We live in a social world, heavily populated and in close proximity to one another. It is always best to be civil, kind and considerate in our dealings with other human beings. We must all endeavor to behave cordially and wisely toward our fellow man. Often in this turbulent, fast-paced modern world it is difficult to maintain our civility and from time to time we commit social lapses that may wound the feelings of others or get us into trouble. In the interest of public service Bob Crespo.com has compiled a short list of ill-considered replies to often asked questions. Avoid the following wrong answers:

The Question: “Have you been drinking, sir?”

The Wrong Answer: “Funny you should ask, officer. Care for a pop?”

The Question: “Would believe I’m past 40?”

The wrong answer: “Yes.”

The Question: “Don’t you adore my new hairdo?”

The Wrong Answer: “No.”

The Question: “What kind of dog do you like”

The Wrong Answer: “Sauteed.”

The Question: “My 401k needs help. Can you recommend a good investment counselor?”

The Wrong Answer: “I hear that guy Bernard Madoff is a real miracle worker.”

The Question: “Have you driven a Ford lately?”

The Wrong Answer: “I only make those clunkers. When I need a reliable ride, it’s corporate jet time!”

The Question: “Who should we appoint to fill that vacant Senate seat?”

The Wrong Answer: “The highest bidder, of course.”

The Question: “Do I look fat in this dress?”

The Wrong Answer:  This is a trick question. Any reply you can think of will be incorrect.

The Question: “Why is the sky blue?”

The Wrong Answer: “Because it hasn’t taken its Prozac today.”

The Question: “Why can’t we all just get along?”

The Wrong Answer: “We’ll get along just fine once we slay all those inferior dogs across the border!” 

The Question: “Why did the Muslim woman cross the road?”

The Wrong Answer: “Was she alone? In that case, she crossed the road to avoid being stoned to death for her defiant immodesty!”

The Question: “911 operator. What is your emergency?”

The Wrong Answer: “This is the CEO of Morgan/UnChastened Megagiant Credit Mortgage Investment Bank Lenders Unlimited. It seems we’ve run out of money again. Our whacky executives went a little hog wild betting wrong on oil futures, bad mortgages and black jack at Monte Carlo, the scamps. Be a dear and send over another $87 billion, would you?”

The Question: “Do you believe in miracles?”

The Wrong Answer: “Would you like to join my Palin 2012 committee?”

The Question: “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?”

The Wrong Answer: “Define ‘truth’, please.”

The Question: “Is that a Susquehanna hat you’re wearing?”

The Wrong Answer: “Yes”