Bob Crespo

Free listen. Well? That mouse ain’t gonna click itself. Get busy!           New song: “Let The Show Go On”

If you find yourself in the middle of nowhere eluding armed men sent to hunt you down with bloodhounds, odds are you didn’t think things all the way through. Sometimes the things we do have serious repercussions.

It’s election time in Iraq. You know what that means, right? Yes, that’s right, an opportunity for Urban Renewal! In a unique cultural quirk, Iraqis look at elections as not only ringing in the new when it comes to elected officials, but a chance to demolish a lot of aging, decrepit buidings. And if the demolitions experts are notorious for not clearing the area of civilians before setting their explosive charges, well, that’s just Darwinism at work, Iraqi style. The thinning of the herd and survival of the fittest is more than dry book theory to Iraqis, who put it into practice with constant field testing, and only the fittest, the smartest and the swiftest of Iraqis survive election season.

Which works out pretty well for them. Who would you want rebuilding your shattered infrastructure, a bunch of slow, unthinking drones who blindly walk into a trap and are mowed down like so many blades of grass, or those smart enough and fast enough enough to outwit and outrun the demolition men? Of course you’d want only the best and brightest to build the New Iraq, what with the old one being in pretty bad shape after a 10 year war with Iran back in the 1980s, a beat down by America troops in 1991 and the complete annihilation of their army and former government by America starting in 2003 and continuing to this day. These people need their wits about them!

With their old leader hung and his government removed from office (hung), the elections are are a necessary exercise to formulate a working government in preparation for the day when American troops cease occupying this Texas look-alike. And what better way than to start fresh, with brand new roads, buildings and power plants to replace the old roads, buildings and power plants? Which, truth be told, were getting a little long in the tooth, with some of these structures dating back thousands of years! Forward-thinking Iraqis are grateful to America for providing them this golden opportunity to bring their ancient nation into the 21st century.

Towards that end, whenever an election is called, the demolitions experts get busy. First, they gather to decide which buildings and open air markets have to go, then there’s the recruitment and training phase where young men are signed up to carry out the clearing of the old and decrepit to make way for the shiny and new. Apparently many Iraqis are unhappy with their government buildings, especially those housing their police and military forces, and also their hopelessly antiquated polling places. So, in order to provide the New Iraq with state-of-the-art facilities, the old ones need to be torn down, and in a big hurry. Nothing says go away like several hundred pounds of C-4 plastic explosives packed tightly in an old sedan!

And if some Iraqis are too old, slow or dimwitted to avoid the demolition sites, well, it’s the old eggs and omelets theory, although the Iraqi recipe for making an omelet always seems to start with vaporized eggs. To each his own, as they say, and who’s to say that Iraqi omelets are less tasty than others? What may seem chaotic and frenzied to Western eyes is merely a new cultural take on political institutions and nation-building. So far during this election season, many new construction sites have been prepared, with some of the explosions so powerful that the foundation is pre-dug for the builders. All the engineers need to do is clear away the rubble and the bodies and start pouring cement!

So let us applaud the industrious Iraqis for their refreshing approach to democracy. Useless people and useless infrastructure swept aside together, making room for the new, the bold and the modern! When the dust clears (literally), Iraq will be in possession of a new set of leaders and a new set of impressive buildings in which to house them. America can then pack up and go home, well satisfied that our work is done as the newest member of the Brotherhood of Democracies sets up shop in the Middle East as a shining beacon of liberty and a fine example of self-determination and Social Darwinism. Let the voting and exploding begin!

The worst murderer is the poisoner, the coldest and most evil of beings.

You don’t need to be reminded that this world is getting out of hand. Anyone with eyes and ears and half a brain can see that. There’s wars, starvation, hatred, exploitation, greed and American Idol to contend with on a regular basis, and now on top of all that the economy is shot so we can’t even spend our way into stuporous complacency to make it all go away for a few hours. Money’s tight for everyone except the wealthy bankers who stole it all and  got away with it. Who’s got the money for a decent bender these days?

You’re thinking, how did we get in such a mess? You figure the world has been in worse shape before and somehow survived, like with World Wars, Hundred Years Wars, the Black Plague and having all our world leaders and assorted royalty dressing up in makeup, powdered wigs and musical theater costumes like it it was Mardi Gras all the time. Those things were pretty disappointing, especially the silly costumes and wigs. What was everybody thinking?

Somehow the world recovered from these catastrophes and mankind moved on in the fits and starts that have marked our slow march out of our caves and hunting grounds into moon rockets and luxury condominiums (Are there any other kind of condos, like regular ones?). From running from giant predators to running water, from smoke signals to electricity, computers and cell phones, it’s been quite a journey. We might have been a lot further along if not for all the warfare, genocide and tyranny. We have also poisoned our water, our land and our air and burned so much dirty fuel to power our new toys that we are now changing the climate of the planet, placing all of us in mortal peril. Two steps forward, one step back.

Not that it’s all bad. People have done and continue to do wonderful and amazing things. We’ve been to the moon, cured polio, invented rock & roll and came together as a planet in The United Nations to declare the universal rights of all mankind. The human rights deal has been spotty at best, but we’re working on it. The problem with that is, and always was, us. We seem to have our heads buried pretty far up our own asses, a position that makes it difficult to notice what selfish and paranoid jerks we’ve been. We hate and mistrust other people and nations for the stupidest of reasons, if indeed you can call hatred remotely reasonable.

We allow 36,000 people to die of starvation every single day, 85% of them children under 5 years old. That’s over 11 million dead little children every year. Uncounted millions more join them in early graves due to the numerous diseases contracted from drinking contaminated water. We know better than this and can do better, but we don’t. Why? Who knows, maybe out of sight, out of mind? Maybe we think it’s someone else’s problem? Or do we think the problem is too big to tackle and so throw our hands up and lament what a hard, hard world this can be?

That’s not the attitude that defeated the genocidal fascists in World War 2 and put a man on the moon in 1969, two fairly monumental undertakings that were completed within a single decade. Isn’t feeding dying children at least as pressing a priority? How about freeing the slaves in many Muslim countries? What slaves, you ask? Their women, of course, fully half their populations under house arrest, denied educations, jobs, drivers’ licenses, property, life choices, freedom of movement, medical care and pretty much anything the majority other nations’ women take for granted. The United Nations Declaration of Universal Human Rights exempts no one, and the countries who hold their women in bondage signed that pledge like everyone else when they joined the U.N. Why aren’t they kicked out and shunned until they live up to their oath?

When human rights go disrespected, nothing is sacred, not the air we breathe, the water we drink, the earth we walk upon or the non-human creatures with whom we share these precious resources. These are the things that provide us with life itself, and like every human being, ought to be cherished, respected and treated with dignity, kindness and love. We violate these basic precepts of life every day. We shit where we eat. This is incomprehensible, especially considering that we have shown time and time again that wondrous things are within our power. By deeds great and small, we have transformed the world, doing and building some pretty magnificent things. Imagine what we could do if our heads weren’t buried up our asses?

Imagine if no nation invaded another with armies? Imagine no man or woman hating another? Picture a world where every human has access to food, clean water, medical care and education. A world where no one poisons the water we drink or the air we breathe. A world where greed is not considered a virtue, but the destructive aggression it has always been. Where theft by the wealthy from the poor is unheard of. Where leadership is not bribed, corrupted or power mad, and nations trade in good faith on equal terms. Where no leader rises to power selling hatred, fear and mistrust. A world where opportunity is universal, and where achievement is celebrated, no matter who does the achieving. A world where our successes, and our burdens, are shared. Where individuals are free to be themselves and groups of people have nothing to fear from other groups of people.

Imagine people speaking to other nations, other ethnic groups or members of other religions with courtesy and respect. Imagine dignity and self-worth being the birthright it is supposed to be. This is not a lot to ask, and only what every human wants for themselves and their loved ones. Why would anyone deny these things to another? They are the same as yourself, and just as worthy of life and dignity. Being civil to one another would not prevent anyone from pursuing their dreams, from getting rich, from living according to their own lights. The Golden Rule is the answer: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. That simple ancient concept can change the course of history and relieve us from constantly wondering what went wrong. What the hell are we waiting for? Why are our heads up our asses?

It is your right to be an idiot, and everyone else’s right not to be.

Dear readers: Sammy Science here. It seems that our previous discussion of mankind’s baby steps into space that has been going on since the late 1950s has provoked some pretty nutty responses. Since sociology and psychiatry are not my specialties, I can’t say who’s nuts any better than the next guy, but that should be sufficient. Most people are very well versed in the ins and outs of the human psyche, and pretty much anyone can tell a kook from a serious person. Let’s look at the shitstorm we’ve unleashed with a spirited exchange of e-mails from two Creationists:

Dear Sammy Science: Are you or are you not a supporter of allowing science teachers in public schools the option to discuss Creationism alongside Darwinism? – Reverend Ray Bob

Dear Reverend Ray Bob: No, no I am not. Then it wouldn’t be a science class anymore, would it?

Dear Sammy Science: It seems to me that in your last blog you intimated that man is evolving. My question is this: How can you go against the Holy Word of God in a public forum and not expect to be cast into the eternal damnation of Hell Fire? – Reverend Bobby Ray

Dear Reverend Bobby Ray: I’ll take my chances.

Dear Sammy Science: That’s no answer! How can we raise God-fearing children in an atmosphere that allows the likes of you to spread the lies of Darwinism and Global Warmingism? – Reverend Bobby Ray

Dear Reverend Bobby Ray: Global Warmingism? Are you sure you’re a Reverend, sir? I was under the impression that an education was required in order to receive a degree in Divinity and the right be called Reverend. I’ve had more insightful and intelligent letters from small children. Do you dispute the theory of gravity too?

Dear Sammy Science: Some of us are called to the Lord’s Word and need no book learning but the Holy Bible! – Reverend Ray Bob

Dear Reverend Ray Bob: Are you two clowns working together? As far as your status as Reverends, just be glad for your children’s sake that there are no self-appointed doctors.

Dear Sammy Science: We home-school and home-doctor our children! – The Reverends Ray Bob and Bobby Ray

Dear Double Reverends: Then Darwin is correct and natural selection should weed out you and yours in only a few generations. Natural selection does not look kindly on nature’s misfits.

Dear Sammy Science: Now you’re calling good Christians misfits! We’re not filthy Jews or Muslims or no towel head Hindoos, neither! What kind of American are you? – The Double Reverends

Dear Double Reverends: Hindoos? Wow. You people are crazy on so many levels it’s hard to know where to begin. I’m guessing (hoping, really) that your respective congregations are very small. As far as the Bible goes, what about the love, peace and tolerance parts, sort of the whole idea of the thing? As far as being an American, what the hell is that supposed to mean? Who are you two clods to say that shit? You punks are small time hustlers cashing in on other people’s faith, the same kind of power-mad racist assholes that Jesus Christ spent his life resisting.

Dear Sammy Science: Now you’ve done it! We command all God Fearing Loyal Christian Americans to hunt you down and make you repent! – The Double Reverends

Dear Double Reverends: Have I just had a Fatwah issued against me? Bring it on, Goobers!

Dear Sammy Science: A Fat what? Being fat is going to be the least of your worries when you answer for your blasphemy, spawn of the devil! – The Double Reverends

Dear Double Reverends: I want to thank you both, Reverend Ray Bob and Reverent Bobby Ray, for doing so much to advance the cause of science and to underscore the dangers of mixing religion with proven fact. You see, Reverends, science is what can be proven, and I believe you two have given the world of science some concrete evidence of unfit natural specimens on the fast track to extinction. Mind if we ear-tag you two, maybe fit you with a radio collar? You’ll being doing science a favor to let us track you on your way to Dodo Bird Land.

While Darwinism has not been definitively proven to every human being, it has been accepted by enough of them and by the right people. The Magic Man In The Sky Theory, on the other hand, cannot be proven or even tested, and so does not qualify for being called a branch of science,  and won’t be taught in the science classrooms and laboratories of America anytime soon. You have the option to preach what you want since no religion is banned here, you just cannot preach it in the halls of government, and our public schools are government buildings bound by the laws of the land. In private forums, however, the sky’s the limit for your fantasies and racist rages, so knock yourselves out.

Just don’t get upset when no one takes you all that seriously or confuses you with the second coming of Christ. The rest of us are allowed to poke fun at you and can be just as skeptical of your hypocrisy and self-serving misinterpretation of scripture as you are of proven fact. When you are gone, we’ll make a nice diorama if you in our museums, depicting Creationists in their natural habitat, right next to the Neanderthal and Cro Magnon Man displays. Meanwhile, the marriage of human knowledge and curiosity that is science will miss you, but not all that much. Maybe social scientists will mourn your passing, but then again, maybe not. It’s sort of like having a stone in your show. You miss it when it is removed, but not for very long, and then you are relieved.

The people who live on the opposite side of the planet think it is you who lives on the bottom of the world. Just go about your business and pay them no mind, that’s just the blood rushing to their heads.

It’s Sammy Science back in the house, answering your science questions as best I can. From what I gather from some of your letters and e-mails, I can see why America needs a huge upgrade in our general science awareness. President Obama is right when he says that science and technology education in America needs to be a priority. Throughout history, the civilizations that were the most scientifically and technologically advanced were the ones who flourished, while those who ignored the advances in these vital areas fell by the wayside. The dominance of Western industrialized nations these past several centuries was no accident, but a conscious effort to discover and exploit the secrets of the natural world in order to benefit both individuals and society as a whole.

Today the world is carved up roughly according to technological prowess, with the haves being on the cutting edge or progress, and the have-not nations beset with starvation, disease and poverty due to their lack of technological and scientific progress. This is not a judgement on the worth of any particular cultures or groups of people, merely hard facts, the stuff that science is made of. Truth does not care who does or does not believe it, it merely exists. We can recognize truth and act to make it work for our benefit, or dismiss it out of hand as being contrary to long-held beliefs. Denying the truth never made a bit of difference to the facts. They are what they are and that’s that. Let’s get to your letters:

Dear Sammy Science: My mother tells me that girls can’t be good scientists and that I should study something else. My marks in all my science classes are the best in my school and I want to be a scientist when I grow up. She says the best I can do is to marry a scientist! What should I tell my mother? – Samantha from Little Rock

Dear Samantha: Your Mom ever hear of Marie Curie, the only person to win a Nobel Prize in two different branches of science? She also married a scientist, but other than the Curie family and the scientific community, not many people remember Pierre Curie, while the name Madame Curie is synonymous with great scientist. She and the 15 other females who won Nobel Prizes in the sciences didn’t get them for baking cookies, making needlepoint or listening to the popular wisdom of the day. Popular wisdom is what scientists constantly revise. Tell mom about these women and follow your dream, Samantha.

Dear Sammy Science: I am Samantha’s mother. How dare you advise her to follow her dream? I am her mother and I know best! She is to be a wife and a mother. Period! – Samantha’s Mom

Dear Samantha’s Mom: Damn, but doesn’t this internet work swiftly! Well, Ma’am, it sounds like you’ve attained your dream. Unfortunately for your daughter, however, your dream is crushing the dreams of others. Too bad for the rest of us too. Perhaps Samantha would have be the one to finally cure cancer or diabetes. Looks like we’ll never know if you get your way.

Dear Sammy Science: Can man really change the atmosphere and temperature of Mars and inhabit the Red Planet? How long would the process take? I’m ready now! – Hugo Ghurl

Dear Hugo Ghurl: Yes, yes we can. The process would take many centuries, first to free the frozen water, then seed the ground with simple lichens and mosses, leading eventually to more and more complex plants that will over time infuse the planet’s atmosphere with the proper combination of oxygen and carbon dioxide so that we can breathe outdoors without artificial means. As far as the temperature, the thicker atmosphere will warm up the surface temperature to about that of Minnesota. It will be close to 1,000 years of living in sealed underground quarters and special suits before we can live unaided on Mars. Perhaps Hugo Ghurl the 50th will be able to live on Mars like we do on Earth, by which time mankind will probably have dozens of colonies on different planets and moons of nearby star systems.

Dear Sammy Science: It’s me again. Will all this other-planet stuff change humans? – Hugo Ghurl

Dear Mr. Ghurl: This internet speed is getting spooky fast! Anyway, Hugo, humans will undoubtedly begin to exhibit different physiological changes on planets where there is a greater or lesser gravitational pull, where the length of days vary widely from our 24-hour cycle and a single trip around the sun could take hundreds of our own years. Think of the differences between the 4 known kinds of elephants on earth, the African, Indian, Sumatran and the Forest Elephant, with differences in the amount of toes, their physical size and the enhanced or diminished functions of various organs. Man is also a large complex mammal that will over time adapt physically to their surroundings but will basically still be recognizably human.

Dear Sammy Science: How about people developing a third eye? – Hugo

Dear Hugo: Enough, already! Gives someone else a chance.

Dear Sammy Science: When our space program really gets going, will we have big fleets of war ships and other really cool stuff like they do in Star Trek? – Roger Overnowt

Dear Roger Overnowt: Unfortunately, too many if us think weapons are “really cool,” so undoubtedly mankind will venture to the stars armed to the teeth. What we won’t see, however, is fiery and noisy explosions in the sterile wastes of frozen space. That only happens with an oxygen-rich atmosphere to support all those orange fireballs and carry the sounds of destruction. Out in space, the destruction will from be a range of thousands if not millions of kilometers, and will be silent and nearly invisible. As for all those tractor beams, laser swords and beaming people aboard, that makes for good entertainment but unrealistic science.

Space exploration and colonization will unfold like the evolutionary steps of any large species, over thousands and thousands of years, imperceptible to individual generations of humans. That doesn’t make the concept of going to the stars any less exciting, but it won’t be Captain Kirk, Luke Skywalker and Hollywood leading the way. It will be scientists, technicians and brave adventurers, like it’s always been. Don’t forget that 300 years ago New York City was a smallish town on the edge of an uncharted wilderness. Little by little it became the citiest of cities, and we’re still building the place. As for our space program so far, our generation is witnessing the equivalent of building the first crude log cabin in Manhattan. The skyscrapers come later. We are the very first generation of human beings who are not earth-bound, and whose liberated minds and imaginations are expanding accordingly. That’s exciting.

Some people think the poor exist as useful reminders to their children to be frugal with their money. 4 billion reminders.