Humor

SUPER BOWL COMMERCIALS I’D LIKE TO SEE

1 Comment 30 January 2008

The Super Bowl's almost here. You know what that means, right? Oh yeah, there'll be a football game too, but I'm talking about the year's most anticipated unveiling of the latest examples of our greatest art form: Television commercials! The ad people at Madison Avenue work like beavers to come up with the most entertaining and groundbreaking commercials of the year, often kicking off a new series of signature ads for their different clients. There's also some informative ads as well, telling us of some exciting new scientific breakthroughs in shaving our faces and other body parts, brushing our teeth and rinsing our mouths with a dizzying array of pretty colored and tasty mouthwashes.

Well, I've got a couple of things I hope our intrepid advertisers didn't overlook again this year. I think we've got the message that Bud is the King of Beers and Coors Light the Crown Prince of Beers. We know Viagra makes old guys happy and old women happier. I think we're well aware that people like crappy fast food and car companies make gas-guzzling cowboy trucks that ride as smooth as bucking broncos. And who needs to be reminded to buy more electronic gadgets? We already do that pretty much automatically like babies grabbing at shiny objects.

What we need is some fresh blood, some new advertisers who are willing to tackle some overlooked and undersold products. Take drugs, for example. Enough about all that blood pressure crap, those cholesterol reduction yawns and the time release cold capsules. I say the Pharmaceutical Giants go with their real bread and butter, fun drugs and huge money makers like Oxycontin, Percodan, Percocet, Demerol, Vicodin, Darvon, Darvocet and the like. They are marketed as pain killers (Wink, wink!) but the big drug companies produce around fifty to a hundred times more of these drugs than the medical community requires. Where do the rest of these very expensive pills go?

Well, that's what the commercials will explain. They can be like beer commercials but instead of popping open a cold one at a party you could have the attractive young hipsters unscrewing drug bottles and popping pills, maybe even a couple of them crushing up the pills' contents, adding water and shooting them up with a needle. You could have snappy slogans like "As good as heroin without having to deal with hoodlums in bad neighborhoods!" or "It's powerful, it's long lasting and … it's legal!" or "Pain, shmain, this stuff is fun!" How about: "Getting high, but not high enough? Try Oxycontin! Everyone's calling it Hillbilly Heroin and it's a ton of fun! And Mom and Dad, don't forget that Oxy's not just for the kids, it's the drug of choice of Rush Limbaugh!" At the end you can have some bozo smugly announce: "Remember, always drug responsibly."

Those ads could be sprinkled in with the beer, wine and whiskey ads. Maybe even get some celebrities to endorse them, preferably someone who has played a doctor on a popular TV show. Following those ads you could have a couple of Rehab Centers advertising their services, maybe even enlisting some of the celebrities who are regulars at such facilities. Let the camera show to the landscaped grounds, the luxury suites and the happy faces of recovering addicts as they thank "Sunny Promises" for saving their lives. I smell some promising second careers for a lot of former film and TV stars as commercial spokespeople. Why should Wilford Brimley and his dull Diabetes spiel hog all the big advertising dough?

Or maybe one of the last functioning manufacturing industries in America can advertise on Super Sunday, our firearms manufacturers. Here's the spiel: "Venison: it's what's for dinner. Well, sportsmen, deer meat isn't in your local butcher shop and they don't come when you call 'em. But they do listen to Smith and Wesson!" Or a handgun ad: "Gangbangers, still using that old Glock Nine? Get some real American firepower, a Colt automatic with hollow tipped armor piercing bullets. Protect your corners and impress your friends! Why trust an important drive-by to a foreign-made weapon? When you want someone stopped, Colt stops 'em in their tracks! And don't forget, bitches and ho's always respect a man who's packing a Colt automatic. Always shoot responsibly."

There's lots of possibilities for ground-breaking TV commercials. The private army corporations could cash in on the huge military audience watching the Super Bowl from war zones overseas. The setting, a battlefield littered with dead bodies, and in the distance two American soldiers with smoking guns survey their handiwork. One of them is wounded and being helped to a medivac helicopter by his comrade. Plaintive bugle music plays softly while a manly voice intones: "You've paid your dues, soldier. You've fought the good fight and you've kept your country safe. America's military, we salute you. You've been to hell and back and still you stand tall.Time to cash in! Tired of using your skills to benefit a bunch of foreign slobs who don't appreciate your protection? Tired of a paycheck that looks like you work in Wal-Mart? Sick of that complex chain of command and being handcuffed by the Code of Military Conduct? Join Blackwater International and fight for big money!
We'll pay handsomely for the skills Uncle Sam taught you and let you be in charge! We provide state-of-the-art firepower and a license to kill and you'll answer to nobody but your banker! Why re-up in the Army or the Marines for peanuts? Join Blackwater today, where the elite meet and cause some serious mayhem!"

Yes, the Super Bowl gravy train of advertising dollars is ready to pull out of the station. Why shouldn't more of our mega-corpoations cash in on his annual bonanza? Why not the companies who make all those prosthetic limbs for our brave young soldiers who had an arm or a leg blown off by a roadside bomb? "Going Mother Nature one better!" Or the medical insurance corporations who are running the show in our health care system: "Darwin Medical Plan: thinning the herd of the weak and the crybabies for 75 years. Find out who measures up. Join now, it just might be you!"

The oil companies could use some of that hundred-bucks-a-barel windfall to create some memorable ads: "Everybody knows that Solar Power's for sissies! Try leaving your Hummer in the sun and see how far it gets you. Big Oil: We've got it, you need it." or maybe a more patriotic theme: "Real Americans drive Big Cars and it takes a Big Corporation to get it to you. Let the Europeans drive their tiny death traps and we'll ride in style! Who owns the road, loyal Americans or some tofu-eating wussy in a Mini Cooper?" Madison Avenue, get busy!

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Humor

THE FUTURE LOOKS MURKY (I TRY MY HAND AT PREDICTIONS)

No Comments 28 January 2008

Might as well jump on the prediction bandwagon. All sorts of people are doing it; scientists, social observers, political types, religious nuts of every calling and technology buffs clamoring for an all-digital world. So let's pull out the old crystal ball and see what's in store for us in the days to come. Wish I had me one of those snappy cone-shaped wizard hats with a flowing robe to match, but an inventory of my wardrobe reveals a sad lapse in sorcerer's outfits so I'll have to make do with my civvies. Where to start, where to start?

I got it! Ten years from today the Middle East will be a mess and nobody will be getting along with anybody else. There, that wasn't so hard. Okay, we're rockin' now, let's go with this one: Five years from now there will be sectarian violence in Africa, pitting tribe against tribe and religion against religion. Many thousands will be slaughtered at the hands of their own countrymen while the world stands idly by wringing its hands and expressing "deep concern." More aggressive action by some concerned parties may involve forming committees to study the root causes and issuing bland condemnations of the violence, perhaps even going as far as a stern rebuke. Wow, this is easier than I thought!

How about this one: In the future there will be such a huge demand for oil that the kings and princes of the Middle East oil-producing nations will become richer than King Solomon and build all sorts of palaces and futuristic cities in the deserts they inhabit in the vain hope that such activities will make their sweltering, dusty and godforsaken homelands more palatable to bear. Their decadent offspring will travel the world in search of prostitutes, drugs, champagne and gambling casinos. No, wait, that's already happened. Okay, so it's not so easy to predict the future. Looks kind of murky, actually. See, that's the problem with the future; unlike the past, it hasn't happened yet. That, plus the fact that I don't have any wizard clothes or an ounce of psychic ability. Dang!

But I am pretty mule-headed so I'm going to keep at it. Here goes: Within five years Bill Gates will be only the second-richest guy in the world. Who will be richer than him? Vladimir Putin, the retired boss of Russia when he moves to Switzerland and starts making withdrawals on the 50 billion or so he stashed there while he pretended to be the new Vladimir Lenin restoring Communism and in reality was the new J.P. Morganovski, robber baron supreme. Unfortunately Mr. Putin will have to spend a big chunk of his fortune paying Blackwater mercenaries to guard him 24/7 from irate Russian citizens wondering where their money went.

Now for some showbiz news: In the year 2020, the Rolling Stones will embark on a tour of sold-out arenas all over the world, the Steel Wheelchair tour. Barbra Streisand, my wife's favorite lady singer, will give another farewell performance and endorse Chelsea Clinton for President. That same year Tom Hanks will win his ninth Oscar for a movie about the life of some ordinary guy pretty much like himself. Tonight Show host Pauly Shore will retire and turn the job over to the surviving Olsen twin, which is which I can't tell, either now or in the future. Bono and Sting will buy the last five hundred acres of rain forest and turn it into a museum. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame will build a new wing dedicated to great white rappers. It will be the size of a closet.

Twenty years from now The United States Congress will pass another bill mandating better gas mileage for cars, giving auto manufacturers another 20 years to come up with something.

In 2019 The Corporate Wing of Government will be officially created by an Amendment to the Constitution and will be given full veto power over the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches, belatedly formalizing long standing practice. Heading this new branch of government will be a chubby white guy from Connecticut who will earn 50 million bucks a year plus stock options and a hot new trophy wife every two years. Its headquarters will be a gleaming office tower erected where the Lincoln Memorial used to be.

In just one year from now Apple will introduce an i-Pod the size of a tooth that will store every song ever recorded. It can be installed in place of one of your own teeth and turned on by speaking to it. You just say "i-pod, play me 'Beer Barrel Polka' by the Lawrence Welk Orchestra" and it plays it, no earphones necessary since it's already installed in your head. As soon as ten million units are sold Apple will introduce a smaller one that fits inside your ear. There will be two of them to create a stereo effect and they will be no bigger than a pin head, which is what the people who had a perfectly good tooth removed for the earlier version will feel like.

In the year 2015 the United Nations will make it official that all future Secretaries General must have amusing names. In the tradition of Boutros-Boutros Ghali and Ban Ki-moon, the newest Secretary General will be an American named Bubba-like Substance. The move will be seen as a true reflection of the effectiveness of The U.N. The mandate on silly names will remain in force until the United Nations does something anywhere on Earth that makes a difference to anybody at all. Until then they figure the name thing will be good enough to at least provide a chuckle or two for the world while it waits for that august body to get its act together.

In the year 2028 robots will be introduced that are so human in appearance that people will have sex with them, able to program their robots for any fantasy they like. In the year 2029 they will be banned since nobody has shown up for work since the robots were introduced as the divorce rate approaches 100% and no babies have been born. In the year 2030 the robots will be mass-produced in order to curtail the world-wide rioting that occurred as a result of the recall. Human reproduction will be handled by clone farms and the children will be raised and educated by Mommy and Daddy robots constructed for that purpose. Twenty years later the first neuroses-free generation of humans comes of age.

In only one month from now worldwide headlines will be made when no celebrity anywhere on the planet is arrested for drunk driving, public lewdness or possession of drugs and none of them makes any stupid public statements. The following week they will get back on track with a whole slew of embarrassing gaffes and arrests to the great relief of news-gathering organizations everywhere that have pretty much forgotten how to gather actual news.

In the year 2035 a manned mission will return from Mars reporting that there is indeed life on the Red Planet, a civilization more advanced than our own, but only by about five or six years. The only things they will have that we don't is an umbrella that folds up to the size of a ball point pen, disposable razors with eight blades and velcro that doesn't make that shredding sound when you pull it apart. People will wonder if the whole deal was worth all the time, money and effort expended to visit the Martians who, as it turns out, don't like us at all and tell us never to return.

In the year 2019 medical science will declare a breakthrough in the fight against some condition that they made up the year before called TMD or Traumatic Memory Disorder, something about phantom memories of childhood trauma that people have sort of forgotten about but through treatment and expensive drugs can now relive over and over again. So instead of moving on with our lives we can now wallow in our humiliation and pain. In 2020 people rise up as one and bitch slap the doctors who invented the syndrome, ordering them to get to work on curing some real diseases.

For Super Bowl LXXXVIII the NFL stops using Roman Numerals when they realize nobody knows that it means 88 anymore and that it was an outrageous pretense for a football game to begin with, nor will it fit on the souvenir caps and T-shirts.

In February 2009, only a month after his Presidency ends, the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Pronto Flat Tire Repair Service will open in Crawford, Texas. Customers can peruse Dubya's extensive Marvel Comic Books collection while waiting for their tires to be fixed. Karl Rove manages the shop for Mr. Bush, who will hold the title of company president.

In the year 2100 the world's oils reserves will finally run dry. In a surprise move, auto manufacturers will announce that their cars run just as well on moonshine whiskey and always have but nobody ever bothered to ask. West Virginia will emerge as the new Saudi Arabia, minus the sand and the hostile culture.

In the year 2046 the New York Knicks basketball team will win the NBA championship in Isiah Thomas' 40th year as head coach. Thomas, 79 years old, had previously amassed the most losses by any coach in any major sport in history. His boss, Knicks owner James Dolan, 85, said it was "sweet vindication" for 40 years of people questioning his eye for coaching talent. "I always knew he had it in him," said Mr. Dolan. "It takes some coaches longer than others to establish their system." When asked for a comment, Coach Thomas refused to break his 30 year silence with the press, instead giving the middle finger salute indicating his team is finally Number One.

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Politics

JOHN EDWARDS: GOOD POLICIES, BETTER HAIR

No Comments 26 January 2008

John Edwards, former United States Senator from South Carolina and candidate for the vice presidency in the last presidential election is running a very close third to Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton in the race to secure the Democratic Party's nomination for president. The media makes it seem like a two horse race even so early in the campaign, unfairly writing off Mr. Edwards with more than 6 months to go before the Democratic Convention and almost 10 months before the general election in November. Well, guess again. John Edwards understands it's a long process that has barely begun. And on balance, Edwards seems to have the best policies of any Democratic candidate and a real working knowledge of our nation and the world around us.

He has his drawbacks, to be sure, and I'm not referring to his background as a wealthy litigator. If anything, I think his experience fighting large corporations in court gives him a more realistic feel for their ruthlessness and rapacity. The next president will face a corporate world far more empowered by the corporate presidency he or she will be replacing. The various lobby groups for big business on Capitol Hill are stocked with powerful and knowledgeable former Senators and Congressman reaping millions to subvert the government they once pretended to serve. I think Edwards' adversarial experience will better enable him to battle the multinationals as they attempt to completely take over the United States government instead of merely dominating it as they do now.

His drawback is his perfect hair and game show host/TV weatherman good looks. While America likes to elect good looking men with a full head of hair, John Edwards just might be too good looking, his hair just a little too perfect. Not only that, he seems like a decent guy, reasonable and mature. Not what a lot of Americans look for in a president. Don't know why that is, but we seem to elect some fairly odd people to lead us. Anybody remember Nixon? Wow! A very strange man indeed. How about Reagan? He was totally nuts, a delusional old fart who deluded a large segment of the population who wanted to believe his nonsense. Guess the joke was on us. Bill Clinton? A slick charmer but at least pretty bright, so you wonder why he did such dumb things like export so many American jobs with that whole NAFTA fiasco and fail to tell Congress that his penis was none of their damned business. He wound up outsmarting himself and surrendering the Congress to another real sleazy ball of wax, Newt Gingrich.

Then you have our current president Bush the Younger, a complete moron representing the single most bizarre choice of a President in American history. It's like that Peter Sellers' movie "Being There" in which a simpleton rises to power. Only the reality of it isn't comedy but a national tragedy, even if it is pretty damned funny sometimes. America didn't want to admit the joke was on us again and so reelected the boob and his team of puppet masters to four more years of zany ineptitude, Treasury looting and declaring war on the wrong country, the one hat never attacked us. Just goes to show you how very much we miss The Three Stooges.

So maybe this Edwards guy is too normal of a human being to be our president. Even the media can't find much dirt on the guy and they live for that crap. The biggest scandal they found was that he paid four hundred bucks for a haircut, something a lot of rich people do. Hell, a lot of those media people are put together by a sizable team of makeup artists, hairdressers and clothing experts before they're allowed to go on the air and still don't look as good as John Edwards. Maybe they're jealous. Or maybe political writers and TV pundits don't like more than two viable candidates, not being as smart as the rest of us who can pretty much follow any number of candidates. This is not a game or a TV show to voters, this is a presidential election at a critical time in American history. Can we hear all the voices out there, all the ideas?

Who the hell appointed or elected the TV clowns to decide who is or is not a viable candidate? What interests them doesn't necessarily interest regular people. And what's all that bullshit about race and gender? What about the damned issues? Don't waste limited and valuable TV time asking childish questions and don't try to dictate to the candidates what are the important issues. By definition presidential candidates decide what are the issues that are important to them and that's why they run for president; to address certain issues or to advance particular ideas. Nobody runs for president to remedy the things that worry Wolf Blitzer and Bill O'Reilly. Let them run for president if they're so hot and bothered about the stupid shit they think about. See how many votes they</> get.

So let's not allow TV talking heads to declare the Democratic race a two candidate show. John Edwards is right there with Barrack Obama and Hillary Clinton and has a chance to win the nomination whether or not that sits well with the the media or ruins the script they would prefer to follow. Nobody really gives a rat's ass what newscasters think anyway. They're merely wealthy corporate spokesman for the most part and completely out of touch with reality. Most of them are shallow and phony blowhards with an axe of some sort to grind and who are completely dependent on ratings, just like any other TV show. Are these the people anybody but themselves wants to define the parameters of political discussion or affect the electoral process in this country? I don't think so. So let Mr. Edwards and his perfect hair have their say and shut the hell up about things you know nothing about. Go bother Mitt Romney and his hair. Or better yet, go read a newspaper and see how real reporting is done.

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Politics

LET’S CHANGE THE WHOLE CONGRESS

No Comments 24 January 2008

Next year we get a new president. There's a whole lot of empty suits running for the presidency, none of them worth mentioning because they're hacks and liars and most of them are obviously deranged. Then there's Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, two strikingly different Presidential candidates. With Hillary the only difference from the hacks and liars is her gender, having shown herself to be just as sneaky and two-faced a political operator as the big boys. Big deal. So now we should elect a woman because she's learned to be just as odious as the gray men in the gray suits? I don't think so. Does it matter where your politics as usual comes from? Cold, calculating and manipulative are what we've been dealing with in our leaders for too long, so changing genders in the oval office is like changing the hood ornament on a wrecked car and putting it back on the street. Outside of Barack Obama I don't detect an ounce of passion for leading America.

The others are all running simply because they want to be President. Not good enough. Any positions they adopt are merely means towards that end, not a reflection of strong convictions or a meaningful vision. Barack Obama is the only different candidate out there. He's running because he wants to make a difference, not supply more of the same old same old. He's intelligent , charismatic and driven by the need to change the cynical way political business is done in America. He's the only candidate out there calling upon the American people to live up to our potential and become once again the America that counts for something noble and good. He also wants to end the insane war of aggression and the rapacious occupation Bush the Younger forced on Iraq. For that alone he should win in a landslide.

In these cynical times too many people are saying his message is naive. Was Kennedy's? FDR's? Those guys ran campaigns asking Americans to stand up for their fellow Americans and make this country the beacon of freedom and opportunity it was always meant to be and the changes they implemented in our society are still with us and still benefit every American. Without these two naive dreamers, there would be no Social Security, no Civil Rights, no Peace Corps, no workers compensation insurance and no man on the moon to name but a few of their accomplishments. These were men who saw possibilities, not limitations. Men who were not afraid to show their passion for America and their compassion for Americans. Men unafraid to dream and to act on those dreams.

I'm not saying Obama is in that league, but he just might be. It's certainly worth finding out. Hell, we gave a bumbling executioner eight years as President and he screwed it up in every way a president can possibly screw up. The Republic survived his venal assault on all things American and now it's time for a radical change if we want to reclaim who we are. You say we cannot afford a dreamer? I say we cannot afford not to dream. Where would we be without dreamers like Jefferson, Washington, Madison, Adams, Paine and Franklin? We'd be a commonwealth of the British Empire most likely. How about that hopeless idealist Abe Lincoln? Did he make a difference? Ask Obama's supporters who are hoping to elect a black man as president of the United States.

Let's elect Barack Obama our next president and vote out the entire Congress while we're at it, really send a message to Washington that we're sick and tired of their entrenched power and automatic reelection. Over 90% of the Congress gets routinely reelected. Why? Are 90% of these bozos effective leaders who care about the people they represent? You tell me. Have you ever seen a map of some of the Congressional districts some of these people represent? They have been stretched and twisted and jerrymandered to the point where they resemble the snakes that represent them. Congressional districts are created only to reelect the incumbent, not to effectively represent the people living in them.

So since the Congress has been taking us for dopes for so long, why not turn the tables on them and toss them all out? That's the only thing that will get the attention of the business as usual politicians, put them out of business and elect somebody else. It will also serve notice on their replacements that they have no license whatsoever to build their little power bases and stymie progress with their patronage and pork barrel scavenging of our treasury. If they don't respond, kick them out too in the next election. They work for us, not the the way around so let them know who's the boss in no uncertain terms. Senators and Congressmen are our employees and if you're not satisfied with their on-the-job performance, well, let them enjoy one of the fruits of that dreamer FDR: unemployment insurance.

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Politics

THE GREAT BOGIE MAN SCAM

No Comments 22 January 2008

Is there a bigger scam out there than racism? A scam? Yes, a scam. Think about it. People are taught to hate each other from a very young age and by the time we grow up it's sort of ingrained with the rest of our automatic assumptions; the sky is blue, the moon moves the tides and ______ people (you fill in the blank) are scum. Then you get out in the world and experience things for yourself. Sure enough, the sky remains blue, the oceans never miss a change of tides but then you meet people who you're supposed to hate and you find out they're really okay. It happens once and you wonder what's up, maybe I met the one good one. Then it happens a bunch more times and you realize you've been had. Maybe you're pissed off or just bewildered but you know something's very wrong with the picture.

If you're honest with yourself you stop hating people for no reason. There's only so long you can tell yourself that so-and-so is alright but the rest of them deserve my hatred. Then you meet and interact with more of them and it seems that all the people of the hated race that you get to know are screwing with your head by being regular human beings just like your own particular ethnic group. And just like your own bunch some of them are real jerks, some of them may also be filled with unreasonable hate and rage but for the most part they're a pretty decent group of people doing their best in a difficult world. Again you wonder what gives and you begin asking questions about the basic assumptions that were instilled in you from very early on in life.

Then you get really angry. You might know your history and can't help but be aware of current events and it seems like everybody's hating everybody else and doing horrible things to one another when by now you'd think people would know better. How can such a ridiculous notion last for thousands of years? Maybe most people never really got to know their fictional "enemy." Living in New York, you sort of can't help but rub elbows with every nationality and ethnic group you can think of, but that's no answer. New York can also be a very impersonal place if that's how you choose to operate, a place where it's possible to insulate yourself from any meaningful contact with others, even members of your own little group.

There's also plenty of small towns where people who hate each other live side by side and there's really no getting around knowing somebody a least a little bit in a small town. But still a lot of people hate people of difference. There's Whites who hate Blacks, Blacks who hate Whites, Latins who hate Blacks and Whites, Whites who hate Jews, all sorts of people who hate Muslims these days, except of course the guy you know at 7-11 who's okay, Blacks who hate Jews, Whites who hate Blacks, Jews, Latins and Arabs equally, Jews who hate Blacks, Whites who hate other Whites like Italians or Germans or Irish or whatever. A real hate fest, and not only in America but all over the world. It's a joke. A sad one, but still a joke.

The saddest sacks to me are the White Supremacists in America, a place where white people are already pretty much supreme without the help of these trailer trash morons. If you notice, these blowhard White Supremacists almost exclusively inhabit the bottom rungs on the ladders of education, achievement, intelligence, financial and social status, not only in comparison the their fellow Whites but all of humanity. Real supreme, eh? Their most famous offshoot, the brutal Aryan Brotherhood, operates almost exclusively in prisons and those who are out of prison soon return there like homing pigeons.

Don't these people own mirrors? Can't they see what idiots they are? The closest they will ever get to the really supreme White people, the rich ones who own and operate this country, will be to pump gas into their gleaming sedans, maybe wipe their windshields and doff their caps for good measure, hoping for a small tip. Well, maybe these clowns are a bad example of what I'm trying to get at. Stupid people like that are too easy to pick on. There's nothing worse to be done to them than leave them alone to be the pathetic losers they will be for the rest of their lives. Anyone who tattoos his hatred across his forehead is telling you flat out that his racism is his best friend and pretty much all he's got going for him. All you can do is hope their children might wake up and smell the coffee, or at least not preach violence against coffee-colored people.

I'm talking about regular people with good heads on their shoulders who should know better. Most people are very bright and well capable of thinking for themselves and they usually do. There are, however, some glaring exceptions in the thinking clearly department. Most are harmless, like when we attribute all sorts of virtues to our favorite sports stars or celebrities that they don't possess or blindly assume that we are the best drivers on the road, or cooks in the kitchen or lovers in bed. Those assumptions hurt no one (except maybe the driving thing) and give us a little self esteem. It is the failure to confront our useless hatred that really holds people back. Some otherwise lucid people who can see through a lot of false assumptions and who teach their children to have open minds never get around to investigating their own contradictions.

First, you have to ask yourself: Who does it benefit if I hate another group of human beings to the point of distraction? Distraction is a key word here because a distracted person takes his eye off the ball. And when you take your eye off the ball in sports it winds up in the hands of your opponent and you lose the game. In life that ball would be wealth and property. The opponents would be the people who take more than their share of it, to the point where 35,000 people every single day starve to death on a bountiful planet. A little extreme? Sure it is. It's very extreme when you're child is one of those dying that slow agonizing death.

Admittedly, being an American, I've never seen or known anyone who has starved to death. It is my great good fortune to have been born into a nation wealthier than any nation has ever been and where there's so much food even a lot of our poor people are fat, and where there's so much money even our poor own cell phones, televisions and enjoy a lot of other amenities including heat, hot water, electricity, proper sanitation facilities and the like that we take for granted but are certainly not universal amenities for the world's poor. Hell, a in a lot of places they're lucky to have water: running, muddy, malarial or otherwise.

I'm not saying America is a paradise but it's pretty much as close as human beings have come to creating one so far. It's one of the few places where people openly discuss their racism and realize it's dead wrong. Even if it is by the clumsy method of the passage of laws to ensure civil rights and equal opportunities for all, we are at least engaged in trying to confront and subdue racism. This is the country who gave the world the concept of a nation created on ideas and ideals rather than ethnicity, religion, monarchy or territory. It's still a place where Have-Nots can become Haves.

That said, the execution of those American ideas and ideals has been pretty inconsistent. Ask Native Americans how that worked out for them. Ask Blacks who were still enslaved for 87 years after the United States declared that all men were created equal. Ask Japanese Americans who were forced into concentration camps when Japan attacked America at the beginning of World War II. And what was World War II if not a gigantic exercise of racial and ethnic warfare, leaving 50 million humans dead and the question of racism unresolved? Let historians say what they like about the ideals of Fascism versus Democracy or tyranny versus freedom, but the bottom line was that people were being attacked and slaughtered for who they were, not anything they did or said. At least that was so in the minds of ordinary soldiers and civilians of the attacking nations who were led to believe these people were evil and a direct threat to them by their very existence.

The real reason they were attacked or imprisoned and murdered was what they had what others wanted. It might be wealth, it might be farmland, or oil or seaports, but it was an attempt to take by force what others had that the attackers did not. Sharing and trading in good faith seemed out of the question since everybody seemed to hate everybody else so war was declared. Mostly the war was declared on human sanity and the whole world joined the bloodbath. Were the British innocent victims of Fascist aggression? Ask the billion or so world citizens who lived under the iron fist of their rapacious Empire at the time.

Were the Germans forced to kill millions to avenge a bad Peace Treaty of Versailles that doomed their nation to poverty since they lost the previous race war, commonly known as World War I? Well, in case no one noticed, the same unemployment and destitution was occurring all over the world. It was called The Great Depression and eventually lifted, and so it would have as well for Germany without the Blitzkrieg. Imagine the monumental national effort that went into building the Nazi war machine being channeled into peaceful industrialization and rebuilding and you get the picture of a prosperous society once again trading in good faith with neighboring nations. Didn't happen. Hitler and hatred won the day and the hearts and minds of a nation.

Did Japan have no other choice but to devastate, loot and enslave China and attack Britain and America in the Pacific to challenge Anglo-American hegemony over that hemisphere? These are the questions historians ask and one presumes they are valid areas of inquiry. But not many historians wonder how it is that so very many people considered other people to be sub-humans worthy only of enslavement or annihilation. All that talk of Master Races and Empires of The Sun are pretty old hat and have been around for time immemorial. It was only during World War II that humans had the technical wherewithal to blow a good chunk of the the world and 50 million of their brethren to shreds.

What about the designation of being God's Chosen People? How convenient was that? Nothing like the sanction of God to justify slaughtering a rival group down to the last man, woman and child and taking their land, their wealth and their cities as one's own. Religion is a very useful tool for the powerful who wish to motivate their citizens to act very irreligiously indeed, to kill God's children and steal their possession for God's sake. How you can wrap your mind around that one is beyond me. Of course the average person didn't share in the great wealth stolen in these "holy" wars, only the elite few, but the rank and file had the satisfaction of killing for God and glorifying their kings and priests.

And then there's the Chines Dynasties who for centuries considered the rest of the world to be inhabited by apes with pants. Their people bought into it, too, even though they were treated considerably worse than apes by their royal masters, who lived very well indeed, their every whim indulged by scurrying servants. And if said servants didn't scurry fast enough or bow low enough there were other servants handy to chop them up into pieces. The sad fact is that there was never any shortage of bowers and scrapers willing to take their place, figuring it was a better deal than starving.

The Romans weren't so shy about stating that Roman citizens were superior to other humans. With that assumption they persuaded a lot of ordinary citizens to conquer and loot most of the known world. Again, only the elite few shared in the great wealth but yet the average citizen of Rome felt it was his duty to kill and maim in order to have the wealthiest and most bloodthirsty emperor to rule over them completely, confusing wealth and evil with glory and honor. How dumb is that? Very dumb, but it continued for centuries. When the Spanish encounered civilizations in South America every bit as advanced as their own except in the weaponry department they industriously destroyed those civilizations, enslaved the populations and dutifully sent back the incredible riches they stole back to their king and the tiny minority of wealthy aristocracy. Make any sense to you?

We had our own brand of elitism here called Manifest Destiny, the idea that White men would civilize and own the New World. Again, only a few grew wealthy while the rest toiled and bled to build their empires. Americans revel in the fact that we have so many mega-rich people here, never stopping to reflect upon how it was that the super-rich replaced royalty in the hero-wordship compartments of our brains. And like people everywhere in the world from the beginning of civilization, we hated who we were taught to hate and in general removed these people either from life itself or from being in the way of building someone else's great fortune. Never in history did it seem to occur to the rank and file to ask: "Where's my grand palace, dammit? Where's my golden goblet?" or "Why am I burying another comrade to glorify some asshole who doesn't even know we exist?"

Well it's long past time to ask those questions. It's too late to save the 6 million Jews slaughtered in the Holocaust. Too late to save the uncounted millions of Blacks who died in the bowels of slave ships or the millions more enslaved. Too late to un-drop the atomic bombs that vaporized two Japanese cities or resurrect the millions of victims of Japan's own racism and intolerable cruelty. We cannot un-destroy so many of Europe and Asia's artistically beautiful cities, the work of centuries gone forever.

It's too late to reassemble the mystical Aztec and Mayan civilizations or the many proud nations of Native North Americans, their cultures nearly eradicated, their once proud people herded into dusty preserves like Africa's lions. Too late for the lynched Black men in the Jim Crow era, too late for all the American soldiers buried all over the world who died fighting for ideals their country does not always practice, too late for a lot of people who were trampled underfoot throughout history for no reason except to make rich men even richer, powerful men even more powerful.

So let's wake the hell up and snap out of it. It's not too late for us and it's not too late for our children. Ask yourself what benefit any of us has gained from hating another human being. Ask yourself if the personal cost of harboring hatred in our minds advances our intellect or stifles it. And ask yourself who is the beneficiary of this hate. Ask yourself what honor there is in hatred. Who loses more human dignity, the slave or the slave holder, an owner of men? Ask why you fear other men who are but slightly different from yourself. Ask why you feel anger towards people who have done you no harm. So much of our anger is merely the violent backlash of fear, and you have to wonder who instilled that fear so deeply.

As an American, do you find yourself hating Iraqi people? And if so, why? They didn't come to America and kill one out of 25 Americans. It was America who did that to them, and in your name! Do you hate all Muslims because we're supposedly in a life and death struggle with them? I haven't noticed one here in America, and I live in a town that was viciously attacked by Muslim terrorists. Who benefits from this contrived global struggle? Not you or me, that's for sure. Not our dedicated and honorable soldiers either. The oil millionaires are doing pretty well for themselves, as are giant corporations like Halliburton and their ilk. A very small amount of people have been making a huge amount of wealth prosecuting this hate-feuled warfare.

And do you notice that when the super-wealthy of different nations get together they get along swimmingly no matter what their skin color, religion or ethnicity might be? They know none of that matters. They also know it is in their vital interest for it to matter a hell of a lot to you. Who do you think provides the funds for these little hate clubs? It sure isn't the morons who belong to them, most of whom couldn't plan and organize a decent meal, never mind a worldwide scam.

Why isn't that obvious when our wealthy President walks hand in hand with the multi-billionaire King of Saudi Arabia, the nation that supplied 15 of the 19 hijackers of 9/11/01 and is the homeland of their master, Osama Bin Laden and also a notorious bankroller of hate organizations? Can things be any more transparent? Presidents, kings and corporate princes know exactly what they are doing when they stir up racial hatreds. None of them take it personally because they know these concepts do not apply to themselves. That are not racists at all, they hate nobody and feel no sting when others hate their particular race. They are elitists, of course, but that's a different concept.

These people can't afford to harbor racist ideas, or any other notion that interferes with the acquisition of more and more wealth and power. Not because they don't possess ample amounts of both already, simply because that is their main occupation, amassing wealth and power and exerting control over the masses. Without that control over the vast majority of humanity, their unchecked greed and lust for power would be in jeopardy. And being such a tiny minority, controlling the masses is impossible by force alone. Slavery, tyranny and warfare always end sooner or later, usually later and at the cost of much misery and bloodshed, but still they do end eventually.

So what better way to control people than by setting them at each other's throats? It costs next to nothing and it's the gift that keeps on giving forever and ever, a new hater born every 8 seconds into this world, another sucker buying into the scam that someone else is inferior to himself and an evil being and thus eligible to be stripped of his rights, his property, his freedom and ultimately his very humanity. It's the best scam ever, the Bogie Man Scam. Why argue with success? On the other hand, maybe it's time we suckers that are born every minute of every day take a peek behind the curtain of the Great and Powerful Oz and check out that flabby little old man pushing our buttons so expertly and ask him just what the hell he thinks he's doing. Give the bastard two quick slaps and a swift kick in the ass while we're at it.

Are we too embarrassed about being fooled for all these centuries to admit the truth? Or are we so in love with our hatred that we can't part with it? The Great and Powerful Oz is but an optical illusion, a giant ball of flaming gas used to keep us cowering in fear at its power and majesty, obedient to its every command to hate our bothers and sisters and to kill them and lay their wealth at the feet of the Great Wizard. How long are we going to appease a ball of flaming gas by letting fear and hatred eat our souls? Well, like Samuel Goldwyn once said: "Gentlemen, include me out."

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D.O.P.O.T.O.

GANG MEMBERS ARE BASICALLY COWARDS AND OTHER ITEMS FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF STATING THE OBVIOUS

No Comments 21 January 2008

Plenty of news lately about gangs of all sorts; Crips, Bloods, M-13, Aryan Brotherhood, Hells Angels and the old standbys the Mafia and Tongs and their like, as always murdering, stealing, raping, extorting, drug dealing, shylocking and generally terrorizing the land. Bunch of chicken shit punks, the lot of them. Can't stand up to this world on their own and so like rats they run in packs. That's how it always was with gangs, that's how it is today and that's how it's going to stay. They're real tough guys in large numbers intimidating the weak and helpless but there isn't a man jack among them tough enough to make it on their own in this world. If they could they would but they can't so they don't. They surrender their lives to the collective identity of a gang thinking it will earn them the respect they are incapable of earning on their own. Guess again, Flash. Fear and revulsion is not respect. Respect is earned by those deserving of it, so don't confuse your tiny little brain with delusions of adequacy.

Anybody can be a bad ass when he's heavily armed and backed up by a bunch of cowardly bullies much like himself. It takes a real man to make it in this world without a gang, to walk the line and do his work and take care of his family and hold his head high because he's not getting his at the expense of anybody else but instead by by his own sweat and smarts. Men and women who live their lives without having to look over their shoulders or hide their faces in shame are the real tough ones, honorable adults worthy of respect. The kind of respect that lingers after they have left the room. They need no gang to protect them or to give them an identity they cannot forge for themselves. The silly tattoos, oaths, phony codes of hollow "honor" and secret decoder ring hand signals are for grownup children unable to face the world as adults. Get a life and grow up already. Stand on your own two feet like a man, you sniveling punk!

Does anybody give a rat's ass about surges and political progress in Iraq anymore? Will even complete success on the part of our military make the Iraqis whole again and restore their nation to any semblance of order? Do they have a snowball's chance in hell of becoming a politically stable entity? According to reports from the desk of The Department of Stating the Obvious, NO, no they don't. Our war of aggression has broken that nation and all the King's horses and all the King's men aren't putting that Humpty Dumpty back together again anytime soon.

What aren't any of the presidential candidates talking about that? Why didn't anybody listen to Colin Powell when he warned the Bush Administration: "You break it, you buy it!"? Well we broke Iraq into smithereens, fellow Americans. What do we do now? What's the plan, Stan? Anybody out there have any spare sons and daughters they wouldn't mind having killed or maimed in a hopeless cause because we're sort of running out? No? Didn't think so. Dang! These optional wars of aggression are a real bitch, ain't they? Real brain busters! Maybe we shouldn't do this anymore. You think?

Chinese authorities are turning to American security firms to provide protection for the Beijing Olympics. Watch out what you wish for, Chinese tyrants! Blackwater mercenaries make more problems than they solve. And they're not so easy to get rid of once you hire them since they are armed better than most of the world's armies. I could be wrong but I don't think another Tiananmen Square Massacre would go down so well with the Chines public if it was the trigger-happy Blackwater Guards mowing down unarmed civilians like they did in Baghdad one sunny afternoon when they were bored. And what about America? Who's going supply all the shoddy crap they sell at Wal-Mart if the Chinese get pissed off at us? If I was the current big shot Chinese tyrant I'd go with an Italian firm. Or better yet, do like we do and outsource the job to India! A couple of frustrating phone calls to some guy with a thick accent claiming his name is Jimmy ought to thwart any potential terrorist by causing him to blow himself up with his suicide bomb in frustration, thus sparing the lives of innocent Synchronized Swimming fans. Okay, okay, I know there are no innocent fans of Synchronized Swimming, but you get the point.

It's only about 6 weeks now until baseball players start reporting to Spring Training. First come pitchers and catchers, then two weeks later the position players arrive. Shortly after that the personal trainers show up with the latest undetectable batch of Hercules drugs! Then comes the agents and lawyers to patiently explain that of course their clients are bigger and stronger than Lowland Gorillas because they are actually Clydesdale Humans and not regular people. Makes sense, no?

Funny how the football players seem to be getting a pass on this whole steroid thing. In a sport that has always put a premium on size and bulk, today's football players are incredibly huge, dwarfing the football greats of even 20 years ago. Hall of Famers like Dick Butkas and Mean Joe Green look like anorexic accountants by comparison. Not being a scientist, maybe I'm unaware of some new evolutionary leap that has produced humans that are not only six-foot six and weigh 350 pounds but are also quick and nimble. Used to be be that either you were six-six and 350 or quick and nimble, never both.

Or maybe it's not evolution after all and I'm barking up the wrong human oak tree here. Maybe it's a new instance of Creationism! Maybe God thought it would be amusing to create some humans the size of Toyotas who could also outrun Cheetahs and exhibit the grace and balance of mountain goats. Half our worthy Republican Presidential candidates seem to believe in Creationism and have even given it a spiffy new name: Intelligent Design. Who are we to argue with such towering intellects? Well, I don't know about the intelligent part but designing a new human body seems to be the aim of modern athletics. If that's the way to go I say really go for it and shoot for extra limbs!

Okay, four arms might make judging a boxing match more difficult but that's a small price to pay witnessing the hand(s) of God in action creating new and exciting forms of human life. You think he intelligently designed these big old brains of ours only to have us not use them? No way! The more I think about it the more I'm convinced that he means us to really be in his image and likeness, just like it says there in the good old Good Book. About time we're finally getting with the program and playing God! If we keep on tinkering, who knows, maybe someday we can come up with a twenty-foot tall track and field champion who can hurl lightning bolts and change the course of mighty rivers! Can't wait…

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Humor, Politics

THINGS THAT WILL CHANGE WHEN I’M RUNNING THE WORLD

No Comments 19 January 2008

When I’m running the world there’s going to be some changes around here. For one thing, there won’t be a list of ingredients for bottled water. Maybe that seems like a small thing but that’s one of the things that bugs me, all those zeros next to calories, protein, carbohydrates, vitamins and the like. It’s basically a list of nothing. It’s just water and if anyone needs a further explanation, well, what can you say about people like that? If someone doesn’t understand the concept of water there’s no sense wasting your breath explaining it, never mind all that ink on the labels. Just hand them a broom and instruct them to try to make themselves as useful as such people can be.

Of course they might need broom instructions, but after a week or so they’ll get the hang of it. That’s another thing I’d change, all those warning and instruction labels on things like buckets, cigarette lighters, toys with no moving parts, shampoo and all the things that have been around for as long as civilization has. Anybody that needs instructions to wash their own hair might want to join my Broom Brigade. And anyone who’s life is in peril when using a bucket is a prime candidate for the thinning of the herd. In my Brave New World, you cannot lay claim to being an adult if you don’t realize that an open flame can be dangerous, with or without a warning label to tell you so.

And when I’m running things I’m going to find the guy that put those stickers on the rear view mirrors of our cars warning us of the relative size of that eighteen-wheeler barreling down on us and hand him a broom too. Didn’t he realize that people are pretty much aware of how big most things are? If it was him who had a problem gauging the size of objects even small children can judge accurately from any distance, how did he get to be in charge of the Annoying Label Administration? Did he think that drivers were cavemen awe-struck at the sight of a mirror, thinking maybe the magic glass captured tiny cars and pedestrians? And if that’s what he was thinking, why did he print the label in English instead of putting some sort of cave painting symbols on there? Maybe a baby Wooly Mammoth superimposed on an adult Wooly Mammoth. But that would be an abstract idea, a bit beyond cavemen’s abilities, wouldn’t it? So much for that idea, which is what the mirror label guy should have told himself in the first place and did something productive with his time, like tidying up.

Outside of poisons, medicines and complex machinery, I will ban warning labels and tell people to figure out for themselves what is and is not harmful or fatal if swallowed or whether or not it’s okay to stand on the paint tray of their step ladders. I’m sure the emergency rooms will have no change whatsoever in treating stupidity-related injuries. Most people figure things out pretty well for themselves. As for those who don’t? Well, no amount of warning labels or patient instruction will change them. Ask the people who run the emergency rooms. Those they treat for stupid injuries are either small children who cannot read yet anyway or adults in sore need of two quick slaps. So don’t burden the rest of us with warning labels on checkerboards and hot cups of coffee.

Another thing I’d change is allowing computer companies to “upgrade” the operating system you’re used to for no reason at all. Or barring that, I’d insist they give you the option of keeping Windows ‘98 or whichever one you were happy with. And being the boss of the world, I’d do this for my mother. Her new computer has a so-called advanced operating system that won’t do the things her old one did nor will it recognize the games she likes that are installed in her computer and that she paid good money for to the same company that changed her system without asking permission. That’s not progress, that’s just annoying, and greedy to boot. I’d order these computer wizards to stop forcing the public to dance to their incomprehensible tune simply because they can.

Nobody really gives a rat’s ass about all the things that computers are capable of doing and in a dozen lifetimes would never use most of the features these people think are “neat.” I’d encourage the geeks in the software industry to think Useful, Entertaining and Responsive when it comes to computers in people’s houses and leave the electronic parlor tricks to themselves and NASA. And I’d also order them to lose their cutie pie baby talk and learn to speak the language like a grown up. Maybe get out more and mix with civilians, see what the world is like, maybe even get a date. You really do give people the creeps, you know. Don’t keep letting my mother down either or you’ll be sweeping her sidewalk.

Besides, what’s the point of being the boss of the whole world if you can’t do something for your mother? After all, it was she who taught me how to survive without any warning labels, instilling me instead with common sense and an admonition not to run with scissors. So far, so good. I’m still alive and I’ve never put anybody’s eye out. I have yet to be fooled by a mirror, have not swallowed any bleach and haven’t been stumped by the complexities of a toaster. Thanks, Mom.

I’d also put the brakes on the war on fat people. Do they offend anybody? Is it anyone else’s business what size clothes anybody else wears? Some of my best friends are fat. And who’s to say that someday people won’t start coming after skinny people like me? So I’d call off that war immediately and stop telling people what they can and can’t do with their own damned selves. I think everybody pretty much knows that doughnuts have a ton of calories and skim milk not so much. And if some joker wants to punch 53 holes in his face and adorn himself with all manner of silver rings, I say let him. He’s the one who’s got to get through the metal detector at the airport, not me. And if said metal head wants to tattoo every square inch of his body, I won’t stop him and I’ll try not to laugh too loud as he ages and that naked beauty that adorns his chest sags and wrinkles until she looks like Barbara Walters in the nude. And old age lasts a long time these days, Flash, so think hard about all that body art you’ll staring at in the mirror for decades.

When I’m running the big show I’ll let comedians tell any sort of joke that they like no matter who finds it offensive. People can vote with their feet and walk out on the comic if they don’t like what he or she is saying or turn the channel, it will be just that simple. And I won’t stop anybody in Hollywood who wants to make an honest movie or television show, if there is such a person. In real life, the last time I checked, there are very few workplaces that have a member of every ethnic group on their staffs. Kudos to those places who do, but let’s not pretend that’s the norm and we’re all lovey-dovey. There’s a reason why laws had to be passed in regards to civil rights and hate crimes and equal opportunity and the reason is us.

And speaking of showbiz, I feel very strongly that something must be done about Tom Cruise. Maybe he’s one instance where a warning label may be appropriate. Either that or hand him a broom. I’m sure he’ll figure out a way to use it better that other people who don’t have the benefit of being the #2 man in Scientology, making him pretty much an expert on everything that happens to cross his wandering mind, presumably sweeping included. Which you have to admit is pretty amazing for a guy who barely graduated high school at the fourth one he attended. He’ll make an excellent Broom Brigade instructor.

I’ll also order newspapers to feature a certain amount of actual news or change their titles to gossip magazines. Headlines about drunken blonde bimbos, psychotic celebrities like Tom Cruise, fat cops and how much a presidential candidate pays for a haircut don’t qualify as news. If I want a good laugh I read the comic strips or read a Bill O’Rightly column. I’d apply the same rules to network and cable news broadcasts. Not that I’d ban gossip reporting, people seem to like that stuff, I’d just make them change the title of their shows to reflect their content.

I’ll know if they took me seriously when they start hiring real journalists whether or not they look like game show hosts and boat show models. When a fat bald guy or a not particularly attractive woman who both happen to be very smart gets to be a news anchor I’ll know they’re serious. If they don’t listen, they can take instruction from Mr. Cruise on the optimum way to sweep up around here. Under my watch this place will be very tidy indeed.

Another thing I’ll tackle is the whole designated hitter fiasco in Major League Baseball. I say the hell with the designated hitter and let the pitcher take his hacks at the plate. Don’t forget, the greatest hitter ever, Babe Ruth, started his career as a pitcher. As far as the steroid issue, well, I’d let them take all they want, just out of curiosity to see just how big a human head can actually grow. It will be like those giant pumpkin-growing competitions, very amusing indeed. Unfortunately the brain doesn’t keep pace with the head growth so I suppose a lot of these human Clydesdales have their brains rattling around those big melons on their massive shoulders, but that’s the chance they take when they decide to imitate The Incredible Hulk, who’s not all that sharp either.

With our other major sports, I’d decree that their playoff schedule must not exceed the length of their regular season. What are basketball and hockey up to these days, fifteen rounds or so of playoffs good for months on end? Either that or let them assemble whatever team they can assemble, and immediately eliminate those teams who have no chance at all, skip the whole season and go directly to the playoffs. That would sure spare Knicks fans 82 games of grief. In football I’d knock off that two-week wait between the conference championships and the Super Bowl, thus sparing all sports fans all those insipid stories about players’ wives, traveling team secretaries and the guy who wears the silly team mascot suit, to say nothing of the interviews with the football players themselves.

Those inarticulate steroid-crazed giants only make fools of themselves when they actually try to put two coherent sentences together. Why embarrass them and expose their former universities as farm teams for the NFL, or if they deny that, forcing these football academies to admit what horrible schools they must be to produce such mumbling buffoons? “We’re gonna show who’s #1,” “We give 110%” and “We came here to play football” hardly qualify as insightful comments. You came to play football? Oh, really? That’s certainly a relief, and sort of what everyone was hoping for, no? I don’t think anybody tunes in to the Super Bowl to watch a ping pong tournament or a half time show with aging rock stars lip synching their greatest hits while fireworks set their hair extensions on fire, although I would encourage a little more tits and ass ala’ Janet Jackson. This way if the game is a lopsided bore like so many Super bowls are you can rewind the tape to some entertaining light porn.

What about soccer? Well, what about it? I only pay attention to major sporting events, not 22 guys running back and forth willy-nilly for an hour or so and producing maybe one goal if they’re lucky. It’s no wonder that announcer guy nearly has a stoke and shouts “Goooaaalll” for twenty minutes or so when the ball happens to find its way into the net once in a blue moon. That’s fine for children learning coordination, teamwork and the utter futility of so many of life’s endeavors, but as far as soccer players displaying any impressive athletic skills, well, I haven’t noticed any. The fact that it’s the most popular sport in the world doesn’t impress me. Tom Cruise is a popular movie star. That doesn’t make him sane. McDonald’s is a popular restaurant and that doesn’t make their food anything to write home about. So enough about soccer and popularity. Like I said, this is about when I’m running the world, not you. I barely tolerate hockey, so forget kick ball.

What else would I change in sports? I’d make all the different sanctioning bodies in boxing merge so we don’t have two or three different “world” champs in every weight class. Either you’re the champion of the world or you’re not the champion of the world, period. Let the boxing broadcasters yap all they want about the best pound for pound fighter of all time or currently or even in the future for all I care, but make the so-called multiple champions in every weight class get ready to rumble and see who’s best. I’d also eliminate some of the weight classes. What’s a cruiserweight? A yacht, maybe? What’s a super bantamweight, some kind of rooster? And what could a junior flyweight weigh, 50 or 60 pounds, tops? The average twelve year-old could kick their ass. All these new weight classes are simply excuses to create more champions, thus diluting that once meaningful and definitive title. And I’d hand Larry Merchant a broom too. A duller and more pompous boxing commentator never lived, if living was how you’d describe his existence.

When I run the world rich people will pay the same amount of taxes everywhere. There will be no tax shelters anywhere and no countries where they can hide their dough. This might mean the Cayman Islands will have to go back to relying on on tourism but maybe I’ll throw them a bone and hollow out a mountain there for James Bond villains to live in while they plot my overthrow. They always have a ton of henchman around so the Caymans can make money selling them scuba gear and exotic cats. Any Bond villain worth his salt likes to have a strange looking cat on his lap while he laughs his Bwoo-hahaha evil laugh. But like all rich guys on my watch, he’ll have to pony up his fair share of taxes or I send in Bond, James Bond. And we all know how that turns out for hollow mountain-dwelling evil geniuses.

As far as Switzerland goes, they’ll also be out of the money-hiding business. The Swiss people will just have to redouble their efforts at making watches, chocolate, cheese with holes in it and those handy Swiss Army knives with the corkscrews. You have to figure that’s why they never fight in wars. Any nation that gives its soldiers a corkscrew as part of their standard issue equipment is wise to remain neutral when a shooting war starts. First they start with the wine drinking, then they put on the liederhosen, then comes the dancing and yodeling and before they know it they’re surrounded, which is probably why they are a landlocked nation situated at the top of the Alps where only mountain goats and extreme snowboarders feel at home. With nowhere else to go it’s no wonder the Swiss went into the banking business.

Now they’ll have another reason to remain neutral. When I run the world I won’t outlaw war, but I will require that the only people that can fight in them must be at least 60 years old and have a lot of money. I’ll also outlaw any weapon in warfare other than small wooden clubs like those miniature baseball bats teams hand out on Bat Day. With only rich old people allowed to go to war, that should take care of that nasty business in a hurry. Or if the rich old farts are really determined to fight a war, it ought to be pretty entertaining for a change instead of horrific. Hell, I’d even televise the whole thing and give everybody a real comedy treat, better than the Three Stooges.

So with no wars and rich people paying their taxes there will be a lot more money around to feed the hungry. Better yet, teach everybody to read first, then how to grow crops, irrigate fields and raise farm animals. And try to convince some people that maybe the desert isn’t the best place to locate your farm. Probably the only reason you’re living in that desert in the first place is that your ancestors lost a war a very long time ago, the winners of said war taking up residence in the fertile parts of the world where your people used to live. I don’t think your ancestors planned for you to remain in a barren place forever where you can’t feed your children.

Stay there if you insist, but don’t come bitching to me when you notice the rest of the world gaining weight while you waste away in your hut trying to keep the dust out of your eyes. We’ll send you enough food to live and a bunch of brooms to deal with the dust. That ought to keep them busy for a long, long time. And when their children grow up, now that they’re educated maybe they’ll figure out there are more hospitable places around to live your life and that it’s no badge of honor to bang your head against a wall for centuries on end. Just a thought.

I’m not promising a paradise when I’m running things, except maybe for me. But I will try to have things make sense. The things that don’t make any sense are generally there for a reason, that reason being that the majority of people will spend a lot of time trying to figure stuff out and fighting with one another over who’s right while a tiny minority scoops up the land and the wealth while the rest of us are so distracted. And the last thing that tiny minority wants is for people to realize they’ve been played and the enemy is not some other poor shnook with a different color skin or a different religion.

Every war is a scam to make somebody richer at your expense and every hate campaign is a tool carefully designed to keep us at one another’s throats. Ever wonder why even the most rabid racist will say that such-and-such a kind of people are the scum of the earth except for Joe, who he knows and likes? He’s “one of the good ones,” they’ll tell you. Well, multiply Joe by everybody in that such-and-such group and the odds are they’re all pretty good people, and maybe a lot of them hate your particular group for no good reason too, except of course the individuals they got to know personally. More “good ones,” more Joes, the exceptions to the rule? You tell me.

And the next time you pass a mansion with a big wall surrounding it and armed guards protecting the guy who lives there ask yourself why he needs all this protection in his own country among his own people. Is there something he doesn’t want you know about? Is there a pressing reason why he travels around with bodyguards and mixes only with his fellow rich people? Other than his money and expensive toys, what else does he need to protect that the police force can’t help him with? Oh, yeah, that would be the whole idea that we’re all supposed to hate each other for no reason and make it easy for these people to scoop up all the marbles while we’re arguing over the rules of the game. Most likely they’ll hire one of us to do the scooping for them, too, and we’ll hand it over without asking why. When I’m running the world, the walls come down and the blinders come off.

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Humor

INTERVIEW WITH JOHN Q. PUBLIC

No Comments 18 January 2008

Well, I found him, Mr. Everyman, the Man in the Street, Joe Citizen himself. That's right folks, I met and interviewed John Q. Public! He's the guy we've been hearing about for a long time, the average citizen, a man with no solid opinion in the issues of the day, untouched by any bias whatsoever. According to popular lore, Mr. Public is a sort of a blank slate of a human being, a literary construct designed to bounce ideas off of in order to gauge the general reaction of the rest of the nation.

Well, to be honest, that sounded pretty idiotic to me. Why would anybody ask an opinion of a guy who had no opinions? I researched John Q. Public and found out he's quite a nincompoop. Now I'm wondering why I'm bothering to interview such a jerk. He turned out to be a pretty nondescript looking guy, not memorable in any way. Now that I think of it I probably couldn't describe the man if he had just robbed me at gunpoint, that's how average he looked, in height and weight, brown hair and brown eyes, no distinguishing features at all. How odd. Well, I made the appointment so now I was committed, so here goes:

BC: "So, Mr. Public, thank you for agreeing to sit down with bobcrespo.com for an interview. I appreciate your time."

JQP: "No problem. Mr. Dot Com."

BC: "Call me Bob."

JBQ: "Not bobcrespo?"

BC: "Boy, you really are an idiot, aren't you, John Q. Public?"

JPQ: "Why do you say that? You think all the Publics are idiots?"

BC: "You have a family?"

JPQ: "Of course! My full name is actually John Quincy Public VII. My son is Jon Q. Public VIII. John Q. Publics have been a prominent part of America for many generations, I'll have you know!"

BC: "I do know, that Mr. Public. I'm just wondering where you guys got eight women to produce your children. You and the previous six John Q's have been famous for being ciphers, men with no opinions who apparently never read a newspaper, form any preferences or even think about much at all."

JPQ: "Perfect husband material, Mr. Dot Com! I don't know how much you know about women, sir, but we John Q's know from long experience that a woman wants a husband to be the man she wishes him to be, not the man he actually is. Oh, they may pretend otherwise, but that's what they want. If that were not so, then why do most women spend so much of their waking hours trying to change the man she married? My wife has no such problem. I simply be the person she wishes me to be. It eliminates a lot of problems in the marriage.

BC: "For her it does. Is that okay with you?"

JPQ: "I'm John Q. Public, a man with no personality, remember? And I come from a long line of John Q. Publics who had no personalities and they did alright. Opinions are overrated. John Q. Publics can be anything people want us to be. Wives, bosses, loan officers, anybody. We generally get what we want by seeming to be the person they expect us to be. Do you know that I make 500,000 dollars a year doing a job I don't have a clue about? I just sort of act like I know what I'm doing. Being an idiot with no personality has some distinct advantages."

BC: "And none of that bothers you? Don't you ever want to speak your mind on anything?"

JQP: "Why ruin a good thing? My boss wants to get all blowhardy about some dumbass political position I agree with him a hundred percent. Next thing you know I've got a bigger office and a raise and a four day work week. My wife thinks everything Oprah says is gospel truth, and I agree wholeheartedly and we're doing the horizontal hula that night. I need a loan for something and act like I'm doing the bank a favor for taking their money and I get more than I need, even pay a lower percentage than they advertise. The rest I invest for a tidy profit. And some political writer wants to interview me to back up his cockamamie ideas about what the public believes, I agree with him too. Then they pay me very well for my trouble."

BC: "I'm not paying you!"

JQP: "Who cares? Nobody reads your stupid blog anyway."

BC: "Then why bother letting me interview you?"

JPQ: "Even John Q. Public needs to not agree with somebody sometimes. You think it's easy being a blank slate? It takes a hell of a lot of self control and personal denial. Discipline is like a rubber band, my friend; stretch it too far and it snaps! Once in a while I've got to let off some steam or I'll go nuts. I'm sick of you writers using me to reinforce your idiotic opinions and then telling the world what smart fellows you are. And while I'm at it let me tell you that my boss is an insufferable gasbag and my wife is a shallow ninny without an original thought in her pin head!"

BC: "Well, Mr. John Q, it seems you're having a fit of personality. You're actually offering opinions!"

JPQ: "Feels good, too, let me tell you."

BC: "And you're not afraid you'll be found out?"

JPQ: "Who's the dope, Mr. Dot Com? Like they'll ever read your blog! No, my secret is safe with you."

BC: "So you do hold a lot of opinions."

JPQ: "Who doesn't? I'm a human being just like anyone else. I just don't let them get in the way of making money, that's all. There's good money in being a blank slate. Beside, chocolate tastes just as good as vanilla when you come right down to it. Most things are like that, politics too. You think there's a hell of a lot of difference between Republicans and Democrats? Guess again, bobcrespo,com!

BC: "You're one cynical guy, Mr. Public."

JPQ: "If you pay me to be then I am. If you want me to be naive and the money is right, then I'll be naive. What do you want me to be?"

BC: "I want you to be out of here. You're a bigger jerk than I thought you were. And I hope your boss and your wife read this interview."

JPQ: "I'll just deny it, say you made it all up and I never met you. Who are they going to believe, some marginal blog writer with an axe to grind or John Q. Public, all things to all men? There's nobody better than me at convincing people I am what they want me to be, and believe me, my boss doesn't want to believe he's such a poor judge of character and my wife will never admit that her carefully constructed air castles are nothing but fluffy nonsense that I allow her to believe so I can get laid whenever I want. It is me that gives these people their identity by not having my own. They're actually bigger ciphers than John Q. Public could ever be! Once I work my magic on them it will be you looking the fool, not me. Don't worry about me."

BC: "So nothing is anything to you?"

JPQ: "Not at all. Getting what I want is everything to me and to hell with anybody else. It's a simple approach to life that I try not to clutter up with principles and ideals. Look how well it's worked for a lot of the politicians in this country. Why argue with success?"

BC: "Maybe because principles and ideals are important?"

JPQ: "To who? You? Maybe that's why you're broke. All you writers are the same, trying to make sense out things that don't make any sense, forming opinions about things you can't change, railing against the unfairness of it all. Who cares about all that crap? Me, I go with the path of least resistance and rake in the dough. And I sleep like a baby."

"BC: "What if it were you on the receiving end of some of the crap going on in this country and the world? Then what?"

JPQ: "But I'm not, and none of that will mean a damned thing to John Q. Public until that happens. And then I'll just pretend to be on the side that's winning and continue to make money and live the good life. Right and wrong are very elastic concepts to me. Whoever is in charge is right and they have my full support. Simple but effective. I don't need a Plan B."

BC: "Very simple. You'd make a good bureaucrat. For any form of government. You don't ask a lot of questions."

JPQ: "Questions usually come equipped with unpleasant answers."

BC: "Like this interview…"

JPQ: "It was your idea to interview John Q. Public, not mine."

BC: "Well, I guess I got my no-money's worth. Good day to you sir."

JPQ: "And to you too. That felt good! Now back to the business of looking after my own heinie."

Another disappointing interview. Who knew John Q. Public wasn't as malleable and compliant as he seems to be? Who figured him to be a smug, self-centered prick willing to say what others want to hear or pretend to believe anything that will ensure his continued comfort? So much for expectations, eh? I was never a big fan of asking other people to approve of what I have to say so I guess it serves me right for trying.

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Politics

JUST WONDERING… ABOUT BLACKWATER

No Comments 16 January 2008

The Justice Department says it faces all kinds of legal hurdles prosecuting the Blackwater Guards who shot up Baghdad, leaving 17 Iraqi citizens dead and 23 more wounded. It seems these mercenaries have immunity. So now I wonder if they enjoy the same immunity when the patrol the streets of American cities, like they were hired to do in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina to the tune of 33.3 million between September and December of 2005, around $275,000 a day. I also wonder why they are allowed to actively recruit people from our military during wartime. The American government spends hundreds of thousands of dollars to train a lot of our soldiers, many of them highly advanced technical experts in many fields possessing sensitive knowledge you might not want to put at the disposal of an army-for-hire. What if somebody hires Blackwater to fight against the United States one of these days?

You can understand the temptation of our soldiers to join an outfit like that. The pay is fantastic and you need not sign on for four years at a time. The only drawback seems to be the lack of honor in the mercenary corporations. In the military, men and women display an extraordinary amount of honor and dedication and wear their uniforms with well-earned pride. Military personnel live by a stringent code of conduct and personal responsibility that has no place in the corporate world, especially a corporation whose business is killing. So many of of our military people who join these companies go from being well respected defenders of our nation to corporate gunslinging goons overnight, expected to share the knowledge and training America gave them with a corporation loyal only to the highest bidder. How does that make them feel? Just wondering…

Speaking of Blackwater Guards, I wonder how they came to be called contractors? Don't contractors build things or provide goods and services? I never met any contractors who carried any automatic weapons outside of a nail gun nor have I met any whose transportation of choice was a helicopter gun ship or an armored fighting vehicle. So aren't they mercenaries and shouldn't they be called that always? And even though Blackwater is nominally an American company, they hire soldiers from all over the world, recruiting from the Special Forces of every nation with an advanced technical military. So you wind up with Chilean commandoes trained ion the service of Auguste Pinochet, Indian army regulars, Germans, Britons, French, Africans, Russians, you-name-it. For up to $1000 a day these mercenaries give their loyalty to whoever is paying the bills.

And these are the people who have been hired to guard our diplomats and patrol the streets of foreign cities where American blood and lives have been spent to secure. Didn't the Marines always guard U.S. Embassies? Last I heard they're still a pretty formidable outfit whose loyalties are beyond question. Didn't the Army patrol always the territory they captured at dear cost? And if ever a Marine or a member of any other branch of our military commits a crime that individual is subject to the laws of the land and the strict code of military justice. Marines work for considerably less than a grand a day and answer only to their chain of command, their code of honor and their country, giving no consideration to corporate bottom lines or further money-making opportunities. And every United States soldier almost without exception would lay down their life for their mission, their comrades and their country without a conscious thought. Can the same be said of mercenaries?

So what happens when Dubai, or the Emirates, China or Singapore, those nations who have just invested scores of billions of dollars in our sagging financial houses, want to collect on that debt or maybe take complete control of America's banking system? Lacking an effective army of their own, can they hire Blackwater guards to enforce their wishes? Would Blackwater make war on America? They wouldn't be the first American corporation to do so, only the first one to do it by way of open warfare. Then what? After all, they changed their name from Blackwater USA to Blackwater Worldwide and advertise themselves as a private military company. Do we outbid their employers to get them to stop?

Prior to the phenomenon of the rise of Blackwater and many other similar corporations, the only "private armies" belonged to tribal warlords, drug cartels and James Bond villains. So how can the American government in good conscience hire these companies to perform important security and training tasks formerly in the safe hands of our own armed forces? Isn't that a slap in the face to our military people? And when they are above the laws of any land, don't they essentially outrank our own military? George Patton wouldn't have put up with that for a nanosecond. That can't be good for morale in the American Armed Forces. Is it any wonder so many of them take the money and run? And the Blackwaters of this world hire only the elite forces, extensively and expensively trained by various governments, so the strain on our military is even greater to replace these skilled men and women. Their experience under fire is the hardest commodity to replace.

And how long will it be before there is a private Navy corporation and a private Air Force company? Given the considerable resources of corporations, how long before some tin pot dictator of an oil-rich country is protected by a private military corporation with a private nuclear arsenal? None of these things are inconceivable. Nor is it inconceivable for one of these companies to take over a weak nation that falls behind on its payments to them or simply because they can. Who would stop them, especially if they possessed nuclear weapons? There are a lot of things these so-called security contractors do now that no one envisioned them doing a few years ago. They've come a long way from guarding rich people and providing hotel security. Too long a way if you ask me.

Already military contractors are engaged by the United States in the interrogation and torture of prisoners, often having command authority over military personnel in our military prisons. How did that happen? Now when American soldiers are captured they can expect similar treatment. Perhaps somewhere down the line it will be an American mercenary company doing the interrogation of captured American soldiers at the behest of his employer, our enemy. There are also private mercenaries under contract from the CIA to perform clandestine operations, that most sensitive and corruption-prone field of military operations. The sales of state secrets has been going on forever with people in the employ of their respective governments. Imagine espionage as a corporate product. There's no guarantee that international corporations will be loyal to any one country.

It's far more likely that international corporate entities will be loyal only to themselves, doing business with anyone willing to buy whatever the are selling. The track record of international corporations indicates just that. In the case of private military companies, what they are selling is a highly trained army made up of the elite former military personnel of the world's armies and answerable to no government. That's not a healthy development. And like any corporation they will seek to expand their markets and diversify their services. They've already branched out into interrogation by torture, so why not espionage for profit? These companies have a vested interest in continued warfare and will actively work against any peace treaty by any means necessary wherever there is money to be made by continuing a war. Haven't armaments manufacturers always done the same?

Look at the way a true soldier carries himself; proud, erect and ready to be of service, his weapon carefully pointed at the ground until needed, polite and reserved. Look at how a mercenary carries himself; weapon held in a threatening stance, an arrogant slouch and disdainful of civilians. It is the demeanor of a dictator's henchmen or the operatives of a police state like the Gestapo or The KGB, men who know they can get away with anything, who assume they are the law. In New Orleans Blackwater Guards emptied somebody's apartment to use for their headquarters, dumping that person's possessions off a balcony onto the street and made themselves at home Their deputized status and authorization to use lethal force did not include allow invasion. An American citizen's home was invaded and vandalized by insolent goons with automatic weapons and nobody arrested them or even mentioned the incident except in passing. Sounds like the shape of things to come unless we do something about it.

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Humor, Politics

DREAD DISEASES OF MODERN TIMES

No Comments 15 January 2008

Apparently the world did not have enough diseases for the pharmaceutical corporations' satisfaction so they've taken to inventing them. Not content with labeling helpless children as chronically ill with all sorts of dubious syndromes, including the dread disease of shaking one leg when bored in class (true story), they correctly figured that the gullible parents of these kids who allowed their own children to be drugged into zombie land to be ripe for virtual diagnoses of all kinds of previously unknown syndromes and conditions. Repeat a lie often enough…

Like that whole AADD deal, Adult Attention Deficit Disorder. What the hell is up with that? Of course people have a short attention span when it comes to the blatherings of psuedo-scientists sharing their "findings" with the world when those findings are convoluted, ridiculous and self serving. Is here a bigger yawn on the planet than another psychological study commissioned by a giant drug company to announce that 40% of the adult population suffers from some bogus condition when the company in question just happens to manufacture the "cure" for this so-called condition? Side effects include telling the phony bastards to shut the fuck up and get back to work on a cure for cancer.

Or at least that's what the side effects should be. Instead, the P.T. Barnum's of the pharmaceutical titans have read the American public like a book. The result? That's right Mrs and Mrs. John Q. Public: ANOTHER USELESS PRODUCT FOISTED OFF ON A GULLIBLE PUBLIC! Is this a great country or what? Where else could the art of snake oil salesmanship be elevated to the status of a multi-billion dollar international corporation? The research and development laboratories are working overtime to invent drugs that do nothing but create side effects since the conditions they cure are non-existent. As far as the side effects go, well, lucky for you that these same companies manufacture plenty of other drugs to counter those nasty reactions. There's no shortage of those. And more drugs to remedy the side effects for the side effects drugs, and the side effects of those and so on, sort of a win-win-win-win-win situation for drug companies.

And what about our children? It seems that our innocent and curious little ones who trust us implicitly are absolutely riddled with disabling behavior disorders! That is, of course, if you allow that childhood itself is some some sort of extended form of aberrant behavior. And what parent hasn't thought that at times when the wee ones exasperate us no end? They're just doing their jobs when they act up. I'd worry more about a child who didn't behave oddly half the time. That's what kids do, in case these scientists don't remember. But not until recent times have we considered behavior modification drugs to control our own children. What ever happened to appreciating the joy and carefree abandon with which a child approaches life? What happened to patiently teaching them when and when not to behave rambunctiously? Who's in charge of our children, us or Doctor Feelgood?

Has anybody noticed another syndrome creeping up on us here in the good old U.S. of A? It's called DUMASS. That stands for Don't Underestimate Madison Avenue's Syndrome Salesmanship. There's also PILL, short for Personally, I Like Lethargy! And our research scientists are catching a new virus at an alarming rate. It's called SCAMM! and it stands for Science Can Make Magic! One symptom is an aversion to the brain-busting challenge of curing mankind's persistent killers like cancer, diabetes, AIDS, influenza, malaria and the like. Another sign of SCAMM is the rapid proliferation of media ads announcing a cure to a condition no one ever heard of and cannot be proven, or more importantly disproved. Other symptoms include stock portfolio addiction, an unreasonable fear of traveling by means other than private corporate jet and the development of a forked tongue.

Now I'm not a medical doctor and I admit I've never even played one on TV (A regrettable lapse and hopefully not too shameful a stain on my character), but I have had a health professional accuse me of being bi-polar and having an attention deficit and even having ADHD (!) which is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. So I looked these things up and couldn't help but notice that in my entire adult life I have exhibited approximately (hmm, let me do the math here… give or take… carry the one…scritch-scratch…gimmee a sec, here… hmmm… there, that looks about right… okay, I got it!) zero symptoms of any of these things!

So I figure either the guy's a genius at diagnosis without the benefit of any sort of medical examination, blood work, x-rays and body scans or he's full of shit. I opted for the full of shit theory and took no medications to alleviate my lack of symptoms and suffered no side effects as a result. So far so good, knock wood. I didn't seek a second opinion since I figured spending time with one idiot was plenty enough for anybody. My embarrassing lack of credentials in playing a doctor on TV notwithstanding, that's one lapse of attention I highly recommend, the tuning out of drug pushing quacks. Turns out it's a syndrome that cures itself by complete inaction and healthy skepticism if not outright disbelief.

Here's another reason not to trust pharmaceutical companies: Their massive overproduction of addictive drugs. There are many legitimate medical uses for the various pain-killers and opiates they produce. The question is, why do they produce many more times the amount of these addictive drugs than are called for medically? Talk about your drug cartels! At least the people who sell heroin, opium and cocaine are honest about what they do for a living; sell recreational drugs to people who become addicted to their product and cannot say no their prices.

There's a reason the FDA wants Purdue Pharma to cut back 95% on Oxycontin production and that is of course that 95% of their product is used recreationally by drug addicts. A lot of young people enjoy the high but find it too expensive so they switch to heroin, and everybody knows where that leads. Many don't make the switch and stay addicted to Oxycontin, which by the way is nicknamed Hillbilly Heroin. There are many more legitimate prescription drugs of this type being sold on the street or by unscrupulous doctors making a small fortune as de facto dealers. And just like heroin, these drugs are physically disabling as well as addictive.

These concoctions are even harder to kick than heroin, a notoriously hard habit to quit. An extensive detoxification program is required, one that makes the addict suffer excruciating pain and sickness and takes a very long time under careful medical supervision. Seizures, convulsions and death are not uncommon results of kicking prescription drugs. Those twenty-eight day assembly line type of rehab centers are ill-equipped to deal with those with a heavy addiction to such drugs. Many users who honestly want to quit go back to using drugs simply to escape the tortuous physical ordeal of detoxification.

So next time someone mentions the war on drugs try not to laugh too loud. It's more like the war on some drugs. Pharmaceutical companies make the South American and Asian drug cartels look like small timers. They also don't have the high overhead of having to hire smugglers to move their product around the world, paying heavily armed thugs to enforce their territories and constantly moving around their operations to avoid the authorities. I would add bribery of public officials but what else is a lobbyist other than a middleman for bribes? The drug industry has a huge and very well funded lobbying presence in every world capital. Once again the illegal drug dealers win the honesty sweepstakes by calling a spade a spade in the bribery department.

And the bosses of the pharmaceutical companies are not on any law enforcement agency's Most Wanted lists. No police try to infiltrate their ranks and no agents raid their places of business. I suppose that's why they have so much free time on their hands to invent all these dubious syndromes and conditions and then market their miracle cures for them. They will never admit that they manufacture a whole lot of drugs that, quite frankly, intentionally make people feel very good and get them high as kites. And they make so much of them that simple mathematics tells you that the vast majority of these drugs are earmarked for the black market of street drug sales and prescription mills. They must think everybody has no attention span and, sad to say, so far it looks like they're justified in that assumption. Pass the Prozac.

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