Bob Crespo

Every day is the beginning of a new year, offering the hope of infinite possibilities, yet we only celebrate the official beginning of the New Year, January 1st. Considering what we humans do to most of the years given us, that’s probably all for the best. It’s a better idea to stay real and not get carried away with that infinite possibility nonsense and just try our best not to screw up this one too profoundly.

In Israel, the leadership there was pondering a 48 hour truce in their latest war with the Palestinians. It seems the Hamas thugs across the border were firing small rockets randomly into Israel for the past few weeks, causing a few deaths and some damage, but mostly terrorizing the populace with the randomness of the whole ordeal, never knowing who will be in the path of one of these rockets. So, Israel being Israel, they decided to amend the Biblical quotation of “an eye for an eye” to the more modern version: “the whole head and upper torso for an eye” and proceeded to drop thousands and thousands of tons of bombs on the Palestinians in Gaza.

Of course the whole world was shocked by war between the Israelis and Palestinians. Exactly why we were shocked remains a mystery when those two identical-looking peoples have been at war for as long as anyone can remember. International pressure was brought to bear on Israel to at least call a truce, and then assess how best to proceed in order to resolve their differences. It is a momentous time, the beginning of a new year that many in the world hope will be the beginning of a new era of peace and harmony.

Israel actually considered calling off the war for a while, maybe twenty minutes to half an hour, but then figured, what the hell, who are we kidding? And so they continued the heavy bombing raids and thus ensured that 2009 will be ushered in with at least one more high-profile war to set the tone for this New Year, 2009. Naturally they said all the proper things about being open to diplomacy in the near future and having hopes for a permanent peaceful solution to their “neighbor problem,” but they had everything set up for more saturation bombing and it seemed such a waste not to just let fly with some more metal death from the sky. 

Plus, they’ve got their tanks and ground troops all lined up ready to invade, and a lot of time and effort went into that military buildup. Seems a shame to send everyone home disappointed, so expect some riveting house to house street fighting video on your cable news channels to augment the usual New Year’s drivel about Times Square and various pompous ceremonies where we promise ourselves that this year, by God, this year will be different! In a sense, Israel and Palestine have done the world a great service by holding a mirror to our faces. THIS is who we are and THIS is what we do.

These two small tribes in tiny insignificant countries are no different from the rest of humanity. Perhaps circumstances and political fortunes have placed them a lot closer together than other warring belligerents, but that cheek-by-jowl closeness has not had the same results as the same situation in New York City, for example, where stiff gun laws prevent the outbreak of hostilities before people have a chance to get to realize that the other guy is really okay. Too many arms manufacturers have made this New Jersey-sized piece of real estate an armed camp where seemingly every little kid and his mother can pull out an AK-47 from under their robes to brandish for the TV cameras. Their fathers and big brothers carry rocket-propelled grenade launchers like they were lunch pails or something.

In an atmosphere like that, it would be more surprising if war did not occur on a regular basis. And then there’s the entertainment industry to consider, more commonly called the news media, who for the past half century have relied heavily upon Israel and Palestine to provide dramatic war stories for the enjoyment of the whole world. That’s a lot of pressure on these people to produce, and produce in a big and dramatic way. And so over the years the plot has thickened with the introduction of smaller and deadlier weapons, the recruiting of women (!) to be suicide bombers and the ever-increasing deadliness of Israel’s counter attacks. This latest war has brilliantly lived up to all our expectations as the buildings fall and the body counts rise.

The question is: How can they top this? What will it take to truly satisfy their bloodlust, and that of their audience, the rest of us? Is Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert’s statement that this is “a war to the end” any indication that this will be the biggest show (war) to come out of the Middle East since the Six Day War of 1967? Now, that was a show, rivaled only by the 1973 Egypt-Israeli war featuring the biggest tank battle since World War 2. Olmert’s statement is most likely an exaggeration made for public consumption. Why “fight to the end” when there’s plenty more good TV ratings to be had in the future, many other New Years’ hopes to be dashed? In Israel and Palestine, war is practically the only interesting thing about the place, unless you’re a huge fan of olive groves, ancient religions and people who can’t stand one another. 

Contributions flow most heavily into the Israeli and Palestinian treasuries during times of conflict. Larger nations eager to test their latest weaponry in the relatively safe arenas of small proxy wars arm both sides to the teeth with very expensive killing gadgets. No sense killing the golden goose with one huge war when that goose keeps on laying one war egg after another, thus bringing hard currency and media attention to a location most people would be hard-pressed to recall without all that exciting warfare. Israel actually trades on this whole repetitious scenario to promote a lucrative tourism business!

This war will probably last a few more days, just enough to sully the blank slate of a new year with blood and burnt flesh and let us all know that the business of being human has a dark and ghastly side. Once again the Middle East has shown us just how much work we’ve all got to do. America is still mired in the most senseless war in our own history and the globe is dotted with wars and genocide campaigns. And 36,000 people still die every single day from starvation, far outdistancing the body counts of all our wars, and the vast majority of them are small children. So let’s get on with this New Year and see if we can do something, anything, about all of this crap, or New Year’s 2010 will be another stale re-run. Here’s wishing us all a Busy New Year so that our future New Years can be happy ones.

People used to laugh at the fools back in the 1960s who spoke of spreading peace and love. Considering that we’ve pretty much explored their alternatives, war and hate, to the point of exhaustion and that really hasn’t worked out all that well, maybe they weren’t so crazy after all. Let’s wage peace and love for a change.

There’s a law on the books of the United States Federal Penal Code called the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act, or RICO for short. It’s a prosecutorial tool used to bust up organized crime syndicates like the Mafia, the Russian mob and various drug cartels and has been used on a variety of defendants whose activities can be categorized as an ongoing organized criminal enterprise. Passed in 1970, it defines organized criminals as those who commit specific crimes over a ten year period. If convicted of those crimes, an additional 20 year sentence for racketeering is available for lucky winners on top of the penalties for their actual crimes.

While the law was designed to attack the Mafia, with mob boss Frank “Funzi” Tieri getting the dubious honor of being the first Mafiosi convicted under RICO, it has been applied as well to the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang, the Key West police department, the Latin Kings street gang, Major League Baseball and Michael Milken, who was indicted on 98 counts of insider trading. So RICO sounds like an ideal law to apply against the ring of thieves who blew up the world economy in 2008. Here’s a list of possible defendants should the government decide to prosecute the financial services industries using their most effective legal tool: 

Al “Dante” Gotrocks: As CEO of Credit, Shmedit! Mortgage Lenders, Mr. Gotrocks instituted a company policy of giving mortgage loans to dead people,  then packaging those loans as top-rated securities and selling them along with Sham Wows and Ginsu knives on TV informercials.

Jerome “Jerry Jets” Lawson: The chairman of the board of Megaglom Credit Card, Mr. Lawson ordered the issuing of credit cards to grammar school students, prison inmates and newborn babies, figuring these were demographic groups vasty underrepresented in the credit boom. His company went bust when his new customers couldn’t pay for the billions of dollars worth of video games, cigarettes and high tech strollers. “Jerry Jets” got his nickname from his acquisition of a small air force of corporate jets even though his company had only a single location. He also bought several dozen helicopters for top executives to go to lunch or get the newspapers, and paid for all these aircraft with worthless Megaglom credit cards.

RIchard Hertz: The CEO of Worldwide Worldwide Corporation, Mr. Hertz has been accused of reporting net profits of 40 bazillion dollars and using that inflated figure to hand out billions of dollars in bonuses to himself and scores of top executives. When the smoke cleared, it turned out the company was worth only around 800 bucks and hadn’t actually sold any products for the past 7 years. Undaunted, Hertz declared Worldwide Worldwide a charity and took tax deductions amounting to billions of dollars, which the IRS actually “refunded” to the company even though they had never paid a cent in taxes to the treasury. The tax windfall was distributed to Mr. Hertz himself and used to build an exact replica of Versailles Palace on his ocean front property in Palm Beach. 

Delbert Cranberry: Mr. Cranberry has been indicted on charges of selling stocks in a nonexistent company called Really, Really RIch Guys, Unlimited. The suits on Wall Street snapped up his worthless stock to the tune of several billion dollars before it was discovered that Mr. Cranberry had been operating from a studio apartment above a barber shop in Queens using a cheap laptop computer. He had no product to offer, no staff and no business credentials whatsoever. In defense of his gullible super-wealthy victims, he did, however, have an expensive haircut, many impressive suits, played golf quite well and had a very confident manner. 

Marvin Gardens: Named for a square on the board game “Monopoly,” Mr. Gardens took his name seriously and in 2002 cornered the market on yellow ties and before too long had all of corporate America paying ridiculously high prices for their “Power Ties” from Only Yellow Ties, Incorporated. Gardens took the company public and sold billions worth of stock that turned out to be useless when yellow ties lost their popularity in favor of red ones and Only Yellow Ties, Incorporated didn’t have any red ties to sell.

Monroe Bilderbottom: The chief executive officer of the Megagiantcolossal Big Bank of The Universe, Mr. Bilderbottom has been accused of cutting out all the middlemen when stealing from his customers by rigging his bank’s ATM machines to deposit 5 bucks from the customers’ accounts into his personal Cayman Island account on every third transaction. The charges were explained as routine maintenance charges and seldom disputed but it netted the CEO a few billion untaxed dollars. He was turned in by his own executive corps when they discovered they were cut out of the larceny loop while they had to make do with old fashioned, low tech bank theft; inflating the company’s net worth and exaggerating profits to artificially drive the price of the stock through the roof until they unloaded their own shares, leaving their investors holding the (empty) bag.

The Combover Brothers: Lester, Elliot and Fred Combover are partners in the law firm of Combover, Combover & Combover. The Combovers practiced corporate law and had as their clients all the defendants listed above. They stand accused of money laundering, bank fraud, tax-evasion, stock manipulation, insider trading and always smiling when they spoke, no matter what was the subject matter. Investigators had their suspicions confirmed when it was discovered that all 3 Combovers had been trained as TV newscasters and never went to law school, so charges of practicing law without a license and unnecessary smily speak have been added.

J. Cuthbert Willingham Mortimer “Bunky” DeLanier-Wilberforce IV: The guy did nothing wrong, but he’s a wealthy banker with a ridiculous name that cries out for a stiff jail term. Federal prosecutors are combing the fine print of the RICO statutes to find the applicable legal remedy, and investigators are working feverishly to find out what the “J” stands for and how it could possibly be so much worse than his other names that he doesn’t use it. He was also a client of the Combover Brothers so authorities figure between the single initial in front of a bunch of funny names and the Combover connection he’s got to be up to no good. And then there’s his annoying habit of smiling when he speaks…

You’re only as old as you are. How you feel has no bearing on the calendar. No sense kidding ourselves.

Just when we thought we’d celebrate a New Year with some vague hopes of progress in the Peace Department, the good old reliable Israelis and Palestinians remind us once again that there need not be a dime’s worth of difference in our ethnic pedigrees before we earnestly slaughter one another. Rocket attacks met with bombing raids and no doubt an imminent invasion by  Israeli ground troops helps us cling to the familiar in the face of a blank slate of a New Year. We can rest assured that 2009 will be like 2008, only more so. So while president-elect Obama tries to figure out how the get America out of one war, our staunch ally Israel provides the world with a reminder that the Middle East will continue to be a thorn in the side of human progress and any hopes for peace for the foreseeable future.

While various African nations have been doing their part, staying busy as one-armed piano players practicing genocide on minority ethnic groups within their borders that look just like the majority ethnic groups, it took the high-profile Middle East to really send home the message that the world is full of the fighting spirit of the Hatfields and McCoys, two families on the West Virginia-Kentucky border that feuded for decades for reasons both families forgot long before they ended their fatal hostilities. It seems the reasons for feuds (and wars) become secondary once the shooting starts, and then it’s a matter of custom and inertia. Would the Israelis and Palestinians know what to do with themselves without a sworn blood enemy? 

How about all those tribes in Africa? With no subhuman dogs to slaughter they just might have to come up with a workable way to govern their nations. Where’s the fun in that? Where’s the glory? Besides, peaceful governments usually have to answer to their citizens for their failures and ineffectiveness, subjects that never come up when one’s nation is in a constant state of national emergency (war). And it’s not just our leaders who are to blame for this crap, it’s us too, who buy into the irrational hatred. Did any American really have a beef with Iraq? How many of us spent sleepless nights worrying about that nation before we invaded them? Well, now there’s plenty of reasons for concern, but still not a damned one for hating anybody. 

It wasn’t the Iraqis who gutted our economy, it was domestic enemies, organized crime rings operating on a grand sale in corporate circles, who even now are spreading the word that the world financial crisis is nobody’s fault, and at the same time everybody’s fault, including (!) poor people, but certainly not their fault. Which, one supposes, is a handy message to spread when you’ve just blown trillions of everybody’s hard earned and the investigators are circling. And a new war in the Middle East is just the antidote needed for the disease of self-examination and recriminations. Now if they can only figure a way to spread the conflict far and wide there will be vast fortunes to be made and subsequently squandered.

Guns, war planes, rockets and tanks are darned expensive, and so is rebuilding everything those things blow up. To the financial services industries, wars are simply business opportunities. Nations need vast amounts of financing to procure weapons, and no nation provides them for free. Armies must be paid and fed, and hospitals must be set up to handle all the catastrophic injuries. None of this can be done without financing and that nation that stiffs its creditors will see its enemies heavily financed to destroy them, so generally they pay up. Of course that may mean less food going to starving people in many cases, but that’s the price to be paid for jump-starting the world economy with warfare.

India and Pakistan are certainly doing their part, both massing troops along their common border, both ignoring the facts that before 1948 they were the same country and their people look identical. They haven’t had a really good dust-up over Kashmir in years, and the recent terror attacks in Mumbai gave them just the opportunity they needed to start hostilities on a grand scale. The trick these days is to make sure their shooting war is not on too grand a scale though, what with their nuclear arsenals and all, so theirs is a subtle dance and a fine line will have to be struck, that is; no great victories so as to humiliate the other nation.  

Trading small victories and ending an undeclared war in a stalemate is the better deal for all concerned, so that both nations may declare victory without the unthinkable outcome of Americans not having anybody to call when their computers go on the blink and the service centers we rely on are vaporized in a nuclear holocaust. That would be a most traumatic occurrence. So let’s hope for the best in all these brand new wars breaking out, the best unfortunately being that not too many civilians get slaughtered and nobody decides to drop The Big One. And let’s hope against hope that America can keep out of the equation in all of them. Happy New Year.

The final nail in the coffin of the Roman Empire was the name of its last emperor: Gluteus Maximus.

We live in a social world, heavily populated and in close proximity to one another. It is always best to be civil, kind and considerate in our dealings with other human beings. We must all endeavor to behave cordially and wisely toward our fellow man. Often in this turbulent, fast-paced modern world it is difficult to maintain our civility and from time to time we commit social lapses that may wound the feelings of others or get us into trouble. In the interest of public service Bob Crespo.com has compiled a short list of ill-considered replies to often asked questions. Avoid the following wrong answers:

The Question: “Have you been drinking, sir?”

The Wrong Answer: “Funny you should ask, officer. Care for a pop?”

The Question: “Would believe I’m past 40?”

The wrong answer: “Yes.”

The Question: “Don’t you adore my new hairdo?”

The Wrong Answer: “No.”

The Question: “What kind of dog do you like”

The Wrong Answer: “Sauteed.”

The Question: “My 401k needs help. Can you recommend a good investment counselor?”

The Wrong Answer: “I hear that guy Bernard Madoff is a real miracle worker.”

The Question: “Have you driven a Ford lately?”

The Wrong Answer: “I only make those clunkers. When I need a reliable ride, it’s corporate jet time!”

The Question: “Who should we appoint to fill that vacant Senate seat?”

The Wrong Answer: “The highest bidder, of course.”

The Question: “Do I look fat in this dress?”

The Wrong Answer:  This is a trick question. Any reply you can think of will be incorrect.

The Question: “Why is the sky blue?”

The Wrong Answer: “Because it hasn’t taken its Prozac today.”

The Question: “Why can’t we all just get along?”

The Wrong Answer: “We’ll get along just fine once we slay all those inferior dogs across the border!” 

The Question: “Why did the Muslim woman cross the road?”

The Wrong Answer: “Was she alone? In that case, she crossed the road to avoid being stoned to death for her defiant immodesty!”

The Question: “911 operator. What is your emergency?”

The Wrong Answer: “This is the CEO of Morgan/UnChastened Megagiant Credit Mortgage Investment Bank Lenders Unlimited. It seems we’ve run out of money again. Our whacky executives went a little hog wild betting wrong on oil futures, bad mortgages and black jack at Monte Carlo, the scamps. Be a dear and send over another $87 billion, would you?”

The Question: “Do you believe in miracles?”

The Wrong Answer: “Would you like to join my Palin 2012 committee?”

The Question: “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?”

The Wrong Answer: “Define ‘truth’, please.”

The Question: “Is that a Susquehanna hat you’re wearing?”

The Wrong Answer: “Yes”

The most insignificant day of the week is Tuesday. Nobody looks forward to it. No one remembers what they did on a Tuesday. Nothing momentous ever seems to happen on a Tuesday unless some major holiday happens to fall on one every so often, and when that happens people are very disappointed and declare the holiday ruined. Tuesday is the Rodney Dangerfield of weekdays.

My cousin Joe got a good book for Christmas called “How To Be A Gentleman.” It is a handy little tome we had a lot of fun with at our holiday gathering. It’s an updated version that covers things like text-messaging while crossing busy streets and gym etiquette as far as not hogging the exercise machines or grunting excessively. The proper etiquette for handling annoying tele-marketers is discussed. There’s even tips about how to be a gentleman while shopping. There’s all sorts of useful tidbits of information to help modern man behave like a gentleman and thus contribute to a more considerate, responsible and kind world. There were, however, some surprises. For example: 

A gentleman always takes the wet spot.

A gentleman is always circumspect when stalking, and carefully maintains the hundred-yard distance from the lady in question that is recommended in the restraining order.

In the event of his getting arrested, a gentleman doesn’t waste his one phone call dialing a sex line.

When crossing the street to avoid a particularly annoying acquaintance, a gentleman does so with subtlety and grace.

When someone starts a war with you, a gentlemen never invades the wrong country in response. Instead, he attacks those who attack him, no matter how much oil other countries may have.

When playing cards, it is permissible for a gentleman to cheat only when the money at stake is substantial.

When employing the services of a prostitute, a gentleman never charges the bill to his company’s expense account. He pays in cash from his own funds and tips generously.

When faced with the choice between an admission of guilt and evading responsibility for criminal conduct, a gentleman always lies with a straight face and a calm demeanor.

When escorting a lady out on the town a gentleman never frequents the same clubs and restaurants he patronizes with is wife.

While it is an accepted maxim of the true gentleman to never steal anything small, a gentleman never steals 50 billion dollars from those who trust him with their life savings and charity endowments.

When seeking a fresh boutonniere for one’s tuxedo after business hours, one’s neighbor’s rose garden may provide a gentleman with a satisfactory alternative to the florist.

A southern gentleman never wears a white sheet after Labor Day. 

When the subjects of religion and politics arise in social settings, a true gentleman limits his derogatory remarks to those not present.

A gentleman does not kiss and tell. Receiving oral sex, however, is a whole different story, and other gentleman may be regaled with such tales to one’s social advantage, but only when no ladies are present.

A gentleman does not cut the line at an open bar, unless of course he perceives that the bourbon is running low. In that instance only is it permissible to exert one’s gentlemanly prerogatives, perhaps with some deft footwork and a subtly placed left hook.

A gentleman never shoots his friends in the face with a shotgun, especially  when a small-caliber pistol is handy. One shot to the knee will deliver the same message without the inconvenient blood spatter. Always exhibit consideration for those who launder your wardrobe.

When refusing to give up his subway seat to an elderly lady, a gentleman always affects a limp when he gets up to exit the train.