Be glad that Chihuahuas and Toy Poodles are tiny. Unhinged looking, too, with those angry, bulging eyes and snapping little jaws. If they were the size of Great Danes or German Shepherds we'd all be in trouble. Doesn't seem like owning one of these maladjusted little creatures is anything like having a regular dog, who are for the most part pretty happy-go-lucky. Give me a slobbering, easy-to-please mutt any day of the week.
Be glad we have the Olsen twins. It could have been the Olson triplets.
Rejoice that Earth Day is over and we can get back to the business of conspicuously consuming.
Be of good cheer when contemplating our brilliant Cable TV political commentators and the fact that most of them will go away after November's election. At least for 2 or 3 months, anyway. Then as soon as the new President is sworn in the presidential campaign for 2012 kicks off.
Be glad you were born who you are and not Donald Trump.
All are invited to wax ecstatic about the Summer Olympics in China, Incorporated. They will last but 17 days. It will only seem longer. But don't worry, if your favorite Synchronized Swimming Team doesn't win the Gold, there' s always 4 years from now.
Be very glad you you don't have to read in the papers every day what a whack job your minister is.
Be eternally grateful that Rupert Murdoch has not bought the internet. Yet.
And finally, be glad that things are not worse. You could be living in Bayonne, New Jersey.
So here we have the Chairman of the Democratic Party insisting that the Democrats go into their June convention with only one nominee. He says that either Senator Hillary Clinton or Senator Barack Obaba must drop out of the race if there is no clear cut winner by then. He doesn't much care which one surrenders, only that one of them does. Isn't that why they have conventions in the first place, to choose a nominee? He says that letting the convention do the job it was designed to do will put the Democrats in danger of losing the general election. How does that work exactly, outside of, shall we say… the unique mind of Howard Dean? Now we know why he was appointed to that job in the first place, to keep him from running for the presidency himself and repeating his 2004 meltdown.
But maybe in retrospect it wasn't such a great idea to let this guy be in charge of the whole party. He's melting again and saying foolish things. All I can say is, it's a good thing for his patients that this medical doctor got out of the doctoring business and into politics where he can do them no harm. It's the rest of the nation who has to put up with him now, but a judicious dose of ignoring the fool should work wonders. One gets the feeling that the only reason he says this stupid shit is to call attention to himself, and like all such people, there is no other plausible reason to notice him at all. Obama and Clinton ought to unite in telling him to shut up and go away until the voters, or failing that, the delegates choose a nominee in the normal way. What, he's afraid that only four more months of campaigning is not enough? The campaign already seems like it's dragged on for the better part of a decade.
Hell, four weeks should be plenty to get your message out. Are our political campaigns designed to keep idiot TV analysts gainfully employed or to select a president? And it's not like there's any shortage of issues with which to challenge the Republicans, no matter who emerges as the candidate. There's that giant albatross of an illegal war going on and on like some Energizer Dragon. That might get a little mention, no? There's 8 years of corruption and thievery to be addressed. There's a drowned city still waiting to be rebuilt. There's the economy, or lack thereof. There's torture and incompetence and Christian Fascists and the fact that the best equipped army in history can't find a 6-foot 6-inch tall Arab in the midst of his jockey-sized brethren.
There's that massive transfer of wealth from the working classes to the super wealthy that can be mentioned. There's our friendship with the Saudi kings who fund terrorism and manipulate world oil prices in collusion with our own corporations. There's the Republican fear mongering and assaults on the BIll of Rights. And there's the public record of John McCain who has licked every jackboot offered in order to secure the Republican nomination and the fact that corporate lobbyists make up the majority of his senior staff. Does any nominee need Howard Dean around to distract him or her from concentrating on these issues.
His big mouth becomes an issue, one of the few that can return the Republicans to power. As he tries to sabotage the process designed to select a nominee, he sabotages the chances of getting that nominee elected. How can he not know that? Maybe he's getting bribed by the Republicans. Or just maybe he really is one very deranged son of a bitch! Wouldn't be the first politician to be completely nuts. If his former patients had an ounce of patriotism, they'd sacrifice their health and invite him to reopen his medical practice and get him out of our hair. Howard Dean for General Practitioner in '08!
We've got a lot of choices in our TV viewing these days, not only the national networks and a whole lot of regional ones, but literally hundreds and hundreds of cable channels to choose from, covering subjects from cooking to sports to nature, drama, history, comedy, soap operas, politics, crime, science fiction, science fact, westerns, 24/7 news shows, feature films, even a weather channel for those too lazy to open a window or possessed of a morbid curiosity as to whether or not it's still snowing in Wisconsin (Unless it's August, it is.). So you pretty much figure there's no room for new channels to be created, the cable people have got it covered.
Not quite. Like any competitive enterprise, TV executives are ever on the alert for new and better cable channels to add to our viewing menu and win valuable advertising revenue. Towards that goal, there are new channels being tested every day. Some are wildly successful, others… well, you be the judge. Offered below is a list of new cable channels that didn't make the cut.
THE TIME CHANNEL- Brought to you by the creators of The Weather Channel, the Time Channel offered basically a clock telling you what time it is. Not only where you are, but anywhere in the world. Tokyo time, London time, Borneo time, even what time it is in Bayonne, New Jersey! Unfortunately, in a test run, most viewers agreed it was time to turn the channel.
COOKING WITH THE HOMELESS- This channel was designed to compete with the many food and chef-oriented cable channels. Techniques were compared between traditional hobos cooking cans of beans over trash fires with that of deranged dumpster-diving unfortunates trying to warm up frozen half-eaten Big Macs with only their body heat. Ratings were quite low in spite of heavy advertisement by fast food chains and sterno manufacturers.
FORENSIC JAYWALKER FILES- It turns out there are some crimes that fascinate no one.
THE PHILOSOPHY CHANNEL- Enough said.
THE DENTAL CLINIC CHANNEL- See above.
THE LIVE SURGERY CHANNEL- This was actually a fascinating idea, having real surgeons performing real operations on live television. True, it was a little on the gory side but quite educational. Unfortunately, the enterprise failed when TV producers insisted on injecting an element of risk into the show in the form of a faulty anesthetic feed, with the chances only 50-50 that the patient would not wake up screaming in the middle of delicate surgery. Even the offer of a free operation deterred many patients from signing on. Then a few of them died on the table when they started writhing in pain just as the surgeon was wielding a scalpel near something vital. Then lawyers got involved, the government got all pissy and that was that.
LIFESTYLES OF REGULAR PEOPLE- The idea was to profile the daily lives of people who are not rich enough to appear on the celebrity lifestyle channels and not poor and deranged enough to appear on COPS. Unfortunately, bowling alleys, supermarkets, commutes to uninteresting jobs and the tribulations of soccer Moms bored even the producers and they cancelled themselves.
THE KNITTING CHANNEL- This one was all set to go until demographic studies revealed that most young people have no idea what knitting is and that people who knit generally don't have cable.
GREAT AMERICAN FOREIGN DIPLOMAT CHANNEL- Another good idea shot down by research. It was discovered that there are no Americans with any talent at all for foreign relations since Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson died.
GOOD CORPORATE CITIZENSHIP CHANNEL-Produced in the Canary Islands with no professional union technicians, this channel was unable to produce five minutes of videotape where the sound matched the visuals. The ensuing footage about corporate responsibility is now being offered for sale to Comedy Central.
THE GOOD MANNERS AND HUMAN DECENCY CHANNEL- This one was scrapped when no professional TV hosts could be found that fit the criteria.
THE AL JAZEERA COMEDY CHANNEL- In an effort to humanize Islamic Fascists, an exhaustive search of those regions of the world was made to find their funniest comedians performing acts that don't include the maiming of infidels. At last report, the search continues, but don't look for this one on your Fall TV schedule.
BOOK OF THE MONTH CLUB CHANNEL-This one never even made it out of the corporate offices, unless you count the people who came up with the idea getting bodily thrown out of the corporate office window after receiving a severe beating at the hands of chubby TV producers.
When I'm in charge of the world there will be no no renaming allowed. Used cars will be advertised as used cars, period, no matter how many BMW engineers swear on stack of owner's manuals it's as good as new. Pre-owned, my ass. If it was such a cupcake, why'd the guy who bought it get rid of it? And heavy fines will be levied on corporations who announce they are "downsizing" instead of admitting they are firing a bunch of people because one of their boy genius executives fucked up, or they simply want to make more money for the corporate elite by shipping said jobs to some place where running water and electricity are novelties and safety inspectors are the mayor's cousins with third-grade educations. Calling relocating people's jobs in a foreign country "out-sourcing" doesn't make it anything else but a betrayal of those who made you successful in the first place and skipping out on paying taxes to the nation that provided you the opportunity. It is what it is and they are going to have to say so.
The words parent, party and mentor will revert to their former status as nouns. The label handicapped was never meant to be a negative connotation so "physically challenged" is out, too. "High risk behavior" will be referred to as it used be; lunacy. Government contractors who carry automatic weapons, drive armored attack vehicles and fly helicopter gunships will be called mercenaries again. Government contractors will be people with tools in their hands or a truckload of supplies. An economic downturn will be once again called a recession. Or a depression, depending on how much the government and the corporations screw up a robust economy.
Polluters don't get to be called "the regulated community" anymore. "Oil Speculators'" will be called pirates and thieves and beaten with sticks until they stop siphoning billions out of our gas tanks. Calling a spade a spade will be the hallmark of my Boss of The World Administration. Reality television programs will be properly labeled Crap TV. News stations will be required to actually report news and leave the celebrity gossip to Pat O'Brien. Christian Conservative political groups will be forced to explain exactly which of the four Gospels detailing the life and teachings of Jesus Christ instructed them to promote war, intolerance and bigotry as Christian family values. If they can't do so then they have to rename themselves Fascists for Jesus and wear matching shirts and funny little caps.
If I was not so adamantly opposed to capital punishment I'd find the guy who invented the term "power nap" and slay him on the spot. That's a power nap, you jackass, not my little enjoyable snoozes! I'd also get all the medical authorities together to finally decide once and for all what the hell is the deal with good cholesterol/bad cholesterol. I would also demand to know exactly why somebody should call a doctor instead of all their friends to brag about it when their erection lasts more than four hours. That's not something your wife is likely to seek out the complaint department over. Trust me on this one, Docs.
And when I'm running the world political candidates must be asked questions about what they plan to do when they get elected. TV morons will not be allowed to ask them about their religion, the price of their haircuts, flag pins, their patriotism(!), their spouses, their ethnic background or which historical figure they'd like to have dinner with. The only thing these bozos forgot to ask the candidates is their favorite color. Don't blame the candidates. They'd love to discuss their policies if any of the half wits in the media would only ask them.
I'd also force people the world over to stop calling their racist tendencies "tribal loyalty." The world has long since moved on from tribalism. At least the progressive and technically advanced portions of the world. Everybody is sick and tired of all the slaughter and genocide in the name of your so-called tribe. If your tribe is so special why are they living in unsanitary backwaters of the world doing not much of anything but slaughtering their neighbors? If your tribe is so important to you why have you done nothing to change this? Do the words education, initiative or enlightenment mean anything at all to all you earnest haters? How about logic? Try this: If the tribe you hate is worth nothing but scorn and slaughter, what makes it so surprising when others feel the same way about you?
Can I get a show of hands here, tribes? No, I didn't think so. Never was a lot of logic or any sort of thinking at all involved in that whole racist thing. But be proud of your consistency. Where others have learned, you have refused to do so. And where they have prospered, you have wallowed in your own shit. Perhaps with centuries of tradition of living in a shithole maybe the only excitement is in murdering your neighbors. Breaks up the monotony of having no importance whatsoever in the scheme of things. Well, stay in your shitholes if you must, but just have the balls you were born with and admit you are a genocidal racist wasting the lives of your children who will learn your ways. And by all means have a nice day.
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