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YOUR HANDY POLITICAL TRANSLATION GUIDE:

Here at world headquarters of bobcrespo.com, researchers, senior analysts and interns are working overtime to decipher the tsunami of Politalk that has washed over us since Election Season began. Cut to the chase with these political translations:

Phrase:  Our children are our future!

Translation: Someone’s gotta refill the Treasury.

 

Phrase: I swear on the Holy Bible to uphold the Constitution of The United States of America.

Translation: I will ruthlessly cherry pick both these documents for out-of-context phrases that support my only objective, getting my own way by any means necessary.

 

Phrase:  Politics makes strange bedfellows.

Translation: We’ll betray our principles and our constituents in a flash for more money and power.

 

Phrase:  My views are evolving.

Translation:  I finally got the memo on overwhelming public support for a popular issue, so stay tuned for a blockbuster announcement at a politically opportune moment.

 

Phrase: Trickle Down Economics

Translation: I’ve got mine, and yours and yours and yours too! Now drop dead.

 

Phrase: “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in the America that millions of people believe in.” ~ Mitt Romney, 2012

Translation: Anything you want it to mean.

 

Phrase:  High ranking inside source.

Translation: Disgruntled loser in a power struggle.

 

Phrase: The House Foreign Relations Committee today announced a 7 day Fact Finding Mission to Brazil to study beach erosion.

Translation: Stay tuned for debauchery on an epic scale.

 

Phrase:  Ethics Committee.

Translation: Clay Aiken’s girlfriend.

 

Phrase:  I recognize my esteemed colleague from across the aisle…

Translation: … as a lying sack of shit who’d sell his children’s future for a Rolex watch, matching blonde hookers and a golf outing in Bermuda.

 

Phrase:  Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.

Translation: If you think I’m giving up my fat envelopes from the NRA to save a few innocent bystanders who didn’t vote for me in the first place, guess again!

 

Phrase:  It’s the economy, stupid!

Translation: It’s the stupid economy.

 

Phrase:  I believe in American exceptionalism.

Translation: I believe I’ve just fooled millions of exceptionally gullible fools with yet another meaningless statement.

 

Phrase:  Weapons of mass destruction.

Translation: Unwillingness to surrender your nation’s wealth to Big Oil.

 

Phrase:  Compassionate Conservatism.

Translation: Thimblefuls of lip service.

 

Phrase: We are a Christian nation.

Translation: Duck!

 

Phrase: Voter I.D. Laws.

Translation: Show me your papers!

 

Phrase: The Reagan Revolution.

Translation: The Empire Strikes Back.

 

Phrase: Mission Accomplished!

Translation: Our stock portfolios just went through the roof!

 

Phrase: The buck stops here.

Translation: That buck better have plenty of company!

 

Phrase: We are not perfect.

Translation: Who do you think showed the Devil the ropes?

 

Phrase: The Liberal Media.

Translation: MSNBC, The Huffington Post and 2 or 3 obscure weekly pamphlets.

 

Phrase: Follow the money.

Translation: Amen!

 

Phrase: Tea Party.

Translation: A memorable passage from Lewis Carroll’s “Alice in Wonderland.”

 

Phrase: No new taxes!

Translation: Our children are our future!