Wonderful devices these computers. Store lots of valuable data, connect you to the largest reference library ever assembled out there in Etherland, make communication with our fellow humanoids swift and easy. So what's not to like? Plenty. Sometimes I hate this damned machine. Hate it! Did I mention that I hate these machines sometimes? Maybe because they remind me of people. Oh I like people just fine, they're really good eggs, except when they annoy the crap out of me when they say one thing and then do another.
Which brings me back to my personal computer, purportedly my devoted helpmate and servant, ever willing and able to do incredible tasks if you follow proper procedure. Well, Ido follow proper procedure and sometimes the fickle bitch refuses to cooperate! I don't turn her off until she says it's okay to do so, I follow the menu she provides for performing her various tasks, carefully defragment her when she's frazzled and get rid of any excess baggage in her memory banks (Sure wish I could do that!) So how come this Putrid She-Spawn of Satan loses my stuff or refuses to send it to my friends sometimes? Why? Why, you bitch?
No amount of gentle cajolery or sharp reprimands can reach my computer sometimes. She just does not respond, even to threats from the business end of a ball peen hammer. Talk about your blah-zay attitudes! I think she knows deep down that I'm a paper tiger and would never carry out the dire threats I make. Most times she's the model of consistency, performing all manner of wizardry in the blink of an eye and telling you she's ready for whatever I desire, my own personal insatiable wench, eager to please and wanting more, more, more!
Today that's not the case. I’m tying to e-mail a song stored within my computer to my fellow musician Gary Kroman. E-mailed him a bunch of tunes already. Today she’s not having it. Maybe Gary insulted her somehow? I doubt it since he’s a computer wizard from way back, before they were a dime a dozen, and he knows better than to insult these finicky creatures. He’s in my address book, a regular correspondent, so that can’t be the problem.
Maybe she doesn’t like the song? I hope not, it’s one of my better efforts. Judge for yourself. It’s called What About the Hungry?and is up on my web site. Just click on to Songs and check it out. Free listens for10 songs, no strings attached. While you’re at it click on Stories and Essays and check out some of my writing, fiction and otherwise, also in their entirety and string-free. (I figure it’s always a good time for a little shameless self-promotion.) So why won’t my computer share this with Gary?
I know, I know, I could tell Gary to listen to it on the website but there’s a problem with that. You can’t download stuff from Bob Crespo.com, at least not yet. I wanted him to forward it to our bass player Ian to learn the song before we rehearse for an upcoming charity gig. In the future you’ll be able to download songs and stories, but only if you pay the ridiculously low fees I’ll be charging.
Hmm… Maybe I’ll do just that, tell Ian to listen to the song on my website, an also forward the web address to everybody he knows while he’s at it (Self-promotion once again rears its ugly head, or rather my ugly head). That still doesn’t let my computer off the hook. I’m still mad as hell at her. The lovely wife Louise, peeking over my shoulder at my blog, wonders why I insist my computer is a she. Why isn’t it a he? she queries, more than a little piqued.
Well, my love, I say this is because the thing acts a little like you’re acting now, all peeved and whatnot. “Like you don’t?” she deftly parries. She’s got a point there, I have to admit, which is why I’m convinced my computer is a she. I never win arguments with either one of them.
