They say that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Well, yeah, it does. It also makes you an absolute buffoon for our endless absolute amusement.

Well, after only one therapy session with Iran’s Supreme Leader, a particularly frisky and uncontrollable Mullah named Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the Mullah Whisperer had declared this creature to be incorrigible. Yesterday bobcrespo.com dispatched the Mullah Whisperer to Tehran to straighten the guy out and he got right on it, taking the red eye to the Iranian capitol straight from Lebanon, where he was just finishing up a successful training session with some formerly rabid Mullahs there. He interviewed the subject and immediately began behavioral training, but it seems that this is one Mullah that is completely averse to adaptation to social situations, exhibiting a complete disregard for others.

It was a stunning admission from the Mullah Whisperer, who was hired by this website with the simple aim of getting Iran off the front page of every newspaper, not really caring one way or the next what goes on in Iran. We have no desire to tell the Iranian people what sort of nation they should run, so long as it doesn’t hog all the headlines when we drink our morning coffee and peruse the newspapers. Ayatollah Khamenei  is the guy who’s making the place crazy, so we figured he was the prime candidate for having a few sessions with the Mullah Whisperer. Imagine our chagrin when The Whisperer said the guy should be euthanized after only one session? He said this was one of those rare instances where it was immediately obvious that this was one very mad, very rabid Mullah with no chance of being rehabilitated.

The Mullah Whisperer’s words were borne out just this morning, when every newspaper’s front page sported Khamenei’s likeness and the lead story was how Iran will never, ever give in to demands for reform and that further crackdowns can be expected. While admitting that his government sort of overdid it in the election-stealing process, where they had their guy winning by a landslide of more votes than there are Iranian voters, he declared this act of electoral thievery was no violation (!) of Iranian law. He then went on to outline a number of whacky conspiracy theories, another sure sign of delusional tendencies. When things go south for guys like this, it’s never their fault, it’s always some shadowy conspiracy against them. He’s unleashing his Revolutionary Guards to kill, pummel and gas people in the streets and is locking up protesters and political figures at at impressive clip, pretty much ensuring his own eventual downfall.

So look for Iran to be in in the forefront of the news for a good long while. Like it or not, that’s where all the juicy stories of mindless government brutality and revolution will be coming from, always big sellers in the news. On the plus side, however, Iran will no longer be the perceived threat to regional and international security it has been of late. Nations in the throes of revolution and civil war are rarely big players on the world stage until they sort out their own internal troubles. And as far as them obtaining nuclear weapons? Well, thanks to the Mad Mullah, that’s on the back burner for the foreseeable future. Looks like it’s back to basics weapons-wise for Iran, with stones and molotov cocktails thrown by the protesters, prompting the predictable response of tear gas, bullets and truncheons from the authorities.

So maybe sending in The Mullah Whisperer was all to the good after all, especially since with his guarantee of success or your money back lets bobcrespo.com off the hook for his hefty fee. His unsuccessful session with Ayatollah Khamenei also served to inform the world just what sort of false threat Iran was in the first place. It is a nation filled with regular, normal people being led by a very crazy, delusional and violent government, sort of like it was here under Bush The Younger and his Supreme Leader, Shotgun Dick Cheney. Just like it was for those 8 years in America, the Iranian president does not run their government. Which makes the idea of rigging the election of their president so lopsidedly a puzzling thing. Had they made it look like their boy won by a more modest margin, that would have mollified the opposition into thinking they came close, we’ll get’ em next time and all that other delusional bullshit, thus avoiding a lot of headaches.

It seems delusion and misconception are the main ingredients of Middle East politics, and now this Supreme Dunderhead Khamenei has let them rule him completely. If he had allowed his man to win by a whisker instead of a landslide, there would be no riots and no revolution and he could have blithely continued about his business of being an international thorn in everybody’s side. But those guys never see forest for the trees. Once you get the word Supreme in front of your name, your ego is bound to get out of control. All he had to do was Google Diana Ross to confirm this, but no, Khamenei just had to follow his worst instincts and pour gasoline on the fire, and now we’re stuck with his headlines until somebody finally puts him to sleep and restores order in Iran. When even The Mullah Whisperer can’t reach you, your days are numbered.

If you act like a doormat, don’t complain when people walk on you. Doormats have no other use.

If you’re like a lot of us, you’re getting a little ticked off at the nation of Iran hogging all the headline space in your newspaper. Okay, we got it, they held an election for president and the outcome was rigged, which really isn’t the beef among Iranians. It’s the fact that it was rigged to give the incumbent a landslide victory that pisses them off so much and sends them shrieking into the streets. If the government had made it a close but respectable rip-off, we’d be reading about our own crooked politicians instead of theirs, and the the world would go back to not thinking about Iran all that much.

And it’s not even like their president gets to run the damned country, either. There’s an old crackpot in robes called The Supreme Leader that actually holds all the reins of power in Iran. This guy’s named Ali Khamenei. That’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei to you. Seems he’s the successor to one of the most miserable looking bastards to ever start a revolution, the late, unlamented Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeni, he of the overthrowing of the Shah and the American Embassy hostage taking back in 1979. It seems he didn’t like the way things were shaping up in Iran back then, people getting educations, women not wearing potato sacks and the nation as a whole being a stable, modern, moderate and prosperous one.

So Khomeni started the Iranian Revolution and all of a sudden Iran was the Islamic Republic of Iran, run by a group of his fellow mullahs with him as Supreme Leader, industriously leading Iran back to a time that never was, some made-up fantasy about when Muslim women wore potato sacks and Persia (Iran) was the light of the world. The fact that the chador is a relatively recent innovation created by men who fear women and prefer teenage boys and the last time the Persian Empire dominated the world was over a thousand years before Islam was invented didn’t stop these delusional clowns from imposing the sugar plum visions in their heads on 70 million people.

The world learned all it needed to know about Ruhollah Khomeini when a video was shown shortly after he took power of a ten year old naked girl with her freshly severed hands hung on a string around her neck being paraded through the streets with other so-called “criminals and enemies of the state.” As she stumbled along weeping, holding her bleeding stumps high trying not to bleed to death while being spat upon and stoned by Khomeini’s henchman, you wondered how long such a cruel and insane regime could endure. Well, 40 years so far, and they’ve cost their nation the world’s respect and their own freedom, and have done and said some very despicable things. The final straw, apparently, for decent Iranians was the rigging of a sham election. Why anyone needs to rig a meaningless election anyway is a mystery, but no one knows what goes on under the turbans of Ayatollahs.

And now they’ve gone too far. These people are hogging headline space as if this was important to anyone outside Iran. It is not. It’s sort of up to Iranians to straighten out Iran. A lot of world leaders have been trying to demonize the whole nation in recent years, ignoring the fact that Iran is a modern, fairly westernized and educated nation. The fact that their crazy mullah government has been for years funding terror networks is certainly not the fault of the entire nation, any more than a grandmother from Spokane was responsible for Bush The Younger’s heinous invasion of Iraq. And all their rumblings about building nuclear weapons? So far those efforts have been as real as their invented glorious past.

Anytime you have a theocracy brutally repressing a nation, you’re bound to see a troubled land torn against itself, and that’s what Iran is right now. And it’s not like the rest of us can do much of anything about it. The government there is already trying to blame Western media and governments for their own ineptitude in rigging elections. They say the rest of the world has inflamed Iranian citizens with propaganda. Well, if by that they mean that the rest of the world by and large holds honest elections and doesn’t have any Supreme Leaders in charge of the elected governments, well, maybe they have a point. The very existence of a better way is a temptation to others to try to make their own lives better.

So, barring the rest of us imitating the ways of Iran, what’s to be done about these crazy mullahs so we can have our newspapers back? It’s time to call in The Mullah Whisperer! Yes, there’s a guy who specializes in soothing unruly Ayatollahs, those frisky scamps who just won’t listen and ignore all attempts at training. The Mullah Whisperer insists that they are not intrinsically bad, and don’t need be put to sleep, at least outside of a mad, rabid few anyway. He says they’re misunderstood creatures and can be persuaded by his own tried and true methods when all other avenues have proved fruitless.

Well, judging by events in Iran, it looks like the Ayatollahs over there are really chewing up the furniture and crapping on the carpet, so this is clearly a job for The Mullah Whisperer. The peace of mind of an entire nation is at stake here, to say nothing of the rest of the world wanting to read about something else over their morning cup of coffee for a change. Towards this end, bobcrespo.com is volunteering to commission The Mullah Whisperer to fly to Tehran and straighten out the Ayatollahs. His job will be to convince these unruly Supreme Council people that the careful lessons and training they received from their mothers is all they need to know, and from now on it’s the Golden Rule or The Mullah Kennel for them.

No more calling anybody Great Satans, no more funding of suicide bombers and no more threatening to annihilate their neighbors. He will gently but forcefully persuade these Mullahs that being well-behaved is in everybody’s best interest. The Mullah Whisperer is eager to tackle this challenge, and is now rehearsing his “bad Mullah, bad Mullah,” speech and packing a lot of Mullah treats like severed hands and porno pictures of teenaged boys as a reward for good behavior. He’s even bringing rolled up newspapers in case they need a sharp rap on the snout or a peek at what kind of headline hogs they have become. It’s time to reclaims the news.

Don’t flatter yourself that you are too smart for this world to hold your interest. Smarter people than you found plenty to do. If you are always bored, chances are you’re pretty damned dull yourself.

The head coach of the Iraqi National Karate team was slain yesterday. This supreme master of the marshal arts was bested by someone trained in the ancient western art of gun. Just goes to show you that there’s always a bigger fish in the sea, or at least one with a more effective weapon than all that chopping and kicking…

American officials have urged Iranians on both sides of the Iran post-presidential election rioting to back off on the violence. 13 people were killed in one day, or about 76 fewer human beings than are murdered in America every day. Just goes to show you that one nation’s shocking violent death toll is only another day at the office in another nation…

Speaking of post-election protests in Iran, reports are surfacing that the social networking tool Twitter played a large part in organizing protests and circumventing the ban on news reporting. It is already being called the Twitter Revolution. Wonder if they use OMG? Or maybe it’s OMA, for Oh My Allah?Probably not too many lol’s or emoticons being used when the tear gas and bullets start flying, but just maybe some comrades in arms have made a new bff in the heat of battle. Just goes to show you that even the dumbest ideas can come in handy every so often, as long as you don’t exceed 140 characters…

So now the Republican Congressmen are Twittering back and forth, comparing themselves to the Iranian rioters and accusing the American government of isolating them. Well, they can’t blame the administration, since it was the American people who voted them off the In-Power Island. Doesn’t stop these former power abusers from crying sour grapes all day every day. Just goes to show that some people never get it, never will and never get over themselves…

Steve Jobs, the multi-billionaire brain behind Apple computers and ipods, has just received a liver transplant. Now if they could only do something about giving him a new personality, maybe he’d be a semi-tolerable person. Just goes to show you that wealth and brains don’t guarantee health or happiness. Look at Bill Gates, who’s the richest guy on Earth but is still stuck being Bill Gates, possibly the dullest person ever.

Speaking of strange individuals, it looks like computer hackers are finally getting their due, sort of. The United States government and its military forces are forming new units dedicated to fighting computer sabotage and attacking enemy computer systems. Guess who they’ll be forced to hire and provide with security clearances? That’s right, all those weird geeks with the vampire complexions, Star Trek fixations and inflatable girlfriends who are really good at hacking into supposedly electronically secure data bases. Just goes to show you that maybe you should have been a lot nicer to the Nerd Herd back in high school now that they will have the official power to hack your identity into tiny little pieces…

Susan Boyle, the frumpy spinster who knocked everybody out with her great singing voice on the TV show “Britain’s Got Talent,” lost in the final voting to some American-style break dancers dressed as L.A. street thugs, the kind of act that went out of style around here just as it was getting off the ground about 20 years ago. The dance group is called Diversity and consists of ten attractive young dancers leaping around and contorting like there was an electric short circuit onstage that was sending strong jolts of current through them. Just goes to show you why music and video aren’t always a match made in heaven, and that young and attractive trumps forty-something and dowdy every time, no matter how much or how little talent anyone has…

The acclaimed scientific study that purported to identify the gene for depression has turned out to be faulty science that doesn’t stand up to scientific scrutiny. One result is the original team that did the lab work and published their findings is said to be suffering from extreme depression, indicating that there just might be an irony gene floating around in our DNA somewhere. Which just goes to show you that this whole identification of specific genes for specific personality traits has a very long way to go before these God-complex people can offer consumers custom-made babies.

In a startling outbreak of common sense, British schools are scrapping the grammar rule “i before e except after c.” There were always far too many exceptions to that weird rule, so many that it seems to have kicked in the depression gene in a lot of schoolchildren trying to figure out the crazy rules to English grammar. Just goes to show you that the British aren’t all as dumb as the break dancing fans over there.

The animal rights organization PETA is going ballistic at New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg for catching and killing a couple of thousand geese who were endangering human life at New York’s airports by getting sucked into jet engines and making the planes crash. They’re also peeved at President Obama for swatting a fly. Which just goes to show you how far up their asses some people have buried their heads. They might have earned some humanitarian points for themselves if they had volunteered to ship those geese to some of the 36,000 people who die of starvation every single day somewhere on this planet, but they’d never do that since human life holds little value to them, except maybe their own lives, such as they are.

Some people consider themselves intense and let you know it. The rest of us think they’re irritating jerks who should go be intense someplace else.

The following is a excerpt from the flight log of an alien space ship visiting the Earth. The audio recording was found at the top-secret wreckage of a flying saucer in a corn field in Iowa about 3 weeks ago. Surprisingly, the aliens piloting the craft speak English, but with a very slight New Zealand accent, sort of like Sam Neill. The names of the aliens are Kenny and Lorenzo, another big surprise. Bobcrespo.com was fortunate enough to obtain a transcript of the flight recordings, don’t ask how. Check out what aliens think of us:

Kenny: “Well, I don’t know about you, pal, but I’ll be glad to get off this one horse planet.”

Lorenzo: “Amen to that, brother, but I will miss the babes. You have your report ready?”

Kenny “You kidding? What the hell am I gonna tell Central abut this crazy place? They told us to keep our work on the QT and only interview people in isolated areas!  What the hell do they expect?”

Lorenzo: “What else? The usual drill, you know, that we’ve been negotiating with their best an brightest, proposing cultural exchanges, trade missions, the usual routine…”

Kenny “Yeah, right, like that mullet hairdo jackass Slick! Or that dumbass lunatic in the mud hut in Tibet, what the hell was his name?”

Lorenzo: “Yeah, that was Narayan, the goat guy, the one who thought were riding a chariot from heaven.”

Kenny: “I thought we screwed up and accidentally brought somebody from out of the past again. ”

Lorenzo: “Don’t remind me. If Central ever finds out that Dick Cheney was our fault and he’s really an Inquisitor from the Middle Ages…”

Kenny: “Don’t even go there, Lorenzo! He really screwed things up for everybody, didn’t he? But don’t worry, no one will find out, and Cheney won’t ever let on, not after we installed all that hardware in him so he can stay alive for another 200 years. He’d have an awful lot of explaining to do…

Lorenzo: “It’s amazing none of these dopes caught on…”

Kenny: “Why should they? Half their planet lives just like they did a thousand years ago! Who would have thought we’d be flying halfway across the damned galaxy to interview people who plough their fields with a water buffalo or some redneck with a yard full of rusty cars in front of his double wide?”

Lorenzo: “Well, that’s the only people Central lets us talk to! They say we’d blow our cover if we pulled up into a big city.”

Kenny: “Tell me about it… Boy, if it wasn’t for those pole dancers and massage girls, this trip would have been a complete wash out! I gotta say, those happy endings are pretty cool…”

Lorenzo: “That’s another thing you’d better not mention in the report, Kenny. Central gets a little touchy about sex with humans.”

Kenny: “Can I help it if their fantasy was having sex with an alien? What were we supposed to do, say no?”

Lorenzo: “Well, we’ll just keep that between us, pal. We’ve got to do this by the book…”

Kenny: “Yeah, I guess I’ll just go with the standard bit about this planet not being ready to join the Galactic Guild, maybe try them again in a couple hundred more years…”

Loerenzo: “Yeah, you’re right. Maybe by then they’ll have that whole Middle East deal figured out.”

Kenny: “You kidding me, Lorenzo? These bozos haven’t been able to straighten out that hell hole in 5,000 years! What the hell difference will a couple of hundred years make?”

Lorenzo: “Well, we have to tell Central something, Kenny! We’ve been here for thirty five years and the only ones we’ve spoken to are trailer trash and people barely two steps removed from being hunter-gatherers!”

Kenny: “Well, we could put in for an extension… tell them we need more time to study the females of Earth…”

Lorenzo: “Maybe you’ve got something there. They’ll never buy our cultural negotiations nonsense, anyway. This way we could do an in-depth report on pole dancers and massage girls, tell Central we think they might have vital information or some crap, that the names Tiffany and Heather have some special place in Earth society…”

Kenny: “Yeah, that would keep them off our back for awhile….”

Lorenzo: “And keep us in happy endings too!”

Kenny: “Now you’re talking! No more dopes with pot bellies and baseball caps.”

Lorenzo: “No more toothless guys in robes with a camel and eleven skinny sheep he calls his harem in the middle of some dreary desert!”

Kenny: “No more crazy reindeer herders from Lapland or those little poison dart clowns in the Amazon!”

Lorenzo: “Only hot Earth babes with an alien fetish from now on! Let’s just take her out to orbit and figure this out.”

Kenny: “Yeah, go ahead…”

Lorenzo: “Me? I thought you had the wheel!”

Kenny: “You mean you’re not driving? Holly shi…”

And that’s where the tape ends. Apparently aliens aren’t all such ace pilots. The space ship was pretty mashed up but they’re very much like humans when it comes to building their aircraft, with everything being really flimsy except the black box recorder, which is completely indestructible. Why none of us ever thought to build our planes out of the same stuff we make the black boxes out of is a huge question, but at least it shows we have something in common with aliens in at least that one area. Anyway, no one is sure if these two aliens will be missed when they don’t report in to Central, whatever that is, but given the peaceful and somewhat limited scope of their mission that the black box recordings seem to indicate, no one seems all that worried about the prospect. It even looks like Tiffany and Heather are eagerly looking forward to another visit from spacemen, so here’s to happy endings.

The problem with living every day like it was your last is that most people’s last day is pretty darned traumatic, to say nothing of being completely unproductive.  Seems like a pretty stressful way to operate.

Our former Puppet-in-Chief Bush The Younger finally broke his silence about President Obama and reminded us once again how dopey he is. Apparently he’s making good enough progress in his ongoing effort to rid the state of Texas of brush that he could take some time out to make a speech. Well, perhaps the word speech is a bit generous, but he did make some incoherent statements that left reporters scratching their heads and our nation’s comedians scrambling for their note pads and tape recorders to compose new jokes. Just like old times!

Looks like Bush The Younger is once again peeved about his old boss Shotgun Dick Cheney speaking for his administration and making all the decisions, and once again showing why Cheney had to stage a coup following the 2000 election. The man still can’t put a coherent sentence together, but to be fair, it is not his fault. In order to speak coherently, one must be able to think straight, and that was never his long suit. Well-rehearsed sound bites were more his thing, stuff like “making America strong” and “If you don’t but a new car, the terrorists win.” Not exactly Abe Lincoln material, but the best he could do.

So now that Shotgun Dick and Dumbya are back in public life, maybe they can explain some of their policies. It’s been a while, enough time for reflection and illumination. Maybe tell us why they left the country in a shambles. Tell us exactly why they thought it would a great idea to copy Gestapo interrogation methods for Prisoners of War in violation of the Geneva Convention. Perhaps identify specifically the offending passages in The Bill of Rights that prompted them to try and eviscerate it. Maybe explain in detail why they decided that regulations were a bad idea for the industries handling the nation’s wealth. They also might shed some light on how they got the impression that the people of New Orleans were all incredibly good swimmers.

Or how about shedding some light on why they invaded the wrong nation? That seems like a pretty big faux pas. That’s not exactly like putting on mismatched socks, that’s a real beaut. Imagine FDR invading Argentina, wrecking the joint and hanging their leader following Pearl Harbor? You’d think lots of questions about his thought process would have arisen after something like that, no? Well, all the excuses offered at the time for invading Iraq were false, and the only plausible reason that remains is to get control of their oil, which has become a mission accomplished with this week’s signing of no-bid contracts by Exxon-Mobile, Total, Shell, and BP. Maybe Mister-I-Got-Six-Defferments-Cheney and Mister-I-Deserted-My-Post-In-Time-Of-War Bush can explain why they caused more than 4,000 American soldiers to die for Big Oil.

And maybe Bush The Younger can tell us why he said that Mr. Obama deserved his silence for the beginning of his presidency but not now. Why he didn’t think of that in 1999, before he ran for the presidency? We all deserved his silence and never having to get to know life under Shotgun Dick. People are buzzing about the poor state of democracy in Iran these days, forgetting the horrendous quality of Democracy in America for 8 long years. So let’s welcome these two clown princes back into the public eye. With the evil mastermind and his dimwitted puppet on display, they can serve as a potent reminder to never again elect anyone but the smartest guy in the room.