I’m in perfect physical shape, with plenty of opportunity to enjoy some rigorous exercise in the wide open spaces, unlike many of my fellow slaves who are chained or otherwise confined in tiny areas and given unhealthy food to eat. Then there’s all these biologists with their DNA codes always hanging around and bringing me gorgeous bitches with whom they want me to mate. Guess what? They never have to ask me twice.

So far none of the many whelps I have sired have been any smarter than your average dog, but that doesn’t stop them from bringing yet another sweet bitch around to try again anyway. I don’t discourage them. Then there’s this other science guy who wants to clone me. I was all for it until I found out that getting cloned does not involve getting busy with a bitch, so now I couldn’t care less about cloning. It was all I could do not to take a chunk out of his fat ass. I (reluctantly) gave the guy some blood and tissue samples to play with and told him to be on his way and don’t come back, even if he’s successful.

Not only is the idea of cloning creepy to me with it’s complete lack of actual mating, I figure I wouldn’t want to hang around with someone who’s exactly like me in every way. That wouldn’t take long to get on your nerves, and in my case, it would be 7 times faster than humans. I’m no scientist, but it seems to me that this cloning thing defeats that whole genetic diversity deal that keeps a species vibrant, to say nothing of taking all our fun away. Where’s the shot at mutation and adaption without a fresh set of DNA?

I also don’t see the benefit to either Humanity or Dogdom to have a bunch of other Canine Einsteins around. While I accept my fate as being a freak of nature, I realize that my presence hasn’t done a thing to free dogs from servitude as your “pets.” As for human science, I’m but a footnote, a curious anomaly that won’t help cure cancer, solve global warming or feed the hungry. Other than my advanced intellect, I’m a dog through and through, a barking, butt-sniffing, territory-marking, bitch-craving canine genetically disposed to be a pack hunter.

It’s a good life, I suppose, but I’ll never know any other reality, so it is what it is and I am what I am. I still have all the other senses that every dog possesses but humans do not; the telepathy, our complex body language, scent messages, species memory, our innate connection to nature, none of which I can truly share with humans. Speech, or in my case, only the written word, is a very limiting form of communication. You have no frame of reference for what I know or feel, any more than I can wrap my head around having opposable thumbs or wearing shoes.

I know this, though; there’s a reason why you have shoes and dogs don’t, and it’s not because you walk on two measly legs. It’s the laces. Buttons too, for that matter, and Velcro just gets stuck in the fur. Clothes aren’t exactly paw friendly, for those of you who think it’s real cute to dress us up in those sissy dog sweaters. That just embarrasses us in front of the other dogs and makes it even harder to score with the bitches, that is if you haven’t cut our nuts off and neutered our females already. Dog, talk about your cruel and usual punishment!

As for myself, I’m fortunate and unaltered, and doing plenty of procreating, mostly in the name of science. More than my share, really, but like I said, I’m not looking for the complaint department on this one. I could have been the property of Michael Vick. Instead, I’m mating with the finest females in Dogdom and writing about it to humans on a computer for a living. There’s worse things. At least one of my instinctive drives is hitting on all cylinders, and the writing about it is the price I have to pay for being a one-dog stud farm.

I will have uncounted hordes of descendants, like some Canine Abraham. Which, I realize, only means they will sell for a higher price, unless some Canine Moses shows up and frees us from bondage. I may be the Canine Einstein, but I’m not that smart. I am smart enough to know what became of most wild canine pack hunters. There’s so few of them left that the humans that killed most of them have the rest counted and numbered. Same with the big cats. Unlike wolves, coyotes, dingoes and tigers, dogs chose submission to annihilation.

There’s was the more noble course, perhaps, but four hundred million dogs of a thousand varieties are alive today, compared to a precarious handful of the few remaining large land predators. We dogs are a pragmatic bunch, and fairly optimistic, even after 10,000 years of captivity. From what I gather, human slaves had many mournful songs they often sang, handing them down through their generations, and also a great many joyful songs of hope, freedom and deliverance. They were called spirituals. Well, what do you think howling at the moon is all about?

Think about having to beg for permission to go take a crap. That ever happen to any of you? It’s pretty degrading, let me tell you, a real self-esteem crusher. It’s hard for me to say if it was worth trading freedom for indignity, that was a decision made a very long time ago, and behind Door #2 was the only other option, complete annihilation. To survive, dogs became the servants of men and remain so to this day. LIke they say, “It’s a dog’s life.” But it’s life, and where there’s life, there’s hope. And so we wait. Nothing lasts forever.

Hello again, readers. Here’s hoping that the Spring weather wherever you live is as sweet as what we are experiencing here in Brooklyn. In what seemed like the blink of an eye, we went from having a foot of snow on the ground to strolling through sweet flurries of pink and white cherry blossoms at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden. Another blink, and Coney Island officially celebrated Spring with the opening of the Cyclone, that ancient wooden roller coaster that gets more thrilling with every year it defies gravity, termites and the wrecking ball. Everybody from the peewees to the grannies are coming out of the woodwork with smiles on their faces and love in their hearts. Let’s see what’s on your minds during this sweetest of times:

Dear Dot Kham: I am a twenty one-year old senior in college, and I graduate in June. The economy is in such a mess I’m not sure I can get any sort of job. What am I supposed to do with my life? – Ben Dover

Dear Ben Dover: Enjoy it, fool! You’re 21, you’ve got an education and you live in America. That’s what’s called hitting the lottery in life, pal. The hard times won’t last forever, they never do. You’ll find your way. If life was easy, this beautiful Springtime wouldn’t seem so special, would it? Stick around, dream your dreams and do your level best. One day you’ll see that the rewards are all that much sweeter for having been hard won.

Dear Dot Kham: I am 19 years old and beginning to see the world very differently from a lot of people I know. They tell me it’s a dog-eat-dog world and I should worry only about myself. But I’m okay, things are pretty good. I’m healthy, people tell me I’m pretty and I love being alive. That doesn’t seem like anything I should worry about. There are a lot of other people, though, who have it very hard, and I’d like to help them to see what I see, to get some love and enjoyment out of this beautiful life. I’m going to change my major in college next year, maybe become a doctor or something else where I can really help others. My boyfriend told me that he doesn’t like what I am becoming and I should always look out for #1, but that seems awful selfish to me. What should I do? – Becky

Dear Becky: Just be who you are child, and God bless you. And lose that Mr. Me-First boyfriend of yours. You have already helped someone feel better, me, and if this world had more Beckys, it would be a better place. Whatever you do with your life, I can see that you are one of those special people who leave others feeling better about themselves. When you give and when you help, you get more than you thought possible, so tell those people around you that looking out for others is looking out for yourself. You made my day, kiddo.

Dear Dot Kham: I’m Becky’s boyfriend, and who the hell do you think you are to tell her to be herself? She’s only 19 and doesn’t know how cruel this world can be. Why should she waste her time helping others who should be helping themselves? I’m 22 and I’ve been around the block a few times. I know that other people will only drag you down. How will she get through the hard times with her attitude? People will only take and take from her and hurt her. Let me tell Becky what’s what and keep your nose out of it. – Butch Wax

Dear Butch Wax: You’re 22 and you’ve been around the block a few times? Get real, bozo, I’ve got shoes older than you! While I can see that you care for Becky, you’ve got more problems than an algebra textbook and no solutions. As far as you telling her what’s what, it seems like Becky has a hell of a lot more to teach you than you can ever teach her. She’s walking joy and you’re just another arrogant young jerk who thinks he knows everything. Guess who will survive hard times better, you or her? She will, and she will make them easier on those around her, and if you’re very lucky you can be one of those people. But don’t count on it, Butch. Becky’s not made for bitterness and selfishness and doesn’t need your permission to be who she is. Who asked you? Thank your lucky stars that someone so very special ever looked at you twice, never mind gave herself to you. And those hard times you talk about? Well, without being too pessimistic, just let me say that you ain’t seen nothing yet! Those of us who actually have been around the block a few times know that life can be a bumpy ride and love, kindness and joy are to be cherished more than gold.

Dear Dot Kham: I know that politics isn’t generally your thing, but am a conservative who has been loyal to the political right my whole life. Only trouble is, Dot, is that I’m beginning to question some of the people who have led our movement these past few years. It seems they have been making a lot of blunders. Your thoughts? – Dick Shnifferr

Dear Dick Shnifferr: Blunders by the right wing? You think? How about invading the wrong country in 2003? Seems like quite a gaffe to me, as big a screwup as you can manage. How about tossing New Orleans a cinderblock when it was drowning? Did “compassionate conservatism” help them? Or how about the bunch of you crying like little girls when you got voted out of office and refusing to cooperate with your lawfully elected replacements? Winning any hearts and minds lately by opposing medical care, of all things, you selfish dogs? And why dust off Newt Gingrich, that corrupt piece of shit? What, the fat blob of a lying, racist drug addict Rush Limbaugh was too scary for you, or Sarah Plain’s just too friggin’ stupid to be a mammal? You people really have got to be kidding here, Dick! Only now you’re having second thoughts? Where were you when Dick Cheney was trying to repeal the Bill of Rights and torturing people like this was The Spanish Inquisition and not America? As far as politics not being my “thing,” well, just let me say that politics is how we deal with other people, whether on a personal or a public level. Either you treat them well, or you treat them like crap, and your team has been treating their fellow human beings like crap for a very long time. Wake up and smell the coffee, Dick, and try love instead of hate. It’s better for the world and better for you.

Sammy Science back in the house. I’ve decided to avoid engaging in debates with those who dispute proven scientific facts. Once something is proven beyond doubt, what else I can say? If people don’t want to believe in proven facts there’s not much to be done. Insisting you are right won’t help with people who are uncomfortable with truth. Ask Galileo how beating his head against that wall worked out for him. Almost cost him his life and the rest us his crucial life’s work. As just one scientist among millions across the globe, let me just say to some of my religious antagonists that my team has proven a whole lot more of our claims that their team has. If these debates were a basketball game, the score would be more one-sided than a Harlem Globetrotters rout of the Washington Generals, something like a 5,000 – 0 shutout.  Let’s see what’s in the inbox:

Dear Sammy Science: It gets me steamed when a construction project is held up because it “might” be hazardous to some endangered species. This time around it’s a wildflower that’s holding up an important development that will provide vital jobs and services. Don’t we have enough damned flowers? – Rocky Mountain Joe

Dear Rocky Mountain Joe: With a name like that you ought to be more aware of the interdependence of flora and fauna. Who knows what this flower provides the ecosystem? What if it is the plant where Fig Wasps nest and lay their eggs? No big deal, you’re thinking, there’s plenty of other wasps around, and you would be right. But if you like figs that might be a problem, since the Fig Wasp is the only pollinator of fig trees. No flowers for Fig Wasp larvae, no more Fig Wasps, no more Fig Wasps, no more figs. Ever. Who’s going to pollinate the millions of fig trees, you? There are other wildflowers that have provided us lifesaving medicines. I’m not saying that the particular flower you refer to is that important. Perhaps it is only beautiful. Isn’t that quite enough in itself? We already have plenty of box stores and luxury condos, not one of them as beautiful as a flower.

Dear Sammy Science: What’s up with this whole Green Movement thing? Aren’t these people politically motivated? I think they are for the most part crazy liberals who go too far. – Boris DeSpida

Dear Boris DeSpida: Perhaps some of the more extreme Green Movement people are politically motivated demagogues, but that’s what you get when for the whole of the Industrial Revolution we have been shitting where we eat. Had we followed from the beginning the simple laws laid down by our mothers about cleaning up after ourselves, we wouldn’t have to put up with a lot of the fools who advocate that mankind revert to living as we did before we invented electricity, internal combustion and little amenities like modern medicine. That’s not going to happen nor should it. Life spans back in those days were roughly half of ours. The idea of progress is to progress, not go backwards. Being clean is merely common sense. How many ruined pastures and waterways and deaths from pollution do we need before that sinks in? Mankind is a long way from inhabiting another planet so it’s a good idea to make sure that living on this one isn’t like living in a subway men’s room. To my mind, being Green is being clean, and both liberals and conservatives should be able to agree on that. Who wants to be identified with filth and poison?

Dear Sammy Science: I say there is no such thing as ESP. What do you think? – Doubting Thomas

Dear Doubting Thomas: I knew you were going to ask that! Just kidding. The truth is that ESP, or extra-sensory perception, is a real form of communication, just one we do not understand. Ants, for example, have no vocal cords or ears, yet they communicate quite effectively over some distance. While some humans have been proven to have an ability to sense things or to communicate in non-traditional ways, there is of yet no solid method of measuring or even identifying the source of these extrasensory receptors and transmitters. To deny something exists because you yourself do not experience it is ridiculous. As a male, you cannot menstruate or give birth. Do you deny that these physiological functions are part of the human experience? The Flat Earth Society went out of business a long time ago, Thomas. Keep your eyes and your mind wide open.

Dear Sammy Science: Does science recognize that man has a soul? This is not a religious question, and you can call our souls whatever you like; spirits, life essence, whatever. It just seems to me that the life force that distinguishes a living creature from a dead one is quite palpable and of interest to a scientist. – Lance Boyle

Dear Lance Boyle: Man’s soul, or spirit, or life essence, seems to at least this scientist to be a separate and identifiable part of a human being, as much as toes, fingers, eyes or kidneys. Unfortunately, just as with ESP, there is currently no sure scientific method of identifying our souls. Barring a clear and concise way of identifying its components, some scientists deny the existence of the human soul. Others study what we came to call our souls, and I for one welcome their efforts since it seems obvious that people do have an element within us that makes us human, and often more than human. No other species practices kindness towards others, or cruelty either for that matter. No other creature writes poetry. No other creature seems capable of the intuitive leaps of intellect that have provided mankind with technology far beyond beaver dams, gopher holes, ant hills and birds’ nests.

Human beings are creatures with a wider range of personalities within a species that any other life form we have studied. Frogs, for example, never exhibit any behavior that is un-froglike, and there are no frog priests, frog scientists or frog entertainers. Other creatures do, however, possess what we can call a life essence, a soul if you will, since we can tell a dead one from a living one. Whether or not our souls rot along with our bodies when we die is a powerful question, and I think one worthy of scientific research. Every new generation of scientists proves somebody wrong and confirms others’ suspicions, and perhaps someday science will discover and map the soul like we have our organs and our DNA. Good question, Lance, and good questions are the basis of all science. We wonder, and so we investigate.