At the Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious (DOPOTO), researchers and senior analysts alike have been immersed in the exciting developments in the Middle East. First Tunisians ousted their government, followed swiftly by Egypt, which overthrew 30 years of Hosni Mubarek’s oppressive dictatorship in just 18 peaceful days. Now the nations of Bahrain, Iran, Algeria, Libya and Yemen have seen their authoritarian governments rocked by mass demonstrations demanding, of all things, democracy.

Many so-called “experts” and observers in the West have long held the elitist opinion that Arabs and Muslims were “not ready” for democracy, the implication being that they are all tribal nomads with fealty only to their traditional warlords and chieftains. This is a widely held opinion in spite of the fact that during the Middle Ages, North Africa under Islam was the global center of medicine, science, scholarship, architecture, literature, philosophy, tolerance and multiculturalism, while Europe was mired in filth, plague, perpetual warfare, ignorance, fear, superstition, hatred  and intolerance.

While the West has gained acendency since those halcyon days for Semitic Culture, during the Middle Ages it was the East that boasted the important centers of learning and scholarship, and the West that was amputating perfectly good limbs with dirty tools, fouling their cities with their own waste and burning their brothers and sisters at the stake for pointing out obvious truths. So let us not claim any intellectual or moral high ground on our Middle Eastern brethren.

The fact that today our societies are more technologically advanced as well as being more workable and equitable to its citizens than Eastern nations is only a recent historical development, a situation that could change in a matter of a few short years. Ask the German or the Japanese people how they squandered centuries of hard work and achievement by following madmen to their nations’ near annihilation, their beautiful cities turned in to piles of smoking ruble. No Middle Eastern Nation ever caused the world a fraction of the death and destruction that European and Asian Fascism caused in a dozen insane years only 70 years ago.

The citizens of the Middle East have endured centuries of conquest, hostility, oppression and exploitation at the hands of Western Colonial Powers, with even many of the borders and ethnic makeups of their nations determined by foreign empires. The leaders left in charge when World War 2 finally put an end to Colonialism were also, for the most part, hand-picked by their former colonial masters; ruthless despots who would “keep them in line” while western corporations continued their business-as-usual of siphoning off the lion’s share of these nations’ national wealth.

Is it any wonder that radicalism and anti-westen sentiment took root in many of these countries? Being robbed from within by greedy tyrants and from without by rapacious corporate interests, little money was left for education and government services. Before many generations passed, a great many of the poorer citizens of such nations had regressed into the the same ignorant superstition and unreasonable hatred that had plagued Europe’s population of preceding centuries.

No al Qaeda, Hamas or any other terrorist group could succeed in attracting recruits from nations that were enjoying freedom, prosperity and equality in human rights, and whose nations were in control of their own natural resources. In an almost visceral understanding of this self-perpetuating predicament, the masses of the Middle East seem to have risen as one and said “Enough!” Starting in Tunisia and cemented by the stunning peaceful victory in Egypt, a popular revolution is sweeping the Middle East.

Western civilization has been taken aback by all this, and predictions of disaster are rampant. Too many Western leaders and “Middle East Experts” are of the opinion that Western powers should be directing this revolution and picking its leaders, just like we did when Colonialism disappeared in name only. They miss the obvious point that their meddling and domination were a huge factor in the shaping of these societies’ recent histories, and that this is the true end of Colonialism, where the people of the Middle East pursue self-deternimination in a way they see fit, not what is allowed them by their patronizing overseers both foreign and domestic.

The West should be complimented rather than appalled by this popular revolution. The form of government being demanded by the demonstrators is, after all, Western-style representative democracy, a form of government whose foreign policy operatives had withheld from Middle Easterners as being “too advanced” for them. Well, guess again, and people here in New York City are watching events in the Middle East very carefully, hoping that this international push for Democracy will free New Yorkers from 115 years of tyrannical one-man rule.

This group of American citizens has long been considered “unfit” for self rule and have seen their hopes for democracy dashed again and again by one megalomaniacal mayor after another unwilling to share power with a legislative branch of government. One result has been that the  New York City Court system has become the de-facto legislative branch by fielding challenges to the many autocratic and unconstitutional fiats dictated by our Strongman mayors, setting the dangerous precedent of the usurpation of legislative functions by New York City judges, a job for which they are unsuited, and not elected to perform.

New York City is one of the last places in America where representative democracy is not practiced. While citizens can vote for Mayor and members of the City Council ever since the 5 Boroughs incorporated into a single city in 1896, the City Council has no power and each new mayor exercises absolute power over 8 million citizens, more people than reside in Bahrain and Libya combined. Perhaps this Democracy Fever will sweep across the Atlantic and free New Yorkers of taxation without representation, finally completing the American Revolution that’s been the inspiration for liberation movements everywhere for 235 years.

This was a report from The Department Of Pointing Out The Obvious.

Tallyrand D’Antione of Wickedleak here, as always reporting from an undisclosed location. Here at wickedleak.net we are determined to show solidarity with Julian Assange, facing extradition to Sweden, where he will face a secret tribunal of Viking Chieftains on sex charges. Since the authorities have managed to shut down Assange’s Wikileaks for the time being, Wickedleak takes up the banner with the following earth-shattering revelations that some people would rather not be made public:

The President of The United States of America, Barack Obama, in a direct snub to his African-American brethren, smokes non-menthol cigarettes. What message is this man of mixed-race trying to send?

Executives at Bank of America held a hot dog-eating contest at their annual company picnic, but not with their own hot dogs, with the winner being the one who could eat the most hot dogs from other people’s tables. The company wrote the whole thing off as a training seminar.

The owners of Saudi Arabia, Inc., The Saudi Royal Family, has but a tenuous claim to the throne. Documents in our possession reveal that incumbent Saudi King Abdullah won the title in a high-stakes game of Naked Twister from the rightful heir to the throne.

Jay Leno is secretly campaigning to have Conan O’Brien fired from his new Cable TV show. Wickedleak has come into possession of an audio-taped conversation where Mr. Leno admits his reasons: “Just to fuck with that punk-ass little shit’s head even more! He’s finished in this town, you hear me? I’m Jay fucking Leno, dammit! He’s finished!”

Wickedleak has uncovered documented evidence that powerful United States Congressman Barney Frank is a practicing homosexual. When confronted with irrefutable evidence by Wickedleak operatives, Mr. Frank made this statement: “♫Helllooo–oo!♪”

Wickedleak reminds you that with the recent (forced?) retirements of Regis Philbin, Mike Wallace and Larry King, that Andy Rooney of CBS Television’s “60 Minutes” is now the only TV personality that did not grow up watching television, and there will never be another. Conspiracy, or that tired old “Father Time” explanation that the powers-that-be would have you believe?

The Roman Catholic Church has long resisted demands by the faithful for financial transparency. Wickedleak has come into possession of documents that may shed some light on annual expenses at the Vatican. Pope Benedict’s costume and dry cleaning budget in fiscal year 2010 was in excess of €3 million ($4.086 million U.S.), with his pointy hat bill alone amounting to nearly $1,350,000!

Wickedleak has been in receipt (from an anonymous donor) of sensational information about the new American political party, the Tea Party. An insider has provided Wickedleak with detailed proof that there is no platform, no mission statement and no political think tanks being convened to formulate practical solutions to the tough problems. One Tea Party powerhouse explained: “We let our anger do our talking and our thinking. The American people relate to that, and deserve better than the stale old ‘let’s-fix-things-together-as-one-nation’ policies of the Obama administration.”

Documents uncovered by Wickedleak have confirmed the long-rumored existence of a very large nation to the north of the United States of America. This country has been identified as “Canada,” and very little is known about it since almost no news of its inner workings reaches the outside world. It is thought to be a Theocracy, with their state religion having something to do with the Queen of England, the leaves of maple trees, red tunics with brass buttons and ice fishing. So far Canada has had nothing to say one way or the other, to the surprise of no one.

The Chinese government has attempted on a number of occasions to hack into Wickedleak.net in order to discover any damaging leaked documents about Chinese financial dealings, but the cyber-attacks were repelled by our alert Indian tech support people, who knew something was up when the Chinese hackers didn’t know Mrs. D’Antoine’s maiden name. The joke is on them since no one here at Wickedleak can read Cantonese and so it’s unclear if we’re sitting on dangerous secrets or shredded pork recipes.

Wickedleak investigations of corruption and incompetence at The United Nations and their abysmal record of never having solved any problem anywhere ever, have prompted that organization to appoint a committee to study the feasibility of convening a panel that will make non-binding recommendations regarding the eventual formation of a permanent committee that will decide whether or not to form an investigative unit to find out who leaked the dirt to Wickedleak. The whole process should take about a decade.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has asked Wickedleak to help him show his innocence of charges that he paid a 17 year-old prostitute for sex with documents in our possession that prove that he bought the girl fair and square from Ukranian human traffickers and thus should not be held accountable for violating his own property. Well, as it turns out, Wickedleak did indeed have a copy of that bill of sale and it looked pretty legit and straightforward so we forwarded it to Mr. Berlusconi’s defense team so he could prove clear title of ownership of the girl in  question.

Monsanto Corporation has been threatening Wickedleak with starvation if we do not cease and desist releasing documents critical of the giant genetically-altered seed company. Lawyers for Monsanto have pointed out that Monsanto now owns the rights to every food crop in the world, and by extension, every domestic animal raised on their crops, and can say who is and is not allowed to eat their food. Our own lawyers confirmed this is indeed the case and so we surrendered the incriminating documents to Monsanto. Hey, Crusaders have to eat too!

This has been another earth-shaking report from Wickedleak,net. Look to these pages for further reports from yet another undisclosed location. Until then, this is Tallyrand D’Antoine signing off. Always remember: the truth is out there…. sort of.

It’s Answer Man Time Again, people! You know the drill, you ask questions and the Answer Man Answers them. Remember, questions only!

Dear Answer Man: Is it true that toilets and sinks drain in the opposite direction on the other side of the world? – Yuri Nidyet

Dear Yuri Nidyet: Yes. Next!

Dear Answer Man: You didn’t tell him why! – Nan Compoop

Dear Nan Compoop: Sorry, there’s no question here. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Will Egypt’s revolution spread to other Middle East nations? – Ernesto Godliness

Dear Ernesto Godliness: Put it this way, Ernesto: how long would it take for a bunch of Manson-eyed creeps in robes who constantly tell everybody what worthless pieces of crap they are and try to talk your favorite nephew into blowing himself to smithereens to get on your nerves in a big way? So, the answer is yes, yes it will spread throughout the region. Next!

Dear Answer Man: How did you get to be so smart? – Justin Case

Dear Justin Case: I’ll answer this one with a little parable: Two men, Tom and Teddy, were hiking in the woods when they encountered a giant hungry Grizzly Bear. Immediately Tom start to run away with Teddy on his heels and the Grizzly right behind them. Teddy breathlessly informs Tom that there’s no way they can outrun the Grizzly Bear, to which Tom replies: “I know that Teddy, which is why I only have to outrun you!” Here’s a clue, Justin: you’re Teddy, I’m Tom. Next!

Dear Answer Man: I don’t get it! – Justin Case.

Dear Justin Case: Bingo! And on such as yourself sir, is Answer Man’s fortune made. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Scientists have determined that bees are not aerodynamically sound. How do they fly, then? – Jerry Mander

Dear Jerry Mander: If you don’t tell the bees, I won’t either. Next!

Dear Answer Man: But that’s no answer, you blowhard phony! – Jerry Mander

Dear Jerry Mander: I’m sorry, Jerry, but you must submit your posts in the form of a question. Next!

Dear Answer Man: What’s with that Jerry dude, A.M.? Seems a bit uptight. – Barbados Slim

Dear Barbados Slim: He’s apparently a guy who doesn’t keep up with the latest science journals and is thus unaware of new studies explaining that the incredible speed and complex design of bees’ wings overcomes any inherent body-design deficiencies in aerodynamic drag and lift. Go figure. Next!

Dear Answer Man: No fair! – Jerry Mander

Dear Jerry Mander: You need not thank me now for teaching you this important life lesson, Jerry, but one day you’ll realize that Answer Man is right, life is really not fair.

Dear Answer Man: The Moon is moving away from the earth at the rate of about one inch per year. Where is the Moon going in not-such-a-hurry? – Carrie Miebach

Dear Carrie Miebach: The Moon is going nowhere slow, but still finding it’s permanent orbit around the earth. You see, Carrie, the moon used to be a part of Planet Earth, our Pacific flank, as it were, before there was a Pacific Ocean. Then a chuck of cosmic debris the size of Africa crashed into the planet, and one result was the moon separating and flying off into space, spinning around to become a globular mass and, although it has stopped spinning and we see only one side of it,  it is still on that journey hundreds of millions of years later, but Earth’s gravity will never allow it to fully leave our orbit. It may look a drop smaller when it finally finds its permanent groove, but it’s not escaping. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Why do beavers build dams if they don’t use hydroelectric power? – Friendly Freddy

Dear Friendly Freddy: Beavers dam up streams and rivers to irrigate their farms, and don’t use electricity because they are Amish. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Is that really true, that beavers are Amish?  I always figured them to be Mennonites! – Isaah Lott

Dear Isaah Lott: The Answer Man is reminded once again to be supremely grateful for the intellectual development of the readers of bobcrespo.com, and yes, beavers are dam-building Amish farmers to the core of their beings! Next!

Dear Answer Man: Is messing with people’s heads how you get your jollies? – Bull O’Really

Dear Bull O’ Really: What, you think you invented horseshit, Bull? Please! I’ve watched your pathetic dog-and-pony show, and not once do you give any credit to your mentor Josef Goebbels, architect of the Big Lie. Next!

Dear Answer Man: When bears hibernate, do they dream? – Julie DeForth

Dear Julie DeForth: Yes they do, Julie, but unfortunately it’s always that dream where you’re on the subway in your underwear trying to act normal, so it’s little wonder why they’re so darned testy when they emerge from their dens in Springtime. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Lush Limburger says global warming is a myth and says that this winter proves it. Is Lush right? – Tipper from Tennessee

Dear Tipper from Tennessee: Perhaps Lush Limburger neglected to read the parts of the scientific studies mentioning that one result of global warming will be more snow and harsher winters in some areas of The Earth. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Why don’t they give out a Nobel Prize for juggling? I can juggle two bowling pins, a bottle of wine (which I drink while juggling!) and a goldfish bowl and never spill a drop! – Jimbo the Magnificent

Dear Jimbo the Magnificent: The Answer Man loves his job! Sorry, Jimbo, I didn’t mean to get carried away. Looks like you’re a classic case of “born too late,” son. The Nobel Committee retired the Juggling While Drunk Prize when W.C. Fields died in 1946. He had been the recipient of 5 of them, a record for Nobel Laureates. Next!

Dear Answer Man: My old lady Ginger Snap tells me she’s sick of us being Poor White Trash even though we just upgraded to a double wide and got rid of most of the rusty junkers out front. Doesn’t that make us Middle Class White Trash? – Bubba Ho Tep

Dear Bubba Ho Tep: Yes, that’s exactly what it means. Tell Ginger Snap she can hold her head up high next time you two have a dustup and wind up appearing on another episode of COPS. Next!

Dear Answer Man: Who would win a 3-way cage match between Mike Sorrentino (The Situation from “Jersey Shore”), a wild African leopard and the head Transformer? – Sid Arthur

Dear Sid Arthur: I see you’ve specified an African leopard, Sid. Very astute, a subtle game-changer that makes it a tough call. The answer would be; Get a friggin’ life, bozo, and maybe a thimbleful of knowledge one of these years! Next!

Dear Answer Man: You just totally threw up your hands and bailed on this one, didn’t you, Answer Man? – Sammy  Science

Dear Sammy Science: Bingo! You got me, Mister Science. An artist can only work with the materials at hand, my friend. You know as well as I do that some days in this biz you just say screw it and play the cards you’re dealt. I notice you haven’t been appearing on these pages lately. What gives?

Dear Answer Man: Hellooo! Didn’t you get the memo? Science is something the president mentions every so often and everyone nods solemnly and agrees until the next day when we go back to taking political positions on proven facts. This ain’t like the 1950’s and ’60s anymore, Answer Man, when every kid had a chemistry set and a microscope along with their baseball gloves, with maybe a rocket assembly kit too. Mr. Science is like the dinosaurs half the people around tell their kids didn’t exist! I have to admit I’ve been hitting the bottle pretty heavy lately. – Sammy Science

Dear Sammy Science: Preaching to the choir pal, and that explains your hiatus, but hey, there’s mouths to feed, and there’s no heavy lifting here, so what the hell! That said, The Answer Man has had all he can take for one day, so… I… Am… Soooo… Outta here!

Ever the public servants, we here at bobcrespo.com have added one more service to our Menu of The Magnificent. Today we provide literal translations of common, but often misleading, words or phrases. Consider these:

Phrase: With all due respect.

Translation: Move over, Rodney Dangerfield.

Phrase: Not for nothing, but…

Translation: A huge something, and never good.

Phrase: You don’t mind if I…?

Translation: I’m going to anyway.

Phrase:: It’s not the money, it’s the principle

Translation: It’s the principal, and I want interest!

Phrase: You know what they say…

Translation: Here’s my opinion…

Phrase: A stitch in time saves nine.

Translation: Nobody likes this Ben Franklin line, its biggest mystery being how this least profound famous quote ever came to be so popular. The better mysterious quote from this notorious womanizer?  Try this: “All cats are gray in the dark.”

Phrase: Rumor has it.

Translation: It’s true.

Phrase: Size doesn’t matter.

Translation: It matters, otherwise the subject would never come up.

Phrase: I can see Russia from my house.

Translation: I saw Yeti once.

Phrase:: Eccentric celebrity.

Translation: Loathsome degenerate with talent.

Phrase: Wired in.

Translation: I live only through my electronic devices and haven’t had to meet an actual person since 2006, thank God.

Phrase: Trickle down.

Translation: Let them eat cake.

Phrase: Luxury Condo.

Translation: There is no other kind of condominium. When was the last time anyone tried to sell you a Regular Condo, or a Drafty Utilitarian Box Condo?

Phrase: The Right of Eminent Domain.

Translation: Sorry Granny, but Walmart needs another 1,000 parking spaces, your house is bulldozer food. On the bright side, you can always apply to be a greeter for minimum wage, plus a senior discount!

Phrase: Free gift!

Translation: As opposed to say, being charged for a gift.

Phrase: Life coach.

Translation: Scam artist.

Phrase:: NYC Council Member

Translation: A member of The Manhattan Politburo, a powerless rubber-stamp committee designed to make New York City’s government resemble an actual American government with a legislative and an executive branch, rather than the one-man rule over 8 million people that it is.

Phrase: Higher Education

Translation: A degree in Pharmacology.

Phrase:: Rap

Translation: Street poetry

Phrase: Alternative music.

Translation: Will.I.am.not.

Phrase: Aroma therapist.

Translation: Scam artist

Phrase: Peace process

Translation: Don’t hold your breath.

Phrase: President For Life

Translation: Beware the Ides of March.

Phrase: Can we still be friends?

Translation: Of the long lost variety, of course.

Phrase: Vice President

Translation: A heartbeat away from being in way over your head.

Phrase: The Christian Right

Translation: Those who have openly broken with the policies of Jesus Christ.

Phrase: Reality TV.

Translation: The Surreal McCoy.

Phrase: Corporate Spokesperson

Translation: U.S. Congressman

Phrase: Morbidly obese

Translation: A new dimension in cruelty by professional scolds.

Phrase: Vitamin Water

Translation: Kool Aid

Phrase: I don’t love you that way.

Translation: Or, pretty much any way, now that you mention it.

In a stunning coup on the world’s media, bobcrespo.com has secured an interview with George, the last living Neanderthal man. Thought to be extinct for thousands of years, George came out of hiding when the last of his kind other than himself died. Alone in the world and facing the oblivion of loneliness and isolation, George wants to tell the world his story. Here goes:

Bobcrespo.com: Thank your for sitting down with us today, George.

George: Who, us! Me see you only! There Spirit Man here?

BC: No, George, relax, I  made a mistake. Thanks for sitting down with me!

George: Me joke you, me know you blowhard, man who say us when it only him! No believe Spirit Man, me tease! Me like you, bobcrespo.com! No make funny dem no like.

BC: Thank you George, and I like you too. May I ask you how you got the name George? Seems unusual for a Caveman.

George: That me human name. Real name Denzel.  Many Caveman name Denzel. Me last.

BC: Why a human name?

George: Me pass sometimes. Many humans think me drunk biker, give me food, beer. Me take.

BC: Is that how you’ve been living since the next-to-last Caveman died?

George: Me still hunt, pick berries sometime, mostly act like drunk biker. Me no miss many meals.

BC: I’m amazed at your command of English, George.

George: Neanderthal no dumdum, bobcrespo.com, we just little slow on uptake! By time we realize you no mean Kumbaya, we almost extinct! You say “me show you new kind club,” we say “okay sure,” you bash skull new club! Den you say “want see new arrow” and again we say “okay sure….” You getting caribou scent here, bobcrespo.com?

BC: So you’re saying Neanderthals are too trusting?”

George: Me say was! It only me now, no trust human.

BC: I’m sorry to hear that.

George: You sorry? How think me feel?

BC: Well, you can always…. pass.

George: Me thinking of it. Me up for colors in bike gang.

BC: Don’t they know you’re a Neanderthal man?

George: Dem know, dem say make me ideal candidate. Biker no question if you okay. Dem say me okay. Me join, have food, beer, biker chick.

BC: You have a human girlfriend?

George: Her name Lulu. Many pictures on skin. Soft. Her like beer too.

BC: So, you’re not going public with who you are? You could make a fortune, you know, “The Last Caveman: The Movie,” TV, DVDs, interviews, books, public appearances, you’d be a sensation!

George: Me no think so, bobcrespo.com. No want be Yeti for nobody, like bird in cage. Me no Yeti, me Caveman, me real! Me ride hog, me free, me have Lulu.

BC: Well, it’s your life, George. You seem to have adjusted well to being the last of your kind, I must say.

George: You think me idea? Not confusing big number options for Last Caveman here! Me want live, me want free like was! Bike gang best shot.

BC: Well, George, your secret’s relatively safe here, hardly anyone reads these things. If you ever change your mind and want to get rich, George, I’d love to be your agent.

George: Line form to right if George ever decide go pubic, me have pick of agent!Me no dumdum, me tell you, and me no trust. Me no go public, this me last sit down talk.

BC: Sorry to hear that George but I wish you the best in your new life. Is there anything you’d like to tell my readers before you ride off into the sunset with Lulu on the back of your hog? A message to humanity from the Last Caveman?

George: Me have wish. Me like brown bear. Tell human no kill all.

And there you have it folks, the first (and apparently last!) interview with The Last Caveman. True to his word, George walked out of bobcrespo.com HQ and roared off on his Harley to parts unknown with Lulu hanging on.

As part of the major renovations we will be undertaking at this website in the coming year, bobcrespo.com is proud to announce the Bobcrespo.com Online University! That’s right, BC.CU will soon be taking applications from promising undergrads looking for that prestigious doctorate degree that will push them over the top when it comes to employability in today’s depressed job market.

More importantly, enrolling at BC.CU gives you Student Status, explaining that embarrassing years-long lapse on your work resume that most Americans have these days. Unlike other Online Universities, BC.CU will not offer advanced degrees in the stale old subjects that have been contributing to the complete unemployability of their students. Looking at the moonscape that is today’s economy, we are tailoring our curriculum to offer careers in the fields where the money is today: The financial services, politics, computer engineering and popular science.

When the rules of mathematics and prudent financial investment are being rewritten daily by the leading practitioners in the financial industries, who needs another Certified Public Accountant or Doctor of Economics trained in the old ways, using the old math? Banks, credit corporations and investment houses won’t touch those misinformed fools who think the game is on the level!

Instead, we turn out Doctors of Creative Accounting (DCAs), real-world savvy professionals adept at getting numbers to say whatever the boss needs them to say. Any fool can write “one plus one equals two,” and guess what? No one wants to hear that crap anymore!

When $7 trillion “disappeared” in 2008, it only disappeared from some people’s pockets and reappeared in the pockets of other people; really, really rich people. Remember, Physics 101 informed us that matter can neither be created or destroyed, and neither can wealth. But as millions and millions of us found out the hard way, it can sure be moved from hand to hand faster than you can say “Impoverished Golden Years.”

A doctorate in Creative Accounting from Bobcrespo.com University could have armed investors with the knowledge of how today’s markets actually work, not how they are supposed to work. Don’t forget, the players set the rules these days! Why pretend otherwise? Learn to be a player at BC.CU!

For example, when the drastic over-evaluation of everything that exists, combined with the financial industry’s selling Mud Futures and Wind Bonds on world markets as if they were real things, a trained DCA would have bailed, knowing the fix was in, and even turned a tidy profit by betting against his country’s economy.

At BC.CU, our curriculum reflects current realities, not academic pipe dreams or antiquated, arbitrary “Scholastic Standards.” In keeping with this hard-nose approach to higher education, we will be offering advance university degrees in the following subjects as well:

Doctor of Popular Science: A scientist first and foremost has to eat, just like anybody else, and these days, a scientist’s bread is buttered thickest in the employ of large corporations. What is science but explaining the unexplainable to non-scientists? So who’s to say what is absolute truth? For all anyone really knows, the world is actually cooling, asbestos is harmless and tobacco is just a fun, cool weed. And with the letters Ph.D after your name, you can command instant respect and a huge salary to explain to the authorities and the general public that your company’s policy of dumping oil slag in the local ecosytem is actually vital “Environmental Lubrication.“

Doctor of Computer Appropriation: Learn to access information from any computer anywhere. If you are technically gifted and understand computers, why waste your time solving logistics problems for your stupid fat cat bosses at a fraction of their bloated salaries? At BC.CU you will learn how to mine the computer memories of any computer anywhere for the gold that is information in the Information Age, and how to run a bidding war to ensure you are selling your Appropriated Data to the highest bidder. Or you can electronically mine actual gold, mining the bank accounts of others and transferring the contents to a series of untraceable offshore accounts we will teach you to set up. Hackers will inherit the earth, and Doctor Hacker will inherit the lion’s share!

Doctor of Political Manipulation (DPM): The modern political landscape is far different from the one still being taught in most universities, but here at BC.CU we teach the Modern Rules of The Game, mainly, that there are no rules anymore! Slander, lies, fear-mongering and histrionics are the hard currency of modern electoral politics, and that’s what wins hearts and minds! Especially weak minds, who are eager to contribute money they cannot afford to a cause that promises them unrealistic prosperity. Issues-based political campaigning is a thing of the past and today’s candidates run on platforms of demonizing the opposition and accusing them of actively preventing “the rest of us” (always include yourself in the great We) from returning to a fabricated idyllic golden age. It doesn’t matter what you tell people what America used to be like before the godless drug addicted transvestites took over, the voters you are targeting know jack about history or the U.S. Constitution.

If that doesn’t work you can always steal an election (see above; Doctor of Computer Appropriation). And we teach potential political operatives the latest successful techniques, such as focussing on as broad a base of the white majority as is possible, and convincing them they are an oppressed, long-sufering minority, with the inference being, that somebody is responsible for their downtrodden condition. Let them fill in their own pet “somebodies,” and you will win the bigot vote as well. Political fortunes have been made this way. New catch phrase: Selective Inclusion.

Doctor of Journalistics: No, that’s not a typo meaning “Doctor of Journalism.” Journalistics is the new science of broadcasting, not what is actually happening, any fool can do that, but what you want people to think is happening. Huge dif. Old school schools are turning out unemployable Journalism Majors eager to report world events, dig for facts, obtain quotes from the main players, follow a strict code of ethics and present their findings in a neutral manner and yada yada yada… How yesterday is that? The Journalistician, on the other hand, cuts right to the chase and tells us that Most People Think such-and-such, or better yet, “most right-thinking people,” and only then report the news!

We here at Bobcrespo.com University know that humans want to be right, want to be in some semblance of harmony with their neighbors, and so we teach our Journalisticians to: (1) React with Realistic Irrational Anger (RIA) to a great many things and Weep Buckets (WB) over meaningless things, and (2) edit every story to make it seem that our way of life is being threatened by Godless drug addicted transvestites. Some people desperately want to be part of Most People and will repeat anything you make up off the top of your head as if were proven truth. You will master these skills and many more at BC.CU. This degree is an express elevator to the top of the Big Media pile!

Doctor of Corporatology: Move over Harvard MBAs with all your supply and demand, market forces and good quality for fair prices claptrap! Have you not been following the events of the past decade? Market Motivation is where it’s at! Screw what is actually being produced! Forecast Economics is what we teach, to sell your bonds and other financial products based on what they will be worth 2 years from now according to your own best guess. And who’s to say for sure the economy won’t double in size? If anyone disagrees, let them make up their own rosy forecast and sell their own damned bonds!

That’s the beauty of today’s market, any number can play! To most people, the market is what the traders say it is, not what is really is. There are countless “expert” forecasters selling their own best guesses to their loyal clients for a tidy profit. That’s called Advanced Perception Management and a valuable executive tool in a world where fortunes change hands without so much as a clothespin being manufactured, but based instead on the sacred belief that by God, we sure could make a darned fine clothespin if we felt like it! Nothing less than a Doctorate from Bobcrespo.com Online University will equip you to navigate these high stakes poker games using everyone else’s money!

On the above advanced degrees, great fortunes are made. American Business has evolved past the surly physical world of products, assets and production, and into the ethereal realm of gossamer dreams bought and sold with the speed of a game of hot potato, and the last one holding the bag loses. Politics, Science and Journalism have evolved along these lines as well, having finally fallen more into line with what most people think.

Let the “control freaks,” “alarmists” and “truth nuts,” who spend their days with their noses buried in books or dubious “scientific journals” in their dark and mysterious laboratories and libraries worry about “digging for facts” when the only ones that matter are the Facts of Life, namely that he who is prepared, eats, and he who is best prepared, eats the most! The Age of Perception Management is upon us and we believe that people deserve an online university they can be proud of, one that supports this nation, our flag, our cherished common values and our valiant soldiers and blessed veterans! Enroll now and get and American Flag lapel pin for a reasonable price!

It’s that time again! 2010 is a now a memory and here at bobcrespo.com it is our honor once again to present the annual Two Quick Slaps Awards. Looking back over this past year, there has been no shortage of deserving candidates who have exhibited behavior more than worthy of being the recipient of two quick hard slaps from our guest panel. Rotten behavior was of such breathtaking range and depth in 2010 that it was extremely difficult to narrow it down to the winners, and we respect any disagreement readers may have with our final selections. Without further ado we present The 2010 Quick Slap Awards:

The No More Mister Nice Guy Award: And the Two Quick Slaps go to …. Jay Leno! Once the domain of perennial favorites Mel Gibson, Charley Sheen and Gary Busey, Jay earned his slaps in 2010 by stabbing his Tonight Show successor Conan O”Brien in the back and reclaiming his job after only a few months, which is how long it took for it to be painfully obvious that America didn’t feel like watching him do an exact replica of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno under a different name at 10 PM.

The Sky Is Falling Award (Right Wing): Glen Beck wins his second straight set of Two Quick Slaps for fear mongering, lying, shilling for corporate interests and his overall hallucinatory demeanor, wresting the coveted award from years of domination by Bull O’Really and Flush Limberger.

The Sky Is Falling Award (Left Wing): Perennial winner Keith Olberman wins again for his cartoonish pomposity and unfounded accusations above and beyond the call of blowhardiness. Give the man Two Quick Slaps!

New Category! The 2010 Agricultural Bioterrorism Award: Monsanto Corporation Chairman and CEO Hugh Grant, for imitating the crop and livestock-annihilating James Bond villain Ernst Blofield, complete with shiny bald head and thick accent, bent on replacing the whole world’s crops with inferior seeds of his own design and bending humanity to his will. Two Quick Slaps to you, sir!

The How Can We Miss You If You Won’t Go Away Award: Given to the public figure that most wears out their welcome, the 2010 choice was a no brainer. Give Two Quick Slaps to Brett Favre for retiring from and coming back to pro football once too often. After an outstanding Hall Of Fame career as a quarterback with the Green Bay Packers, Mr. Favre couldn’t bring himself to quit with his reputation intact. Instead, he ruined the football programs of 2 other teams in pursuit of 300 consecutive games started and fell one short of than meaningless goal, and so consoled himself by e-mailing pictures of his penis to a cheerleader and getting seriously injured on the field after an embarrassing season-long display of  eroding skills. Good riddance, and Two Quick Slaps to you!

The I’m So Fucking Weird That Maybe You Should Elect Me President Award: Unprecedented in the annals of the Two Quick Slap Awards, there were too many candidates to choose a winner. Readers may insert the lunatic of their choice here, while bobcrespo.com gives Honorable Mention to Dennis Kucinich, Mit Romney, Newt Gingrich and Tina Fey. Let’s just call it a tie and give all our favorite Bizarro World politicians Two Quick Slaps!

The Earnest Rock Star Award: Here at bobcrespo.com, we prefer our Rock & Roll Stars be wild raving lunatics who think about nothing but their music and the only things they want to “Save” are vintage guitars. Hey, when you can write songs like John Lennon, then we’ll talk about you being an half as effective an activist! As well as writing half the Beatles‘ catalogue, he made Nixon’s Enemies List, was interviewed by the giants of journalism of his day,  and who’s name is practicaly synonymous with peace! You get praised by cable hairdos who smile when they speak. And what the fuck is so important about keeping Isolated Amazon Tribes isolated except to taunt the poor sons-of-bitches with our iPods and smoothy blenders? The Two Quick Slaps For Pomposity And Condescension Above And Beyond The Call Of Celebrity goes to… Bono! Now take your slaps, son, and go make that one great record your band might have left in you.

The Just For The Hell Of It Because You’re Stupid And Annoying Award: The 2010 prize for all around worthlessness goes to Sarah Palin, Queen of Being Famous For Being Famous. Normally this goes to some airhead celebrity like Paris Hilton who has no job or talent but plenty of money, but Ms. Palin more than qualified, she dominated, when she quit her job as Governor of Alaska because there was just so much more of America where  she felt it her duty to Spread The Stupid. And spread the the stupid she certainly has, exhibiting a jaw-dropping breadth and depth of stupidity not seen since the McCarthy Era! Unfortunately, Ms. Palin refused to collect her award in person since we couldn’t pay her $100,000 for the night, so feel free to bestow her Two Quick Slaps if you see her.

The Lifetime Achievement Award: For a lifetime spent in the public spotlight, almost every single moment of it spent getting on people’s nerves in a big way, The Two Quick Slaps Lifetime Achievement award goes to… Donald Trump! That’s right, it’s The Donald, ladies and gentlemen, past winner of four Two Quick Slap Awards in both the Bad Architecture and Broadcasting Ineptitude categories, who has  shown a tireless capacity for being a Supreme Asshole, an ego-ridden bully and a serial trophy wife hunter. Give the man his Two Quick Slaps and send him on his way!

Like a great many websites lining the Information Superhighway, at bobcrespo.com we try to be civic minded virtual citizens by providing all sorts of free information and services, whether or not anyone sought it. We all now have the means to learn everything there is to know about copper rivets, Collared Peccaries or building a meth lab in a school locker, not exactly fascinating fields of study for most of us, but people send you this stuff and you absentmindedly read it or view it in the vague hope it will be entertaining, and before you know it you know more than you ever wanted to know about King Olav IV of Sweden.

The world is changing faster than our ability to adjust to its new realities. You may find yourself dreading every Steve Jobs press conference, seemingly designed to expose you in particular as being hopelessly behind the times and unlikely to catch up as he calmly informs us that that last gadget you couldn’t make heads or tails of 3 months ago is now completely antiquated. The Information Age can be pretty abrasive to the egos of the tech-challenged.

Ages of Man used to unfold slowly over many centuries, changing only gradually, all but imperceptible to individual generations of men. This went on until somebody stumbled upon Fire, Bronze or Iron and then we’d start a New Age of Man based on these substances. The Ages overlapped a little bit, and the first people to embrace each New Age of Man with it’s newfangled substance were generally considered heretics, sorcerers and/or madmen. As such they were either shunned, deported or slain in sacrifice to some God or another until finally one of them figured out how to make a better weapon, and then they and their God were in charge of the New Age.

In this way the peoples of the Earth were distributed, with those having the better swords and spears inhabiting the choicest, most hospitable and productive real estate, while those slow to embrace the new technology were relegated to becoming the bitter, wretched inhabitants of the deserts, frozen barren wastes and malarial swamps of this world.

No one willingly moved to the Sahara Desert, but it was either that or becoming slaves of the Better Weapons People and put to work building them pyramids and luxury condos while some sideways-walking Egyptian overseer with an attitude laid in on thick with the cat-o-nine-tails.

And so it went throughout history; slow, imperceptible changes in the fortunes of mankind, with nations and empires rising and falling, different tribes taking turns living large in lush valleys or languishing in barren heaps of rubble raising scrawny goats, until the invention of ocean-going vessels and camels brought traders to nearly every remote outpost of humanity.

Disparate cultures and civilizations communicated, intermingled and swapped ideas and material goods, always a prelude to sending in the Marines and attempting to eradicate said disparate culture and their crazy ideas, and then stealing all their material goods and enslaving the survivors. Nothing says “My god is tougher than your God” like putting the enemy king’s severed head on a pike and taking his wife and daughters as your concubines.

Where traders go, conquering armies follow, and The Age of Navigation and The Age of Walking Thousands of Miles Across Asia Behind Ornery Camels eventually ushered in the The Age of Colonialism, a chance for filthy, inbred and ignorant European kings to reinvent themselves as a combination Julius Caesar/Alexander the Great simply because they were about 20 years ahead of the rest of the world in Weapons Tech.

This was a Glorious Age For Europe, with even the tiniest slivers of reclaimed sea beds masquerading as nations like Holland claiming Vast Empires Carved Out of Other People’s Countries. For the conquered lands, not so much with the glory. Civilizations were destroyed, national wealth and natural resources stolen, and billions subjugated in the name of God and King.

It seems both the Iron Age and the Age of Navigation weren’t kind to those slow to embrace their new technologies, and over the course of several centuries, the world was transformed into enclaves of Haves and Have-Nots, with the Have-Nots being in the vast majority, but powerless to change things while the Conquistadors had all the cannons.

Then somebody stumbled upon Factories and The Industrial Revolution was born, with the resulting machinery transforming daily life for the better in a matter of a few short decades for the Haves, and Raining Mass-Produced-Slaughter on the Have-Nots as each generation of weapons grew larger and more deadly. This had a fairly traumatic and decidedly negative impact on the daily lives of most people.

To say that the industrial Revolution didn’t work out equitably for all would be a huge understatement, even in the victorious nations, where millions of citizens labored in conditions resembling Dante’s 9 Circles of Hell in order to provide sturdy wrought iron gates for the castles of their “betters.”

Then a couple of bicycle mechanics from Ohio got this brainstorm that men ought to be able to fly and Bingo!, the Age of Aviation flew in. Never a people to take a beneficial gift at face value, humanity thought how much better it would be if these new flying machines could also kill a lot of people, and within 40 years a whole bunch of the Great Cities of The World were bombed from the sky until Europe and Asia was dotted with Great Smoking Ruins, the work of many centuries destroyed, 60 million killed and a world gone mad.

The Age of Aviation became The Age Of Blowing Stuff Up in a Really Big Way when enterprising scientists collaborated on freeing the almost limitless power of the split atom (another potential bonanza for humanity that we fucked up completely) and turning it into a weapon that could lay waste to an entire city and all its inhabitants in the blink of an eye, a chore that used to take guys like Caesar and Napoleon the better part of a year to accomplish.

And like any other weapon, why build only one when you can build thousands and thousands and thousands of them? Before long the world was bristling with nuclear warhead-tipped rockets like some earth-eating porcupine, with of course only the Have nations owning these things while the Have-Nots cowered in fear hoping that the Haves wouldn’t kill everybody on earth 10 times over like they tried to do during World War 2. With so many itchy trigger finger fingers on so many nuclear bombs, it seemed as if the Final Age of Man was upon us, The Age of Kiss Our Asses Goodbye.

Enter the computer. Cooler heads in the countries with all the nuclear weapons (The Haves) figured out that they weren’t any good as anything but deterrents since their enemies had them too, but were very worried about the many psychotic hotheads in their respective ranks flying off the handle and launching nuclear missiles in a fit of pique. That just would not do. They needed a way to figure out how to keep on building bigger and bigger bombs, but also a way not to launch any of them! Why kill the Golden Goose of Imperialism for everybody?

And so the Haves Nations installed computer filters in their weapons systems, providing several complex layers of safety codes, entrusted to several different individuals, between the insane rage necessary to blow up the world and the actual doing of it. Miraculously, the Cold War came and went without a single nuclear weapon being fired in the heat of anger, in no short measure due to the Fail-Safe protocols and their computer-enforced cooling off period.

Not only did computers help humans not blow up everything on earth, they also helped us send a bunch of guys to the Moon. Of course to accomplish this, those house-sized early computers had to be greatly reduced in size to fly into outer space, and so silicon chips were invented, things were super-miniaturized, and the Space Age was launched. That Age flew by in in a matter of decades, or until we hit the Stop Sign of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity.

That spoilsport smartypants Albert Einstein explained that nothing can travel faster than light, not unless we invent some shortcuts through the space/time continuum. Until someone yells “Eureka” in some physics lab somewhere when they invent the Portable Black Hole, The Space Age is on hold until we can figure out how to reach the stars in under 10,000 years. For the first time, an Age of Man was born and died within individual people’s lifetimes.

Not to worry. It seemed that we were so pleased with our computers for not blowing the up the world and getting the Space Age started, we decided that these would be neat things to have in every home, sort of like a toaster that does something other than burn your breakfast. And so the Personal Computer was born and then the cell phone, and then Youtube and Spam, followed closely by laptop computers, phones smarter than we are, and iPads, whatever the hell it is that they are supposed to do.

The Information Age is upon us with such an unrelenting vengeance that some of us reeling technophobes are calling it The Too-Much-Information Age, and frankly losing touch with reality. It is not uncommon to find us accosting random teenagers on the street and begging them to come to our homes and teach us how to deal with our high tech devices.

They tell us to hang on for a year or so and the necessary learning chips will be installed directly into our skulls, giving the term “personal computer” a whole new meaning. While on the face of it this sounds absurd, signs do point to a New Age of Man approaching more swiftly than ever, a time when these ultra-powerful computers and communications devices will be miniaturized to the point of near-invibility so that the only way we can handle them is to have them installed in our brain synapses.

Of course now we have to worry that our speed of thought will never be swift enough to accommodate these super-fast devices, and hope against hope that we don’t end our days building pyramids for our modern Pharoahs from instructions Tweeted into our brains by the High Geeks, while those who have mastered the new technology will be laying around eating peeled grapes and conducting orgies behind their sturdy gates.

On the bright side, maybe the computers in our brains will do us the same favor it did for the Cold Warriors and put a few roadblocks in our path to warfare and ruin. And maybe even send a few more of us to the Moon.

This has been a special history report from bobcrespo.com on exactly what happened.

Normally at bobcrespo.com, we don’t go in for predicting the future, preferring a more reality-based forum, or at least as close to reality as it gets around here. This year, however, we have the privilege to unveil the first Computer-Generated New Year’s Predictions. There’s a great new program available from Maxihard called Data Pool, a program that holds every single bit of information about everything ever. Now, some people might be interested in Data Pool to find out stuff about dinosaurs, or what Julius Caesar had for lunch on the Ides of March back in the day, but that’s just so yesterday.

At bobcrespo.com, being The Official Website of 2011, well, we felt obligated to give you a Glimpse of the Future. You want historical and intellectual, get your own copy of Data Pool! There’s lots of cool info in there, including the Secret To Life and who killed JFK and the like, but we went right to the “Probabilities Chart” and scrolled down to The Future.

And guess what? Taking the history of everything that ever happened into account, Data Pool sorts out the probabilities, evaluates the players, computes the odds and spits out a likely list of possible, probable and almost definite scenarios, along with the odds of them occurring. The following list is from Data Pool’s 98.6% Guaranteed Predictions For 2011. Pretty bold talk for a computer program, but there you have it. Here goes:

Lindsay Lohan will make headlines for giving a great performance in an important movie. And getting drunk. Okay, just kidding about the first part. What, a computer can’t have a sense of humor? Hater.

Sarah Palin will say something incredibly stupid. Millions of seemingly well adjusted people will trip over themselves defending her. She’ll do it again. So will they.

Newscasters nationwide will continue to be shocked and mystified by the changing of the seasons and the variety and force of the weather that human beings experience on the only planet they have ever inhabited.

A flood, an earthquake and a volcano will happen somewhere, triggering the usual End Of Days jabber from dimwits who have somehow been granted a Prime Time Pulpit.

The 24/7 Cable news outlets will continue to create stories out of nothing in order to give themselves something to do.

A Hollywood director will be given an obscene budget to make a movie about silly computer-generated violence with a confusing story, weak character development and overpaid stars playing the same person they play in every movie. There will be many explosions, gory deaths and impressive special effects and the director will be hailed as a genius. Meanwhile, the 15 other movies with interesting stories and compelling characters that could have been made with all that money will not make it past the ADD juveniles running the studios.

A senator, several congressmen and a handful of governors will engage in disgraceful behavior. All their wives will be anointed Modern Saints.

The nation’s financial industries will continue to play high stakes poker with other people’s money, resulting in Lamborghinis, Mediterranean villas and Picassos for the bankers, and bread lines for the nation’s workers.

Another fat rich bastard will announce that unemployment insurance is taking away people’s incentive to look for a job, thus depriving him of having the honor of selling the Last American Job overseas. A lot of underemployed fools who think they can be this guy someday will agree with him.

In a revival of ancient Egypt’s practice of putting many thousands of people  to work building a monument to their Pharoah, yet another repressive regime will begin work on the new World’s Tallest Building in a country few people have even the slightest interest in visiting, gleaming tower or no gleaming tower.

Gay marriages will begin landing in divorce court, redefining messy divorce and prompting the gay community to wonder what the hell they were thinking, bitch!

The TV show “COPS” will applaud the shrinking economy, dispelling their fears that they were running out of poor white trash to publicly humiliate.

On a related note, poor white trash will continue to lend their political support to the people who keep them poor, calling it a “cultural pride” issue.

Critics will declare that Rock & Roll is dead while they promote some anemic-looking alienated weenie in a black turtleneck that makes annoying technology-based noise somewhat similar to music. Consumers will ignore them and rock on.

More people will vote every week for their favorite contestants on a reality show than will vote in the national elections. (100% guaranteed results for this one, thank you very much!)

Legislators in Arizona, after attending a history seminar informing them that The Great Wall of China was never effective in keeping out unwanted aliens, will halt construction on the Great Wall of Arizona and immediately break ground for The Great Flaming Moat of America. It will be announced that British Petroleum will win the contract to supply the necessary crude oil with a bold plan to build a pipeline to Arizona from the surface of the Gulf of Mexico.

Steve Jobs will continue to make a nuisance of himself, introducing a new iPhone or iPad every 3 weeks, informing the millions who purchased his expensive “state-of-the-art” products that this one renders them obsolete. And each one will truly be a marvel of sophisticated but accessible technology, except that it lacks this one little feature that would make it perfect. See ya’ in 3 weeks!

It will dawn on computer gamers that the “Station” in Play Station is short for stationary and they were getting chubby, pasty and disconnected and will as one people drop the stupid things, go outside and get some exercise, a decent complexion and some rewarding human contact. Tweeters will see the light and join them. NOT! Just seeing if you people were paying attention. I’m a computer program, not a miracle worker.

Happy New Year 2011 to the Human Race from Data Pool!

For a great many citizens of the northeastern parts of the United States, the past couple of days have found them snowbound by a vast blizzard. This was one those doozies where even snow ploughs are getting stuck in the drifts. Any thoughts of getting out and about are quashed with a quick peek out the window. So now you’re stuck in the house for a couple of days, wondering what to do with yourself, maybe thinking you can catch up on all those household chores you’ve been meaning to get around to.

Or not. You can shovel your sidewalk and dig out your car since that’s the reflexive thing to do, but this time you’re not going anywhere until the snow plows reach your street, hopefully before you miss too much work and everyone realizes that the place functions just fine without you and whatever it is you do all day long. So there’s that pressure to deal with. How to pass the time?

Well, we here at bobcrespo.com figure “to each, his own ” when it comes to dealing with cabin fever. Some prefer drinking themselves numb, others curl up with a good book and a cup of hot chocolate, some of us build snowmen with the little ones and then go inside for board games and jigsaw puzzles, while some people actually do catch up with their domestic chores (Go figure those nuts!). There are some housebound activities, however, we feel are important to avoid. Don’t go here:

Law & Order Marathons: At this point every American has seen every episode of Law & Order at least 5 times. Besides, Law & Order Marathons are reserved for bouts of insomnia and aggressive procrastination.

Home Remodeling: Who cares if you’ve got all the tools and materials handy? They’ve been there for months waiting for you to get off your ass, Christmas has come and gone, and now you want to make the house all dusty? Dream on, Bob The Builder, and go shovel the driveway!

Learn a New Language: Unless you live alone, no one wants to hear your endless mispronunciation of getting directions to the rest room in German.

Rearrange your closets: You just did that, digging out your boots, parkas, gloves, scarves and snow shovels. Get used to the wet newspapers, the clutter by the door and not being able to find anything until further notice.

Practice your “Flaming Batons” juggling act: This one is self-explanatory, with a double advisory for those with real Christmas trees, which by this time are generally a headline waiting to happen.

Fix the Fireplace: There’s nothing like a cozy fire to while away the snowbound hours with loved ones, but if you cannot remember the last time you actually used your fireplace, this is not an optimal time to find out whether or not your carbon monoxide detector is working.

Read or watch anything about The Donner Party: Nothing good can come of this.

Make life-altering decisions: You’re snowbound, and so not in your right mind. You’re covered in black soot, your head is spinning from Law & Order episodes, German lessons and visions of cannibalism. This is not the time to decide you really want to chuck it all and join the circus as a juggler.